DH not pulling his weight

[Anonymous]

Op, I’m not usually a fan of this reccomendation, but at your point I would consider giving him an ultimatum.

Either he starts to contribute by doing xyz or you hire a housekeeper/household manager and pay from your joint account.

If he pitches a fit - don’t back down. What’s he going to do, throw the housekeeper out of the house? Cancel the check? No. This man can barely get his own sh*t together, nonetheless fire a housekeeper.

Try counselling for yourself. He probably won’t go if you begged him. However, on the off chance he’s agreeable, the $200/hr you pay is WELL worth it to have the therapist call your husband out on his crap. Get a male therapist if you can.

Also, what was it like when your kids were newborns?

[Anonymous]

It could be, as another person suggested, untreated adult ADHD because what you're describing is an awful lot like what my DH was like before he got treatment. It could also be sleep deprivation, because it also sounds a lot like what I was like when we had two little kids and I wasn't getting enough sleep.

It is not uncommon for someone who had managed their undiagnosed or untreated ADHD ok before kids to completely lose it once kids enter the picture. Kids change everything and make it that much harder. Is it possible your DH is dealing with this?

How is everyone's sleep? Yours, your DH's, your kids? I know it's a thing now, but I really am horribly forgetful and disorganized when I'm not getting enough sleep. I also need a lot of sleep - 9 hours a night is barely enough for me.

The second time my DH ran off somewhere without his wallet, I put a basket on a table in our entry way, told him it was for his wallet and keys, and that (mostly) solved that problem. It took some time for him getting used to using it, but it's second nature for him now. Could you do something like that for your DH & his badges, etc? I know, you shouldn't have to mother him, but sometimes we don't see things that can help ourselves (my DH makes sure my car has an umbrella and an ice scraper in it, because while I can remember to make sure the kids have boots that fit as we get near winter, I forget to check to make sure my ice scraper hasn't gotten lost/broken and I still have a functioning umbrella in my car).

Your DH is gone a weekend that makes extra work for both of you. Can he quit the reserves?

When you are both home for the weekend, what does your DH do? You've described what you do, but not what he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I’m not usually a fan of this reccomendation, but at your point I would consider giving him an ultimatum.

Either he starts to contribute by doing xyz or you hire a housekeeper/household manager and pay from your joint account.

If he pitches a fit - don’t back down. What’s he going to do, throw the housekeeper out of the house? Cancel the check? No. This man can barely get his own sh*t together, nonetheless fire a housekeeper.

Try counselling for yourself. He probably won’t go if you begged him. However, on the off chance he’s agreeable, the $200/hr you pay is WELL worth it to have the therapist call your husband out on his crap. Get a male therapist if you can.

Also, what was it like when your kids were newborns?

No, don't do this. OP is already in the hateful, nagging, sex-withholding wife phase. Her DH is already in the digging his heels in, refusing to get a housekeeper, dragging his feet on her chores phase. They are both in a vicious cycle of non compromising. It has nothing to do with who's right or wrong. It has to do with each of them hating each other and the horribleness of their current lives. Giving an ultimatum is absolutely going to make the cycle worse (yet another thing that OP is digging her heels in for, which will just make her DH dig in his heels even more). If you give an ultimatum, you are absolutely taking the marriage one step further into non-salvageable territory. In which case, just skip the ultimatum and simply file for divorce. It will be a lot less fighting and stress.

If you want to save the marriage, get to a joint counselor.

Not sure why the above poster thinks the DH won't do counseling. The OP has provided almost no description of her DH other than he's super forgetful in the morning and leaves dishes out at night. My guess is he hates the state of their marriage as much as she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:twice a week, go in early to work in a separate car. take care of the animals before you leave.

hire a housekeeper or a service to clean the house once/week and do some laundry.

OP here--DH does not want to hire a cleaning service....it's a battle....he does not want other people in the house without him being there. I have tried this twice and it's a yelling match: "they did a poor job...the house is still dirty...I have to pick up stuff before they come..." I have hired a lawn service as well on a case by case basis and it's the same "they did a really poor job". The reason I hire the lawn service is DH not having time to do it himself.

tell him.... "then you can clean because I'm too tired". End of story.

I did that as well and nothing was done for two weeks until I got sick of living in a filthy house....this is why I think there is a deeper issues. When I was dating DH, the house was cleanish....not perfect, but also not filthy....

Then hire the cleaner. Tell him you will keep having the cleaner come until he starts cleaning the house.

His issue is that now that he has more responsibilities, he's finding that he can't handle all of it, but can't admit it to himself, or that he thinks you as the woman should do everything but also can't admit that to himself. I knew a guy who said that up until he got married, he thought he'd be a really progressive husband, then he got married and he started to think his wife should do all the cooking, even though she worked too. The male misogyny and stereotypical ideals about household chores and parenting starts to creep up after getting married, and especially after having kids.

this. he can't handle life. he needs help. and not in the form of you doing everything for everyone, he needs help stepping up. find this before he starts getting angry all the time or depressed and lashing out, both as a byproduct to be incompetent and failing yet not knowing why or how.
this is textbook untreated adult ADHD, BTW.

No.. it's textook lazy, man-baby behavior. Guaranteed if it was something that was very important to him, he'd be able to figure it out.

I'm betting OP's DH can remember how many times they had sex in the past, but can't remember to pack the baby bottles for daycare.

touche

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having to go back home 2-3 times a week because he forgot something is insane. He needs to just keep everything together so he can grab it in the morning.

I'd get rid of the animals, he's using them as an excuse.

Dear OP, ignore the PP. Pets only make life better if it doesn't add stress to your life, but in your case, it's just one more thing to be responsible for.

Women have had to suck it up and deal with a-holes DHs for hundreds of years because they had no other options. Today we do, thank goodness. I'm not for divorce, but you shouldn't have to just suck it up and deal with it just because women in the past have had to.

My immigrant mother from a very traditional culture would tell me that "it's just the way it is" when talking about how women have it harder, to which I respond, "no.. that's just the way it was when you were younger. It doesn't have to be this way today and not for me".

You keep fighting to make your DH pull his weight, whether that's counseling, not doing his dishes/laundry, and letting him be late for work. The only part that is very unfair is that you can't just let your kids suffer because of your DH's inability to get his act together.

sadly yes: The only part that is very unfair is that you can't just let your kids suffer because of your DH's inability to get his act together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if your husband is exhausted by the daily grind? Job. Chores. Kids. Bills. Cooking. Cleaning. He's tired. He's dropping the ball everywhere because he's tired. He's letting you do most of the work because he can't do more than he's already doing.

Don't tell him you're hiring a housekeeper: Just do it. If he complains, tell him either he does the work, or he shuts up about it. Tell him it's not fair that you're forced to do more than your fair share, and he has no say about it. Not negotiable.

I'm not sure I would trust him with the kids based on what you've written. He sounds like an accident waiting to happen. Have him get the kids ready in the mornings, and you go in your own car to drop them off. He can drive himself to his job. How do you put up with returning home several times a week? That's ridiculous.

I would stop counting on him based on what you've written. You do what you need to do to keep things running, and stop trying to be a team with this man-baby. He sounds hopeless.

I would keep the pets. They're the sunshine in our lives.

HE is tired? No way, he's still stuck in his bachelor days of Eat, Sleep, Go to work. She is one who's tired.

You are basically suggesting that OP become his mother and a single parent and he should just be a free-loader. This is exactly what lazy ManChild wants. Just divorce him.

[Anonymous]

OP, start taking your two evenings a week, too. Just do it. This family dynamic is going to improve once you have two OVER two, if you can hang on that long. In the meantime, have the fights you need to have, preferably over how badly the people you hired did their jobs rather than over how you did them, and you stop doing so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could be, as another person suggested, untreated adult ADHD because what you're describing is an awful lot like what my DH was like before he got treatment. It could also be sleep deprivation, because it also sounds a lot like what I was like when we had two little kids and I wasn't getting enough sleep.

It is not uncommon for someone who had managed their undiagnosed or untreated ADHD ok before kids to completely lose it once kids enter the picture. Kids change everything and make it that much harder. Is it possible your DH is dealing with this?

How is everyone's sleep? Yours, your DH's, your kids? I know it's a thing now, but I really am horribly forgetful and disorganized when I'm not getting enough sleep. I also need a lot of sleep - 9 hours a night is barely enough for me.

The second time my DH ran off somewhere without his wallet, I put a basket on a table in our entry way, told him it was for his wallet and keys, and that (mostly) solved that problem. It took some time for him getting used to using it, but it's second nature for him now. Could you do something like that for your DH & his badges, etc? I know, you shouldn't have to mother him, but sometimes we don't see things that can help ourselves (my DH makes sure my car has an umbrella and an ice scraper in it, because while I can remember to make sure the kids have boots that fit as we get near winter, I forget to check to make sure my ice scraper hasn't gotten lost/broken and I still have a functioning umbrella in my car).

Your DH is gone a weekend that makes extra work for both of you. Can he quit the reserves?

When you are both home for the weekend, what does your DH do? You've described what you do, but not what he does.

It’s untreated misery is what it is, but go ahead try to throw a diagnosis and a pill at it.

[giaeve707]

I’m tired for you just reading your post. I know this won’t seem like any help but the words “this too shall pass” apply here. It’s a short season. Just plow through it. That said, if you are both working full time the home responsibilities shouldn’t be carried only by one spouse. Rather than viewing them as duties, they can be viewed as shared rituals/bonding time. Instead of one person making dinner, it’s both spouses sharing the time together, beautifully orchestrated. It’s a mindset and counseling would be good too.

[Anonymous]

I say keep the pets - ditch the hubby.

And then go on strike.

Let the dust collect.
Let his laundry pile up.
Do not iron his clothes anymore.
Leave his filthy dishes UNTIL he puts them away.
Only prepare meals for yourself + your kids.

Living in his own squalor due to his laziness should teach him a tough life lesson here.

[Anonymous]

you hire a housekeeper/household manager and pay from your joint account

Do this. Just do this.
Stop with the endless discussions. Take action.

[Anonymous]

If you have a couple kids and divorce over this, does his lack of stepping up result in full custody for spouse? Doing 50/50 w an individual like this would be highly frustrating.

[Anonymous]

The children will suffer much more from divorce, than from whatever chores don't get done that Op thinks are so important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I’m not usually a fan of this reccomendation, but at your point I would consider giving him an ultimatum.

Either he starts to contribute by doing xyz or you hire a housekeeper/household manager and pay from your joint account.

If he pitches a fit - don’t back down. What’s he going to do, throw the housekeeper out of the house? Cancel the check? No. This man can barely get his own sh*t together, nonetheless fire a housekeeper.

Try counselling for yourself. He probably won’t go if you begged him. However, on the off chance he’s agreeable, the $200/hr you pay is WELL worth it to have the therapist call your husband out on his crap. Get a male therapist if you can.

Also, what was it like when your kids were newborns?

No, don't do this. OP is already in the hateful, nagging, sex-withholding wife phase. Her DH is already in the digging his heels in, refusing to get a housekeeper, dragging his feet on her chores phase. They are both in a vicious cycle of non compromising. It has nothing to do with who's right or wrong. It has to do with each of them hating each other and the horribleness of their current lives. Giving an ultimatum is absolutely going to make the cycle worse (yet another thing that OP is digging her heels in for, which will just make her DH dig in his heels even more). If you give an ultimatum, you are absolutely taking the marriage one step further into non-salvageable territory. In which case, just skip the ultimatum and simply file for divorce. It will be a lot less fighting and stress.

If you want to save the marriage, get to a joint counselor.

Not sure why the above poster thinks the DH won't do counseling. The OP has provided almost no description of her DH other than he's super forgetful in the morning and leaves dishes out at night. My guess is he hates the state of their marriage as much as she does.

This is a very mature response. I want to use this advice for myself!

It's very hard to focus on the good. I find myself thinking a lot more about the stuff he did not do than dwelling on what he has done. While it's counter intuitive, the happier and more grateful you are about what is done, the more likely you will be happier and he will be happier....

[Anonymous]

Men need to rest more than women. When have longer lives by a good amount and it's not fair. Men can feel housework after work killing them more quickly than women. It's survival to power down.