DH not pulling his weight
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Anonymous
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I am trying to figure out what's wrong with my DH and how I can encourage him to do his fair share. I am at a point, where I am seriously considering a divorce.
We have two under two and both of us work full time. Kids are in excellent daycare in DC near our work. We commute together to DC almost every day, unless there is a logistical issue and then we split up the kids and take two cars for HOV purposes. I get kids prepped for daycare (dressed, bottles, diapers, and etc.) every morning or the night before and DH just needs to carry them out to the car and put them in their car seats. I usually get up first and get myself ready while kids are still sleeping and then get the kids ready. DH takes care of coffee, breakfast, and feeds our animals. Half of the time, I need to get DH out of bed (he oversleeps) and we're constantly running late in the morning. I ask him to set his alarm and he does and just hits the snooze button and falls back asleep. If DH travels for work, we get out of the house at a decent hour and I manage to drop the kids off at two different daycares and get myself to work on time. I skip breakfast, but take care of the animals. I repeatedly ask DH to get ready the night before, so we can get out of the house quickly without him looking for his badges, wallet, and phone. Often, he leaves it behind and we have to drive back because he forgets something at the house. It happens to everyone, but with him it happens at least twice or tree times a week. When we get home, I take care of the kids and he takes care of the animals. Bedtime is split with him putting one kid to bed and me taking care of the other. I try to cook a meal at least twice a week and we have take out once a week. All the cleaning after dinner is left to me and DH fails to even clean his plate off the table and put it in the dishwasher. I used to clean up after him and now I just let it sit there.....sometimes he does not touch it until the next day. Our weekends look like this. Most of the childcare falls back on me. I also clean the house, do laundry (mine and kids), pay bills, and try to prep a meal or two to cover Mondays/Tuesdays. I usually do not have time to meet friends and maybe can squeeze one dinner date/hh date with a friend once a month. DH has reserve duty once or twice a month (usually over a weekend) and tries to meet a friend(s) for dinner at least once a week. Basically, I am single parenting all the time. Date nights are non-existent with DH saying he does not want to pay for babysitter or that no one wants to babysit two under two. We have no family nearby, so we can't ask anyone. I am so exhausted, I barely function and drop into bed as soon as kids are asleep. Sex life is non-existent....due to me having HUUGE resentment issues. I'd rather get a good night of sleep than entertain DH's advances. I have tried everything.....I asked nicely (I wish you would do more of this).....I demanded (you need to do this by this date)....I yelled (just F****ing do it ok).... for him to pull his weight and make our relationship more like a partnership and not a medieval coexistence. Nothing works on this guy, he just bickers and makes excuses why it could not be done. I basically said that I am turning off sex until he pulls his weight and he tried to complain it WAS NOT FAIR..... |
Anonymous
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twice a week, go in early to work in a separate car. take care of the animals before you leave.
hire a housekeeper or a service to clean the house once/week and do some laundry. |
Anonymous
OP here--DH does not want to hire a cleaning service....it's a battle....he does not want other people in the house without him being there. I have tried this twice and it's a yelling match: "they did a poor job...the house is still dirty...I have to pick up stuff before they come..." I have hired a lawn service as well on a case by case basis and it's the same "they did a really poor job". The reason I hire the lawn service is DH not having time to do it himself. |
Anonymous
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Get a house cleaner. Other than that.. I don't know what to tell you. Some men are big man babies and too immature to chip in.
The resentment thing is a big deal. It wasn't until I stopped working a few years ago to focus 100% on kids and house that my resentment over unfair division of duties (especially the mental ones) started to recede, and that was also after DH picked up more of the mental load. Also, my kids are much older than your's. Those first few years were really hard, and there was a lot of resentment on both our parts - me because I was doing most of the work; him because I was too tired and resentful to want to have sex with him. Men don't seem to understand that most women don't want to have sex with men whom they don't like or have deep resentment against. For the most part, if they want the DW to put out, they also need to put out.. in the form of picking up more of the chores. After I stopped being so stressed out and DH picked up more of the mental load, we started to have more sex. I have gone back to work now, and DH does a lot more than he used to in term of the mental load since a lot of the physical stuff can be outsourced. |
Anonymous
tell him.... "then you can clean because I'm too tired". End of story. |
Anonymous
| DWs always believe they do all the work. In reality, it’s nothing like that. |
Anonymous
I did that as well and nothing was done for two weeks until I got sick of living in a filthy house....this is why I think there is a deeper issues. When I was dating DH, the house was cleanish....not perfect, but also not filthy.... |
Anonymous
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Having to go back home 2-3 times a week because he forgot something is insane. He needs to just keep everything together so he can grab it in the morning.
I'd get rid of the animals, he's using them as an excuse. Who actually takes care of the kids on his non-reserve weekends? You're doing laundry, cooking, cleaning etc - but especially if they're that little, is he with them? Sounds like he's kind of a dick but I feel like there are other issues at play here. |
Anonymous
Then hire the cleaner. Tell him you will keep having the cleaner come until he starts cleaning the house. His issue is that now that he has more responsibilities, he's finding that he can't handle all of it, but can't admit it to himself, or that he thinks you as the woman should do everything but also can't admit that to himself. I knew a guy who said that up until he got married, he thought he'd be a really progressive husband, then he got married and he started to think his wife should do all the cooking, even though she worked too. The male misogyny and stereotypical ideals about household chores and parenting starts to creep up after getting married, and especially after having kids. |
Anonymous
| ^^ I agree.. get rid of the pets. Why are you adding more unnecessary stress to your lives. If he can't handle pets and taking care of his own kids, then he needs to let the pets go. |
Anonymous
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Op, what does DH say when you sit down to talk about this stuff? Does he admit there is an issue at all?
One thing that really works well is to together write a list of ALL the caretaking activities and then split it up on paper. That can somehow help people get their head around the entirety of the work that needs to be done. |
Anonymous
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What advice are you truly looking for on this forum? You need couples counseling given the multiple issues that are presenting in your relationship especially in the multiple roles you have (cook, cleaner, child rearer) and the lack of inequity.
My DH is very similar. Mornings are terrible for him. We have to travel separately to work for our separate sanities, but he is in charge of getting the kids to daycare as I leave early to pick them up. I leave by 6 after walking the dog, so he is in charge of the morning because I just couldn't handle him not getting his act together. It took me taking the car and him struggling for about two weeks. Now he has a routine and the kids make it to daycare and school. I assume you guys have a joint bank account, or else I'd say just pay for a cleaning service out of your account. I don't know how to advice you to get your own account to be able to do that, but think about how you could. For your own sake. I had a friend who went to take care of her sick mother for a month overseas and it wasn't until that time that her DH realized all that she did and all that he had to do in her absence. |
Anonymous
| Stop using sex as a weapon and get a divorce. Withholding sex is the same as abandoning the marriage as much as he has already abandoned you. Just divorce. |
Anonymous
OP--I put laundry in before bedtime on a 8-hour delay and dry/fold while they're taking an afternoon nap or fall asleep for the night. Have an older one in a large play pen, while I vacuum/clean/cook and the youngest one in a bouncer or a swing. I take showers while they take their morning naps. |
Anonymous
We have a joint account and I have my personal account. I pay for cleaning out of my personal account and for lawn service out of joint account. |