DH not pulling his weight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:can you change your work hours (or pretend to) for a while? Or instead of divvying up the chores as you have (sort of), decide that you do mornings==kids animals drop off and he does evenings---pick up, animals and dinner, and you split bedtimes? If he's not up and ready by the time you have to leave, you just leave in the mornings and he figures it out. In the evenings, go work out or go out at night until he's done the pick up and dinner--at least for a while.



honestly OP, my life was like yours whenthe kids were little, i felt desperate. I made chore lists, I got promises, etc but very little changed. I have to say it gets much better when the kids are older and need less attention/are more independent and are less exhausting. But I also made changes--I insisted on a house cleaner and despite DH insisting he didn't want anyone to do landscaping/it was a waste of money, after 2 years of no trimming, mulching or weeding, I hired landscapers (who had a *major* clean up job). I also hired an afterschool sitter who does some housekeeping (laundry, tidying, will prep dinner for the kids). I dont ask anymore, I just do. I still do most of the cooking or at least meal shopping, all the finances (everything, the bills, investments, credit cards, taxes, health insurance reimbursements), all the travel plans/bday parties/ school/camp/doctor/lessons, all the shopping for everything we ever need (but I amazon it) all the car repair and allthe house repair--I do what I can myself, and outsource the rest. I've unsnaked drains and fixed showerheads and resealed tubs, but I have also not hesitated to call in someone. I do send DH on errands a lot--he is happy to get out of the house and get something, but I have to make the list. I also equalize it a little by taking off more time for me on the weekends when he has to entertain or drive the kids, and i've lowered standards--I dont do PTA, I dont cook up a storm, I dont keep a particularly neat house, I dont send bday wishes to his parents for him, etc. I dont get mad (most of the time) but I am also just blunt. Example: after working from home the whole day (and going to the gym) he'd wait until 6:30 when I was home and ask "What's for dinner" and I'd answer "I have no idea. Do you have a plan?" so now he occasionally will think of dinner or if he hasn't, he will scramble through the frig to figure something out if its clear that I'm not in the cooking mood. Even better, I will say, can you make dinner tomorrow?

On the plus side, he is supportive in other ways and he is a good dad and spends quality time with the kids and i've made my peace, but I've come to realize that I dont really need him to run the household. I can do both. Its both disappointing and liberating.

OP here--your life sounds like my life. However, my husband expects me to keep track of everyone's birthdays and anniversaries on his side of the family. I did it last year, but buying gift cards for his twelve nephews/nieces was exhausting. He also wanted me to get cards for his mother and father's birthdays, anniversaries, and to cover mother/father's day. He claims he always forgets. This year, I bought a generic packs of Birthday cards from Home Goods in advance, gave it to him, and told him my job is done.

Unfortunately, we have to commute together as we live 60 miles out from DC....sigh! I will leave his a** behind this week guaranteed and grab a kid with me...he can drive the other one. I did it once already and he twiddled around the house for 30 more minutes and called me asking if I packed the bottles. They were literally next to DS sleeping in his car seat on the kitchen island.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:twice a week, go in early to work in a separate car. take care of the animals before you leave.

hire a housekeeper or a service to clean the house once/week and do some laundry.

OP here--DH does not want to hire a cleaning service....it's a battle....he does not want other people in the house without him being there. I have tried this twice and it's a yelling match: "they did a poor job...the house is still dirty...I have to pick up stuff before they come..." I have hired a lawn service as well on a case by case basis and it's the same "they did a really poor job". The reason I hire the lawn service is DH not having time to do it himself.

tell him.... "then you can clean because I'm too tired". End of story.

I did that as well and nothing was done for two weeks until I got sick of living in a filthy house....this is why I think there is a deeper issues. When I was dating DH, the house was cleanish....not perfect, but also not filthy....

Then hire the cleaner. Tell him you will keep having the cleaner come until he starts cleaning the house.

His issue is that now that he has more responsibilities, he's finding that he can't handle all of it, but can't admit it to himself, or that he thinks you as the woman should do everything but also can't admit that to himself. I knew a guy who said that up until he got married, he thought he'd be a really progressive husband, then he got married and he started to think his wife should do all the cooking, even though she worked too. The male misogyny and stereotypical ideals about household chores and parenting starts to creep up after getting married, and especially after having kids.

this. he can't handle life. he needs help. and not in the form of you doing everything for everyone, he needs help stepping up. find this before he starts getting angry all the time or depressed and lashing out, both as a byproduct to be incompetent and failing yet not knowing why or how.
this is textbook untreated adult ADHD, BTW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:can you change your work hours (or pretend to) for a while? Or instead of divvying up the chores as you have (sort of), decide that you do mornings==kids animals drop off and he does evenings---pick up, animals and dinner, and you split bedtimes? If he's not up and ready by the time you have to leave, you just leave in the mornings and he figures it out. In the evenings, go work out or go out at night until he's done the pick up and dinner--at least for a while.



honestly OP, my life was like yours whenthe kids were little, i felt desperate. I made chore lists, I got promises, etc but very little changed. I have to say it gets much better when the kids are older and need less attention/are more independent and are less exhausting. But I also made changes--I insisted on a house cleaner and despite DH insisting he didn't want anyone to do landscaping/it was a waste of money, after 2 years of no trimming, mulching or weeding, I hired landscapers (who had a *major* clean up job). I also hired an afterschool sitter who does some housekeeping (laundry, tidying, will prep dinner for the kids). I dont ask anymore, I just do. I still do most of the cooking or at least meal shopping, all the finances (everything, the bills, investments, credit cards, taxes, health insurance reimbursements), all the travel plans/bday parties/ school/camp/doctor/lessons, all the shopping for everything we ever need (but I amazon it) all the car repair and allthe house repair--I do what I can myself, and outsource the rest. I've unsnaked drains and fixed showerheads and resealed tubs, but I have also not hesitated to call in someone. I do send DH on errands a lot--he is happy to get out of the house and get something, but I have to make the list. I also equalize it a little by taking off more time for me on the weekends when he has to entertain or drive the kids, and i've lowered standards--I dont do PTA, I dont cook up a storm, I dont keep a particularly neat house, I dont send bday wishes to his parents for him, etc. I dont get mad (most of the time) but I am also just blunt. Example: after working from home the whole day (and going to the gym) he'd wait until 6:30 when I was home and ask "What's for dinner" and I'd answer "I have no idea. Do you have a plan?" so now he occasionally will think of dinner or if he hasn't, he will scramble through the frig to figure something out if its clear that I'm not in the cooking mood. Even better, I will say, can you make dinner tomorrow?

On the plus side, he is supportive in other ways and he is a good dad and spends quality time with the kids and i've made my peace, but I've come to realize that I dont really need him to run the household.[b] I can do both. Its both disappointing and liberating.

Am in the same sad place, only it is overwhelming. I had hoped private school for the kids would help but I feel like I'm running the ATL airport with zero help from my 'life partner.'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:twice a week, go in early to work in a separate car. take care of the animals before you leave.

hire a housekeeper or a service to clean the house once/week and do some laundry.

OP here--DH does not want to hire a cleaning service....it's a battle....he does not want other people in the house without him being there. I have tried this twice and it's a yelling match: "they did a poor job...the house is still dirty...I have to pick up stuff before they come..." I have hired a lawn service as well on a case by case basis and it's the same "they did a really poor job". The reason I hire the lawn service is DH not having time to do it himself.

tell him.... "then you can clean because I'm too tired". End of story.

I did that as well and nothing was done for two weeks until I got sick of living in a filthy house....this is why I think there is a deeper issues. When I was dating DH, the house was cleanish....not perfect, but also not filthy....

Then hire the cleaner. Tell him you will keep having the cleaner come until he starts cleaning the house.

His issue is that now that he has more responsibilities, he's finding that he can't handle all of it, but can't admit it to himself, or that he thinks you as the woman should do everything but also can't admit that to himself. I knew a guy who said that up until he got married, he thought he'd be a really progressive husband, then he got married and he started to think his wife should do all the cooking, even though she worked too. The male misogyny and stereotypical ideals about household chores and parenting starts to creep up after getting married, and especially after having kids.

this. he can't handle life. he needs help. and not in the form of you doing everything for everyone, he needs help stepping up. find this before he starts getting angry all the time or depressed and lashing out, both as a byproduct to be incompetent and failing yet not knowing why or how.
this is textbook untreated adult ADHD, BTW.

No.. it's textook lazy, man-baby behavior. Guaranteed if it was something that was very important to him, he'd be able to figure it out.

I'm betting OP's DH can remember how many times they had sex in the past, but can't remember to pack the baby bottles for daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:twice a week, go in early to work in a separate car. take care of the animals before you leave.

hire a housekeeper or a service to clean the house once/week and do some laundry.

OP here--DH does not want to hire a cleaning service....it's a battle....he does not want other people in the house without him being there. I have tried this twice and it's a yelling match: "they did a poor job...the house is still dirty...I have to pick up stuff before they come..." I have hired a lawn service as well on a case by case basis and it's the same "they did a really poor job". The reason I hire the lawn service is DH not having time to do it himself.

tell him.... "then you can clean because I'm too tired". End of story.

I did that as well and nothing was done for two weeks until I got sick of living in a filthy house....this is why I think there is a deeper issues. When I was dating DH, the house was cleanish....not perfect, but also not filthy....

Then hire the cleaner. Tell him you will keep having the cleaner come until he starts cleaning the house.

His issue is that now that he has more responsibilities, he's finding that he can't handle all of it, but can't admit it to himself, or that he thinks you as the woman should do everything but also can't admit that to himself. I knew a guy who said that up until he got married, he thought he'd be a really progressive husband, then he got married and he started to think his wife should do all the cooking, even though she worked too. The male misogyny and stereotypical ideals about household chores and parenting starts to creep up after getting married, and especially after having kids.

this. he can't handle life. he needs help. and not in the form of you doing everything for everyone, he needs help stepping up. find this before he starts getting angry all the time or depressed and lashing out, both as a byproduct to be incompetent and failing yet not knowing why or how.
this is textbook untreated adult ADHD, BTW.

No.. it's textook lazy, man-baby behavior. Guaranteed if it was something that was very important to him, he'd be able to figure it out.

I'm betting OP's DH can remember how many times they had sex in the past, but can't remember to pack the baby bottles for daycare.

Exactly that. I bet he can also remember what he needs to bring to work but cannot remember what his children need for daycare. He's probably also totally capable of washing his own clothing but cannot be bothered to wash anyone else's.

It's not ADHD. Stop excusing it. It's not an inability to prioritize. It's an unwillingness to prioritize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having to go back home 2-3 times a week because he forgot something is insane. He needs to just keep everything together so he can grab it in the morning.

I'd get rid of the animals, he's using them as an excuse.

Who actually takes care of the kids on his non-reserve weekends? You're doing laundry, cooking, cleaning etc - but especially if they're that little, is he with them?

Sounds like he's kind of a dick but I feel like there are other issues at play here.

OP--I put laundry in before bedtime on a 8-hour delay and dry/fold while they're taking an afternoon nap or fall asleep for the night. Have an older one in a large play pen, while I vacuum/clean/cook and the youngest one in a bouncer or a swing. I take showers while they take their morning naps.

Dear OP, my husband travels for work frequently so I'm often alone in things. Please don't justify how you keep the house running while having kids. Your process is normal, although really cool/cooler than others as your washer has a delay. Women have been running houses and raising kids for generations.

I wish you the best. Divorce won't be easy, but neither is having a 3rd kid basically (your DH).

Ps. Keep the animals. Animals make life better.

Dear OP, ignore the PP. Pets only make life better if it doesn't add stress to your life, but in your case, it's just one more thing to be responsible for.

Women have had to suck it up and deal with a-holes DHs for hundreds of years because they had no other options. Today we do, thank goodness. I'm not for divorce, but you shouldn't have to just suck it up and deal with it just because women in the past have had to.

My immigrant mother from a very traditional culture would tell me that "it's just the way it is" when talking about how women have it harder, to which I respond, "no.. that's just the way it was when you were younger. It doesn't have to be this way today and not for me".

You keep fighting to make your DH pull his weight, whether that's counseling, not doing his dishes/laundry, and letting him be late for work. The only part that is very unfair is that you can't just let your kids suffer because of your DH's inability to get his act together.

[Anonymous]

OP here--your life sounds like my life. However, my husband expects me to keep track of everyone's birthdays and anniversaries on his side of the family. I did it last year, but buying gift cards for his twelve nephews/nieces was exhausting. He also wanted me to get cards for his mother and father's birthdays, anniversaries, and to cover mother/father's day. He claims he always forgets. This year, I bought a generic packs of Birthday cards from Home Goods in advance, gave it to him, and told him my job is done.

Unfortunately, we have to commute together as we live 60 miles out from DC....sigh! I will leave his a** behind this week guaranteed and grab a kid with me...he can drive the other one. I did it once already and he twiddled around the house for 30 more minutes and called me asking if I packed the bottles. They were literally next to DS sleeping in his car seat on the kitchen island.

1) why do you live so far? This is incredibly stressful for anyone. Is a move a possibility?

2) you are still enabling--if you buy the cards, you are enabling. If you leave one kid behind you are enabling him to get to work in the HOV lane. Stop enabling. Just stop doing. You dont have to make a big deal out of it, or make a huge point, just stop doing. If he's not ready and up in the morning, dont get him up, or help him out. Leave with the kids when you need to leave. You are not responsible for him--you have enough on your plate.

3) adhd? DH has it, though he wont medicate for it. It was better when he was on medication, but he also hasn't done any of the stuff that you're supposed to do as well (create organizational spaces, habits, work with a coach, etc). no matter what, he will lose his keys, wallet and phone and look for them. For 10 years i've suggested a place for them, right by the front door I created a key/wallet/phone bowl. But as they say, you can lead a horse to water....

[Anonymous]

Why are you asking him if he wants to pay for a babysitter? You make money. Make some decisions. Hire the help you need Op -- housecleaning & laundry, and whatever else you need.

[Anonymous]

Please think about the lessons your children are learning about gender roles by watching all that you do. Do you want a daughter who thinks it’s ok to settle for her husband not helping? Do you want a son who expects his wife to take care of everything? It’s not just about you and your husband. Maybe point this out to him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to figure out what's wrong with my DH and how I can encourage him to do his fair share. I am at a point, where I am seriously considering a divorce.

We have two under two and both of us work full time. Kids are in excellent daycare in DC near our work. We commute together to DC almost every day, unless there is a logistical issue and then we split up the kids and take two cars for HOV purposes. I get kids prepped for daycare (dressed, bottles, diapers, and etc.) every morning or the night before and DH just needs to carry them out to the car and put them in their car seats. I usually get up first and get myself ready while kids are still sleeping and then get the kids ready. DH takes care of coffee, breakfast, and feeds our animals. Half of the time, I need to get DH out of bed (he oversleeps) and we're constantly running late in the morning. I ask him to set his alarm and he does and just hits the snooze button and falls back asleep.


If DH travels for work, we get out of the house at a decent hour and I manage to drop the kids off at two different daycares and get myself to work on time. I skip breakfast, but take care of the animals. I repeatedly ask DH to get ready the night before, so we can get out of the house quickly without him looking for his badges, wallet, and phone. Often, he leaves it behind and we have to drive back because he forgets something at the house. It happens to everyone, but with him it happens at least twice or tree times a week.

When we get home, I take care of the kids and he takes care of the animals. Bedtime is split with him putting one kid to bed and me taking care of the other. I try to cook a meal at least twice a week and we have take out once a week. All the cleaning after dinner is left to me and DH fails to even clean his plate off the table and put it in the dishwasher. I used to clean up after him and now I just let it sit there.....sometimes he does not touch it until the next day.

Our weekends look like this. Most of the childcare falls back on me. I also clean the house, do laundry (mine and kids), pay bills, and try to prep a meal or two to cover Mondays/Tuesdays. I usually do not have time to meet friends and maybe can squeeze one dinner date/hh date with a friend once a month. DH has reserve duty once or twice a month (usually over a weekend) and tries to meet a friend(s) for dinner at least once a week. Basically, I am single parenting all the time. Date nights are non-existent with DH saying he does not want to pay for babysitter or that no one wants to babysit two under two. We have no family nearby, so we can't ask anyone. I am so exhausted, I barely function and drop into bed as soon as kids are asleep. Sex life is non-existent....due to me having HUUGE resentment issues. I'd rather get a good night of sleep than entertain DH's advances.

I have tried everything.....I asked nicely (I wish you would do more of this).....I demanded (you need to do this by this date)....I yelled (just F****ing do it ok).... for him to pull his weight and make our relationship more like a partnership and not a medieval coexistence. Nothing works on this guy, he just bickers and makes excuses why it could not be done.

I basically said that I am turning off sex until he pulls his weight and he tried to complain it WAS NOT FAIR.....

Old fashioned twin bell alarm clock placed well across the room. I'd set that myself for him, rather then try and keep track if he has hit the snooze button again.

[Anonymous]

Do you want a daughter who thinks it’s ok to settle for her husband not helping? Do you want a son who expects his wife to take care of everything?

Exaggeration doesn't help --- typical DCUM. Take a problem and exaggerate it for impact

[Anonymous]

OP, you stated that your DH is in the reserves. That means that he went through basic training, and at one point, he *had* to get up very early no matter what. So he did have that discipline in him at some point. He's now lost it because he's gotten lazy, and he has you to pick up the slack.

In the military, he had to have kept all his stuff orderly and be organized. So again, at one point, he did have those skills.

My brother is the *exact* same way. He was in the military. When he came back, he was super disciplined; woke up early; made his bed with those hospital corners, folded his laundry properly and was very fit. Fast forward five years and everything went to hell. Lazy, no discipline or self control. Spent most of his free time playing on his computer; no real social life. Why? Because when he came back, he lived with our parents (which was fine), but my mother did everything for him, just like when he lived at home before. The military had whipped him into shape, but my mother unraveled it all by babying him.

Finally got married to a mail order bride essentially, in his late 30's. No GF before this. His wife now takes care of him, but they have no kids, though they've tried. Honestly, it's better that they don't because he wouldn't be able to handle it. My parents are super thankful that he has someone to take care of him because he can't seem to take care of himself let alone a child. He's a manchild, and my parents have finally acknowledged it.

[Anonymous]

Hire out the housework. Don't let him drop off your other child. He may forget. I would cut him out of my routine in preparation of divorce. If he sees it and steps up then great otherwise I'll have practice before the inevitable. Oh, your commute is no excuse, I live 60 miles outside of dc and my spouse and I both commute. As kids get older the daycare issues forced each of us to commute solo.

[Anonymous]

You have lots of company. Men say they've bought into the equal partner thing but many of them really just want to have a working wife who brings in income AND a traditional wife who takes care of home and family, plus a sexy girlfriend in bed. You could either cut back on work and stay home more or you can outsource more of the work. You aren't going to change him and divorce is going to increase your responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Give him a list of what chores you expect him to do. And tell him that you're unhappy in your marriage because it's all about him and his happiness.