If your spouse lost all interest in sex, could you stay married?

[Anonymous]

Perennial topic, I know, but I need a place to vent.

This is gradually killing me. Over the last 5 years we’ve gone from occasional, to infrequent, to constant rejection when I get up the nerve to try. She’s not mean or uncaring, but makes anything more than a peck on the lips or chaste hug feel like an imposition. Even casual physical affection (holding hands, playful grabbing, whatever) is pretty much gone.

We’ve been together a long time. We used to have an active, enjoyable sex life, and not just in the first few honeymoon years, so this is hard. She’s not cheating - I say this only because she doesn’t have time - and I’m not interested in cheating (wouldn’t know where to start anyway). The one time I tried to have a conversation about this, she shrugged it off and said something that boiled down to “this is who I am now, we’re not kids anymore, deal with it.” I’m not sure I can.

I guess another attempt at discussing it is the next step. Then maybe suggest counseling. I don’t have high hopes for either.

WWYD?

[Anonymous]

No... Roll out

[Anonymous]

Your plan to discuss and then to try counseling is a good one. Whether or not a lack of sex is justification for divorce is variable and situation-dependent. But lack of willingness to talk to you and to value your needs and happiness is, in my opinion, always justification for divorce.

[Anonymous]

I am in the midst of this and will let you know. Two kids, ages 10 and 12, we are both healthy and attractive. Have gone over the years from a normal sex life to maybe 10 times last year to zero in last two months and 2x in last 6 months.

The frequency has been an issue since the kids were born but it has gradually gotten to the point where I don't really want to have sex with her because she doesn't want it, offers no suggestions to make it fun for her and is, at best, willing to do it but doesn't want it. First couple months have been fine but the reality of the situation hits me from time to time. For now, and especially during COVID-19 shut down I am fine with it, but long term it won't work and I will suggest counseling and then decide on divorce once kids get older.

[Anonymous]

Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your plan to discuss and then to try counseling is a good one. Whether or not a lack of sex is justification for divorce is variable and situation-dependent. But lack of willingness to talk to you and to value your needs and happiness is, in my opinion, always justification for divorce.

Agree with this. Lack of sex after all reasonable remedies have been attempted is justification if you ask me.

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No.

Pls., the attitude OP describes is a non-starter, blow-off.

[Anonymous]

Barring cancer or something, hell no.

[Anonymous]

This is my marriage. I don't love my husband and sometimes I don't respect him. Rather than cheat, I just don't have that part of me anymore. I don't know why he stays. I am ready to move on, but haven't had the will to discuss it. Actually, he kind of scares me as to how nasty he can be. I would prefer an amicable divorce, just not sure if that could even happen.

[Anonymous]

I think having a talk with her to let her know that this is a serious concern for you and that you should go to a marriage/sex counselor. I don’t think that she believes that this is that important to you and so the key is to make sure she knows this is important to you. If you are happy otherwise in your marriage, this means that she is willing to listen to you in general and so if she doesn’t, it’s a communication issue.

Also, this will require both of you to negotiate. I often hear men on here say that they want a solution but then any solution that’s proposed is then shot down (e.g. scheduling sex or not showing enthusiasm means they are not loved). Also, how strong are you as a person? Do you know that you are loved and are attractive or do you need sex to validate that sense of self?

Finally, kudos to you for not considering cheating as an option since that is what will be suggested on here. I applaud you for wanting to do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife here ... not sure how other wives get away with no having sex even though they don't want to. I don't want to, but I feel it is kind of a requirement of staying married.

I don’t want to either but I do like that I still have the ability to arouse my husband. I suppose what I enjoy is the power or control I have over him.

[Anonymous]

I would say, "I love you, I love having sex with you, if you have decided you don't want sex anymore, that makes me very sad. But I will accept it if I must. Meanwhile, you need to understand that I will have to pursue my sexual needs elsewhere".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

Pls., the attitude OP describes is a non-starter, blow-off.

OP does not have an attitude.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old are you and DW? Just curious.