stopping a potential affair by getting to know the other woman-- does it work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter. I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate. They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations. They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.

This is so extreme. Just read what you wrote. You really believe someone who has an affair really doesn’t care about their children? Life is complicated and sometimes people are unhappy and they stray. Or they are flawed and cheat when their marriage is great. Or they are foolish. Etc. You need to gain some perspective.

New poster here. The previous poster is correct. A cheater does not care about any of those things when they are in the throes of a new relationship. My husband cheated with our neighbor, who was a pretty good friend of mine. Her husband was a very good friend of his. We all have kids, and when the affair was discovered everything blew up in their faces. The reputations were ruined in our neighborhood, friends were lost, and divorces are being considered. The kids' lives will be turned upside down.

Nope. Disagree. I think the cheater cares very much or he/she wouldn't try to hide it. They don't think they are going to get caught. They might have a warped sense of what they need/deserve but for the most part I think cheaters care or they'd just flaunt it.

I disagree. Cheaters hide what they are doing because they don't want to accept the personal negative consequences of their behavior. They know that they are risking their marriage, home, kids, finances, etc. but they *hope* they can get away with it. It's almost comically childish. Almost always, when people lie, it's because they don't want to get in trouble/are trying to avoid a negative consequence. To THEMSELVES.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fix your marriage. If your marriage is fulfilling, there is no desire to cheat.

Ha ha hahaha! No.

Someone upthread quoted the philosopher Chris Rock.
Another enlightening thing he said is that a man is only as his options.
Think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he cheats on you, you should f@ck his best friend or brother and get proof of it.

Be pro-active, not reactive.
Do this now, just keep the evidence in your back pocket just in case.
Then, if you ever need it -- BLAM! there it is. More effective this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter. I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate. They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations. They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.

This is so extreme. Just read what you wrote. You really believe someone who has an affair really doesn’t care about their children? Life is complicated and sometimes people are unhappy and they stray. Or they are flawed and cheat when their marriage is great. Or they are foolish. Etc. You need to gain some perspective.

New poster here. The previous poster is correct. A cheater does not care about any of those things when they are in the throes of a new relationship. My husband cheated with our neighbor, who was a pretty good friend of mine. Her husband was a very good friend of his. We all have kids, and when the affair was discovered everything blew up in their faces. The reputations were ruined in our neighborhood, friends were lost, and divorces are being considered. The kids' lives will be turned upside down.

Nope. Disagree. I think the cheater cares very much or he/she wouldn't try to hide it. They don't think they are going to get caught. They might have a warped sense of what they need/deserve but for the most part I think cheaters care or they'd just flaunt it.

I disagree. Cheaters hide what they are doing because they don't want to accept the personal negative consequences of their behavior. They know that they are risking their marriage, home, kids, finances, etc. but they *hope* they can get away with it. It's almost comically childish. Almost always, when people lie, it's because they don't want to get in trouble/are trying to avoid a negative consequence. To THEMSELVES.

This - “comically childish” struck me as so accurate.

Lying to avoid negative consequences is a developmentally normal thing thru early to mid-elementary or a bit later. When my own kids were little, I had to catch them lying and make it clear that the punishment/consequence was extra-bad because they lied. As a result, by the time high school rolled around, my kids admitted when they messed up and avoided messing up in some situations because they knew there would be consequences.

My cheating now-Ex learned to lie in his family of origin - lying was a way of life and a form of self-preservation growing up with an alcoholic, mentally ill mother. Since I’m not his mother or father, it’s not my job to teach him how to be honest, accurately weigh predicted consequences and manage actual consequences. He can do that on his own with a therapist if he chooses.

There’s a lot of pathology under infidelity. Those who dismiss it as “just sex” are missing many layers of human behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he cheats on you, you should f@ck his best friend or brother and get proof of it.

Be pro-active, not reactive.
Do this now, just keep the evidence in your back pocket just in case.
Then, if you ever need it -- BLAM! there it is. More effective this way.

Ah...revenge! A man will never get over the hurt from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he cheats on you, you should f@ck his best friend or brother and get proof of it.

Be pro-active, not reactive.
Do this now, just keep the evidence in your back pocket just in case.
Then, if you ever need it -- BLAM! there it is. More effective this way.

Ah...revenge! A man will never get over the hurt from that.

Never. Especially if you tell him the other man is bigger!

[Anonymous]

If the situation were reversed, maybe a man would reconsider screwing around with another man's wife. Homewrecker women however, are another breed all together. They will do just about anything to "win." Truly a disgusting kind of person, who could care less about her AP's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the situation were reversed, maybe a man would reconsider screwing around with another man's wife. Homewrecker women however, are another breed all together. They will do just about anything to "win." Truly a disgusting kind of person, who could care less about her AP's family.

Weird how you give the benefit of the doubt to men but not women. Anyone who cheats on their spouse is trash. Anyone who knowingly gets involved with a married person is also trash. That goes double when there are kids involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter. I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate. They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations. They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.

This is so extreme. Just read what you wrote. You really believe someone who has an affair really doesn’t care about their children? Life is complicated and sometimes people are unhappy and they stray. Or they are flawed and cheat when their marriage is great. Or they are foolish. Etc. You need to gain some perspective.

I agree with PP. There's a hole in the soul of cheaters that no spouse can ever fill. Cheating on your spouse is sticking it to your children. It just is. Dress it up however you want.

As Dr. Phil said, "many people tell me they would die for their children. But will you LIVE for them?" Will you make the hard choices and sacrifices that are in THEIR best interest? For a cheater, the answer is NO.

Excellent post. Yes they backstab the poor kids as well. I'm amazed that so many parents think so little of the kids they chose to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he cheats on you, you should f@ck his best friend or brother and get proof of it.

Be pro-active, not reactive.
Do this now, just keep the evidence in your back pocket just in case.
Then, if you ever need it -- BLAM! there it is. More effective this way.

Ah...revenge! A man will never get over the hurt from that.

You do realize it's not revenge if you do it first, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he cheats on you, you should f@ck his best friend or brother and get proof of it.

Be pro-active, not reactive.
Do this now, just keep the evidence in your back pocket just in case.
Then, if you ever need it -- BLAM! there it is. More effective this way.

Ah...revenge! A man will never get over the hurt from that.

Never. Especially if you tell him the other man is bigger!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he cheats on you, you should f@ck his best friend or brother and get proof of it.

Be pro-active, not reactive.
Do this now, just keep the evidence in your back pocket just in case.
Then, if you ever need it -- BLAM! there it is. More effective this way.

Ah...revenge! A man will never get over the hurt from that.

You do realize it's not revenge if you do it first, right?

Actually, op stated her husband is a flirt. I call that justification, especially with the knowledge dh has a picture with potential (probable) other woman on his phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he cheats on you, you should f@ck his best friend or brother and get proof of it.

Be pro-active, not reactive.
Do this now, just keep the evidence in your back pocket just in case.
Then, if you ever need it -- BLAM! there it is. More effective this way.

Ah...revenge! A man will never get over the hurt from that.

You do realize it's not revenge if you do it first, right?

You know the saying, " a woman knows...."? There seems to be agreement from the commentors on this thread that something has happened or is about to happen between op's dh and this coworker. The picture on the phone is proof things have crossed the line between professional and inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the situation were reversed, maybe a man would reconsider screwing around with another man's wife. Homewrecker women however, are another breed all together. They will do just about anything to "win." Truly a disgusting kind of person, who could care less about her AP's family.

Weird how you give the benefit of the doubt to men but not women. Anyone who cheats on their spouse is trash. Anyone who knowingly gets involved with a married person is also trash. That goes double when there are kids involved.

Right? OP is worried her husband will cheat, but all the focus is on the potential other woman, not on her husband. Newsflash: the other woman never promised to be faithful to you. Your husband did. If he cheats, it's because he is a grown man who decided to cheat, not because some "homewrecker" made him do it. He has the same amount of agency.

[Anonymous]

Your marriage is already in trouble if you're thinking about this. Why did you marry a flirt? Who knows if the other woman even likes your husband.