DH not pulling his weight

[Anonymous]

OP here--your life sounds like my life. However, my husband expects me to keep track of everyone's birthdays and anniversaries on his side of the family. I did it last year, but buying gift cards for his twelve nephews/nieces was exhausting. He also wanted me to get cards for his mother and father's birthdays, anniversaries, and to cover mother/father's day. He claims he always forgets. This year, I bought a generic packs of Birthday cards from Home Goods in advance, gave it to him, and told him my job is done.

Unfortunately, we have to commute together as we live 60 miles out from DC....sigh! I will leave his a** behind this week guaranteed and grab a kid with me...he can drive the other one. I did it once already and he twiddled around the house for 30 more minutes and called me asking if I packed the bottles. They were literally next to DS sleeping in his car seat on the kitchen island.

OP, do you have a system in place to make sure your DH never forgets your infant in his carseat? I.E., placing his man bag or lunch or whatever in the backseat next to the car seat?

It happens sadly, and your DH sounds distracted and disorganized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you are still enabling--if you buy the cards, you are enabling. If you leave one kid behind you are enabling him to get to work in the HOV lane. Stop enabling. Just stop doing. You dont have to make a big deal out of it, or make a huge point, just stop doing. If he's not ready and up in the morning, dont get him up, or help him out. Leave with the kids when you need to leave. You are not responsible for him--you have enough on your plate.

+1 slow clap ? to this advice

The only thing that will work with the kids and daycare is for him to have set responsibilities that you don’t micromanage and you can’t bail him out. You have to drive separately at least a few days a week and you bring the kids in and he handles the pickup and dinner for them those days or vice versa. I am not a morning person and am extremely forgetful but I was forced to figure it out with kids - setting 3 alarms and making list of what I needed to remember and getting the kids to follow a morning checklist when they were old enough. If my extremely organized DH had been driving in me with every morning (and we worked 15 min away albeit with different hours) I would never have felt the pressure to step up. Knowing how babies/toddlers were depending on me and I couldn’t call DH at work because I forgot something and I had to get to work on time to stay employed, forced me to pull it together.

Oh, and extremely organized DH does not buy cards/gifts for my family. Again, he didn’t make a big deal about it. He sends Christmas cards and will sometimes help out with having the kids pick out a card for my mom or dad for Mother’s/Father’s day. He knows, I will take the heat from my mom and either I’m motivated by that and accept the natural consequences of my inaction or there is honestly nothing he would be able to say that would provide better motivation.

With the cleaning service, I am somewhat paranoid about giving someone a key and it being around so I get that. If we had a cleaning service I would try to schedule it for when I would be around or take a half day each month and let that be cleaning day for the service to come. Maybe do that the weekend before he drills so you start off with a clean house. And yes, I would have a yard service and find out who your neighbors use and if they are happy. I’m sure your DH will still complain but at least you have a gauge if the lawn service is actually doing a good job and they may be more vested if they have several customers in the neighborhood and know you called them on referral of your neighbor.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if your husband is exhausted by the daily grind? Job. Chores. Kids. Bills. Cooking. Cleaning. He's tired. He's dropping the ball everywhere because he's tired. He's letting you do most of the work because he can't do more than he's already doing.

Don't tell him you're hiring a housekeeper: Just do it. If he complains, tell him either he does the work, or he shuts up about it. Tell him it's not fair that you're forced to do more than your fair share, and he has no say about it. Not negotiable.

I'm not sure I would trust him with the kids based on what you've written. He sounds like an accident waiting to happen. Have him get the kids ready in the mornings, and you go in your own car to drop them off. He can drive himself to his job. How do you put up with returning home several times a week? That's ridiculous.

I would stop counting on him based on what you've written. You do what you need to do to keep things running, and stop trying to be a team with this man-baby. He sounds hopeless.

I would keep the pets. They're the sunshine in our lives.

[Anonymous]

You need to start running your life without his permission.

Give him fair warning: “I am leaving with the kids at 7:45 am. I hope you are ready. If not, I am sure you can find a way to work.”

Then you don’t remind him about the alarm, you don’t help him find his badge, you just so YOUR job of getting the kids ready and then you leave at the designated time as you said you would.

“I am not okay with spending every weekend cleaning the house. Either you clean the following things this weekend while I watch the kids or we will have a cleaning aervice next weekend while you are gone.” Then you DO NOT CLEAN. And you book someone to clean if he has not done it.

“I deserve time every weekend to relax. I have hired a sitter for Saturday from 1-6 and I will be out of the house then.”

[Anonymous]

Know that what you think is important, may not be what he thinks is important. As soon as you mentioned greeting cards, I became suspicious. And cleaning is relative. I'm guessing some things he's not doing to your satisfaction because he really doesn't agree that they need doing, not to the degree you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:can you change your work hours (or pretend to) for a while? Or instead of divvying up the chores as you have (sort of), decide that you do mornings==kids animals drop off and he does evenings---pick up, animals and dinner, and you split bedtimes? If he's not up and ready by the time you have to leave, you just leave in the mornings and he figures it out. In the evenings, go work out or go out at night until he's done the pick up and dinner--at least for a while.



honestly OP, my life was like yours whenthe kids were little, i felt desperate. I made chore lists, I got promises, etc but very little changed. I have to say it gets much better when the kids are older and need less attention/are more independent and are less exhausting. But I also made changes--I insisted on a house cleaner and despite DH insisting he didn't want anyone to do landscaping/it was a waste of money, after 2 years of no trimming, mulching or weeding, I hired landscapers (who had a *major* clean up job). I also hired an afterschool sitter who does some housekeeping (laundry, tidying, will prep dinner for the kids). I dont ask anymore, I just do. I still do most of the cooking or at least meal shopping, all the finances (everything, the bills, investments, credit cards, taxes, health insurance reimbursements), all the travel plans/bday parties/ school/camp/doctor/lessons, all the shopping for everything we ever need (but I amazon it) all the car repair and allthe house repair--I do what I can myself, and outsource the rest. I've unsnaked drains and fixed showerheads and resealed tubs, but I have also not hesitated to call in someone. I do send DH on errands a lot--he is happy to get out of the house and get something, but I have to make the list. I also equalize it a little by taking off more time for me on the weekends when he has to entertain or drive the kids, and i've lowered standards--I dont do PTA, I dont cook up a storm, I dont keep a particularly neat house, I dont send bday wishes to his parents for him, etc. I dont get mad (most of the time) but I am also just blunt. Example: after working from home the whole day (and going to the gym) he'd wait until 6:30 when I was home and ask "What's for dinner" and I'd answer "I have no idea. Do you have a plan?" so now he occasionally will think of dinner or if he hasn't, he will scramble through the frig to figure something out if its clear that I'm not in the cooking mood. Even better, I will say, can you make dinner tomorrow?

On the plus side, he is supportive in other ways and he is a good dad and spends quality time with the kids and i've made my peace, but I've come to realize that I dont really need him to run the household. I can do both. Its both disappointing and liberating.

OP here--your life sounds like my life. However, my husband expects me to keep track of everyone's birthdays and anniversaries on his side of the family. I did it last year, but buying gift cards for his twelve nephews/nieces was exhausting. He also wanted me to get cards for his mother and father's birthdays, anniversaries, and to cover mother/father's day. He claims he always forgets. This year, I bought a generic packs of Birthday cards from Home Goods in advance, gave it to him, and told him my job is done.

Unfortunately, we have to commute together as we live 60 miles out from DC....sigh! I will leave his a** behind this week guaranteed and grab a kid with me...he can drive the other one. I did it once already and he twiddled around the house for 30 more minutes and called me asking if I packed the bottles. They were literally next to DS sleeping in his car seat on the kitchen island.

You live 60 miles out of DC and commute in every day with two kids and then return home 60 miles??
That is insanity - do you not realize that? Your DH is tired for a reason & your kids probably are too. How long are you going to keep that up?
Why can’t you move closer? Or get jobs closer to home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to figure out what's wrong with my DH and how I can encourage him to do his fair share. I am at a point, where I am seriously considering a divorce.

We have two under two and both of us work full time. Kids are in excellent daycare in DC near our work. We commute together to DC almost every day, unless there is a logistical issue and then we split up the kids and take two cars for HOV purposes. I get kids prepped for daycare (dressed, bottles, diapers, and etc.) every morning or the night before and DH just needs to carry them out to the car and put them in their car seats. I usually get up first and get myself ready while kids are still sleeping and then get the kids ready. DH takes care of coffee, breakfast, and feeds our animals. Half of the time, I need to get DH out of bed (he oversleeps) and we're constantly running late in the morning. I ask him to set his alarm and he does and just hits the snooze button and falls back asleep.

If DH travels for work, we get out of the house at a decent hour and I manage to drop the kids off at two different daycares and get myself to work on time. I skip breakfast, but take care of the animals. I repeatedly ask DH to get ready the night before, so we can get out of the house quickly without him looking for his badges, wallet, and phone. Often, he leaves it behind and we have to drive back because he forgets something at the house. It happens to everyone, but with him it happens at least twice or tree times a week.

When we get home, I take care of the kids and he takes care of the animals. Bedtime is split with him putting one kid to bed and me taking care of the other. I try to cook a meal at least twice a week and we have take out once a week. All the cleaning after dinner is left to me and DH fails to even clean his plate off the table and put it in the dishwasher. I used to clean up after him and now I just let it sit there.....sometimes he does not touch it until the next day.

Our weekends look like this. Most of the childcare falls back on me. I also clean the house, do laundry (mine and kids), pay bills, and try to prep a meal or two to cover Mondays/Tuesdays. I usually do not have time to meet friends and maybe can squeeze one dinner date/hh date with a friend once a month. DH has reserve duty once or twice a month (usually over a weekend) and tries to meet a friend(s) for dinner at least once a week. Basically, I am single parenting all the time. Date nights are non-existent with DH saying he does not want to pay for babysitter or that no one wants to babysit two under two. We have no family nearby, so we can't ask anyone. I am so exhausted, I barely function and drop into bed as soon as kids are asleep. Sex life is non-existent....due to me having HUUGE resentment issues. I'd rather get a good night of sleep than entertain DH's advances.

I have tried everything.....I asked nicely (I wish you would do more of this).....I demanded (you need to do this by this date)....I yelled (just F****ing do it ok).... for him to pull his weight and make our relationship more like a partnership and not a medieval coexistence. Nothing works on this guy, he just bickers and makes excuses why it could not be done.

I basically said that I am turning off sex until he pulls his weight and he tried to complain it WAS NOT FAIR.....

You lost me at 500 words.

Trying to write a novel?

[Anonymous]

You are not “single parenting all the time.” You’re married to an immature person and you’ve received some great advice here, but you’re not even close to single parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:can you change your work hours (or pretend to) for a while? Or instead of divvying up the chores as you have (sort of), decide that you do mornings==kids animals drop off and he does evenings---pick up, animals and dinner, and you split bedtimes? If he's not up and ready by the time you have to leave, you just leave in the mornings and he figures it out. In the evenings, go work out or go out at night until he's done the pick up and dinner--at least for a while.



honestly OP, my life was like yours whenthe kids were little, i felt desperate. I made chore lists, I got promises, etc but very little changed. I have to say it gets much better when the kids are older and need less attention/are more independent and are less exhausting. But I also made changes--I insisted on a house cleaner and despite DH insisting he didn't want anyone to do landscaping/it was a waste of money, after 2 years of no trimming, mulching or weeding, I hired landscapers (who had a *major* clean up job). I also hired an afterschool sitter who does some housekeeping (laundry, tidying, will prep dinner for the kids). I dont ask anymore, I just do. I still do most of the cooking or at least meal shopping, all the finances (everything, the bills, investments, credit cards, taxes, health insurance reimbursements), all the travel plans/bday parties/ school/camp/doctor/lessons, all the shopping for everything we ever need (but I amazon it) all the car repair and allthe house repair--I do what I can myself, and outsource the rest. I've unsnaked drains and fixed showerheads and resealed tubs, but I have also not hesitated to call in someone. I do send DH on errands a lot--he is happy to get out of the house and get something, but I have to make the list. I also equalize it a little by taking off more time for me on the weekends when he has to entertain or drive the kids, and i've lowered standards--I dont do PTA, I dont cook up a storm, I dont keep a particularly neat house, I dont send bday wishes to his parents for him, etc. I dont get mad (most of the time) but I am also just blunt. Example: after working from home the whole day (and going to the gym) he'd wait until 6:30 when I was home and ask "What's for dinner" and I'd answer "I have no idea. Do you have a plan?" so now he occasionally will think of dinner or if he hasn't, he will scramble through the frig to figure something out if its clear that I'm not in the cooking mood. Even better, I will say, can you make dinner tomorrow?

On the plus side, he is supportive in other ways and he is a good dad and spends quality time with the kids and i've made my peace, but I've come to realize that I dont really need him to run the household. I can do both. Its both disappointing and liberating.

OP here--your life sounds like my life. However, my husband expects me to keep track of everyone's birthdays and anniversaries on his side of the family. I did it last year, but buying gift cards for his twelve nephews/nieces was exhausting. He also wanted me to get cards for his mother and father's birthdays, anniversaries, and to cover mother/father's day. He claims he always forgets. This year, I bought a generic packs of Birthday cards from Home Goods in advance, gave it to him, and told him my job is done.

Unfortunately, we have to commute together as we live 60 miles out from DC....sigh! I will leave his a** behind this week guaranteed and grab a kid with me...he can drive the other one. I did it once already and he twiddled around the house for 30 more minutes and called me asking if I packed the bottles. They were literally next to DS sleeping in his car seat on the kitchen island.

You live 60 miles out of DC and commute in every day with two kids and then return home 60 miles??
That is insanity - do you not realize that? Your DH is tired for a reason & your kids probably are too. How long are you going to keep that up?
Why can’t you move closer? Or get jobs closer to home?

You don’t need to ‘hire a housekeeper’ you need to hire live in help to clean, cook, babysit and run your home life ( all of your chores and errands). Pretty soon your kids will have preschool and then activities and parent teacher conferences and orthodontist appointments. You won’t be able to keep up thus pace for very long without significan’t outside help.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't even sound that bad. It just sounds like you are micromanaging a lot.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, women carry the lions share of work in MOST households. Men that truly pull their weight are rare unicorns. So you will have to figure out how to carve out some things or just hire help.

[Anonymous]

I'm another person who thinks there's more going on here than just your DH not pulling his share. The arrangement you describe sounds about par for the course for many marriages in the DC area. Both parents are working downtown, 2 kids in daycare, long commutes. Both parents are at the ends of the rope. One parent ends up doing more than the other. But as you describe, it doesn't sound like an insanely one-sided situation. Both of you sound really busy and tired. It's not like he's sitting around watching football all the time while you're vacuuming. He's running around too. It's just that some people have more capacity than others for really, really running into the ground. I also think your weekends sound weird - that you spend the whole time with babies in arms while you vacuum, and he's doing what exactly?

In any event, it sounds like your dynamic is much more a symptom of your larger marital issues - that you're doubling down on doing all this stuff and being mad at him and refusing sex, and he's doubling down on being mad at you and not not doing stuff and being mad about sex. Sounds like a pretty typical marriage about to fall apart, and less about him not pulling his weight. Btw, i think you outright refusing sex as effectively a punishment is just as bad as him outright refusing to do stuff around the house. You're both just playing mean.

Either get counseling, or get divorced. But this isn't about him not pulling his weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm another person who thinks there's more going on here than just your DH not pulling his share. The arrangement you describe sounds about par for the course for many marriages in the DC area. Both parents are working downtown, 2 kids in daycare, long commutes. Both parents are at the ends of the rope. One parent ends up doing more than the other. But as you describe, it doesn't sound like an insanely one-sided situation. Both of you sound really busy and tired. It's not like he's sitting around watching football all the time while you're vacuuming. He's running around too. It's just that some people have more capacity than others for really, really running into the ground. I also think your weekends sound weird - that you spend the whole time with babies in arms while you vacuum, and he's doing what exactly?

In any event, it sounds like your dynamic is much more a symptom of your larger marital issues - that you're doubling down on doing all this stuff and being mad at him and refusing sex, and he's doubling down on being mad at you and not not doing stuff and being mad about sex. Sounds like a pretty typical marriage about to fall apart, and less about him not pulling his weight. Btw, i think you outright refusing sex as effectively a punishment is just as bad as him outright refusing to do stuff around the house. You're both just playing mean.

Either get counseling, or get divorced. But this isn't about him not pulling his weight.

This.
And this whole setup just sounds awful in every way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here--your life sounds like my life. However, my husband expects me to keep track of everyone's birthdays and anniversaries on his side of the family. I did it last year, but buying gift cards for his twelve nephews/nieces was exhausting. He also wanted me to get cards for his mother and father's birthdays, anniversaries, and to cover mother/father's day. He claims he always forgets. This year, I bought a generic packs of Birthday cards from Home Goods in advance, gave it to him, and told him my job is done.

Unfortunately, we have to commute together as we live 60 miles out from DC....sigh! I will leave his a** behind this week guaranteed and grab a kid with me...he can drive the other one. I did it once already and he twiddled around the house for 30 more minutes and called me asking if I packed the bottles. They were literally next to DS sleeping in his car seat on the kitchen island.

OP, do you have a system in place to make sure your DH never forgets your infant in his carseat? I.E., placing his man bag or lunch or whatever in the backseat next to the car seat?

It happens sadly, and your DH sounds distracted and disorganized.

OP--He has not left a kid behind yet. He was late for a pick up a few times with one of the kids and I have a system in place where I get to daycare first and we wait in the lobby for the husband to show up with the other kid. The kids are in two different daycares due to waitlist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm another person who thinks there's more going on here than just your DH not pulling his share. The arrangement you describe sounds about par for the course for many marriages in the DC area. Both parents are working downtown, 2 kids in daycare, long commutes. Both parents are at the ends of the rope. One parent ends up doing more than the other. But as you describe, it doesn't sound like an insanely one-sided situation. Both of you sound really busy and tired. It's not like he's sitting around watching football all the time while you're vacuuming. He's running around too. It's just that some people have more capacity than others for really, really running into the ground. I also think your weekends sound weird - that you spend the whole time with babies in arms while you vacuum, and he's doing what exactly?

In any event, it sounds like your dynamic is much more a symptom of your larger marital issues - that you're doubling down on doing all this stuff and being mad at him and refusing sex, and he's doubling down on being mad at you and not not doing stuff and being mad about sex. Sounds like a pretty typical marriage about to fall apart, and less about him not pulling his weight. Btw, i think you outright refusing sex as effectively a punishment is just as bad as him outright refusing to do stuff around the house. You're both just playing mean.

Either get counseling, or get divorced. But this isn't about him not pulling his weight.

This.