Argument about my fiance's 12 year old daughter

[Anonymous]

So my fiance and I are arguing over him sleeping in the same bed with his 12 year old daughter at night.

He thinks it's OK for her to sleep in his bed all night.

I am not OK with this.

Am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

Are they traveling? What are they wearing?

[Anonymous]

What’s your position, and what is his? What are the arguments?

At first thought, my reaction is inappropriate. But you have the bare minimum of context here, which would help in objective responses to your question.

[Anonymous]

My XH did this until DD turned 11. I called him out on it and he stopped. Where is the mom in all this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s your position, and what is his? What are the arguments?

At first thought, my reaction is inappropriate. But you have the bare minimum of context here, which would help in objective responses to your question.

+1

[Anonymous]

Need more info. Do the two of you or the the three of you share a home? If you are getting kicked out of your bed when SD is there, that's a relationship issue. If it's an issue of you telling him how to parent his child, I would tread lightly. If you think there's something wrong with the type of relationship he has with his daughter, he probably isn't the one for you.

I know families where bed sharing seems like a normal, if quirky, part of their family dynamic, and then other families where bed sharing seems to point to enmeshed, unhealthy dynamics. So I couldn't say it's a good or bad thing without knowing the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are they traveling? What are they wearing?

No they are not traveling. This is when his daughter is at his house. Daughter goes back and forth between mom and dad's.

He wears a t shirt and fleece pajama pants. His daughter wears a pajama set top and shorts or top and pants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my fiance and I are arguing over him sleeping in the same bed with his 12 year old daughter at night.

He thinks it's OK for her to sleep in his bed all night.

I am not OK with this.

Am I overreacting?

Absolutely you are. WTF is with Americans' weird hangups???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s your position, and what is his? What are the arguments?

At first thought, my reaction is inappropriate. But you have the bare minimum of context here, which would help in objective responses to your question.

His position is that he shouldn't have to follow societal norms and that she's scared to be alone.

My position is that he is a grown ass man and his daughter has her own room and bed to sleep in and that's shes not a baby anymore but a preteen. That he's doing a disservice to her with all this codependent shit they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My XH did this until DD turned 11. I called him out on it and he stopped. Where is the mom in all this?

The mom does not let the daughter sleep in her own bed. At mom's house the daughter sleeps in moms bed and they are inseparable. They lay in bed together for most of the day.

[Anonymous]

I agree. Time to cut that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Need more info. Do the two of you or the the three of you share a home? If you are getting kicked out of your bed when SD is there, that's a relationship issue. If it's an issue of you telling him how to parent his child, I would tread lightly. If you think there's something wrong with the type of relationship he has with his daughter, he probably isn't the one for you.

I know families where bed sharing seems like a normal, if quirky, part of their family dynamic, and then other families where bed sharing seems to point to enmeshed, unhealthy dynamics. So I couldn't say it's a good or bad thing without knowing the family.

We do not share a home currently but will obviously do so once married.

Him and his exDW and daughter all slept in the same bed when they lived together.

[Anonymous]

If you think his relationship with his daughter is codependent then you need to end it.

Option 1) He doesn’t change and you spend the rest of your (likely short) marriage fighting with him and his daughter because you see her as a threat.

Option 2) He does what you ask but he and his daughter resent your for changing their dynamic. Daughter will likely act out more and more as she grows because she will see you as the thing keeping her from a relationship with her dad.

This is an existing family. You don’t get to come in and change it to matches your preferences without major consequences for all the relationships involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your position, and what is his? What are the arguments?

At first thought, my reaction is inappropriate. But you have the bare minimum of context here, which would help in objective responses to your question.

His position is that he shouldn't have to follow societal norms and that she's scared to be alone.

My position is that he is a grown ass man and his daughter has her own room and bed to sleep in and that's shes not a baby anymore but a preteen. That he's doing a disservice to her with all this codependent shit they do.

I would take a step back from your relationship with him. Whether he’s right or you’re right, this is the reality of their relationship, and going into a marriage with him with this huge of a chasm between his views and your views on how it is will be a recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My XH did this until DD turned 11. I called him out on it and he stopped. Where is the mom in all this?

The mom does not let the daughter sleep in her own bed. At mom's house the daughter sleeps in moms bed and they are inseparable. They lay in bed together for most of the day.

Unhealthy dynamic with both parents then.

OP, if you can’t save the DD, you at least need to save yourself. These people will be in Dr. Phil soon and you will look equally sick. Don’t be an enabler by sticking around. When you leave, call CPS or the school guidance counselor to report your concerns about both parents.