stopping a potential affair by getting to know the other woman-- does it work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter. I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate. They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations. They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.

This is so extreme. Just read what you wrote. You really believe someone who has an affair really doesn’t care about their children? Life is complicated and sometimes people are unhappy and they stray. Or they are flawed and cheat when their marriage is great. Or they are foolish. Etc. You need to gain some perspective.

New poster here. The previous poster is correct. A cheater does not care about any of those things when they are in the throes of a new relationship. My husband cheated with our neighbor, who was a pretty good friend of mine. Her husband was a very good friend of his. We all have kids, and when the affair was discovered everything blew up in their faces. The reputations were ruined in our neighborhood, friends were lost, and divorces are being considered. The kids' lives will be turned upside down.

Nope. Disagree. I think the cheater cares very much or he/she wouldn't try to hide it. They don't think they are going to get caught. They might have a warped sense of what they need/deserve but for the most part I think cheaters care or they'd just flaunt it.

the cheater doesn’t hide the affair because he cares about the people the affair may hurt. The cheater hides the affair because he wants to avoid the consequences to him of being found out. He doesn’t care if the spouse is unhappy, but he does care if the spouse wants to divorce. He doesn’t care if the kids are unhappy, but he does care if people no longer think he is a good dad. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too, and if he is honest, he wouldn’t be able to do that.

[Anonymous]

People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate

This is reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My question is why you have jumped to the conclusion that you have. It seems like she is just an attractive co-worker. Why don’t you trust your husband? Focus on that. Work on your relationship. Otherwise you’ll spend the rest of your marriage in this weird position of strategizing to fend off female threats.

Him having a picture of a coworker and himself in his phone is a HUGE red flag. He's either already cheated or is planning his move to cheat with her.

He should get a new job.

[Anonymous]

OP if he was having drink with the other people in attendance that would be ok. Was he with her alone? That would be inappropriate imo. I'm assuming there are red flags for you to post this. I would nip it right away. Forget getting to know her, your husband is suppose to be committed to you period. Maybe just tell him how you feel, stating you don't want your marriage to end because of a poor choice. Then maybe check on him without him knowing if you still have doubts. How about going on the next trip??? One of my friends is president of a soccer league, her husband goes on many of the trips especially when they went to Alaska, Boston, and Hawaii.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My question is why you have jumped to the conclusion that you have. It seems like she is just an attractive co-worker. Why don’t you trust your husband? Focus on that. Work on your relationship. Otherwise you’ll spend the rest of your marriage in this weird position of strategizing to fend off female threats.

Him having a picture of a coworker and himself in his phone is a HUGE red flag. He's either already cheated or is planning his move to cheat with her.

He should get a new job.

I have to say not too many want photos of co-workers. Yes she needs to be proactive.

[Anonymous]

The problem is that these precursors to affairs are seen as completely harmless by the spouse involved. You are seen as over-thinking, making something out of nothing, and made to feel bad because you are “ruining” an innocent friendship.

The involved spouse cannot see that this could ever possibly turn into more, it’s preposterous! But it does, it creates connection, enjoyment, and it’s new and fun. Emotional attachments are made and one thing leads to another. Either emotional affair or also physical. The cheater swears it was absolutely nothing they saw coming and it “just happened.”

They and the other spouse need to ground and refocus on themselves; but the involved spouse needs to recognize that this is a poor path and make the decision to slow cut off the texting, etc.

[Anonymous]

There is no excuse. He knows whats right and wrong. If he cheats she needs to realize she married the wrong guy. Many marry bad people because they hide it well. I would want to know why her photo is on his phone. Time to have a heart to heart, make it clear how she feels.

I mean why is a married man in a bar with another woman having drinks? I doubt that was part of his job.

[Anonymous]

Cheaters are selfish....I was one. If I could do things over, I would never have done it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Work on yourself and your marriage instead of trying to prance around like a peacock in front of this woman. You’re thinking about this all wrong. What’s with this “so she sees I’m a real woman who doesn’t want to lose her husband?” She owes you nothing. You should be talking to your husband—you know, the one who would be actually making the choice to cheat—about the weaknesses in your marriage and how (if) they can be fixed. Cheating isn’t okay, but invariably it’s because something in the marriage is lacking. THAT should be your concern.

OR cheater just wants his cake and to eat it too. Plenty of cheaters have happy marriages. Affairs happen because something in THEM is lacking. Usually boundaries and self esteem, to name a few.

No cheaters are cheaters. The victim overlooked and married the wrong person. What that is really about.

Scumbags cheat.

[Anonymous]

Your husband doesn’t know you are a real person? Why is it on her??

[Anonymous]

About 4 yrs ago, an attractive female coworker and I got too close. It never became physical - we decided the risk of blowing up our lives wasn't worth it. The mutual attraction is still there, but we know spending time together isn't healthy, so we don't. DW is pretty intuitive, so I gradually avoided mentioning CW's name at home, fearing she would detect the attraction somehow in my voice or how I described our interactions. Recently we were getting rid of some old furniture on Craig's List and I got a response from someone with the same unusual first name as CW. The thought of CW and her husband showing up at our house, and going through the introductions to our spouses in our living room freaked me out. I don't think it would have been a good experience for the spouses either. DW could tell CW was someone who had become special to me - it sounds like OP has some clues too. Luckily, it was a coincidence, but I doubt OP's proposal of gettng to know the OW as a preventative measure is going to have the outcome she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It won’t matter if you meet. I knew DH’s AP well...we worked together previously. I’d let it go and work on solidifying the marriage...dates, trips away, spice up the sex life and when he travels...let him know what you miss and what you want when he returns

This. All of this. I was a DH who ended up having an affair with a colleague and when we traveled together would have probably thought twice about what I was doing had I heard from DW that I was missed at home. Horrible choice and nearly ended a marriage. IMHO it is one person who decides to cheat but there are always factors and temptations that can be reduced if the spouse does certain things and makes the other feel loved, appreciated, sexy, wanted, etc. Goes for both sexes.

[Anonymous]

Not in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter. I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate. They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations. They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.

This is so extreme. Just read what you wrote. You really believe someone who has an affair really doesn’t care about their children? Life is complicated and sometimes people are unhappy and they stray. Or they are flawed and cheat when their marriage is great. Or they are foolish. Etc. You need to gain some perspective.

I agree with PP. There's a hole in the soul of cheaters that no spouse can ever fill. Cheating on your spouse is sticking it to your children. It just is. Dress it up however you want.

As Dr. Phil said, "many people tell me they would die for their children. But will you LIVE for them?" Will you make the hard choices and sacrifices that are in THEIR best interest? For a cheater, the answer is NO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tried to get to know the potential OW. It didnt work. I think she threw herself harder at him b.c I am objectively more beautiful.

And I was in great shape, and we had sex two/three times a week....which always includes oral when you are with me.

He cheated anyway b.c of the ego boost it gave him. And cheaters love the thrill of being "naughty."

Yep, this.