Older guy reentering the dating pool...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:@20:42,
I was describing from the point of view of my kids, with which I empathize because I am a child of divorce myself. Divorce was something that was done *to them* - inflicted on them - they had no power over what happened. If I moved in stepkids and now my kids had to share bedrooms and the bathroom, it would be just the same. *Done to them* and they didn't get to say no. They'd have a right to be angry at me for it.

As for the timeline, I was the one who wanted it in the agreement. I am not worried about stepmoms meeting my kids, I am worried about strange men being around my kids, and I wanted that put off as long as possible. It is in my interest to abide by it so that I can make sure XW keeps boyfriends away from our kids for the required duration, which I would absolutely go to court to do if I had to.

You sound very controlling towards your ex wife. Turn off for me.

The agreement works the same way for both of us. We both have to date someone for a lengthy period before introducing that person to the kids. I am as controlled by it as she is.

I agree with the previous poster, too controlling for me and probably most women. People who have been through divorce and come out the other side know what is appropriate to agree to in a divorce. We also know that we can’t (or shouldn’t) control our exes to the point of dictating a timeline as to when they can introduce their next love interest to the kids. I get the reasoning behind it but it will make a potential partner wonder how else you are enmeshed in your ex’s life.

We're only "enmeshed" as required to be parents who do 50/50. I really only talk to her about kid logistics.

I worked closely with an attorney to draw up the agreement. I took out a lot of things on his advice. He didn't say the "morality clause" was inappropriate or "too controlling", and her attorney didn't fight it either.

In any event, I am unsure when "meeting someone's kids" usually comes up when you date a divorced person. Guess I'll find out. May not be a lot of difference between that and the agreement anyway.

What is the time limit of your agreement?

I met my boyfriends kids after four or five months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

OP, you don't sound boring at all. The only thing I wonder about based on your responses--and sorry if I am way off base---is if you feel you are settling for women closer to your age, versus genuinely being attracted to them? The women closer to your age that you date eventually might pick up on that if that's what's going on. That would be much more off-putting that being boring.

It is still very early in the search, but I have an ominous feeling at the moment that the intersection of "I am genuinely attracted to them" and "they are genuinely attracted to me" is going to be a small number. Not to mention that the relatively small number of genuinely attractive single women in my age range are bound to have all the single guys chasing them (and maybe married guys too). Oh well!

You’re still not really answering the question. If you want younger women, you should aim for them and not settle for someone close to your age. So many men post on here that it’s easy to find a younger woman at this age and so you should aim for what you want. Who wants to be someone you settled on?

Op, ignore this poster. There are guys on this board who are constantly trying to argue that men can date women way younger. Your comments on age range are realistic and accurate.

Agree, you sound pretty nice and realistic, OP. Also, if you are doing online dating, check your age range. I am only 35 and coupled, but even when I was looking at profiles in my mid 20s and open to somewhat older (my guy is 10 years older than me...), it was a huge turnoff to see some guy in his 30s, 40s, or 50s with an age range that started at 18. Maybe that's a default, but it's not a great look for a guy in his 50s to be open to a relationship with a teen, so maybe shift that up a bit if you don't want the higher quality women you could relate to to be turned off by an "open for anything!" approach that includes this very, very young age range. Probably shouldn't have to be said, but this is common.

[Anonymous]

What is the time limit of your agreement?

I met my boyfriends kids after four or five months.

Six months.

[Anonymous]

My husband was your age when I met him, a newly minted divorce. He was also fit and looked a lot younger. There was a decade or so in the age gap between us. He told me he was timid about dating when he started back in, but worked his way through that, and he had a lot of self-confidence when I met him. Eventually, he told me about his previous marriage, and never blamed his wife. I had a teenage son at the time we met. He had three kids, all living in another continent, and he visited them a lot. After a while, I met them all. His teenage daughter spent a year with us. Soon, we we all became friends, and still are 20+ years later. I guess the moral of our story is that it is doable, and even if it's complicated, take your time; learn from your divorce; and apply that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What is the time limit of your agreement?

I met my boyfriends kids after four or five months.

Six months.

That's about the time when I met my DH's kids. By then they had obviously heard about me but hadn't met me yet. After months of dating, we were both fairly committed to the relationship. (For the record, the kids mother had already moved her love interest into the home when the divorce was final two years earlier so the kids were living with her boyfriend and her.)

The first time I met his teenage kids his daughter took one look at me, gave me the eye of death, never looked directly at me again, and didn't say a word to me the rest of the evening. His son appeared as though he was more open to me (direct eye contact, smiled, etc.) but appeared conflicted because of his sister's behavior. Keep in mind we were six months in and in an exclusive relationship. I was crushed.

We're now almost two decades in and it hasn't changed. SD still has no interest in knowing me as a person, there are grandkids in the picture, and I'm still on the outs and will never be accepted. It's not an easy way to start heading into your sunset years of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was your age when I met him, a newly minted divorce. He was also fit and looked a lot younger. There was a decade or so in the age gap between us. He told me he was timid about dating when he started back in, but worked his way through that, and he had a lot of self-confidence when I met him. Eventually, he told me about his previous marriage, and never blamed his wife. I had a teenage son at the time we met. He had three kids, all living in another continent, and he visited them a lot. After a while, I met them all. His teenage daughter spent a year with us. Soon, we we all became friends, and still are 20+ years later. I guess the moral of our story is that it is doable, and even if it's complicated, take your time; learn from your divorce; and apply that.

I hope you know how lucky you are!

[Anonymous]

OP, divorced mom here. To answer your question about how to appear “exciting” to dates, what I look for is someone who has a passion for living life, who knows what makes him happy and carved out regular time to fit it into his life, even if work and kids means that it’s not exactly the way he’d like to do it. So you love hiking and have a favorite nearby place in the woods that you try to get to once a week? Or you’re a lap swimmer and are eagerly looking forward to your outdoor pool opening up so you can swim outside and hang with your swim buds on Sunday mornings while the kids sleep in? That’s the stuff I want to hear about.

But if I hear a lot of “I used to do __ before kids” and no actual doing of anything now, then I’ll assume you’re depressed or uninteresting or not flexible and resilient, and I won’t be interested.

[Anonymous]

I’m 58 and I never talk about my kids - all in their 20’s - unless she asks me about them nor will I discuss my ex. I tend to gravitate towards really smart women who have been successful professionally so there is always a lot to talk about on many subjects. I will avoid talking about something she has no interest in such as golf because that would bore her to death. I avoid, if I can, dating someone with children still at home because of all the complications that come with that situation so most of the women I have dated are in their late 40’s and 50’s. I’ve never used dating apps so I’m clueless on the do’s and don’ts when it comes to profiles. I’m a decent looking successful guy and very outgoing so meeting women has never been a problem thus I’ve met them before I ever had a date which really makes it pretty easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 58 and I never talk about my kids - all in their 20’s - unless she asks me about them nor will I discuss my ex. I tend to gravitate towards really smart women who have been successful professionally so there is always a lot to talk about on many subjects. I will avoid talking about something she has no interest in such as golf because that would bore her to death. I avoid, if I can, dating someone with children still at home because of all the complications that come with that situation so most of the women I have dated are in their late 40’s and 50’s. I’ve never used dating apps so I’m clueless on the do’s and don’ts when it comes to profiles. I’m a decent looking successful guy and very outgoing so meeting women has never been a problem thus I’ve met them before I ever had a date which really makes it pretty easy.

This sounds like it works for you which is fine. It also sounds like you are not interested in a committed relationship but just enjoy casually dating many women and keeping the conversations from anything too personal. As long as that works for both parties it's great. Many people choose to have a deeper connection with another person, though. True intimacy.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the posters who sound like you are too enmeshed with your wife. Your agreement is very common, mine has the same 6 month restriction.

I’m a 39 year divorced female and we sound like minded. Your age would not bother me. However, I have 2 children under the age of 10. That would likely be a problem given that you’re far past that phase of parenting. I think women in their mid 40s who have kids who are slightly more independent (middle school and up) would be your best bet. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the posters who sound like you are too enmeshed with your wife. Your agreement is very common, mine has the same 6 month restriction.

I’m a 39 year divorced female and we sound like minded. Your age would not bother me. However, I have 2 children under the age of 10. That would likely be a problem given that you’re far past that phase of parenting. I think women in their mid 40s who have kids who are slightly more independent (middle school and up) would be your best bet. Good luck to you.

Come find me on OKC so I can better evaluate how much of a problem it is.

[Anonymous]

Your agreement with your ex wife sounds controlling and I would wonder how you might try to control me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your agreement with your ex wife sounds controlling and I would wonder how you might try to control me.

If you and I freely enter a mutual agreement, then we are both "controlled" by our decision to abide by the agreement, which imposes equal obligations on both sides.

If you and I agreed to date exclusively, would it be "controlling" for you to expect me to do what I freely agreed to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your agreement with your ex wife sounds controlling and I would wonder how you might try to control me.

If you and I freely enter a mutual agreement, then we are both "controlled" by our decision to abide by the agreement, which imposes equal obligations on both sides.

If you and I agreed to date exclusively, would it be "controlling" for you to expect me to do what I freely agreed to do?

...said the control freak.

[Anonymous]

I'm 48 and occasionally go on dates with guys I meet, usually in the 38-55 age range. What would you normally talk about with your friends or coworkers or neighbors? On my dates, we'll usually do the quick "what's my situation" stuff - how long has he been divorced, how many kids, how old, what nights he has them. (this is important for me because if our custody schedules are conflicting, it'll be impossible to date.)

We usually touch on work - what do you do and where. Where did you grow up, where'd you go to school, where else have you lived. Have you traveled anywhere interesting? What do you do in your spare time? Have you seen any interesting movies lately? Watching anything good on netflix? Read any good books? If someone seems like-minded we might touch on politics, but that can be risky. (or a really good insight into whether you want to see them again.)

And other posters have mentioned - try not to talk about your ex too much. Especially if you're still mad at her or the situation. There's nothing worse than when you have gotten a sitter and gotten all done up and you find yourself sitting there listening to a guy who clearly is nowhere near over his ex. I know women do this too.