stopping a potential affair by getting to know the other woman-- does it work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I told DH before we married that any infidelity would not be tolerated and I would divorce — no questions asked.
You bet I would tell the kids, once they were old enough. I’m not hiding anyone’s bad behavior.

NP. Sorry you married a man you have to threaten into being faithful.

Seriously. This isn’t even a thought with my husband. Why would you even feel compelled to say this in the first place? And why do you need to bully someone into being true?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If the situation were reversed, maybe a man would reconsider screwing around with another man's wife. Homewrecker women however, are another breed all together. They will do just about anything to "win." Truly a disgusting kind of person, who could care less about her AP's family.

Weird how you give the benefit of the doubt to men but not women. Anyone who cheats on their spouse is trash. Anyone who knowingly gets involved with a married person is also trash. That goes double when there are kids involved.

Right? OP is worried her husband will cheat, but all the focus is on the potential other woman, not on her husband. Newsflash: the other woman never promised to be faithful to you. Your husband did. If he cheats, it's because he is a grown man who decided to cheat, not because some "homewrecker" made him do it. He has the same amount of agency.

NP - As a woman who gave birth to my own children, I could NEVER imagine doing something as stupid as having an affair to jeopardize their well-being. So I agree that women (especially those who are married with their own children) who seek out men who have wives and children are a special kind of awful. I'm not saying men aren't just as disgusting for cheating. Maybe I should post in the controversial relationship beliefs thread

I am not sure how having an affair jeopardizes children. Children shouldn’t have knowledge of their parents’ sex lives regardless of being happily or unhappily married or cheating. If there is cheating, the marriage is already bad and likely going to end in divorce anyway, I do not think cheating alone causes a divorce. And how the parents handle a divorce is what jeopardizes children’s well being. And they should never know all the factors that led to a divorce.

Hello, cheater!

Cheaters lie.
Cheaters take money away from the family.
And time.
And emotional energy.
They expose the faithful partner to the possibility of disease.

Your actions dont exist in a bubble and there are consequences to the children.

[Anonymous]

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I am not sure how having an affair jeopardizes children. Children shouldn’t have knowledge of their parents’ sex lives regardless of being happily or unhappily married or cheating. If there is cheating, the marriage is already bad and likely going to end in divorce anyway, I do not think cheating alone causes a divorce. And how the parents handle a divorce is what jeopardizes children’s well being. And they should never know all the factors that led to a divorce.

There is no prerequisite for a marriage to be bad in order for cheating to occur. If you believe this, you are horribly mistaken. There is never, ever, ever an excuse or justification for cheating. Really.... try me. Every single excuse you come up with will be destroyed by the comeback "end the marrriage first." Sure... maybe you don't want to because it's hard, expensive, inconvenient, etc. but that is all about YOU. And cheaters are extremely selfish immoral people who only care about THEMSELVES.

Children are hurt the moment a parent makes the decision to cheat, not the moment they are told. Replace your logic with any other immoral act. It doesn't hold up. "Children shouldn't have knowledge of their parents drug use. If there is drug use, the marriage was already bad and going to end in divorce anyway. "

Children need to know that actions have consequences. Daddy didn't just disappear because he went on a long vacation. Daddy disappeared because he went to jail for dealing drugs. Mommy didn't leave because sometimes mommies just do that for no apparent reason. Mommy left because she decided she loved her boss more than Daddy and wanted to go live with him. People used to help hide child molesters, spousal abusers, child abusers, etc. because nice people don't talk about that stuff. It's private, no one else's business.

Nope. Get that shit out in the open so we can all see you for who you are. If you are too ashamed of your actions for your kids to know about them, do some soul searching before you open your legs to married men.

+1

+1,000,000. Only a cheater would convince themselves that children aren't affected by affairs.

Not a cheater. I do not think kids should be affected by affairs because 1) I do not believe kids should ever know about affairs, even in the case of divorce and 2) I do not think infidelity alone should cause a divorce. If adults tell their kids, they are actively hurting their kids. An actual affair does not. Kids do not need to know anything about sex. That is separate from parenting. I would not divorce over a man cheating but would over other things. Either way, if it happened, I would never ever tell my kids anything negative about their dad. I would never harm their relationship no matter what.

I told DH before we married that any infidelity would not be tolerated and I would divorce — no questions asked.
You bet I would tell the kids, once they were old enough. I’m not hiding anyone’s bad behavior.

What should I do if I'm mid 40s with two kids but my wife admits she hates sex. It happens twice a month. She just lays there. Missionary only. No tongues when kissing. Barely tolerates oral on her (which is only for me because I love doing it), and only gives to me every few months. No cuddling. Any attempts at other physical touch, such as massage or kissing at bedtime, have to include a promise that I won't ask for sex after. I do more than my share around the house, provide so she can be a SAHM, am fit and attractive, sweet and supporting. 20 years of rejection takes its toll. Who's the one with bad behavior?

How old are your kids? I don't say this lightly, but I think you talk to a therapist, talk to your wife, and divorce if she won't change. Or you live with it. Tell her you want an open marriage; maybe she'll be relieved. I have had women friends say that to me (I wouldn't want that but....)