stopping a potential affair by getting to know the other woman-- does it work?

[Anonymous]

DH has a female colleague who joined the staff a few months ago. He works closely with her and they've taken a handful of trips together (with a few others on staff). When they first met he talked about her quite a bit. They apparently have a lot in common- enjoy the same sports, restaurants, went to college in the same town, things like that. I suggested that we get together with her and her husband. We were on the verge of planning something but travel schedules got in the way.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I was looking over his shoulder while he was scrolling through photos on his phone and I came upon a picture of the two of them sitting together with drinks in a hotel lobby. She's very pretty, I must say. They looked chummy and I let him know what I thought of the photo. He brushed it off and said the picture was just a one-off after a long day.

I'm starting to wonder if DH has feelings for this woman. We've been married for 20 years, she's been married for 10. If he does have feelings for her, and if she has feelings for him, I'm wondering if it would indeed be helpful for us to all finally meet. I can meet her and she will understand that I am a real person who doesn't want to lose her husband, and he can meet her husband and see he is a real person as well. In fact, we may all end up becoming good friends.

For those who have dealt with a similar situation, does this work when it comes to stopping an affair from moving forward? I know DH is a flirt. He knows he's a flirt. I know I can't stop him from doing anything and he's certainly not going to stop working with her. And I'm not the kind of wife who would demand he find a new job, either. My instincts just tell me something could be up but I'd like him-- and if necessary-- her, to rein it in.

[Anonymous]

Fine, but do NOT cut the bitch.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like a good plan, however I happen to know that some people find the extra thrill of being in close proximity to the affair partner while also being with your spouse can just be an added fun dimension to the risky thrill of an affair.

[Anonymous]

tried this and it failed miserably

[Anonymous]

Doesn't matter. I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate. They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations. They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.

[Anonymous]

It won’t matter if you meet. I knew DH’s AP well...we worked together previously. I’d let it go and work on solidifying the marriage...dates, trips away, spice up the sex life and when he travels...let him know what you miss and what you want when he returns

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tried this and it failed miserably

Op sounds like Dolly Parton singing "Jolene". If people want to mess around, nothing will stop them. You can't c@ck block around the clock, day after day. Get your finances in order if cheating is a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Work on yourself and your marriage instead of trying to prance around like a peacock in front of this woman. You’re thinking about this all wrong. What’s with this “so she sees I’m a real woman who doesn’t want to lose her husband?” She owes you nothing. You should be talking to your husband—you know, the one who would be actually making the choice to cheat—about the weaknesses in your marriage and how (if) they can be fixed. Cheating isn’t okay, but invariably it’s because something in the marriage is lacking. THAT should be your concern.

[Anonymous]

I agree, don't bother getting to know her. If they really are headed toward an affair it doesn't matter. Work on you and your relationship with your husband. Take a sexy weekend away. Talk with him (not art him). Do a little preemptive counseling.

[Anonymous]

PS i was the other woman ... Knew the wife. It didn't matter.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe they will invite you to join them in a threesome.

[Anonymous]

No, my husband's ex cheated with his best friend and they destroyed 2 marriages/5 kids. They knew each other very well. If he wants to cheat, he will and you cannot stop it. The question is if he is cheating, what will your choice be.

[Anonymous]

If you had a very solid marriage you wouldn't worry about this. There was a point in our marriage when my DH was around 45 and he was working with a lot of 30-35 year old women who were very attractive. In fact one day I took our three young kids to visit Dad at his office - I was dressed like a mom - and I was a bit shaken by all of the attractive young women working there. So I upped my game a bit without selling out. We already had a good relationship but you can't take a relationship for granted. That was 15 years ago and we are very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tried this and it failed miserably

+1,000,000. We became good friends and the affair happened anyway. Double betrayal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work on yourself and your marriage instead of trying to prance around like a peacock in front of this woman. You’re thinking about this all wrong. What’s with this “so she sees I’m a real woman who doesn’t want to lose her husband?” She owes you nothing. You should be talking to your husband—you know, the one who would be actually making the choice to cheat—about the weaknesses in your marriage and how (if) they can be fixed. Cheating isn’t okay, but invariably it’s because something in the marriage is lacking. THAT should be your concern.

OR cheater just wants his cake and to eat it too. Plenty of cheaters have happy marriages. Affairs happen because something in THEM is lacking. Usually boundaries and self esteem, to name a few.