stopping a potential affair by getting to know the other woman-- does it work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter. I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate. They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations. They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.

This is so extreme. Just read what you wrote. You really believe someone who has an affair really doesn’t care about their children? Life is complicated and sometimes people are unhappy and they stray. Or they are flawed and cheat when their marriage is great. Or they are foolish. Etc. You need to gain some perspective.

New poster here. The previous poster is correct. A cheater does not care about any of those things when they are in the throes of a new relationship. My husband cheated with our neighbor, who was a pretty good friend of mine. Her husband was a very good friend of his. We all have kids, and when the affair was discovered everything blew up in their faces. The reputations were ruined in our neighborhood, friends were lost, and divorces are being considered. The kids' lives will be turned upside down.

Nope. Disagree. I think the cheater cares very much or he/she wouldn't try to hide it. They don't think they are going to get caught. They might have a warped sense of what they need/deserve but for the most part I think cheaters care or they'd just flaunt it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter. I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate. They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations. They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.

This is so extreme. Just read what you wrote. You really believe someone who has an affair really doesn’t care about their children? Life is complicated and sometimes people are unhappy and they stray. Or they are flawed and cheat when their marriage is great. Or they are foolish. Etc. You need to gain some perspective.

I agree with PP’s boldest statement. The essence of cheating is caring more about yourself and your own needs than those of the people around you. That alone makes you a bad parent - your inability to put the needs of the child above your own. People who cheat have a number of pathological flaws - they are more interested in the appearance or fantasy of relationships than reality, unable to negotiate conflict openly and explicitly, willing to lie repeatedly, willing to break promises, impulsive, unable to properly gauge consequences, have low self-esteem or are narcissistic, etc. It is foolish to believe that these flaws are somehow related only to the affair and/or affect only the spouse. And the break up of a marriage due to cheating always has a negative impact on the kids.

Yes, life is complicated. People are unhappy. But the vast majority of us are able to negotiate that without cheating.

OP, people who cheat - both the cheater spouse and the AP — are broken. Do not imagine that they will respond rationally to an explicit or implicit reminder not to hurt others. That is like trying to have a rational conversation with an irrational person.

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself - exercise, dress well, take care of your appearance, engage in outside activities, focus on a strong work life and network, make sure you know where all the money is.

So you’re saying many people have these personality disorders you listed since so many people cheat?

You can tell yourself all day long that your spouse was flawed, narcissistic, broken etc but in reality they may have just not loved you or didn’t want to be with you. That’s it. Like so many women you want to complicate men when they are very simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter. I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate. They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations. They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.

This is so extreme. Just read what you wrote. You really believe someone who has an affair really doesn’t care about their children? Life is complicated and sometimes people are unhappy and they stray. Or they are flawed and cheat when their marriage is great. Or they are foolish. Etc. You need to gain some perspective.

I agree with PP’s boldest statement. The essence of cheating is caring more about yourself and your own needs than those of the people around you. That alone makes you a bad parent - your inability to put the needs of the child above your own. People who cheat have a number of pathological flaws - they are more interested in the appearance or fantasy of relationships than reality, unable to negotiate conflict openly and explicitly, willing to lie repeatedly, willing to break promises, impulsive, unable to properly gauge consequences, have low self-esteem or are narcissistic, etc. It is foolish to believe that these flaws are somehow related only to the affair and/or affect only the spouse. And the break up of a marriage due to cheating always has a negative impact on the kids.

Yes, life is complicated. People are unhappy. But the vast majority of us are able to negotiate that without cheating.

OP, people who cheat - both the cheater spouse and the AP — are broken. Do not imagine that they will respond rationally to an explicit or implicit reminder not to hurt others. That is like trying to have a rational conversation with an irrational person.

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself - exercise, dress well, take care of your appearance, engage in outside activities, focus on a strong work life and network, make sure you know where all the money is.

Everyone is flawed. All of us. Which is why so many people cheat. Sex is a powerful thing. But you’re convinced there are all of these fancy psychological reasons when really your spouse just wanted to have good sex. It’s very simple!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you had a very solid marriage you wouldn't worry about this. There was a point in our marriage when my DH was around 45 and he was working with a lot of 30-35 year old women who were very attractive. In fact one day I took our three young kids to visit Dad at his office - I was dressed like a mom - and I was a bit shaken by all of the attractive young women working there. So I upped my game a bit without selling out. We already had a good relationship but you can't take a relationship for granted. That was 15 years ago and we are very happy.

+1 It's too easy to drift into mom mode and forget that we are also wives and GFs. A little bit of effort can go a long way in keeping the fire burning.

[Anonymous]

What about striking up a friendship with a good looking man? I think that would get your husband's attention pretty quick.

[Anonymous]

Fix your marriage. If your marriage is fulfilling, there is no desire to cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work on yourself and your marriage instead of trying to prance around like a peacock in front of this woman. You’re thinking about this all wrong. What’s with this “so she sees I’m a real woman who doesn’t want to lose her husband?” She owes you nothing. You should be talking to your husband—you know, the one who would be actually making the choice to cheat—about the weaknesses in your marriage and how (if) they can be fixed. Cheating isn’t okay, but invariably it’s because something in the marriage is lacking. THAT should be your concern.

+1

You're trying to prevent the other woman from cheating, but not your husband? He has no agency in this?

Also, inviting them over is not going to work well, unless you are a master of dissembling. You see this woman as a threat--why would you expect to get all buddy-buddy with her?

[Anonymous]

My question is why you have jumped to the conclusion that you have. It seems like she is just an attractive co-worker. Why don’t you trust your husband? Focus on that. Work on your relationship. Otherwise you’ll spend the rest of your marriage in this weird position of strategizing to fend off female threats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter. I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate. They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations. They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.

This is so extreme. Just read what you wrote. You really believe someone who has an affair really doesn’t care about their children? Life is complicated and sometimes people are unhappy and they stray. Or they are flawed and cheat when their marriage is great. Or they are foolish. Etc. You need to gain some perspective.

I agree with PP’s boldest statement. The essence of cheating is caring more about yourself and your own needs than those of the people around you. That alone makes you a bad parent - your inability to put the needs of the child above your own. People who cheat have a number of pathological flaws - they are more interested in the appearance or fantasy of relationships than reality, unable to negotiate conflict openly and explicitly, willing to lie repeatedly, willing to break promises, impulsive, unable to properly gauge consequences, have low self-esteem or are narcissistic, etc. It is foolish to believe that these flaws are somehow related only to the affair and/or affect only the spouse. And the break up of a marriage due to cheating always has a negative impact on the kids.

Yes, life is complicated. People are unhappy. But the vast majority of us are able to negotiate that without cheating.

OP, people who cheat - both the cheater spouse and the AP — are broken. Do not imagine that they will respond rationally to an explicit or implicit reminder not to hurt others. That is like trying to have a rational conversation with an irrational person.

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself - exercise, dress well, take care of your appearance, engage in outside activities, focus on a strong work life and network, make sure you know where all the money is.

So you’re saying many people have these personality disorders you listed since so many people cheat?

You can tell yourself all day long that your spouse was flawed, narcissistic, broken etc but in reality they may have just not loved you or didn’t want to be with you. That’s it. Like so many women you want to complicate men when they are very simple.

HE asked me to live together. HE asked me to move with him for a job (I said no and he chose to stay with me instead of taking the job.) HE proposed (when I wasn’t even thinking marriage about our relationship). HE begged me to stay when I confronted him about the cheating. HE continued to try to resurrect the relationship for 2 years after I kicked him out. And the whole time - before, during and after - he continued to say he loved me and that our relationship was the most valuable thing to him.

It’s true, maybe he didn’t love me. And I’ll never really know one way or an other. But a guy who does that - professes love and cheats, repeatedly - is one messed up, pathological dude.

So grateful to be out of that, for all of our sake, kids included.

[Anonymous]

It won’t matter. I’m sorry your intuition is so strong about this

[Anonymous]

I was a spouse who cheated and TBH there's not much my H could've done once I got it in my head that I was going to do it. The mental gymnastics I went though in order to justify my actions are now truly mind-boggling. I rewrote history in my head to make what I was doing "okay." I didn't think much of xAP's wife at all (I didn't know her)...she was a non-entity to me. I was selfish, self-centered, and horrible.

Some things, looking back, that may have helped before I walked that path: connecting more with my H. Neither of us were making much an effort at that time. We didn't do romantic things or even have sex regularly (and this was on both of us). It made a crack into a chasm. Also when I was upset or hurt about something, I turned away from my husband instead of toward him. I thought, he won't understand, he won't be bothered, all excuses to prevent me from connecting with him, being vulnerable. Maybe if he had more aggressively tried to connect with me, I would've reciprocated, and not gone down the path I did. My selfish mind was so messed up I can't tell you if it truly would've helped but it's worth a try.

FWIW, my H and I are still together, nine years after d-day. A lot of work was done, especially on my part (obviously). We now make sure to carve out time for connecting regularly, even if it's sitting on the couch talking for 10 minutes after a long day. I think prioritizing our connection has really helped our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter. I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate. They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations. They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.

This is so extreme. Just read what you wrote. You really believe someone who has an affair really doesn’t care about their children? Life is complicated and sometimes people are unhappy and they stray. Or they are flawed and cheat when their marriage is great. Or they are foolish. Etc. You need to gain some perspective.

New poster here. The previous poster is correct. A cheater does not care about any of those things when they are in the throes of a new relationship. My husband cheated with our neighbor, who was a pretty good friend of mine. Her husband was a very good friend of his. We all have kids, and when the affair was discovered everything blew up in their faces. The reputations were ruined in our neighborhood, friends were lost, and divorces are being considered. The kids' lives will be turned upside down.

Could not agree more. My ExDH had an affair and he went from an involved father to an absent one when he was in the throes of lust with his AP. Our kids were really hurt by it. And the lies hurt EVERYONE in both families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a spouse who cheated and TBH there's not much my H could've done once I got it in my head that I was going to do it. The mental gymnastics I went though in order to justify my actions are now truly mind-boggling. I rewrote history in my head to make what I was doing "okay." I didn't think much of xAP's wife at all (I didn't know her)...she was a non-entity to me. I was selfish, self-centered, and horrible.

Some things, looking back, that may have helped before I walked that path: connecting more with my H. Neither of us were making much an effort at that time. We didn't do romantic things or even have sex regularly (and this was on both of us). It made a crack into a chasm. Also when I was upset or hurt about something, I turned away from my husband instead of toward him. I thought, he won't understand, he won't be bothered, all excuses to prevent me from connecting with him, being vulnerable. Maybe if he had more aggressively tried to connect with me, I would've reciprocated, and not gone down the path I did. My selfish mind was so messed up I can't tell you if it truly would've helped but it's worth a try.

FWIW, my H and I are still together, nine years after d-day. A lot of work was done, especially on my part (obviously). We now make sure to carve out time for connecting regularly, even if it's sitting on the couch talking for 10 minutes after a long day. I think prioritizing our connection has really helped our marriage.

OP, take heed from this post. Up your game and work on your marriage. He picked you for a reason when you met.

[Anonymous]

If he cheats on you, you should f@ck his best friend or brother and get proof of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter. I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate. They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations. They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.

This is so extreme. Just read what you wrote. You really believe someone who has an affair really doesn’t care about their children? Life is complicated and sometimes people are unhappy and they stray. Or they are flawed and cheat when their marriage is great. Or they are foolish. Etc. You need to gain some perspective.

New poster here. The previous poster is correct. A cheater does not care about any of those things when they are in the throes of a new relationship. My husband cheated with our neighbor, who was a pretty good friend of mine. Her husband was a very good friend of his. We all have kids, and when the affair was discovered everything blew up in their faces. The reputations were ruined in our neighborhood, friends were lost, and divorces are being considered. The kids' lives will be turned upside down.

Could not agree more. My ExDH had an affair and he went from an involved father to an absent one when he was in the throes of lust with his AP. Our kids were really hurt by it. And the lies hurt EVERYONE in both families.

I also agree. My ex was so infatuated with the other guy that she completely ignored our daughter. I guess the adrenaline and lust had the same effects drugs have on addicts. All she cared about was the other guy. I tried bringing up our daughter in order to talk some sense into her. She told me she wasn't worried about her because she knew I was a good father and would make sure she was taken care of. Some people are that extreme.