Argument about my fiance's 12 year old daughter

[Anonymous]

Not a big deal. The kid has a lot going on in her life. Parents split up, dad has new girlfriend, she is about to go through puberty. Sleeping in the same bed as her parents probably gives her a feeling of security and stability. It is also what she has known all her life. Sleeping by herself would feel very unfamiliar and uncomfortable for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the issue. We don't co-sleep as I cannot sleep with mine. They are fully clothed and nothing is going on. As long as she has her own room/bed, she'll get to the point where she is done. I would snuggle with my Dad at that age - nothing was going on.

She is 12 it is time. And snuggles with dad are not the same as sharing the bed for the whole night and kicking the spouse out of bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a big deal. The kid has a lot going on in her life. Parents split up, dad has new girlfriend, she is about to go through puberty. Sleeping in the same bed as her parents probably gives her a feeling of security and stability. It is also what she has known all her life. Sleeping by herself would feel very unfamiliar and uncomfortable for her.

Part of a good parents job is to guide kids through difficult situations not coddle them and magically hope the underlying issue gets better. If you want kids op this is a red flag for you for how he parents you will be made the bad cop as you enforce limits and boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is going to be an evil stepmother, her fiancé should bail.

She’s going to be an evil stepmother because she does not want to share her bed with a child? You are unhinged.

[Anonymous]

To be honest, OP, if that's what it takes to grow a happy, undamaged kid out of a divorce, then it's been a SMALL price to pay. I don't see it as incestuous, since that's the word you're dancing round about, but then I've seen a lot more things than the average sheltered American.

The issue is where YOU come in. You have the right to ask that your step child not sleep where you sleep. You must also expect that said stepchild may resent you if she equates your coming with getting kicked out of her parent's bed.

So you must hatch a strategy with your fiance about glaming up her very own bedroom into something really incredible! Before you move in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is going to be an evil stepmother, her fiancé should bail.

She’s going to be an evil stepmother because she does not want to share her bed with a child? You are unhinged.

OP probably could have posted literally anything &, as long as she mentioned she is the STB stepmother, she would have gotten this response.

Some posters on this board seem to think all stepmothers are evil. Too many Disney movies I guess.

[Anonymous]

Sick father. Mother and daughter. All weirdos.

[Anonymous]

I think this is our famous troll.

[Anonymous]

OP, your reaction is completely appropriate, and the cosleeping at this age is weird. Mark my words, this is the tip of the iceberg. Give yourself an early Christmas present and RUN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think his relationship with his daughter is codependent then you need to end it.

Option 1) He doesn’t change and you spend the rest of your (likely short) marriage fighting with him and his daughter because you see her as a threat.

Option 2) He does what you ask but he and his daughter resent your for changing their dynamic. Daughter will likely act out more and more as she grows because she will see you as the thing keeping her from a relationship with her dad.

This is an existing family. You don’t get to come in and change it to matches your preferences without major consequences for all the relationships involved.

She’s marrying him. Things are changing just by that fact alone. Your list is evidence enough that this dynamic is not healthy for the child.

I never said that things can’t or won’t change. I said that OP’s preferences are not the ones that will or should drive that change. As a stepparent, her only power is what she demands harshly (damaging all the relationships involved), or what is openly given to her by dad and/or daughter. Since dad/daughter are happy with their dynamic, and OP is shocked and appalled and infuriated, it is not going to change naturally. She should move on.

[Anonymous]

Um, I have nightmares still 30+ years later of my dad’s hardon against my back/butt. I think there’s a difference between a dad sleeping and a mom sleeping with a child. Intent or not, voluntary or involuntary, men have ‘reactions’ that are not kept to themselves.
No, this is not cultural preference, this is anatomy.

[Anonymous]

You're disgusting and he should dump your ass ASAP and find someone who isn't a total loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're disgusting and he should dump your ass ASAP and find someone who isn't a total loser.

See s therapist .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think his relationship with his daughter is codependent then you need to end it.

Option 1) He doesn’t change and you spend the rest of your (likely short) marriage fighting with him and his daughter because you see her as a threat.

Option 2) He does what you ask but he and his daughter resent your for changing their dynamic. Daughter will likely act out more and more as she grows because she will see you as the thing keeping her from a relationship with her dad.

This is an existing family. You don’t get to come in and change it to matches your preferences without major consequences for all the relationships involved.

She’s marrying him. Things are changing just by that fact alone. Your list is evidence enough that this dynamic is not healthy for the child.

I never said that things can’t or won’t change. I said that OP’s preferences are not the ones that will or should drive that change. As a stepparent, her only power is what she demands harshly (damaging all the relationships involved), or what is openly given to her by dad and/or daughter. Since dad/daughter are happy with their dynamic, and OP is shocked and appalled and infuriated, it is not going to change naturally. She should move on.

She should move on this man is pathetic and she deserves better. But you are wrong that stepparents have no say in anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your reaction is completely appropriate, and the cosleeping at this age is weird. Mark my words, this is the tip of the iceberg. Give yourself an early Christmas present and RUN.

/end thread.