If your spouse lost all interest in sex, could you stay married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced dad here. Our marriage didn't survive this, not because we divorced over this single issue, but because we drifted apart.

I think we were equally to blame, but I know share a lot of the blame and have had extensive therapy to learn and grow.

Of course I then had tons of sex when I was newly single and I was feeling great. But now that I'm older that is not as important to me and I think if we'd stuck it out we'd be happy as an older couple.

+1. Sticking it out would have been a good option.

[Anonymous]

Yes - found a few APs over the years. Couldn't keep it going, so I divorced him last year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a conversation with me that sounded so much like this. I had to read comments because I was like Hmm. The difference is we DO have sex even if it’s 2-3 a month. So it’s not sexless. We have an age gap. I’m usually exhausted and he doesn’t try any foreplay. His idea of foredolay is just a finger. Zero romance or putting in time.

So my question to you-

Is it really sexless?
Are you romantic?
If she’s too tired to have an affair, what have you done to relieve her of it?

Without knowing full details, hard to say. Little kid years are tough. We were amazing before kids and I’m tired and ready to sleep.

PP DH here: I appreciate your honesty, but you sound like a DW who may go forward with your marriage and not initiate sex basically ever.

Ok now you definitely sound like my husband. Is keeping a tally of who initiates that important? I mean if you are getting regular sex twice a week? Really?? And that’s enough to walk away. I met if you tried like before and gave it time she would initiate. At least I would. But before my husband gives me a chance he starts bitching again and turns me off.

If someone literally never initiates and sex is infrequent, isn’t that proof of a loss of desire? Good people don’t knowingly/continually have sex with partners who have zero/negative desire for sex.

I am amazed at the ones who get rejected or doesn’t feel desired don’t see how they’re part of the marital problem outside of the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Wife here. Yes and no. I’d be way more into having sex with my DH if he could wrap things up a little quicker. We have a 2 and 4 year old boys and I’m exhausted by the end of day. I don’t want a 45 minute session with all the bells and whistles. We don’t live in a porn film and by 8pm there is nothing left in me to even fake it. Doesn’t help that we now sleep in separate beds (each cosleeping with a kid - he started that btw, not me).

In short: 5 minutes and pull the curtain please so that I can go to bed. I’d put out way more if I knew this would happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced dad here. Our marriage didn't survive this, not because we divorced over this single issue, but because we drifted apart.

I think we were equally to blame, but I know share a lot of the blame and have had extensive therapy to learn and grow.

Of course I then had tons of sex when I was newly single and I was feeling great. But now that I'm older that is not as important to me and I think if we'd stuck it out we'd be happy as an older couple.

Divorced woman here, grown kids. Everything you said applies to me/us exactly, except your last sentence. I am still friends with my ex but I am so glad I am not married to him anymore. It wouldn't be horrible but I know I am so much happier in my single, alone life than I would have been with him.

[Anonymous]

^^Oh, and also, it was my H who lost interest in sex and just so you know it wasn't me he never has seemed to regain any interest in sex in the years since our divorce. I, on the other hand, had two relationships that were very happy in most ways but especially a frequent, wonderful sex life.

[Anonymous]

I love how in other threads people always say if a man hasn’t been married, it’s a red flag. Really? This thread is not making marriage look good at all. No wonder people hesitate getting married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how in other threads people always say if a man hasn’t been married, it’s a red flag. Really? This thread is not making marriage look good at all. No wonder people hesitate getting married

Marriage is great for stability, finances and raising kids but no one ever said it was a great institution for sex. Most people realize marriage is the slow death of a sex life.

[Anonymous]

We do it maybe twice a month. Our marriage is actually great right now, despite some really rough patches over the course of a decade. He's gained 100 pounds since we met unfortunately and while 30 pounds ago it didn't bother me much, now I really struggle to maintain a sexual attraction to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I think having a talk with her to let her know that this is a serious concern for you and that you should go to a marriage/sex counselor..

. Serious question. Does anyone in this situation not know how serious it is? Does any woman who cuts off her husband really think he can just adjust to it and go on with life, resigned to the fact that his sex life is now over for good?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be very surprised if my spouse lost interest in sex. I'm very much a PTA Mom/Girl Next Door type but behind closed door I'm pretty game for anything as long as it doesn't involve a third person.

Google atrophic vaginitis and then get back to us. If men had to masturbate with sandpaper after age 50, they'd quit enjoying it too.

Yes, this is what ended my sex drive a few years after menopause

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I think having a talk with her to let her know that this is a serious concern for you and that you should go to a marriage/sex counselor..

. Serious question. Does anyone in this situation not know how serious it is? Does any woman who cuts off her husband really think he can just adjust to it and go on with life, resigned to the fact that his sex life is now over for good?

Serious answer that DC UM doesn't believe: sometimes it's so easy to think that what you are feeling or thinking is natural and so your partner must feel that way as well. When you say you can't believe women don't understand about men's sex drive, aren't you you doing the same? It's good to have empathy so that we can understand each other's' viewpoint. Reading on h ere has helped me to understand men's viewpoint better and so I hate it when men post how can you not know this about us.

[Anonymous]

I know men hate to hear it but sex for much of most women's lives is mental. If she is not 'feeling' you she won't be 'feeling' you.
LIke others above, if i let my DH kiss me, snuggle with me etc I know I am about to get groped and expected to have sex because it gets him horny feeling me. Yes, that is nice to hear, but sometimes I want to just snuggle with my husband or hold his hand without him gearing up for an hour of sex.
That brings me to another point. The length of time. My DH could get done in about 45 seconds but insists on this long drawn out sex act each time. I explain to lets keep it light or how about a quickly but he just wants it all. The touching every inch of my body, the licking me, etc etc. If he could occasionally just do it and be done we would do it a lot more.
Initiating. I do. Almost all of the time because i know when I am up for an hour of sex and when I am not. We do it on average 1x per week, sometimes more. But honestly, other than that I have nothing to give. Times where i go through the mostions and he doesn't feel I am 100% in it becomes a huge fight. Its not all the time i feel this way, but sometimes and I do get into it, just not crazy. But THAT is not good enough for him. So i only initiate when i can give it my all.

See a pattern?? Nothing is ever good enough for DH and sex. THey either want it more, want it more passionate, want it longer. Its like just do it and be done. NO college guy is out there licking his girlfriend who is going crazy for an hour more than 1x per week. Just not happening so why DH thinks as a 45 year old man he should no idea.

Also, my mood for it depends on how his mood is toward me. Weeks where i am stressed and he steps up without me begging him to, i am MUCH MUCH more likely to get it on with him. I hate having to 'mother' him to do things adults should just do (dishes, laundry, vacuum, play with the kids, help with homework). He has never asked my help or reminded me to do one damn thing around the house and it all gets done. I hate having to remind him of things HE should be doing and know about. That is my biggest turn off ever and suspect a lot of men are turning off their hot wives because they force their wives to micromanage them and treat them like children.

[Anonymous]

^so on point that men have so many requirements of what sex should be. This is where there's no middle point for men. Sex has to be frequent and women have to feel excited about it all the time from start to end and you shouldn't say no to some acts and you have to initiate. So many requirements.

[Anonymous]

Are you married to my wife? She would rather read than have sex anytime and reads to avoid it as well. She claims low libido, even tried taking some meds at one point. Yes, I gave up even trying. If we have sex a couple times a year I consider myself lucky but even then, the lack of effort makes it seem worthless.