DH not pulling his weight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having to go back home 2-3 times a week because he forgot something is insane. He needs to just keep everything together so he can grab it in the morning.

I'd get rid of the animals, he's using them as an excuse.

Who actually takes care of the kids on his non-reserve weekends? You're doing laundry, cooking, cleaning etc - but especially if they're that little, is he with them?

Sounds like he's kind of a dick but I feel like there are other issues at play here.

OP--I put laundry in before bedtime on a 8-hour delay and dry/fold while they're taking an afternoon nap or fall asleep for the night. Have an older one in a large play pen, while I vacuum/clean/cook and the youngest one in a bouncer or a swing. I take showers while they take their morning naps.

Dear OP, my husband travels for work frequently so I'm often alone in things. Please don't justify how you keep the house running while having kids. Your process is normal, although really cool/cooler than others as your washer has a delay. Women have been running houses and raising kids for generations.

I wish you the best. Divorce won't be easy, but neither is having a 3rd kid basically (your DH).

Ps. Keep the animals. Animals make life better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DWs always believe they do all the work. In reality, it’s nothing like that.

When time use studies have been done about the division of labor within heterosexual couples, they've found that wives do, in fact, do more house/family chores, even when you account for things like work hours.

[Anonymous]

Tell him that September is Women Don't Clean Houses month. Drop everything house-related for the month, and take on all animals husbandry instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What advice are you truly looking for on this forum? You need couples counseling given the multiple issues that are presenting in your relationship especially in the multiple roles you have (cook, cleaner, child rearer) and the lack of inequity.

My DH is very similar. Mornings are terrible for him. We have to travel separately to work for our separate sanities, but he is in charge of getting the kids to daycare as I leave early to pick them up. I leave by 6 after walking the dog, so he is in charge of the morning because I just couldn't handle him not getting his act together. It took me taking the car and him struggling for about two weeks. Now he has a routine and the kids make it to daycare and school.

I assume you guys have a joint bank account, or else I'd say just pay for a cleaning service out of your account. I don't know how to advice you to get your own account to be able to do that, but think about how you could. For your own sake.

I had a friend who went to take care of her sick mother for a month overseas and it wasn't until that time that her DH realized all that she did and all that he had to do in her absence.

We have a joint account and I have my personal account. I pay for cleaning out of my personal account and for lawn service out of joint account.

Continue to do this, but maybe don't tell him you hired a cleaning service. Maybe even have them come on one his reserve weekends. He'll be none the wiser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop using sex as a weapon and get a divorce. Withholding sex is the same as abandoning the marriage as much as he has already abandoned you. Just divorce.

the husband has abandoned the family already is sounds like. Just hire the cleaners. I can't believe thats an expense that has to be discussed. but you all have much much bigger issues to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Wow, lots going on here. I would make a list of all that you do (morning, nighttime + weekend duties) and show it to him. Also, he needs to see how much personal time you each have away from home. Explain to him that you are about to snap and you two need to come up with a solution. STAT! Outsouce, or he picks up the slack. These changes happen immediately or you will be arranging for house cleaners on Monday.

Outsourcing should not come out of your account. You should not be the human alarm clock. Let him be late. He is a man child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having to go back home 2-3 times a week because he forgot something is insane. He needs to just keep everything together so he can grab it in the morning.

I'd get rid of the animals, he's using them as an excuse.

Who actually takes care of the kids on his non-reserve weekends? You're doing laundry, cooking, cleaning etc - but especially if they're that little, is he with them?

Sounds like he's kind of a dick but I feel like there are other issues at play here.

OP--I put laundry in before bedtime on a 8-hour delay and dry/fold while they're taking an afternoon nap or fall asleep for the night. Have an older one in a large play pen, while I vacuum/clean/cook and the youngest one in a bouncer or a swing. I take showers while they take their morning naps.

So the kids spend all their weekends in a playpen and/or bouncer while he does ... what? I'm not understanding this dynamic.

[Anonymous]

I'd keep the animals and lose the H. And hire the cleaners. If he doesn't want to clean the house himself then he gets no say in how it gets done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having to go back home 2-3 times a week because he forgot something is insane. He needs to just keep everything together so he can grab it in the morning.

I'd get rid of the animals, he's using them as an excuse.

Who actually takes care of the kids on his non-reserve weekends? You're doing laundry, cooking, cleaning etc - but especially if they're that little, is he with them?

Sounds like he's kind of a dick but I feel like there are other issues at play here.

OP--I put laundry in before bedtime on a 8-hour delay and dry/fold while they're taking an afternoon nap or fall asleep for the night. Have an older one in a large play pen, while I vacuum/clean/cook and the youngest one in a bouncer or a swing. I take showers while they take their morning naps.

So the kids spend all their weekends in a playpen and/or bouncer while he does ... what? I'm not understanding this dynamic.

OP--No; I put them there if I need to clean/prep food. I have crawlers/new walkers/boppy loungers. Otherwise I just watch them or we go to parks or local trails.

[Anonymous]

I would hire cleaners come hell or high water.

For the morning commute annoyances, I would not wake him up and I would leave his ass behind and leave without him a few times.

[Anonymous]

Get your ducks in a row to divorce.

[Anonymous]

First step: get an IUD
Second step: hire cleaners, don't ask, just do it
Third step: counseling

[Anonymous]

can you change your work hours (or pretend to) for a while? Or instead of divvying up the chores as you have (sort of), decide that you do mornings==kids animals drop off and he does evenings---pick up, animals and dinner, and you split bedtimes? If he's not up and ready by the time you have to leave, you just leave in the mornings and he figures it out. In the evenings, go work out or go out at night until he's done the pick up and dinner--at least for a while.



honestly OP, my life was like yours whenthe kids were little, i felt desperate. I made chore lists, I got promises, etc but very little changed. I have to say it gets much better when the kids are older and need less attention/are more independent and are less exhausting. But I also made changes--I insisted on a house cleaner and despite DH insisting he didn't want anyone to do landscaping/it was a waste of money, after 2 years of no trimming, mulching or weeding, I hired landscapers (who had a *major* clean up job). I also hired an afterschool sitter who does some housekeeping (laundry, tidying, will prep dinner for the kids). I dont ask anymore, I just do. I still do most of the cooking or at least meal shopping, all the finances (everything, the bills, investments, credit cards, taxes, health insurance reimbursements), all the travel plans/bday parties/ school/camp/doctor/lessons, all the shopping for everything we ever need (but I amazon it) all the car repair and allthe house repair--I do what I can myself, and outsource the rest. I've unsnaked drains and fixed showerheads and resealed tubs, but I have also not hesitated to call in someone. I do send DH on errands a lot--he is happy to get out of the house and get something, but I have to make the list. I also equalize it a little by taking off more time for me on the weekends when he has to entertain or drive the kids, and i've lowered standards--I dont do PTA, I dont cook up a storm, I dont keep a particularly neat house, I dont send bday wishes to his parents for him, etc. I dont get mad (most of the time) but I am also just blunt. Example: after working from home the whole day (and going to the gym) he'd wait until 6:30 when I was home and ask "What's for dinner" and I'd answer "I have no idea. Do you have a plan?" so now he occasionally will think of dinner or if he hasn't, he will scramble through the frig to figure something out if its clear that I'm not in the cooking mood. Even better, I will say, can you make dinner tomorrow?

On the plus side, he is supportive in other ways and he is a good dad and spends quality time with the kids and i've made my peace, but I've come to realize that I dont really need him to run the household. I can do both. Its both disappointing and liberating.

[Anonymous]

So let me get this straight.

Your husband spends no time with his children aside from minimal transportation duties associated with daycare. He also does no work around the house, including clearing his own dinner dishes from the table. He also will not allow people to come in the house when he's not there.

Who does he think is doing the cooking, cleaning, and childcare? Is his position that you should just continue to do everything with no support, or does he believe he is being helpful and contributing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to figure out what's wrong with my DH and how I can encourage him to do his fair share. I am at a point, where I am seriously considering a divorce.

We have two under two and both of us work full time. Kids are in excellent daycare in DC near our work. We commute together to DC almost every day, unless there is a logistical issue and then we split up the kids and take two cars for HOV purposes. I get kids prepped for daycare (dressed, bottles, diapers, and etc.) every morning or the night before and DH just needs to carry them out to the car and put them in their car seats. I usually get up first and get myself ready while kids are still sleeping and then get the kids ready. DH takes care of coffee, breakfast, and feeds our animals. Half of the time, I need to get DH out of bed (he oversleeps) and we're constantly running late in the morning. I ask him to set his alarm and he does and just hits the snooze button and falls back asleep.

If DH travels for work, we get out of the house at a decent hour and I manage to drop the kids off at two different daycares and get myself to work on time. I skip breakfast, but take care of the animals. I repeatedly ask DH to get ready the night before, so we can get out of the house quickly without him looking for his badges, wallet, and phone. Often, he leaves it behind and we have to drive back because he forgets something at the house. It happens to everyone, but with him it happens at least twice or tree times a week.

When we get home, I take care of the kids and he takes care of the animals. Bedtime is split with him putting one kid to bed and me taking care of the other. I try to cook a meal at least twice a week and we have take out once a week. All the cleaning after dinner is left to me and DH fails to even clean his plate off the table and put it in the dishwasher. I used to clean up after him and now I just let it sit there.....sometimes he does not touch it until the next day.

Our weekends look like this. Most of the childcare falls back on me. I also clean the house, do laundry (mine and kids), pay bills, and try to prep a meal or two to cover Mondays/Tuesdays. I usually do not have time to meet friends and maybe can squeeze one dinner date/hh date with a friend once a month. DH has reserve duty once or twice a month (usually over a weekend) and tries to meet a friend(s) for dinner at least once a week. Basically, I am single parenting all the time. Date nights are non-existent with DH saying he does not want to pay for babysitter or that no one wants to babysit two under two. We have no family nearby, so we can't ask anyone. I am so exhausted, I barely function and drop into bed as soon as kids are asleep. Sex life is non-existent....due to me having HUUGE resentment issues. I'd rather get a good night of sleep than entertain DH's advances.

I have tried everything.....I asked nicely (I wish you would do more of this).....I demanded (you need to do this by this date)....I yelled (just F****ing do it ok).... for him to pull his weight and make our relationship more like a partnership and not a medieval coexistence. Nothing works on this guy, he just bickers and makes excuses why it could not be done.

I basically said that I am turning off sex until he pulls his weight and he tried to complain it WAS NOT FAIR.....

Totally. This is #1 cause of divorce.

He is not pulling his weight. He is not behaving like an adult. He is not behaving like a husband or father.

Check if this is the same dynamic his father and mother had, he main role models. Check if ADHD Inattentive runs in his family, or judge for yourself.

My only advice would be to get counseling for Time Mgmt, Organization and Communication. This may be more benign than telling a defensive guy like this to do Couples Counseling. He sounds like a cheapskate, and/or hides behind that as an excuse to constantly do or decide nothing. See if 6-8 sessions are covered for free by one of your employers. Counselor should help you come up with family schedules, systems of lists, family goals, ways for DH to organize himself so he is accountable and not dropping the ball.

Then decide for yourself if you want 30-40+ more years of ManChild.