Argument about my fiance's 12 year old daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The big issue here is that OP is freaking out about this. Hence that she is perceiving this as a threat to her position in fiancee's priorities. She can claim whatever she wants, this reaction signals jealousy. Like plain competition with his DD. Rather than approach it sensibly and really see it as what it is, some insecurity on parts of her fiance, his ex and future step daughter. That part is not ok at all. Child is not at fault for anything here. Yes, parents are not creating a good night time situation for their kid, there is no doubt of that. You need to realize that your fiance will most likely always choose his DD over you, his reaction to your freak out has been, well, to pacify you like he would his child. The fact that he does let her sleep with him(which should happen rarely, only if she is scared or sick) doesn't mean there is anything inappropriate at all in it. Your gut reaction is that there was, making you think it is somehow, somewhere in you mind, sexual. Give it a couple of days and you fiance will realize this too, and hopefully ditch you asap. You should break it up with him anyway, if you are not able to understand that he has a child, that this child needs attention, that some things will not be to your cup of tea, and that you are acting worse than his messed up ex and more insecure than his preteen DD, this is not a marriage for you and for him. Here is a simple way how married parents react to child climbing in their bed... "Honey ,come here, mom and dad are here for you." I acknowledge that both your fiance and his ex are creating insane codependency in their child. That is not healthy. However, your reaction in plain and simple jealousy, there is not doubt of that. You can try to sugarcoat it but it is what it is. You are jealous, probably sexually too. That is a messed up gut reaction to the situation.

You are disturbed and lacking appropriate boundaries.

[Anonymous]

You are disturbed and lacking appropriate boundaries.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is an existing family. You don’t get to come in and change it to matches your preferences without major consequences for all the relationships involved.

This. Get out now. I can go either way on whether the bed sharing is ok or not (lean towards not) but it doesn't matter what I think and, more important, it doesn't matter what you think. This is his child and he and his ex get to make these decisions. Being a stepparent is incredibly hard because of this dynamic - when asked you can offer your advice, but if you aren't asked you basically have to accept it. That is hard for a lot of people a d there's no shame in saying you're not cut out for that role.

As others have said, there are only 2 ways this plays out:

1. He promises to change, but doesn't actually and he sleeps in her bed even after you're married. You lay in bed alone feeling resentful.

2. He enforces the boundaries, and the 12 year old blames you. Your relationship with her sours, dad is put in the middle, and eventually he will choose his daughter.

I know your hoping for option #3, where he enforces boundaries, she says ok, cool, and everything is great, but based on the dynamic you're descibed that is not going to happen. Please don't get married just hoping this will work out. It won't. Only move forward if you can really accept that you will come second to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The big issue here is that OP is freaking out about this. Hence that she is perceiving this as a threat to her position in fiancee's priorities. She can claim whatever she wants, this reaction signals jealousy. Like plain competition with his DD. Rather than approach it sensibly and really see it as what it is, some insecurity on parts of her fiance, his ex and future step daughter. That part is not ok at all. Child is not at fault for anything here. Yes, parents are not creating a good night time situation for their kid, there is no doubt of that. You need to realize that your fiance will most likely always choose his DD over you, his reaction to your freak out has been, well, to pacify you like he would his child. The fact that he does let her sleep with him(which should happen rarely, only if she is scared or sick) doesn't mean there is anything inappropriate at all in it. Your gut reaction is that there was, making you think it is somehow, somewhere in you mind, sexual. Give it a couple of days and you fiance will realize this too, and hopefully ditch you asap. You should break it up with him anyway, if you are not able to understand that he has a child, that this child needs attention, that some things will not be to your cup of tea, and that you are acting worse than his messed up ex and more insecure than his preteen DD, this is not a marriage for you and for him. Here is a simple way how married parents react to child climbing in their bed... "Honey ,come here, mom and dad are here for you." I acknowledge that both your fiance and his ex are creating insane codependency in their child. That is not healthy. However, your reaction in plain and simple jealousy, there is not doubt of that. You can try to sugarcoat it but it is what it is. You are jealous, probably sexually too. That is a messed up gut reaction to the situation.

You are disturbed and lacking appropriate boundaries.

No, I am not. I am perfectly normal person who sees nothing wrong with occasional night that 11,12 year old sleeps in the same bed as the parents. All the time is not ok at all. OP is plain and simply not a parent, and you might think whatever you want of me, I am not wrong about OP. There is no way she is telling me she freaked out because she is worried about her future step daughter. If that is why she freaked out she would be calling CPS and ditching her fiance.

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy who did this with his 12 year old. While. Or I g sexual was going on, it’s still not culturally appropriate here in the US. I have even heard a teacher tell me that if she heard that from a student she would report it to the school
Social worker to see if more intervention is needed. OP this is a girl I. Lu edgy. She needs privacy and clear agency to determine boundaries between her body and other men including family members.

[Anonymous]

OP is going to be an evil stepmother, her fiancé should bail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my fiance and I are arguing over him sleeping in the same bed with his 12 year old daughter at night.

He thinks it's OK for her to sleep in his bed all night.

I am not OK with this.

Am I overreacting?

Why are you not ok with this? Not saying it is ok, that she sleeps with him every night. Is it every single night? Do you spend many nights with him at his house and sleep on the couch or is his DD sleeping with both of you then? It is getting on the older end of acceptable, that is for sure. Is he American? Do you think he is a predator? Does his DD have her own room, but shows up in his bed and since he is divorced he has no heart to tell her to go to her own room after a quick reassurance that everything is fine?

[Anonymous]

I don't really see the issue. We don't co-sleep as I cannot sleep with mine. They are fully clothed and nothing is going on. As long as she has her own room/bed, she'll get to the point where she is done. I would snuggle with my Dad at that age - nothing was going on.

[Anonymous]

Wait you just found all this out 20 min ago? How long have you been dating?

[Anonymous]

The big issue here is that OP is freaking out about this. Hence that she is perceiving this as a threat to her position in fiancee's priorities. She can claim whatever she wants, this reaction signals jealousy. Like plain competition with his DD. Rather than approach it sensibly and really see it as what it is, some insecurity on parts of her fiance, his ex and future step daughter. That part is not ok at all. Child is not at fault for anything here. Yes, parents are not creating a good night time situation for their kid, there is no doubt of that. You need to realize that your fiance will most likely always choose his DD over you, his reaction to your freak out has been, well, to pacify you like he would his child. The fact that he does let her sleep with him(which should happen rarely, only if she is scared or sick) doesn't mean there is anything inappropriate at all in it. Your gut reaction is that there was, making you think it is somehow, somewhere in you mind, sexual. Give it a couple of days and you fiance will realize this too, and hopefully ditch you asap. You should break it up with him anyway, if you are not able to understand that he has a child, that this child needs attention, that some things will not be to your cup of tea, and that you are acting worse than his messed up ex and more insecure than his preteen DD, this is not a marriage for you and for him. Here is a simple way how married parents react to child climbing in their bed... "Honey ,come here, mom and dad are here for you." I acknowledge that both your fiance and his ex are creating insane codependency in their child. That is not healthy. However, your reaction in plain and simple jealousy, there is not doubt of that. You can try to sugarcoat it but it is what it is. You are jealous, probably sexually too. That is a messed up gut reaction to the situation

I think this is generally right.

[Anonymous]

I agree, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a guy who did this with his 12 year old. While. Or I g sexual was going on, it’s still not culturally appropriate here in the US. I have even heard a teacher tell me that if she heard that from a student she would report it to the school
Social worker to see if more intervention is needed. OP this is a girl I. Lu edgy. She needs privacy and clear agency to determine boundaries between her body and other men including family members.

So how would you feel about her sleeping with her mother not “other men”?

[Anonymous]

I honestly hope OP fiance finds this post so he can drop her like a hot potato like yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a guy who did this with his 12 year old. While. Or I g sexual was going on, it’s still not culturally appropriate here in the US. I have even heard a teacher tell me that if she heard that from a student she would report it to the school
Social worker to see if more intervention is needed. OP this is a girl I. Lu edgy. She needs privacy and clear agency to determine boundaries between her body and other men including family members.

So how would you feel about her sleeping with her mother not “other men”?

Not pp , but the girl does sleep with her mother which is also inappropriate, but op is not engaged to the mother she’s engaged to the father and has every right to have expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly hope OP fiance finds this post so he can drop her like a hot potato like yesterday.

Why? What op is requesting is not at all reasonable. See a therapist and work on your first wife or stepchild issues and stop projecting.