Older guy reentering the dating pool...

[Anonymous]

OP: You sound great, and like you'd be a terrific companion. I don't think you need to worry about being exciting - exciting is boring, honestly.

You sound like someone who has a real life, with real interests, and likes to do things but isn't reverting to acting like a crazy 20 year old. You sound like a catch, man - and the humility and nervousness just adds to that.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Older guy here divorced and in committed new relationship. Definitely found that if you were halfway normal and decent looking that there were many opportunities with a wide range of ages. I was available for about 2 years when I went out. Any woman who talked about her ex within the first five minutes was a hard stop, and was any woman who started talking about her kids in the first ten minutes. I found myself gravitating to younger women since I am an older guy with young kids and found that I had more in common with women with similar aged children. Eventually you are going to start talking about your challenges in raising kids and that's ok, just not right out of the box.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:@20:42,
I was describing from the point of view of my kids, with which I empathize because I am a child of divorce myself. Divorce was something that was done *to them* - inflicted on them - they had no power over what happened. If I moved in stepkids and now my kids had to share bedrooms and the bathroom, it would be just the same. *Done to them* and they didn't get to say no. They'd have a right to be angry at me for it.

As for the timeline, I was the one who wanted it in the agreement. I am not worried about stepmoms meeting my kids, I am worried about strange men being around my kids, and I wanted that put off as long as possible. It is in my interest to abide by it so that I can make sure XW keeps boyfriends away from our kids for the required duration, which I would absolutely go to court to do if I had to.

I don’t know why you worry. Just from reading what is important to you I would date you.

[Anonymous]

Strange advice I received was if you have kids not to go out with a woman who didn't have kids. I thought it strange at the time but definitely right on the mark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Strange advice I received was if you have kids not to go out with a woman who didn't have kids. I thought it strange at the time but definitely right on the mark.

I disagree, assuming the woman is ok with not wanting kids of her own. Much easier to date a woman who doesn’t have kids because then she can easily rotate things around yuor cudtody schedule, you don’t have to worry about blending stepsiblings, etc.

[Anonymous]

Each to his own but the women I went out with could never understand the challenges of raising a kid or sharing custody. But theortically it should be easier. Just wasn't in my experience.

[Anonymous]

If you are rich,
that will makes you very interesting.

[Anonymous]

OP,

As you can see from the myriad of responses, everyone has advice and much of it is conflicting.

I got divorced (after 25 yrs of marriage) at 53, dated for two years, and I am now in a relationship. Here is what I wish I would have known when I first started dating again:

1. Dating is all about meeting new women so that you can try each other out as possible romantic partners. Try dating women that are outside you previously believed were not your "type" (i.e., consider dating women of a different race, religion, or age group then the group you have dated in the past.) I dated a woman in her early 60s, and she was one of the most attractive, fun, and interesting woman I went out with and I am so glad I (and she) took the chance.

2. For the first date, try keeping it light and brief (e.g., meeting for happy hour, a coffee, or a cocktail) in a public place. If you are not hitting it off after a drink or two, you can go home with no harm and no foul. If you are hitting off, you can stay a little longer to talk. You do not want an extended date (e.g., a lunch or dinner date) with someone you do not know as waiting for it to end is hard for both of you.

3. If you meet via OLD, then chat with her a few times and then either: 1) invite her to meet as outlined in #1 above; or 2) tell her that you do not think you two are a fit and move on.

4. Do not take dating personally. By that I mean if a woman decline a date, ghosts you in OLD, or flakes move on and focus on the successes (i.e., women you have enjoyed meeting) and the potential successes. Trying to figure out why a woman might ghost you (if you have not done anything inappropriate) is a waste of time you should use finding someone you enjoy.


You, and your kids, will be great and I wish you the very best.

[Anonymous]

I’m 57 and I’ve been single for four years which meant I hadn’t dated in over 30 years so I was nervous as hell! One of my daughters said Dad you’re good looking, successful and a nice guy so don’t fake anything and you’ll be fine. My profile was very straight forward with very real pictures and while I thought it was pretty boring the response I got was very good. I quickly went on a bunch of first dates which were fine but I clearly had not done my homework on their profiles because we had little in common except divorce and kids and that’s not what I wanted to talk about. So I added to my profile real clarity about my interests and the hope that someone else really did share in one or more of those interests. That made a big difference. Also, when I was young I had only dated women my age and race (white) and that I was open to meeting a wide age range as well as race. That really helped because I ended up meeting women much younger and older as well as Asians and AA’s. The differences in age and race really made for far more interesting conversations. Of the 15 or so women I met I dated 6 of them for pretty long periods and I’m currently in a nice LTR. After a long period of monogamy and a sexless marriage at some point I nervously cross the sex bridge. When I did cross the bridge I told my partner that it had been a very long time and that I was nervous and she said don’t be and that she was happy to be my “first”. It was also fun to be with other women and see how different it can be. So relax and enjoy yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are rich,
that will makes you very interesting.

In addition very sexy and funny.

[Anonymous]

At 57, 58 I wouldn't date or get married. Too many people lose finances that way, or end up nursing a sick spouse. The retirement laws regarding married people are very strict.

All men should be using protection regardless if they are dating. Hope you do too OP.

[Anonymous]

A few things jump out at me, op.
First, you seem to regard women as a separate species from men.
Why do you have the idea that a woman wouldn’t be interested in the history book you’re reading or tanks or fighter jets? My husband and I like discussing history.


I am a stay-at-home mom, now, but when I was working, I used to have lunch with a group of Navy and Air Force pilots. I absolutely loved hearing their stories and hearing their oppinions on various aircraft, flying conditions, how aircraft did or did not respond.

All of these men were married, as was I, and they were happy to explain things to me without making me feel like a “dumb girl”.

If you like something, share it with the people around you, men and women.

What I do take issue is your stance that you won’t introduce a woman to your kids, that you seem to want to keep her separate from the real you.

I don’t understand that. First, any new woman is not bound by your divorce decree. Aside from the fact that I wonder about the legalities of such decrees, the only two people who signed the documents are you and your ex-wife. Nobody else needs to play by those rules.

Second, healthy women want healthy adult relationships. It sounds like you are offering an affair type experience, you don’t meet my kids, I don’t meet your kids, I hold large chunks of myself back while expecting you to share your body, and to care about me emotionally and maybe care enough to know if my kid has a bad game or day at school or whatever might make your kid upset.

That isn’t an attractive package. You are divorced now, you don’t have to be strong (your words) for anybody. You also don’t have to date.

It’s posts like yours that make me think prostitution should be legal, and I say this in all seriousness.

Know that a woman who is healthy probably won’t put up with what you want, at least not for very long. You can’t and shouldn’t expect her to sit home and knit while you have time with your kids.

If you want a younger woman, you may be able to hang onto her a bit longer mostly because young women haven’t had as much experience on the planet, and don’t know yet that what they want matters just as much as what you want. Also, some younger women like the idea of aquiring a guy who has already been married, the idea is they know for sure what they are getting, something you can’t know when it’s the first rodeo for both of you.

Lastly, you seem to view women as manipulative. A woman who wants to remarry isn’t trying to “sell me” on anything. She is entitled to her preferences and her lifestyle, just not with you since that isn’t what you want.

Start viewing women as equal human beings and welcome a new woman into your life or simply don’t date.

As my husband pointed out, it’s better to have the girlfriend meet the kids sooner rather then later. This way, nobody has much invested and if your kids say “Wow, Dad, Jane sure was nasty when Billy couldn’t read the cooking instructions, I told her he is dyslexic and how good he is at basketball, and she sure was nasty about that too”” you can and probably would want to end the relationship with the woman right away, v. having months or even years invested where you try to rationalize bad behavior by explaining to the kids that maybe she didn’t mean to be unkind, maybe you just misunderstood, maybe she just needs to be around you guys a bit more” kids know nasty when they see it.

I’d stay out of the dating pool, op. You are not ready.

[Anonymous]

You sound very controlling towards your ex wife. Turn off for me.

I totally disagree. As OP said, it applies to him, too. Also, he knows his exDW best - what if the marriage ended because she was a serial cheater or addicted to drugs? Both would be good reasons to try and limit his kids' exposure to other men.

[Anonymous]

We're only "enmeshed" as required to be parents who do 50/50. I really only talk to her about kid logistics.

I worked closely with an attorney to draw up the agreement. I took out a lot of things on his advice. He didn't say the "morality clause" was inappropriate or "too controlling", and her attorney didn't fight it either.

In any event, I am unsure when "meeting someone's kids" usually comes up when you date a divorced person. Guess I'll find out. May not be a lot of difference between that and the agreement anyway.

OP, I think it's great that you are trying to protect your kids and put their best interests first.

[Anonymous]

As a divorced dad I think it’s important to meet the kids sooner rather than later. I don’t mean first date etc. but maybe in the first few weeks after it seems like we might be getting exclusive.

I’d love to find a woman without kids who would be interested in mothering mine. (Not as a replacement but to provide that extra female specialness I don’t have.) but that is really a unicorn these days. Most women dating in their 40s and 50s have kids.