If your spouse lost all interest in sex, could you stay married?

[Anonymous]

I think I could but that's irrelevant. If it's important to you, then it doesn't matter what other people think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your wife doesn't have time for an affair, how is you think she she has time to have sex with you?

Not being flippant. This is your problem.

This is my marriage too. DH shares in some childcare duties but leaves all household tasks and all the family mental load to me. (We've tried chore charts. He made it one day.) I am a SAHM with two kids under five who don't sleep well and haven't since birth. Even if I weren't exhausted all the time, they can't seem to let me take a shower in peace. I am clean enough to feel sexy only on Saturdays, when I'm also up from 4:30am to 12pm doing chores that I can't do during the week because the kids need too much attention. (I have two high energy boys. Sitting them at a table to color is not going to happen.) I do all the school work - am now learning to home school preschoolers - and all the bills, shopping, laundry, home and car repair - literally, anything that is not my DH's paid employment (which I also help with, to be honest) and bathtime, which DH does do, anything other than that is at my feet.

And on top of all that, my DH is nasty and mean to me on a regular basis. He routinely refuses to speak to me when I ask him questions and uses a very condescending tone. (Friends who have heard it happen have pulled me aside to express concern. It's that bad.)

Honestly, I miss sex so much. But, what the f*ck?!

And before the DCUM harpies pile on, believe me, changes will come when my children are old enough to advocate for their health needs. DH does not believe in doctors so I am the one who has to take them to the ER or the pediatrician when they are sick. One of our kids has a chronic health condition that he is not old enough yet to manage on his own. As soon as they are old enough to recognize they need care and call me to come get them - even if they're in his custody - I'm leaving.

OP - maybe you are some great guy who does everything at home. (They do exist.) But, whatever is keeping your wife so busy is absolutely contributing to your problem.

I...what? OP here. That’s really not my situation at all. I’m sorry for yours though; it sounds really tough.

[Anonymous]

I'd be very surprised if my spouse lost interest in sex. I'm very much a PTA Mom/Girl Next Door type but behind closed door I'm pretty game for anything as long as it doesn't involve a third person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

I'm not even married understand that somehow he needs it, so I just lay there.
I have no idea how his needs take priority.

Ew, no one likes a starfish.

Honestly your husband doesn't want pity sex. They don't want to force you or whine to you in order to get some. They want desire. Sex is an act of love for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced dad here. Our marriage didn't survive this, not because we divorced over this single issue, but because we drifted apart.

I think we were equally to blame, but I know share a lot of the blame and have had extensive therapy to learn and grow.

Of course I then had tons of sex when I was newly single and I was feeling great. But now that I'm older that is not as important to me and I think if we'd stuck it out we'd be happy as an older couple.

Thank you for this honest perspective. I am 44 and trying to navigate being married to a wonderful wife who has absolutely zero sex drive (at least for me). My drive is much less than it was in my 30s when I wanted it multiple times a day. But the idea of being celibate or practically celibate forever is tough to swallow. I don't think she would care if I found it elsewhere but it's a hard topic to broach.

[Anonymous]

Woman here.

Yes I could, as long as it was sexin general and not sex specifically with me. Lol

I.e. not because he was having an affair, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

Same. It’s kind of like a weekly chore I mentally check off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

Same. It’s kind of like a weekly chore I mentally check off.

DH here. I get the lack of desire for sex, but why the deprivation of all physical affection? As the OP wrote: “ She’s not mean or uncaring, but makes anything more than a peck on the lips or chaste hug feel like an imposition. Even casual physical affection (holding hands, playful grabbing, whatever) is pretty much gone. ”

Shouldn’t a DW hate herself for being so standoffish to her DH who loves her? (Assuming that they both want to stay married, and that one spouse hasn’t gone to seed.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

Same. It’s kind of like a weekly chore I mentally check off.

Sex is like going to the gym. I don’t like to go but once I’ve had a good workout I feel great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

Same. It’s kind of like a weekly chore I mentally check off.

DH here. I get the lack of desire for sex, but why the deprivation of all physical affection? As the OP wrote: “ She’s not mean or uncaring, but makes anything more than a peck on the lips or chaste hug feel like an imposition. Even casual physical affection (holding hands, playful grabbing, whatever) is pretty much gone. ”

Shouldn’t a DW hate herself for being so standoffish to her DH who loves her? (Assuming that they both want to stay married, and that one spouse hasn’t gone to seed.)

I'll explain why this happens with us. DH has never shown any physical affection except as a prelude to sex. So when he approaches with a kiss or a pat on the behind, I know that reciprocating means that he will expect sex to follow. If I don't want to raise false expectations, I have to be indifferent to the casual physical affection. I wish it were different, because I actually love to hold hands, cuddle, etc. But I learned a long time ago that I can't have that all by itself without being considered a tease.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

Same. It’s kind of like a weekly chore I mentally check off.

Sex is like going to the gym. I don’t like to go but once I’ve had a good workout I feel great.

It used to be like that for me ... I used to enjoy it once I got into it. But no longer. Having sex with DH is just a job. It might feel good, but *I* don't feel good. If that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

Same. It’s kind of like a weekly chore I mentally check off.

DH here. I get the lack of desire for sex, but why the deprivation of all physical affection? As the OP wrote: “ She’s not mean or uncaring, but makes anything more than a peck on the lips or chaste hug feel like an imposition. Even casual physical affection (holding hands, playful grabbing, whatever) is pretty much gone. ”

Shouldn’t a DW hate herself for being so standoffish to her DH who loves her? (Assuming that they both want to stay married, and that one spouse hasn’t gone to seed.)

Female desire is largely responsive and she isn't going to respond to you because you are familiar. It's not that she doesn't want to be playful but being playful might lead to you wanting to have sex which she doesn't want to have more than once per week to check the box. It's not you. Try not to take it personally.

Your options are 1) try to compromise on once a week sex and don't expect much from her on the weekly scheduled time; 2) be celibate which will be fine by her, or 3) cheat/divorce.

[Anonymous]

I'm around the same age as you, OP - 46, almost 47. Husband is the same. We have a pretty much sexless marriage. We are extremely affectionate, that said - just no sex.

My husband has some health problems and also put on about 100 pounds a few years ago. It killed all his desire. I still tried, sometimes, but after enough times of him not being interested I mostly gave up. (Tried again this past weekend, that said - nothing.)

I am 100%, 1000000% confident my husband is not having an affair. I love him very much and do not want to risk our relationship by having an affair myself. I just try to think of this as, he has a disability, and we have an otherwise happy marriage together. Like I said, very affectionate - very loving. Just, no sex.

We've been together about 11 years-ish. First couple of years, lots of sex. Less - but still often enough - for a couple of years after that. Every once in a while for a few years, then. Now it's been almost two years since any sex at all. I hate that, but I love him.

So I guess in my experience, you can survive a marriage like that if you are the one who isn't getting what you want and you are willing to live with it. I don't think it's fair to ask that of someone else, that said, and I think it is pretty selfish to ignore your partner's sexual wants and needs.

[Anonymous]

My husband has a conversation with me that sounded so much like this. I had to read comments because I was like Hmm. The difference is we DO have sex even if it’s 2-3 a month. So it’s not sexless. We have an age gap. I’m usually exhausted and he doesn’t try any foreplay. His idea of foredolay is just a finger. Zero romance or putting in time.

So my question to you-

Is it really sexless?
Are you romantic?
If she’s too tired to have an affair, what have you done to relieve her of it?

Without knowing full details, hard to say. Little kid years are tough. We were amazing before kids and I’m tired and ready to sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a conversation with me that sounded so much like this. I had to read comments because I was like Hmm. The difference is we DO have sex even if it’s 2-3 a month. So it’s not sexless. We have an age gap. I’m usually exhausted and he doesn’t try any foreplay. His idea of foredolay is just a finger. Zero romance or putting in time.

So my question to you-

Is it really sexless?
Are you romantic?
If she’s too tired to have an affair, what have you done to relieve her of it?

Without knowing full details, hard to say. Little kid years are tough. We were amazing before kids and I’m tired and ready to sleep.

PP DH here: I appreciate your honesty, but you sound like a DW who may go forward with your marriage and not initiate sex basically ever.