If your spouse lost all interest in sex, could you stay married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

Same. It’s kind of like a weekly chore I mentally check off.

DH here. I get the lack of desire for sex, but why the deprivation of all physical affection? As the OP wrote: “ She’s not mean or uncaring, but makes anything more than a peck on the lips or chaste hug feel like an imposition. Even casual physical affection (holding hands, playful grabbing, whatever) is pretty much gone. ”

Shouldn’t a DW hate herself for being so standoffish to her DH who loves her? (Assuming that they both want to stay married, and that one spouse hasn’t gone to seed.)

I'll explain why this happens with us. DH has never shown any physical affection except as a prelude to sex. So when he approaches with a kiss or a pat on the behind, I know that reciprocating means that he will expect sex to follow. If I don't want to raise false expectations, I have to be indifferent to the casual physical affection. I wish it were different, because I actually love to hold hands, cuddle, etc. But I learned a long time ago that I can't have that all by itself without being considered a tease.

Amen sister!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a conversation with me that sounded so much like this. I had to read comments because I was like Hmm. The difference is we DO have sex even if it’s 2-3 a month. So it’s not sexless. We have an age gap. I’m usually exhausted and he doesn’t try any foreplay. His idea of foredolay is just a finger. Zero romance or putting in time.

So my question to you-

Is it really sexless?
Are you romantic?
If she’s too tired to have an affair, what have you done to relieve her of it?

Without knowing full details, hard to say. Little kid years are tough. We were amazing before kids and I’m tired and ready to sleep.

PP DH here: I appreciate your honesty, but you sound like a DW who may go forward with your marriage and not initiate sex basically ever.

Ok now you definitely sound like my husband. Is keeping a tally of who initiates that important? I mean if you are getting regular sex twice a week? Really?? And that’s enough to walk away. I met if you tried like before and gave it time she would initiate. At least I would. But before my husband gives me a chance he starts bitching again and turns me off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

Same. It’s kind of like a weekly chore I mentally check off.

DH here. I get the lack of desire for sex, but why the deprivation of all physical affection? As the OP wrote: “ She’s not mean or uncaring, but makes anything more than a peck on the lips or chaste hug feel like an imposition. Even casual physical affection (holding hands, playful grabbing, whatever) is pretty much gone. ”

Shouldn’t a DW hate herself for being so standoffish to her DH who loves her? (Assuming that they both want to stay married, and that one spouse hasn’t gone to seed.)

I'll explain why this happens with us. DH has never shown any physical affection except as a prelude to sex. So when he approaches with a kiss or a pat on the behind, I know that reciprocating means that he will expect sex to follow. If I don't want to raise false expectations, I have to be indifferent to the casual physical affection. I wish it were different, because I actually love to hold hands, cuddle, etc. But I learned a long time ago that I can't have that all by itself without being considered a tease.

Amen sister!

This!

[Anonymous]

Yes, stay married. Send them to do grocery shopping, provide childcare, get takeout home. They have their usefulness.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible you’re bad in bed? I know your impulse is to dismiss that, but stay with me here.

DH is bad in bed. Selfish, bumbling, and defensive about feedback. On top of it, he is selfish and lazy in everyday life. I spent years stating clearly what my needs in and out of bed were and ending up in arguments, with my needs still unmet. Over time, my romantic feelings towards him died as I realized I was wasting my life trying to connect with an emotionally immature man-child. We continued to have sex primarily because I wasn’t assertive enough to tell him to ferk off. I started faking orgasms and then finishing myself with a vibrator in the shower. I also stopped wasting my life trying to get him to be an equal partner and decided to proceed as if I was a single mother. We stopped fighting, I went about life with him on autopilot and made friends to fulfill unmet needs. He decided we were in a good relationship because we now have “peace.”

A decade into our marriage, I had gone from the insecure late 20-something who married him to an almost 40 year old coming into my own. I stopped letting him use me for sex I found unfulfilling. I treat him as what he is: the father of my children. I am kind to him primarily to model good behavior to my children. I am even fond of him the way one is still fond of an annoying relative. But I am staying purely for the kids.

Lately, he has been complaining about the frequency of sex. I have no interest in subjecting myself to sex with him. I haven’t cheated...yet. I’m very busy being a working, married single mother of 3. But the sex is just a greater symptom of a terrible marriage and he’s too selfish to see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible you’re bad in bed? I know your impulse is to dismiss that, but stay with me here.

DH is bad in bed. Selfish, bumbling, and defensive about feedback. On top of it, he is selfish and lazy in everyday life. I spent years stating clearly what my needs in and out of bed were and ending up in arguments, with my needs still unmet. Over time, my romantic feelings towards him died as I realized I was wasting my life trying to connect with an emotionally immature man-child. We continued to have sex primarily because I wasn’t assertive enough to tell him to ferk off. I started faking orgasms and then finishing myself with a vibrator in the shower. I also stopped wasting my life trying to get him to be an equal partner and decided to proceed as if I was a single mother. We stopped fighting, I went about life with him on autopilot and made friends to fulfill unmet needs. He decided we were in a good relationship because we now have “peace.”

A decade into our marriage, I had gone from the insecure late 20-something who married him to an almost 40 year old coming into my own. I stopped letting him use me for sex I found unfulfilling. I treat him as what he is: the father of my children. I am kind to him primarily to model good behavior to my children. I am even fond of him the way one is still fond of an annoying relative. But I am staying purely for the kids.

Lately, he has been complaining about the frequency of sex. I have no interest in subjecting myself to sex with him. I haven’t cheated...yet. I’m very busy being a working, married single mother of 3. But the sex is just a greater symptom of a terrible marriage and he’s too selfish to see that.

Was the sex bad when you were dating? I'm trying to figure out how you ended up married to someone who is bad in bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be very surprised if my spouse lost interest in sex. I'm very much a PTA Mom/Girl Next Door type but behind closed door I'm pretty game for anything as long as it doesn't involve a third person.

Google atrophic vaginitis and then get back to us. If men had to masturbate with sandpaper after age 50, they'd quit enjoying it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible you’re bad in bed? I know your impulse is to dismiss that, but stay with me here.

DH is bad in bed. Selfish, bumbling, and defensive about feedback. On top of it, he is selfish and lazy in everyday life. I spent years stating clearly what my needs in and out of bed were and ending up in arguments, with my needs still unmet. Over time, my romantic feelings towards him died as I realized I was wasting my life trying to connect with an emotionally immature man-child. We continued to have sex primarily because I wasn’t assertive enough to tell him to ferk off. I started faking orgasms and then finishing myself with a vibrator in the shower. I also stopped wasting my life trying to get him to be an equal partner and decided to proceed as if I was a single mother. We stopped fighting, I went about life with him on autopilot and made friends to fulfill unmet needs. He decided we were in a good relationship because we now have “peace.”

A decade into our marriage, I had gone from the insecure late 20-something who married him to an almost 40 year old coming into my own. I stopped letting him use me for sex I found unfulfilling. I treat him as what he is: the father of my children. I am kind to him primarily to model good behavior to my children. I am even fond of him the way one is still fond of an annoying relative. But I am staying purely for the kids.

Lately, he has been complaining about the frequency of sex. I have no interest in subjecting myself to sex with him. I haven’t cheated...yet. I’m very busy being a working, married single mother of 3. But the sex is just a greater symptom of a terrible marriage and he’s too selfish to see that.

Was the sex bad when you were dating? I'm trying to figure out how you ended up married to someone who is bad in bed.

PP here. You know how men accuse women of pulling a bait-and-switch to get married? Well, men do it too. He was never the best in bed before marriage, but he pretended to be interested in learning. We experimented with toys and positions, talked a lot during sex, and he seemed into learning my body as I was learning his. I was into that. Within months of marriage, his idea of foreplay was laying back and asking me to go down. He also stopped doing chores without a huge fight. I was already pregnant by then and I thought long and hard about aborting and getting a divorce. I couldn’t bring myself to abort and I had hope I could turn the marriage around. It was a mistake. I should have aborted and never looked back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a conversation with me that sounded so much like this. I had to read comments because I was like Hmm. The difference is we DO have sex even if it’s 2-3 a month. So it’s not sexless. We have an age gap. I’m usually exhausted and he doesn’t try any foreplay. His idea of foredolay is just a finger. Zero romance or putting in time.

So my question to you-

Is it really sexless?
Are you romantic?
If she’s too tired to have an affair, what have you done to relieve her of it?

Without knowing full details, hard to say. Little kid years are tough. We were amazing before kids and I’m tired and ready to sleep.

PP DH here: I appreciate your honesty, but you sound like a DW who may go forward with your marriage and not initiate sex basically ever.

Ok now you definitely sound like my husband. Is keeping a tally of who initiates that important? I mean if you are getting regular sex twice a week? Really?? And that’s enough to walk away. I met if you tried like before and gave it time she would initiate. At least I would. But before my husband gives me a chance he starts bitching again and turns me off.

If someone literally never initiates and sex is infrequent, isn’t that proof of a loss of desire? Good people don’t knowingly/continually have sex with partners who have zero/negative desire for sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a conversation with me that sounded so much like this. I had to read comments because I was like Hmm. The difference is we DO have sex even if it’s 2-3 a month. So it’s not sexless. We have an age gap. I’m usually exhausted and he doesn’t try any foreplay. His idea of foredolay is just a finger. Zero romance or putting in time.

So my question to you-

Is it really sexless?
Are you romantic?
If she’s too tired to have an affair, what have you done to relieve her of it?

Without knowing full details, hard to say. Little kid years are tough. We were amazing before kids and I’m tired and ready to sleep.

PP DH here: I appreciate your honesty, but you sound like a DW who may go forward with your marriage and not initiate sex basically ever.

Ok now you definitely sound like my husband. Is keeping a tally of who initiates that important? I mean if you are getting regular sex twice a week? Really?? And that’s enough to walk away. I met if you tried like before and gave it time she would initiate. At least I would. But before my husband gives me a chance he starts bitching again and turns me off.

If someone literally never initiates and sex is infrequent, isn’t that proof of a loss of desire? Good people don’t knowingly/continually have sex with partners who have zero/negative desire for sex.

What’s literally? I mean if you’re my DH, you had a parent loss, crazy work schedule traveling 7 times a week. It is YOUR interpretation of events that I treat your touches that way. That’s how YOU make ME feel. I don’t say stop touching me-which you do. If your my husband the insensitive thing is to be thinking of divorce in a pandemic while I’m freaking sick with possibly COVID. ladies and gentlemen this is why his wife doesn’t initiate. It’s not romantic it’s actually childish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'll explain why this happens with us. DH has never shown any physical affection except as a prelude to sex. So when he approaches with a kiss or a pat on the behind, I know that reciprocating means that he will expect sex to follow. If I don't want to raise false expectations, I have to be indifferent to the casual physical affection. I wish it were different, because I actually love to hold hands, cuddle, etc. But I learned a long time ago that I can't have that all by itself without being considered a tease.

OP back again. This is a good insight and pretty helpful to hear. It’s not really the case that I’m only physically affectionate when I want sex, or that I take any affection on her part as a cue for sex...but now that you mention it, I think SHE thinks that’s the way I think, and shies away as a result. That’s pretty straightforward to clear up (I hope), but that’s the easy part of the conversation. I often like to feel physically close without needing or expecting sex. The part of the conversation about, you know...actually having sex...will be harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible you’re bad in bed? I know your impulse is to dismiss that, but stay with me here.

DH is bad in bed. Selfish, bumbling, and defensive about feedback. On top of it, he is selfish and lazy in everyday life. I spent years stating clearly what my needs in and out of bed were and ending up in arguments, with my needs still unmet. Over time, my romantic feelings towards him died as I realized I was wasting my life trying to connect with an emotionally immature man-child. We continued to have sex primarily because I wasn’t assertive enough to tell him to ferk off. I started faking orgasms and then finishing myself with a vibrator in the shower. I also stopped wasting my life trying to get him to be an equal partner and decided to proceed as if I was a single mother. We stopped fighting, I went about life with him on autopilot and made friends to fulfill unmet needs. He decided we were in a good relationship because we now have “peace.”

A decade into our marriage, I had gone from the insecure late 20-something who married him to an almost 40 year old coming into my own. I stopped letting him use me for sex I found unfulfilling. I treat him as what he is: the father of my children. I am kind to him primarily to model good behavior to my children. I am even fond of him the way one is still fond of an annoying relative. But I am staying purely for the kids.

Lately, he has been complaining about the frequency of sex. I have no interest in subjecting myself to sex with him. I haven’t cheated...yet. I’m very busy being a working, married single mother of 3. But the sex is just a greater symptom of a terrible marriage and he’s too selfish to see that.

Was the sex bad when you were dating? I'm trying to figure out how you ended up married to someone who is bad in bed.

OP here. Yep, entirely possible. I never claimed to be the World’s Best Lover. Though I don’t *think* that’s the problem. I’m attentive, receptive to feedback, always try to put her pleasure first. She’s assertive enough to let me know when I’m not meeting her needs. Re that last question, no, she’s not bad in bed. The sex was great when we were dating. And married. And post-kids. Still is good, on the depressingly rare occasions we have it.

If she, as you say, is only fond of me like an annoying relative, I’d prefer she’d just say so. Then we could untie the knot and get on with our separate lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible you’re bad in bed? I know your impulse is to dismiss that, but stay with me here.

DH is bad in bed. Selfish, bumbling, and defensive about feedback. On top of it, he is selfish and lazy in everyday life. I spent years stating clearly what my needs in and out of bed were and ending up in arguments, with my needs still unmet. Over time, my romantic feelings towards him died as I realized I was wasting my life trying to connect with an emotionally immature man-child. We continued to have sex primarily because I wasn’t assertive enough to tell him to ferk off. I started faking orgasms and then finishing myself with a vibrator in the shower. I also stopped wasting my life trying to get him to be an equal partner and decided to proceed as if I was a single mother. We stopped fighting, I went about life with him on autopilot and made friends to fulfill unmet needs. He decided we were in a good relationship because we now have “peace.”

A decade into our marriage, I had gone from the insecure late 20-something who married him to an almost 40 year old coming into my own. I stopped letting him use me for sex I found unfulfilling. I treat him as what he is: the father of my children. I am kind to him primarily to model good behavior to my children. I am even fond of him the way one is still fond of an annoying relative. But I am staying purely for the kids.

Lately, he has been complaining about the frequency of sex. I have no interest in subjecting myself to sex with him. I haven’t cheated...yet. I’m very busy being a working, married single mother of 3. But the sex is just a greater symptom of a terrible marriage and he’s too selfish to see that.

Was the sex bad when you were dating? I'm trying to figure out how you ended up married to someone who is bad in bed.

OP here. Yep, entirely possible. I never claimed to be the World’s Best Lover. Though I don’t *think* that’s the problem. I’m attentive, receptive to feedback, always try to put her pleasure first. She’s assertive enough to let me know when I’m not meeting her needs. Re that last question, no, she’s not bad in bed. The sex was great when we were dating. And married. And post-kids. Still is good, on the depressingly rare occasions we have it.

If she, as you say, is only fond of me like an annoying relative, I’d prefer she’d just say so. Then we could untie the knot and get on with our separate lives.

OP, I have been where you were, and was there for a decade. If you are having sex 2-3x a month and if she is not giving you are hard time and the sex is still decent, then it's as good as it gets. Seriously. That's married sex in your late 30s to early 50s, and then it drops down from there. yes, yes, I know there are women who LOVE sex with their husbands and they exist and it's probably 20% of marriages at best.

Take stock in what you have, sometimes we can fixate on what's missing. And if you decide a good sex life is worth divorcing over (or cheating over) it's understandable, many people do along the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

Same. It’s kind of like a weekly chore I mentally check off.

DH here. I get the lack of desire for sex, but why the deprivation of all physical affection? As the OP wrote: “ She’s not mean or uncaring, but makes anything more than a peck on the lips or chaste hug feel like an imposition. Even casual physical affection (holding hands, playful grabbing, whatever) is pretty much gone. ”

Shouldn’t a DW hate herself for being so standoffish to her DH who loves her? (Assuming that they both want to stay married, and that one spouse hasn’t gone to seed.)

I'll explain why this happens with us. DH has never shown any physical affection except as a prelude to sex. So when he approaches with a kiss or a pat on the behind, I know that reciprocating means that he will expect sex to follow. If I don't want to raise false expectations, I have to be indifferent to the casual physical affection. I wish it were different, because I actually love to hold hands, cuddle, etc. But I learned a long time ago that I can't have that all by itself without being considered a tease.

Yes!!! DH doesn’t understand why I don’t want to snuggle with him at night... every time I do, he thinks it’s an invitation, so unless I’m up for sex, I have to steer clear or turn him down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible you’re bad in bed? I know your impulse is to dismiss that, but stay with me here.

DH is bad in bed. Selfish, bumbling, and defensive about feedback. On top of it, he is selfish and lazy in everyday life. I spent years stating clearly what my needs in and out of bed were and ending up in arguments, with my needs still unmet. Over time, my romantic feelings towards him died as I realized I was wasting my life trying to connect with an emotionally immature man-child. We continued to have sex primarily because I wasn’t assertive enough to tell him to ferk off. I started faking orgasms and then finishing myself with a vibrator in the shower. I also stopped wasting my life trying to get him to be an equal partner and decided to proceed as if I was a single mother. We stopped fighting, I went about life with him on autopilot and made friends to fulfill unmet needs. He decided we were in a good relationship because we now have “peace.”

A decade into our marriage, I had gone from the insecure late 20-something who married him to an almost 40 year old coming into my own. I stopped letting him use me for sex I found unfulfilling. I treat him as what he is: the father of my children. I am kind to him primarily to model good behavior to my children. I am even fond of him the way one is still fond of an annoying relative. But I am staying purely for the kids.

Lately, he has been complaining about the frequency of sex. I have no interest in subjecting myself to sex with him. I haven’t cheated...yet. I’m very busy being a working, married single mother of 3. But the sex is just a greater symptom of a terrible marriage and he’s too selfish to see that.

Was the sex bad when you were dating? I'm trying to figure out how you ended up married to someone who is bad in bed.

OP here. Yep, entirely possible. I never claimed to be the World’s Best Lover. Though I don’t *think* that’s the problem. I’m attentive, receptive to feedback, always try to put her pleasure first. She’s assertive enough to let me know when I’m not meeting her needs. Re that last question, no, she’s not bad in bed. The sex was great when we were dating. And married. And post-kids. Still is good, on the depressingly rare occasions we have it.

If she, as you say, is only fond of me like an annoying relative, I’d prefer she’d just say so. Then we could untie the knot and get on with our separate lives.

OP, I have been where you were, and was there for a decade. If you are having sex 2-3x a month and if she is not giving you are hard time and the sex is still decent, then it's as good as it gets. Seriously. That's married sex in your late 30s to early 50s, and then it drops down from there. yes, yes, I know there are women who LOVE sex with their husbands and they exist and it's probably 20% of marriages at best.

Take stock in what you have, sometimes we can fixate on what's missing. And if you decide a good sex life is worth divorcing over (or cheating over) it's understandable, many people do along the way.

+1