Reply to If your spouse lost all interest in sex, could you stay married?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b][i]Is it possible you’re bad in bed? I know your impulse is to dismiss that, but stay with me here.[/i] [/b]

DH is bad in bed. Selfish, bumbling, and defensive about feedback. On top of it, he is selfish and lazy in everyday life. I spent years stating clearly what my needs in and out of bed were and ending up in arguments, with my needs still unmet. Over time, my romantic feelings towards him died as I realized I was wasting my life trying to connect with an emotionally immature man-child. We continued to have sex primarily because I wasn’t assertive enough to tell him to ferk off. I started faking orgasms and then finishing myself with a vibrator in the shower. I also stopped wasting my life trying to get him to be an equal partner and decided to proceed as if I was a single mother. We stopped fighting, I went about life with him on autopilot and made friends to fulfill unmet needs. He decided we were in a good relationship because we now have “peace.”

A decade into our marriage, I had gone from the insecure late 20-something who married him to an almost 40 year old coming into my own. I stopped letting him use me for sex I found unfulfilling. I treat him as what he is: the father of my children. I am kind to him primarily to model good behavior to my children. I am even fond of him the way one is still fond of an annoying relative. But I am staying purely for the kids.

Lately, he has been complaining about the frequency of sex. I have no interest in subjecting myself to sex with him. I haven’t cheated...yet. I’m very busy being a working, married single mother of 3. But the sex is just a greater symptom of a terrible marriage and he’s too selfish to see that.[/quote]

Was the sex bad when you were dating? I'm trying to figure out how you ended up married to someone who is bad in bed.[/quote]

OP here. Yep, entirely possible. I never claimed to be the World’s Best Lover. Though I don’t *think* that’s the problem. I’m attentive, receptive to feedback, always try to put her pleasure first. She’s assertive enough to let me know when I’m not meeting her needs. Re that last question, no, she’s not bad in bed. The sex was great when we were dating. And married. And post-kids. Still is good, on the depressingly rare occasions we have it.

If she, as you say, is only fond of me like an annoying relative, I’d prefer she’d just say so. Then we could untie the knot and get on with our separate lives. :([/quote]

OP, I have been where you were, and was there for a decade.  If you are having sex 2-3x a month and if she is not giving you are hard time and the sex is still decent, then it's as good as it gets.  Seriously.  That's married sex in your late 30s to early 50s, and then it drops down from there.  yes, yes, I know there are women who LOVE sex with their husbands and they exist and it's probably 20% of marriages at best.

Take stock in what you have, sometimes we can fixate on what's missing.  And if you decide a good sex life is worth divorcing over (or cheating over) it's understandable, many people do along the way.[/quote]

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