Reply to Argument about my fiance's 12 year old daughter

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

This is an existing family.  You don’t get to come in and change it to matches your preferences without major consequences for all the relationships involved.[/quote]

This. Get out now. I can go either way on whether the bed sharing is ok or not (lean towards not) but it doesn't matter what I think and, more important, it doesn't matter what you think. This is his child and he and his ex get to make these decisions. Being a stepparent is incredibly hard because of this dynamic - when asked you can offer your advice, but if you aren't asked you basically have to accept it. That is hard for a lot of people a d there's no shame in saying you're not cut out for that role.

As others have said, there are only 2 ways this plays out:

1. He promises to change, but doesn't actually and he sleeps in her bed even after you're married. You lay in bed alone feeling resentful.

2. He enforces the boundaries, and the 12 year old blames you. Your relationship with her sours, dad is put in the middle, and eventually he will choose his daughter.

I know your hoping for option #3, where he enforces boundaries, she says ok, cool, and everything is great, but based on the dynamic you're descibed that is not going to happen. Please don't get married just hoping this will work out. It won't. Only move forward if you can really accept that you will come second to him.[/quote]

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