If your spouse lost all interest in sex, could you stay married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before we got married, I made it clear that intimacy is a critical factor for my happiness. She said, "me, too."

For years we enjoyed a healthy sex life, even after having children. But then the frequency waned. Then her interest waned. And now we're in a desert.

I've always taken on more of the HH chores - 100% of laundry for 5 member HH, shared groceries, most of the cleaning, shared cooking, as well as full-time "grounds keeper". So she's not swamped with work. I adore and spend a lot of quality time with our children. I do all of this because I want to and I care for my family; not as a down-payment for sex.

I'm early 50s and live a relatively healthy lifestyle - no drinking/smoking and an avid runner - most days I can still see my 6-pack. I have a great job and bring in a respectable income.

I have tried talking with her. Tried spicing things up. Date nights and planned get-aways. We went to counseling. Still, desert. Absolutely dead.

I love her very much and over the years I've resisted temptation. However, it wasn't always easy to walk away. And sometimes, when things are particularly difficult, I regret those decisions.

I understand that she no longer wishes to be intimate. It's her body and that is obviously her right. I get it. I don't beat her up about it. I don't engage the conversation anymore. I still do my part for our family. I know my wife is happy.

But a lot of times I feel dead inside. I can't trick my mind and body into thinking I don't need intimacy. I feel unloved and betrayed. I honestly don't know what to do.

And yeah, I realize this post sounds pathetic.

You sound like a good guy. Just don’t cheat. Go to sex counselor and let her know it’s required. You have something that you can work with.

It is NOT cheating when a man in sexless marriage saves his marriage by meeting his normal/legitimate needs elsewhere. Stop calling it that.

It IS cheating if they don't talk about it first.

That’s a 5 second conversation. Nice to have (as a courtesy) but not essential.

Not essential if you're cool with cheating. Essential if you're a decent human being.

Not cheating. Any sexless wife ABSOLUTELY KNOWS that a normal man has needs and if she's not interested that his is meeting that need elsewhere. And she should be gratefull for that because it has saved her from divorce.
The conversation is totally redundant, and therefore, optional.

LOL. Love your "logic". Yeah, the only ones who think that are dudes who want to cheat but who are too chickenshit (or lazy) to have a conversation about that with their wives.

Alexa, define self-serving.

Again this is not cheating. A sexless wife KNOWS the score. Stop playing dumb here. If you aren't having sex, get a divorce or accept the fact that men don't go celibate.

How about you're wrong. I'm a wife and I didn't know this so STOP saying this all the time. You're wrong that women know that ALL men cheat when they're not having enough sex. You're wrong that cheating is the only option. You're right that you could bring up open marriage. Of course, a 5 sec. message that you're opening the marriage is not discussing so your wife should divorce you since you're a jerk anyway. I can't even fathom someone marrying/dating you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before we got married, I made it clear that intimacy is a critical factor for my happiness. She said, "me, too."

For years we enjoyed a healthy sex life, even after having children. But then the frequency waned. Then her interest waned. And now we're in a desert.

I've always taken on more of the HH chores - 100% of laundry for 5 member HH, shared groceries, most of the cleaning, shared cooking, as well as full-time "grounds keeper". So she's not swamped with work. I adore and spend a lot of quality time with our children. I do all of this because I want to and I care for my family; not as a down-payment for sex.

I'm early 50s and live a relatively healthy lifestyle - no drinking/smoking and an avid runner - most days I can still see my 6-pack. I have a great job and bring in a respectable income.

I have tried talking with her. Tried spicing things up. Date nights and planned get-aways. We went to counseling. Still, desert. Absolutely dead.

I love her very much and over the years I've resisted temptation. However, it wasn't always easy to walk away. And sometimes, when things are particularly difficult, I regret those decisions.

I understand that she no longer wishes to be intimate. It's her body and that is obviously her right. I get it. I don't beat her up about it. I don't engage the conversation anymore. I still do my part for our family. I know my wife is happy.

But a lot of times I feel dead inside. I can't trick my mind and body into thinking I don't need intimacy. I feel unloved and betrayed. I honestly don't know what to do.

And yeah, I realize this post sounds pathetic.

You sound like a good guy. Just don’t cheat. Go to sex counselor and let her know it’s required. You have something that you can work with.

It is NOT cheating when a man in sexless marriage saves his marriage by meeting his normal/legitimate needs elsewhere. Stop calling it that.

It IS cheating if they don't talk about it first.

That’s a 5 second conversation. Nice to have (as a courtesy) but not essential.

Not essential if you're cool with cheating. Essential if you're a decent human being.

Not cheating. Any sexless wife ABSOLUTELY KNOWS that a normal man has needs and if she's not interested that his is meeting that need elsewhere. And she should be gratefull for that because it has saved her from divorce.
The conversation is totally redundant, and therefore, optional.

LOL. Love your "logic". Yeah, the only ones who think that are dudes who want to cheat but who are too chickenshit (or lazy) to have a conversation about that with their wives.

Alexa, define self-serving.

Again this is not cheating. A sexless wife KNOWS the score. Stop playing dumb here. If you aren't having sex, get a divorce or accept the fact that men don't go celibate.

Okay, my dude, I have a 100% serious question for you and I very much hope you answer it.

The lesbian upthread -- should her wife expect her to be cheating? Or is this only something that women married to men must expect? Yet the sex-starved lesbian above is clearly suffering as much as the sex-starved men you're giving a pass.

We've had quite a few women posting that their husbands are denying them sex. Should their husbands also expect their wives to be stepping out? You say again and again that this is something that "wives" definitely already know about "men". But clearly it happens to women as well.

It's not cheating if your spouse (man or woman) does not want sex with you (man or woman).
I will point out that women DO seem to have the ability to go without sex, whereas men are NOT able to do so.
But either way, not cheating.

Well, the testimony of sex-starved women married to men with zero sex drive contradicts this. They're not hard to find and there have been plenty of such discussions in the past on this very forum.

Some men are able to go without sex. Some women are able to go without sex. Stop pretending that you're the way you are because you're a man. You're the way you are because... it's the way you are. Nothing wrong with that, but you shouldn't expect anyone to automatically know anything about you, and that includes your tolerance for going without sex.

Perhaps there are a handful of men who CAN go without sex. Perhaps there are a handful of women who can NOT go without sex.
The existence of a small fractional percentage of outliers does not really change this discussion, which applies the exact same whether a man or woman.

Citation needed.

And no, "this is what I have decided is true to justify my cheating" is not a citation.

I've seen you on so many of these boards over and over again claiming that you're doing nothing wrong by cheating because she should have known you would. If you're really so comfortable with your decision, why can't you stop talking about it? If your conscience is easy, then why do you keep trying to convince strangers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the same person pushing this narrative over and over again in multiple threads. He is angry, unpersuadable, and cannot see nuance. I think that makes him a troll at this point and it is best to ignore him. Before he showed up, there was a thoughtful conversation going on about how long-standing marriages can manage shifts in libido in one spouse or the other.

I agree. Why are we letting him control the narrative? Ignore Ignore Ignore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is the same person pushing this narrative over and over again in multiple threads. He is angry, unpersuadable, and cannot see nuance. I think that makes him a troll at this point and it is best to ignore him. Before he showed up, there was a thoughtful conversation going on about how long-standing marriages can manage shifts in libido in one spouse or the other.

Do you tell a desire-less wife to keep forcing herself to have unwanted sex? Do you tell her to divorce?
You may not like to hear this but open marriage is actually the best possible outcome for HER.

[Anonymous]

Ignoring "declare open marriage guy" if we can, I wonder what responsibility others might think a low desire spouse has to address the situation if sex frequency drops below, say, once a month without any obvious medical reason.

The higher desire spouse is supposed to communicate, and that's fine, but is the lower desire spouse justified in ignoring the situation or assuming nothing is wrong?

[Anonymous]

It’s up to each spouse to communicate needs and it’s up to the other to meet those needs within reason. That’s marriage. I have little sex drive, but it’s important to my husband so I’m willing to have sex pretty much whenever he wants (again within reason); likewise there are many things he does with me or for me, that he doesn’t have a burning desire to do but he does them anyway because it matters to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignoring "declare open marriage guy" if we can, I wonder what responsibility others might think a low desire spouse has to address the situation if sex frequency drops below, say, once a month without any obvious medical reason.

The higher desire spouse is supposed to communicate, and that's fine, but is the lower desire spouse justified in ignoring the situation or assuming nothing is wrong?

Sometimes, the problem really isn't solvable.

If the problem is a desire gap - she wants it 1x a week, he wants it 3x a week, then there can be a 2x a week compromise or some activity in between 1x a week. But if she (or he) doesn't want it at all, the idea of 1x a week turns into resentment. I have BTDT for coming on a decade. Multiple conversations, efforts, toys, mid-day, end of day, morning, role-play, quickies, longer - it doesn't matter. The core issue is a total lack of desire (or desire for me) and there is no amount she wants.

If you have ever had to choose between having sex with a partner that clearly prefers not to - even if she (or he) is doing it out of love/charity - it eventually becomes pointless. And the marriage will whither, you can only hide a total lack of desire for so long. It will always end in cheating, divorce or resentment. Always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignoring "declare open marriage guy" if we can, I wonder what responsibility others might think a low desire spouse has to address the situation if sex frequency drops below, say, once a month without any obvious medical reason.

The higher desire spouse is supposed to communicate, and that's fine, but is the lower desire spouse justified in ignoring the situation or assuming nothing is wrong?

Sometimes, the problem really isn't solvable.

If the problem is a desire gap - she wants it 1x a week, he wants it 3x a week, then there can be a 2x a week compromise or some activity in between 1x a week. But if she (or he) doesn't want it at all, the idea of 1x a week turns into resentment. I have BTDT for coming on a decade. Multiple conversations, efforts, toys, mid-day, end of day, morning, role-play, quickies, longer - it doesn't matter. The core issue is a total lack of desire (or desire for me) and there is no amount she wants.

If you have ever had to choose between having sex with a partner that clearly prefers not to - even if she (or he) is doing it out of love/charity - it eventually becomes pointless. And the marriage will whither, you can only hide a total lack of desire for so long. It will always end in cheating, divorce or resentment. Always.

So what you’re saying is that as soon as you know there’s a gap in drive, just divorce since effort from lower drive spouse isn’t worth it. I’m wondering what % of relationships have a gap in drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignoring "declare open marriage guy" if we can, I wonder what responsibility others might think a low desire spouse has to address the situation if sex frequency drops below, say, once a month without any obvious medical reason.

The higher desire spouse is supposed to communicate, and that's fine, but is the lower desire spouse justified in ignoring the situation or assuming nothing is wrong?

Sometimes, the problem really isn't solvable.

If the problem is a desire gap - she wants it 1x a week, he wants it 3x a week, then there can be a 2x a week compromise or some activity in between 1x a week. But if she (or he) doesn't want it at all, the idea of 1x a week turns into resentment. I have BTDT for coming on a decade. Multiple conversations, efforts, toys, mid-day, end of day, morning, role-play, quickies, longer - it doesn't matter. The core issue is a total lack of desire (or desire for me) and there is no amount she wants.

If you have ever had to choose between having sex with a partner that clearly prefers not to - even if she (or he) is doing it out of love/charity - it eventually becomes pointless. And the marriage will whither, you can only hide a total lack of desire for so long. It will always end in cheating, divorce or resentment. Always.

So what you’re saying is that as soon as you know there’s a gap in drive, just divorce since effort from lower drive spouse isn’t worth it. I’m wondering what % of relationships have a gap in drive.

I think this and the previous responses are good answers.

I'll just add that once a spouse has respectfully communicated, in some cases multiple times, that sex is essential to them then it seems reasonable that the LD spouse remains mindful of that need. Expecting the HD spouse to provide regular reminders of this need feels unfair. From personal experience, those are not always easy conversations to broach. So to address your question head-on, if the LD spouse knows the frequency has dropped due to their actions/inaction, they are responsible for going to their spouse to address the issue. Please do not misinterpret the HD spouse's silence around the lack of frequency as a signal that they are ok with the change. They're not.

Compromising and sacrifice is essential. An LD spouse may not want to engage for a number of good reasons - maybe they've simply lost interest, or there are natural and medical changes going on. But shouldn't mean the HD spouse is left completely wanting. Ideally, the two will compromise - which means both must sacrifice.

If a LD/HD relationship cannot compromise, for whatever reason, another difficult conversation about sacrifice has to take place. Is the HD partner willing to go without sex for the sake of the relationship? Can the relationship survive without this kind of intimacy? What other options are available? I generally disagree with the hypothesis that the end-goal for most HD spouses in dead bedrooms is to cheat. For some? Sure. But we should think twice about dropping such a large group in one box. That's lazy. A lot of these people are still very much attracted to their partners. They are frustrated and that is certainly partly the cause for why this issue has wrecked our bedrooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the HD partner willing to go without sex for the sake of the relationship?

In general this is not possible

Anonymous wrote:Can the relationship survive without this kind of intimacy?

Generally, No

Anonymous wrote:What other options are available? I generally disagree with the hypothesis that the end-goal for most HD spouses in dead bedrooms is to cheat. For some? Sure. But we should think twice about dropping such a large group in one box. That's lazy. A lot of these people are still very much attracted to their partners. They are frustrated and that is certainly partly the cause for why this issue has wrecked our bedrooms.

Lots of words which say absolutely zero of practical use. Try again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignoring "declare open marriage guy" if we can, I wonder what responsibility others might think a low desire spouse has to address the situation if sex frequency drops below, say, once a month without any obvious medical reason.

The higher desire spouse is supposed to communicate, and that's fine, but is the lower desire spouse justified in ignoring the situation or assuming nothing is wrong?

Sometimes, the problem really isn't solvable.

If the problem is a desire gap - she wants it 1x a week, he wants it 3x a week, then there can be a 2x a week compromise or some activity in between 1x a week. But if she (or he) doesn't want it at all, the idea of 1x a week turns into resentment. I have BTDT for coming on a decade. Multiple conversations, efforts, toys, mid-day, end of day, morning, role-play, quickies, longer - it doesn't matter. The core issue is a total lack of desire (or desire for me) and there is no amount she wants.

If you have ever had to choose between having sex with a partner that clearly prefers not to - even if she (or he) is doing it out of love/charity - it eventually becomes pointless. And the marriage will whither, you can only hide a total lack of desire for so long. It will always end in cheating, divorce or resentment. Always.

So what you’re saying is that as soon as you know there’s a gap in drive, just divorce since effort from lower drive spouse isn’t worth it. I’m wondering what % of relationships have a gap in drive.

I think this and the previous responses are good answers.

I'll just add that once a spouse has respectfully communicated, in some cases multiple times, that sex is essential to them then it seems reasonable that the LD spouse remains mindful of that need. Expecting the HD spouse to provide regular reminders of this need feels unfair. From personal experience, those are not always easy conversations to broach. So to address your question head-on, if the LD spouse knows the frequency has dropped due to their actions/inaction, they are responsible for going to their spouse to address the issue. Please do not misinterpret the HD spouse's silence around the lack of frequency as a signal that they are ok with the change. They're not.

Compromising and sacrifice is essential. An LD spouse may not want to engage for a number of good reasons - maybe they've simply lost interest, or there are natural and medical changes going on. But shouldn't mean the HD spouse is left completely wanting. Ideally, the two will compromise - which means both must sacrifice.

If a LD/HD relationship cannot compromise, for whatever reason, another difficult conversation about sacrifice has to take place. Is the HD partner willing to go without sex for the sake of the relationship? Can the relationship survive without this kind of intimacy? What other options are available? I generally disagree with the hypothesis that the end-goal for most HD spouses in dead bedrooms is to cheat. For some? Sure. But we should think twice about dropping such a large group in one box. That's lazy. A lot of these people are still very much attracted to their partners. They are frustrated and that is certainly partly the cause for why this issue has wrecked our bedrooms.

So I'm the pp you responded to. The one thing I find interesting in your post is that sacrifice is mainly mentioned with respect to LD spouse. As per your earlier post, effort from LD spouse if pointless. This means that there's nothing that LD spouse can do that will be satisfactory for HD spouse...meaning there's no compromise from HD end. Again, what I understand from your poist is that once a HD spouse mentions they are not happy, it's better to divorce because there's no satisfactory solution for HD spouse.

Also, you didn't mention what % of relationships have a difference in drive levels. Any difference in drive level could be unsatisfactory and so curious.

BTW, cheating should never be an option. We can discuss other things but cheating is just wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I would remain married.
I have always been very high libido and for me sex is not just about sexual release. I say that because we are open about our needs and if we want to have an orgasm we can self-help if the situation warrants it. For me, sex with my DH is an affirmation of our whole relationship and life itself. My marriage gives me unhindered access to my DH's body for comfort, pleasure, entertainment, connection- and vice versa. If ever my spouse loses all interest in sex I will chalk it up to some sadness, illness or disability in him. I have been in the situation when I lost all interest in sex for prolonged periods during pregnancies and postpartum. He did not change towards me because he knew this was not a rejection of him. DH and I both agree that sexual release is important (through sex or self-pleasure) and that we will seek out help if lack of libido can be fixed through medical reason. For us - it is for better or worse and in sickness and health. And for us marriage also means monogamy and fidelity.

- DW

You should be aware the menopause is not a disability. It is normal. This is how we were made.

I am menopausal. And while there has been some drastic changes I have been able to overcome through medical aids and creativity I still like sex too much to write that part of my life off. I also do not want my DH to go without sex with me if I can help it. But, most importantly, I do not want to give up sex just because I am menopausal as I enjoy sex too much.

[Anonymous]

I am. DH doesn’t want it. It’s been years since he’s wanted it. He’s tried a few times, maybe 3 or 4 times in the last year, but stops because he’s not into it or can’t say hard.

I’ve asked him if it’s me, he says it’s not. I’ve asked him for 3 years to see a doctor, he did last year but hasn’t followed up on bloodwork, and well, we all know this isn’t an emergency visit.

I found lube and he said it’s easy for him to masturbate in the shower.

I am the same weight as when we married.

I have increasingly fantasized about random men, lovers from my twenties, random men I would see out and about, for about two weeks or so when I’m mid-cycle. I feel like sometimes I need to lock myself in my room for the few days leading up to ovulation.

I could leave and it would be ok financially. I make enough to live in an apartment or townhome. I like our life though. It’s comfortable and stable. We have kids. We both had super messed up childhoods and so I really like that I can feed our kids, have a house, see them every day, and basically be stable.

I just miss and want sex. But eventually I think that will go away when I start menopause, which isn’t really that far away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am. DH doesn’t want it. It’s been years since he’s wanted it. He’s tried a few times, maybe 3 or 4 times in the last year, but stops because he’s not into it or can’t say hard.

I’ve asked him if it’s me, he says it’s not. I’ve asked him for 3 years to see a doctor, he did last year but hasn’t followed up on bloodwork, and well, we all know this isn’t an emergency visit.

I found lube and he said it’s easy for him to masturbate in the shower.

I am the same weight as when we married.

I have increasingly fantasized about random men, lovers from my twenties, random men I would see out and about, for about two weeks or so when I’m mid-cycle. I feel like sometimes I need to lock myself in my room for the few days leading up to ovulation.

I could leave and it would be ok financially. I make enough to live in an apartment or townhome. I like our life though. It’s comfortable and stable. We have kids. We both had super messed up childhoods and so I really like that I can feed our kids, have a house, see them every day, and basically be stable.

I just miss and want sex. But eventually I think that will go away when I start menopause, which isn’t really that far away.

You know that feeling you get in “the few days leading up to ovulation”? That is the drive men feel 24x7x365 and no menopause on the horizon. Do you agree now when I claim that men don’t stay celibate in a sexless marriage? Do you agree the sexless women up thread are completely insane to think a sexless marriage is actually sexless for anyone but her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am. DH doesn’t want it. It’s been years since he’s wanted it. He’s tried a few times, maybe 3 or 4 times in the last year, but stops because he’s not into it or can’t say hard.

I’ve asked him if it’s me, he says it’s not. I’ve asked him for 3 years to see a doctor, he did last year but hasn’t followed up on bloodwork, and well, we all know this isn’t an emergency visit.

I found lube and he said it’s easy for him to masturbate in the shower.

I am the same weight as when we married.

I have increasingly fantasized about random men, lovers from my twenties, random men I would see out and about, for about two weeks or so when I’m mid-cycle. I feel like sometimes I need to lock myself in my room for the few days leading up to ovulation.

I could leave and it would be ok financially. I make enough to live in an apartment or townhome. I like our life though. It’s comfortable and stable. We have kids. We both had super messed up childhoods and so I really like that I can feed our kids, have a house, see them every day, and basically be stable.

I just miss and want sex. But eventually I think that will go away when I start menopause, which isn’t really that far away.

You know that feeling you get in “the few days leading up to ovulation”? That is the drive men feel 24x7x365 and no menopause on the horizon. Do you agree now when I claim that men don’t stay celibate in a sexless marriage? Do you agree the sexless women up thread are completely insane to think a sexless marriage is actually sexless for anyone but her?

Please stop grinding this axe. Your point of view has been thoroughly aired and you’re just so unpleasant.

Yes, you are 100% justified and doing nothing wrong by cheating on your wife. In fact, it’s not even cheating! She should have known you’d cheat, because you’re a man and if you don’t get enough sex you’re biologically driven — nay, forced — to cheat!

Okay? You’re blameless and responsible for nothing. You’re an innocent victim. Bang away.

Now will you stop posting about this?