stopping a potential affair by getting to know the other woman-- does it work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you had a very solid marriage you wouldn't worry about this. There was a point in our marriage when my DH was around 45 and he was working with a lot of 30-35 year old women who were very attractive. In fact one day I took our three young kids to visit Dad at his office - I was dressed like a mom - and I was a bit shaken by all of the attractive young women working there. So I upped my game a bit without selling out. We already had a good relationship but you can't take a relationship for granted. That was 15 years ago and we are very happy.

This is good advice. Up your game. Pretend you are trying to attract an AP and act accordingly. Don’t be too desperate. Work on yourself so you exude confidence and sexiness. Lose weight if you need to. Update your wardrobe. Don’t fixate on your fears about new woman. You’ll come across as insecure and needy which will have the opposite effect. Blow his mind (and elsewhere :wink in bed nightly. He’ll be too drained to give it away elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

It can work, it depends on what type of people you are dealing with. If you are dealing with a decent woman who is only mindlessly flirting with your husband, having met you may help prevent a slide into something more. But if she and your husband are hellbent on having an affair, a meeting won’t help to prevent anything.

[Anonymous]

It won't make a difference. If they want to do it, they will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter. I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate. They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations. They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.

This is so extreme. Just read what you wrote. You really believe someone who has an affair really doesn’t care about their children? Life is complicated and sometimes people are unhappy and they stray. Or they are flawed and cheat when their marriage is great. Or they are foolish. Etc. You need to gain some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter. I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate. They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations. They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.

This is so extreme. Just read what you wrote. You really believe someone who has an affair really doesn’t care about their children? Life is complicated and sometimes people are unhappy and they stray. Or they are flawed and cheat when their marriage is great. Or they are foolish. Etc. You need to gain some perspective.

New poster here. The previous poster is correct. A cheater does not care about any of those things when they are in the throes of a new relationship. My husband cheated with our neighbor, who was a pretty good friend of mine. Her husband was a very good friend of his. We all have kids, and when the affair was discovered everything blew up in their faces. The reputations were ruined in our neighborhood, friends were lost, and divorces are being considered. The kids' lives will be turned upside down.

[Anonymous]

A guy might regard a woman as off-limits if he knows her husband.

A woman will never regard any other woman's man as off-limits.

[Anonymous]

I tried to get to know the potential OW. It didnt work. I think she threw herself harder at him b.c I am objectively more beautiful.

And I was in great shape, and we had sex two/three times a week....which always includes oral when you are with me.

He cheated anyway b.c of the ego boost it gave him. And cheaters love the thrill of being "naughty."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A guy might regard a woman as off-limits if he knows her husband.

A woman will never regard any other woman's man as off-limits.

This is 100% true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A guy might regard a woman as off-limits if he knows her husband.

A woman will never regard any other woman's man as off-limits.

This is 100% true.

+1000000

[Anonymous]

I personally think that if two people will cheat, then they will cheat regardless of anything else.

I think you should be focusing now on your husband and how much you really trust him.
Because if you do, then whether or not he will cheat on you would not even be an issue.

But if you find that your trust in him is lacking - then it really is about more than this new colleague at work.

[Anonymous]

My husband cheated with 2 of my good friends. So no, knowing the potential AP does not stop the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Work on yourself and your marriage instead of trying to prance around like a peacock in front of this woman. You’re thinking about this all wrong. What’s with this “so she sees I’m a real woman who doesn’t want to lose her husband?” She owes you nothing. You should be talking to your husband—you know, the one who would be actually making the choice to cheat—about the weaknesses in your marriage and how (if) they can be fixed. Cheating isn’t okay, but invariably it’s because something in the marriage is lacking. THAT should be your concern.

OR cheater just wants his cake and to eat it too. Plenty of cheaters have happy marriages. Affairs happen because something in THEM is lacking. Usually boundaries and self esteem, to name a few.

Precisely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter. I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate. They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations. They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.

This is so extreme. Just read what you wrote. You really believe someone who has an affair really doesn’t care about their children? Life is complicated and sometimes people are unhappy and they stray. Or they are flawed and cheat when their marriage is great. Or they are foolish. Etc. You need to gain some perspective.

New poster here. The previous poster is correct. A cheater does not care about any of those things when they are in the throes of a new relationship. My husband cheated with our neighbor, who was a pretty good friend of mine. Her husband was a very good friend of his. We all have kids, and when the affair was discovered everything blew up in their faces. The reputations were ruined in our neighborhood, friends were lost, and divorces are being considered. The kids' lives will be turned upside down.

Parents who are so selfish to abandon their children like that are the worst.

[Anonymous]

Man here.

It's been my experience that some women don't care. I've had a number of women see it as a thrill and/or insurance that an affair would stay quiet. My ex and I worked for the same company. I never cheated, but the women who made an offer definitely knew her. A few of them were on her team. Chris Rock once said something along the lines of "Men want a woman like your woman. Women don't want a man LIKE your man. They want YOUR man."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter. I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate. They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations. They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.

This is so extreme. Just read what you wrote. You really believe someone who has an affair really doesn’t care about their children? Life is complicated and sometimes people are unhappy and they stray. Or they are flawed and cheat when their marriage is great. Or they are foolish. Etc. You need to gain some perspective.

I agree with PP’s boldest statement. The essence of cheating is caring more about yourself and your own needs than those of the people around you. That alone makes you a bad parent - your inability to put the needs of the child above your own. People who cheat have a number of pathological flaws - they are more interested in the appearance or fantasy of relationships than reality, unable to negotiate conflict openly and explicitly, willing to lie repeatedly, willing to break promises, impulsive, unable to properly gauge consequences, have low self-esteem or are narcissistic, etc. It is foolish to believe that these flaws are somehow related only to the affair and/or affect only the spouse. And the break up of a marriage due to cheating always has a negative impact on the kids.

Yes, life is complicated. People are unhappy. But the vast majority of us are able to negotiate that without cheating.

OP, people who cheat - both the cheater spouse and the AP — are broken. Do not imagine that they will respond rationally to an explicit or implicit reminder not to hurt others. That is like trying to have a rational conversation with an irrational person.

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself - exercise, dress well, take care of your appearance, engage in outside activities, focus on a strong work life and network, make sure you know where all the money is.