Older guy reentering the dating pool...

[Anonymous]

@20:42,
I was describing from the point of view of my kids, with which I empathize because I am a child of divorce myself. Divorce was something that was done *to them* - inflicted on them - they had no power over what happened. If I moved in stepkids and now my kids had to share bedrooms and the bathroom, it would be just the same. *Done to them* and they didn't get to say no. They'd have a right to be angry at me for it.

As for the timeline, I was the one who wanted it in the agreement. I am not worried about stepmoms meeting my kids, I am worried about strange men being around my kids, and I wanted that put off as long as possible. It is in my interest to abide by it so that I can make sure XW keeps boyfriends away from our kids for the required duration, which I would absolutely go to court to do if I had to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, do not mention yoga or meditation on your profile or include pictures of your kids. Shirtless pics are also out as our bathroom selfies.

Amen!

For me, the man could look like Bradley Cooper and if he mentions yoga or meditation I’m not swiping right! Bathroom selfies......I just don’t get it?! Also, no pictures of you at the gym taking the picture through the mirror. Totally agree on shirtless. And no scenery pictures of your travels. And then there’s the picture of your house and/or car. No crotch shots in your tight pants. And try to keep the group shots to a minimum. And my last one, no selfies in the car at the steering wheel.

Bathroom selfies, gym selfies, car selfies, group shots, travel scenery, and animal photos are about 95% of women's profile pics, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen to all of the above OP. You've matured, so has your dating pool. We're looking for a connection, not a show. Be kind, empathetic, take good care of yourself and show that you can do that for others. I met my current guy at 45 (he was 48). Last night we had dinner at 4:30p! Lol, talk about exciting. But then we went for a long walk, talked about what's happening in the world, had great sex, and made mimosas this morning. To me, that's exciting.

Why? Just why?

Why not? Maybe they skipped lunch and were hungry? What does it matter? They’re happy and THAT’S all that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:@20:42,
I was describing from the point of view of my kids, with which I empathize because I am a child of divorce myself. Divorce was something that was done *to them* - inflicted on them - they had no power over what happened. If I moved in stepkids and now my kids had to share bedrooms and the bathroom, it would be just the same. *Done to them* and they didn't get to say no. They'd have a right to be angry at me for it.

As for the timeline, I was the one who wanted it in the agreement. I am not worried about stepmoms meeting my kids, I am worried about strange men being around my kids, and I wanted that put off as long as possible. It is in my interest to abide by it so that I can make sure XW keeps boyfriends away from our kids for the required duration, which I would absolutely go to court to do if I had to.

Sorry, but this sounds like too much of a control issue and enmeshment with ex. I sincerely wish you luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, do not mention yoga or meditation on your profile or include pictures of your kids. Shirtless pics are also out as our bathroom selfies.

Amen!

For me, the man could look like Bradley Cooper and if he mentions yoga or meditation I’m not swiping right! Bathroom selfies......I just don’t get it?! Also, no pictures of you at the gym taking the picture through the mirror. Totally agree on shirtless. And no scenery pictures of your travels. And then there’s the picture of your house and/or car. No crotch shots in your tight pants. And try to keep the group shots to a minimum. And my last one, no selfies in the car at the steering wheel.

Bathroom selfies, gym selfies, car selfies, group shots, travel scenery, and animal photos are about 95% of women's profile pics, unfortunately.

Female here in her 50’s not mine. First of all, I hate selfies. If I use a travel picture, I’m in it and I happened to be on vacation. I don’t use group shots because perhaps the group does t want to be on Tinder? I use pictures that I’d want to see in regards to types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen to all of the above OP. You've matured, so has your dating pool. We're looking for a connection, not a show. Be kind, empathetic, take good care of yourself and show that you can do that for others. I met my current guy at 45 (he was 48). Last night we had dinner at 4:30p! Lol, talk about exciting. But then we went for a long walk, talked about what's happening in the world, had great sex, and made mimosas this morning. To me, that's exciting.

Why? Just why?

Why not? Maybe they skipped lunch and were hungry? What does it matter? They’re happy and THAT’S all that matters.

Ha! Thanks PP. To the "just why" poster, we had done a 25 mile bike ride and skipped lunch. By the time we got home we were starving and the place up the street was serving socially distanced outdoor meals. We jumped at the chance to eat a cooked meal outside, masks and all.

And as PP points out, we're happy. That's what matters!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t need to be exciting, just be nice and genuine. Desire sex. Have some topics of conversation not related to kids. You’ll be fine.

Desire sex?

Most profiles of women say they are not looking to hookup.

Why do they write that it’s such a turn off. Doesn’t mean you want a one night stand. Why even mention it.

[Anonymous]

What's wrong with yoga? I love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

OP, you don't sound boring at all. The only thing I wonder about based on your responses--and sorry if I am way off base---is if you feel you are settling for women closer to your age, versus genuinely being attracted to them? The women closer to your age that you date eventually might pick up on that if that's what's going on. That would be much more off-putting that being boring.

It is still very early in the search, but I have an ominous feeling at the moment that the intersection of "I am genuinely attracted to them" and "they are genuinely attracted to me" is going to be a small number. Not to mention that the relatively small number of genuinely attractive single women in my age range are bound to have all the single guys chasing them (and maybe married guys too). Oh well!

You’re still not really answering the question. If you want younger women, you should aim for them and not settle for someone close to your age. So many men post on here that it’s easy to find a younger woman at this age and so you should aim for what you want. Who wants to be someone you settled on?

I did not choose DW (now XW) on the basis of "young and hot as possible" so I won't choose my next partner like that either. She was more attractive than she knew, but more importantly to me, also had intelligence, good morals, appreciated my sense of humor, liked to read (as I do), was very creative, and had a good, stable job. And we were then in the same stage of life. I'm looking for the same sort of person now.

That aside, I am attractive, but I am not movie-star good looking or CEO rich, and I think that's what you have to be for it to be "easy" to get 20something women as a 50something man.

I'm interested in dating you.
#almost 50ish fit and not ugly woman. But married, so that makes it awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:@20:42,
I was describing from the point of view of my kids, with which I empathize because I am a child of divorce myself. Divorce was something that was done *to them* - inflicted on them - they had no power over what happened. If I moved in stepkids and now my kids had to share bedrooms and the bathroom, it would be just the same. *Done to them* and they didn't get to say no. They'd have a right to be angry at me for it.

As for the timeline, I was the one who wanted it in the agreement. I am not worried about stepmoms meeting my kids, I am worried about strange men being around my kids, and I wanted that put off as long as possible. It is in my interest to abide by it so that I can make sure XW keeps boyfriends away from our kids for the required duration, which I would absolutely go to court to do if I had to.

You sound very controlling towards your ex wife. Turn off for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:@20:42,
I was describing from the point of view of my kids, with which I empathize because I am a child of divorce myself. Divorce was something that was done *to them* - inflicted on them - they had no power over what happened. If I moved in stepkids and now my kids had to share bedrooms and the bathroom, it would be just the same. *Done to them* and they didn't get to say no. They'd have a right to be angry at me for it.

As for the timeline, I was the one who wanted it in the agreement. I am not worried about stepmoms meeting my kids, I am worried about strange men being around my kids, and I wanted that put off as long as possible. It is in my interest to abide by it so that I can make sure XW keeps boyfriends away from our kids for the required duration, which I would absolutely go to court to do if I had to.

You sound very controlling towards your ex wife. Turn off for me.

The agreement works the same way for both of us. We both have to date someone for a lengthy period before introducing that person to the kids. I am as controlled by it as she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll be honest - if you have kids in their teens and you get them 50% of the time, that's going to be a big hurdle in dating.

That means every other week you are essentially not available. That may work for some women, especially if they have kids and can coordinate off weeks with yours. Others whose kids are older may not like being restricted to every other week activity. And if you think you will just introduce everyone (her, kids) and make it all one big happy family, think again.

Teens are notorious for not liking parents' new partners, including after a long dating period before they are even introduced. It's just a very difficult time in life for them. Girls may have jealousy issues against your partner, and loyalty binds for their mom which can be problematic.

You also sound like you are in the military or in a military-related field. This may appeal to some women and to others not so much. Especially if you are active duty and the potential for change of station orders comes up.

I'm divorced and do not see that as a hurdle at all. Most women who are divorced with kids with 50/50 aren't expecting full-blown relationships like they did before kids. They are busy, too. This makes me wonder if whoever posted this above is married...this sounds like something a married person would say... not a divorced woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s going to depend on who you are dating. If your dating divorced women with kids closer to your age, you are going to likely relate to them more. If you are dating never married younger women they don’t want to hear about your kids. To be honest, you don’t sound ready to date. You need to figure out that 50% of the time you don’t have kids...what hobbies do you enjoy, books you have read, travels you have taken or would like to take, activities with friends, etc. You will also be asked why you divorced so have an answer that doesn’t just blame your Ex.

I am divorced. So far I have not asked a man why he divorced...so the last statement is not universally true.

Have you been serious about any of them?

What do you mean "serious"? I am never getting married again. That would be stupid.

Monogamous LTR with them.

Monogamous, yes. I do not know about LTR. But that would not matter. I am not interested in why someone is divorced. I am really not. If it comes up, fine. But I am not asking about it. It's not my business. I was not in the habit of asking people why they broke up with other people while dating so it is the same mentality. It's the past and irrelevant to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:@20:42,
I was describing from the point of view of my kids, with which I empathize because I am a child of divorce myself. Divorce was something that was done *to them* - inflicted on them - they had no power over what happened. If I moved in stepkids and now my kids had to share bedrooms and the bathroom, it would be just the same. *Done to them* and they didn't get to say no. They'd have a right to be angry at me for it.

As for the timeline, I was the one who wanted it in the agreement. I am not worried about stepmoms meeting my kids, I am worried about strange men being around my kids, and I wanted that put off as long as possible. It is in my interest to abide by it so that I can make sure XW keeps boyfriends away from our kids for the required duration, which I would absolutely go to court to do if I had to.

You sound very controlling towards your ex wife. Turn off for me.

The agreement works the same way for both of us. We both have to date someone for a lengthy period before introducing that person to the kids. I am as controlled by it as she is.

I agree with the previous poster, too controlling for me and probably most women. People who have been through divorce and come out the other side know what is appropriate to agree to in a divorce. We also know that we can’t (or shouldn’t) control our exes to the point of dictating a timeline as to when they can introduce their next love interest to the kids. I get the reasoning behind it but it will make a potential partner wonder how else you are enmeshed in your ex’s life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:@20:42,
I was describing from the point of view of my kids, with which I empathize because I am a child of divorce myself. Divorce was something that was done *to them* - inflicted on them - they had no power over what happened. If I moved in stepkids and now my kids had to share bedrooms and the bathroom, it would be just the same. *Done to them* and they didn't get to say no. They'd have a right to be angry at me for it.

As for the timeline, I was the one who wanted it in the agreement. I am not worried about stepmoms meeting my kids, I am worried about strange men being around my kids, and I wanted that put off as long as possible. It is in my interest to abide by it so that I can make sure XW keeps boyfriends away from our kids for the required duration, which I would absolutely go to court to do if I had to.

You sound very controlling towards your ex wife. Turn off for me.

The agreement works the same way for both of us. We both have to date someone for a lengthy period before introducing that person to the kids. I am as controlled by it as she is.

I agree with the previous poster, too controlling for me and probably most women. People who have been through divorce and come out the other side know what is appropriate to agree to in a divorce. We also know that we can’t (or shouldn’t) control our exes to the point of dictating a timeline as to when they can introduce their next love interest to the kids. I get the reasoning behind it but it will make a potential partner wonder how else you are enmeshed in your ex’s life.

We're only "enmeshed" as required to be parents who do 50/50. I really only talk to her about kid logistics.

I worked closely with an attorney to draw up the agreement. I took out a lot of things on his advice. He didn't say the "morality clause" was inappropriate or "too controlling", and her attorney didn't fight it either.

In any event, I am unsure when "meeting someone's kids" usually comes up when you date a divorced person. Guess I'll find out. May not be a lot of difference between that and the agreement anyway.