Argument about my fiance's 12 year old daughter

[Anonymous]

You are way overreacting and overstepping.

It’s not necessarily ideal for anyone (including you) but it’s not inappropriate, wrong, or weird. It’s normal. The kid is probably going through a lot. After my mom died I slept in my dad’s bed until I was about 12. I was reeling from the loss and did not want to be alone. Yes he could have and probably should have have taught me coping skills to use in order to stay in my own bed but nothing gross was going on. I naturally and gradually stopped and it will probably go that way with them as well.

It would be useful for the girl to be in therapy to figure out what’s going on with this girl and give her coping skills.

[Anonymous]

OP, the real issue here is your inability to discuss this with him without freaking out. Yes, you are over reacting. America, where guns in the home and eating yourself to death = normal but a parent and child sharing a bed = deviant.

Personally, I think every person should learn to sleep alone without fear. It’s just an adaptive skill to have. But lashing out at your partner in anger over this is weird and unproductive. You guys should consider counseling before you get married.

I completely agree. Your inability to discuss this rationally is the bigger issue and you are overreacting.

I've got 3 kids, all 18 months apart in age, and they all had their own beds. Until the middle kid was 9, they all shared the same room by choice. When that middle kid was about 11 and had her own room, she went through a period where she was too scared to sleep alone. It wasn't enough that she had our little dog with her, she wanted someone to sleep with her. Sometimes it was her younger brother, sometimes it was her dad. When her grandmother came to visit, it was her. After about a year of CBT, she was able to sleep alone without fear.

I don't see anything inherently wrong with your fiance and his DD sharing a bed when she visits. This is obviously a family norm for them and you coming in, passing judgment and insisting things change doesn't bode well for your relationship with your fiance or his DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What is his plan for after you guys get married?

I would approach it from that standpoint. Does he want all three of you to sleep together when she’s at your house? Does he want you in the guest room? What is his plan?

Just curious.

He says that once we are married she will not sleep in the same bed as us and he will set better boundaries. He also said that he's willing to start tapering it back now in preparation for us to move in together.

You should be really happy with this answer. What more do you want from him. If you are still angry after having him agree to what you want, I worry about your relationship with him and your SD. He is the dad, and if you are going to be angry and controlling about how he parents, it won't go well for any of you.

[Anonymous]

Around 12/13 I saw a horror movie and had severe anxiety. I was terrified to sleep alone. I would have given anything for a loved, trusted adult to allow me to sleep next to them. If there are signs of inappropriate touch, I’d run from this guy. If he’s just being a living dad, I’d let it go for now. I would sleep next to my daughters, so automatically assuming dad shouldn’t is sexist. Now, I realize we also have to be vigilant against molestation....does your gut say he’s a milestone?

[Anonymous]

A bigger problem here is that the mom still shares bed with this kid every night. I'm sorry, but it's not normal. It's ok to have that option, but it's not ok to make it the norm. This girl will soon get her first period and still is capable of sleeping only with her parents?!
I think the dad is just competing with the mom in a way, to prove his love. His position is not easy. If mom stopped this damaging behavior, so would he.

[Anonymous]

Completely inappropriate, OP.

[Anonymous]

You are not wrong.
It’s inappropriate. Inappropriate here does not mean sexual abuse.

It means both your fiancé and her the girls mom are doing a a disservice to the girl by not allowing her to develop emotionally.

It’s further an issue because fiancé wants to use you as scapegoat for an issue he should have worked on years ago. Setting up a dynamic that will be harmful to your relationship with the girl.

This is not something you can fix. Be glad you found out now. You need to end it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Completely inappropriate, OP.

+ 1 and don’t let the “she’s just 12 and her parents are divorced “ crowd have you thinking otherwise. Ignore them as they have inappropriate relationship boundaries. Op this is just a symptom. No I don’t think your fiancé is abusing the girl. I think it speaks to a lack of appropriate boundaries that is not going to be easily resolved even if the girl sleeps in her own bed. Trust this is the tip of the iceberg. You really need to consider carefully if you want to continue this relationship. If you do go forward insist on premarital counseling for you and your fiancé and counseling with the 3 of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you think his relationship with his daughter is codependent then you need to end it.

Option 1) He doesn’t change and you spend the rest of your (likely short) marriage fighting with him and his daughter because you see her as a threat.

Option 2) He does what you ask but he and his daughter resent your for changing their dynamic. Daughter will likely act out more and more as she grows because she will see you as the thing keeping her from a relationship with her dad.

This is an existing family. You don’t get to come in and change it to matches your preferences without major consequences for all the relationships involved.

She’s marrying him. Things are changing just by that fact alone. Your list is evidence enough that this dynamic is not healthy for the child.

[Anonymous]

You need to move on. This is not the man for you.

[Anonymous]

If you marry him you will 100% end up divorced. Please take a step back and go to therapy to figure out your issues. There are so many things wrong in your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to move on. This is not the man for you.

This. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, him, the daughter, or the ex; but this situation isn’t right for you.

[Anonymous]

Temp. Solution. He spends time lying down in her bed until asleep, then slowly just reading etc. (We did it with preschoolers).

Longer term solution: hold off on marriage until you better understand the family dynamic and see if you are ok with it. You can participate but you mostly have to accept and if you're not ok with it then you need to move on.

Fwiw years ago I posted something similar, but it was part of a pattern of infantilization on DHs part that was not healthy and stemmed from guilt and anxiety. I was abke to work through some of it but being a stepparent is a long and complicated path that does not end when kids are 18. You have to be willing to be responsible without having much of a say.

[Anonymous]

Op you have to have better self esteem than this. I don’t care if you are 37 and in a rush to have kids you deserve more than a relationship like this. Get out these people are not worthy of your time and energy!

[Anonymous]

The big issue here is that OP is freaking out about this. Hence that she is perceiving this as a threat to her position in fiancee's priorities. She can claim whatever she wants, this reaction signals jealousy. Like plain competition with his DD. Rather than approach it sensibly and really see it as what it is, some insecurity on parts of her fiance, his ex and future step daughter. That part is not ok at all. Child is not at fault for anything here. Yes, parents are not creating a good night time situation for their kid, there is no doubt of that. You need to realize that your fiance will most likely always choose his DD over you, his reaction to your freak out has been, well, to pacify you like he would his child. The fact that he does let her sleep with him(which should happen rarely, only if she is scared or sick) doesn't mean there is anything inappropriate at all in it. Your gut reaction is that there was, making you think it is somehow, somewhere in you mind, sexual. Give it a couple of days and you fiance will realize this too, and hopefully ditch you asap. You should break it up with him anyway, if you are not able to understand that he has a child, that this child needs attention, that some things will not be to your cup of tea, and that you are acting worse than his messed up ex and more insecure than his preteen DD, this is not a marriage for you and for him. Here is a simple way how married parents react to child climbing in their bed... "Honey ,come here, mom and dad are here for you." I acknowledge that both your fiance and his ex are creating insane codependency in their child. That is not healthy. However, your reaction in plain and simple jealousy, there is not doubt of that. You can try to sugarcoat it but it is what it is. You are jealous, probably sexually too. That is a messed up gut reaction to the situation.