Wife’s past

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. First off I’m not ugly or weird. Handsome and shy more like it. My wife actually married up in looks and no, I’m not deluded, just honest. Second I’m not abusive. I’m just shocked this old her isn’t matching up with the new. We have lots of predictable, routine type sex which is good but not as free or exciting as I think her past was. She’s a high strung lawyer now with kids (100% not cheating) so I think life is to blame for her more restrained libido.

I’m more jealous she had this experience and I didn’t. Internal reasons have lessened and external opportunities are presenting now (which weren’t there when I was younger) to grow my social circle and date/meet a ton of women (interest is heavily reciprocated). I’d never act on any of it but I do feel resentment my life has worked out backwards (inner issues and limited external opportunities when I was younger to more confidence and high external opportunities when married). That’s my frustration.

That's what I figured when I read your first post, OP. It's not about her past. It's about you feeling you missed out, because you didn't sow your own wild oats, and now you're more socially confident and seeing all these opportunities you can't take. You're on the road to midlife crisis and a whole big mess where you may end up doing stupid things that blow up your marriage and your children's lives. It's very normal to feel the way you feel. Many of us, in one way or another, wish we could go back to a time in the past, with the confidence and wisdom we now have, and do things we didn't do then. When that's sexual stuff, and particularly for men, it's an intense and compelling regret, and women need to understand that.

You can keep it to yourself, and skulk around flirting with other women, checking off how many you bet would sleep with you now. You can obsess over certain sex acts you haven't experienced, that you bet some of these women would go for. This may get out of control, and lead to you cheating. You can also talk with your wife, and admit what you admitted here, which is that you used to be shyer, but now you really want to spice up your sex life and do more things with her. Make it about you. Do not blame her for her previous experiences. And do not blame her because things are not sexually adventurous between you right now. If she scoffs and says no, she already tried ____ and didn't like it, then you say well, you haven't, so you'd like a chance. If she has any sense and awareness, she'll understand. For all you know, she may think you're super vanilla, and not even interested in anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Used slutty as a crude adjective in a living way.

I wouldn’t want our daughter or even son to lose it that early.

So which is it- you either feel like you missed out and are jealous because your wife didn't OR you think losing your virginity "young" and having a variety of experiences is a bad thing? Because you are contradicting yourself here; you can't stand in judgement of things you wish you got to do, don't you see how messed up that is?

[Anonymous]

Op here . I’m not a prude but that’s young IMO but also would have liked exp later in life. Why is that hard to understand? Some of you get a thrill responding viciously like I’m some sick asshole.

I married young with lack of sexual/relationship exp and feel like I missed out. My wife didn’t and feels content. I love her and our life but have this nagging lack of contentment given the fact this ship (me) is anchored (lovingly).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here . I’m not a prude but that’s young IMO but also would have liked exp later in life. Why is that hard to understand? Some of you get a thrill responding viciously like I’m some sick asshole.

I married young with lack of sexual/relationship exp and feel like I missed out. My wife didn’t and feels content. I love her and our life but have this nagging lack of contentment given the fact this ship (me) is anchored (lovingly).

You need to relax and get over it. You can't re-write history. If you think she was sexually wilder in her youth then explore ways to get sexually wilder. My DH and I have had sex in some amazing places (always privately!) and when we do I become very uninhibited. That carries over to our bedroom sex. Before we got married we were both pretty inexperienced but now after 22 years we still both enjoy surprising each other with bits of creativity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW who went through this problem (my DH did not like my number *at all*). Here's the thing- women like sex. We like sex with men we are attracted to. So when we meet a guy we like, we have sex with him. Guys, for whatever reason, tend to lose interest in us after we have sex. So we spend our 20s getting burnt because we like a guy, sleep with him, then get dumped and never hear from him again.

Eventually we figure out the cycle and separate guys into 2 categories- those for fun, and those for relationships. Fun guys we use for sex, because remember, we like sex, too. So we can sleep with them early on and do some crazier things with them because we don't really care if we ever see them again. With relationship guys, we set rules of "no sex for 2 months" or whatever because we know if we do it too early, the guy will bail. It's stupid, but years of being dumped, it becomes necessary. So we make you work for it for a bit and do our best to act chaste because y'all have these weird hang-ups about "slutiness".

Just some perspective. It's not that you're foolish, it's that she knew sleeping with you too early would cause you to lose interest. I know without a doubt if I had slept with my DH right away, we would not be married today.

It had been the opposite for every woman I am friends with and me. It's never the sex part that causes the break up. No wonder people have so many issues. None of us want the guys with madonna complex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. First off I’m not ugly or weird. Handsome and shy more like it. My wife actually married up in looks and no, I’m not deluded, just honest. Second I’m not abusive. I’m just shocked this old her isn’t matching up with the new. We have lots of predictable, routine type sex which is good but not as free or exciting as I think her past was. She’s a high strung lawyer now with kids (100% not cheating) so I think life is to blame for her more restrained libido.

I’m more jealous she had this experience and I didn’t. Internal reasons have lessened and external opportunities are presenting now (which weren’t there when I was younger) to grow my social circle and date/meet a ton of women (interest is heavily reciprocated). I’d never act on any of it but I do feel resentment my life has worked out backwards (inner issues and limited external opportunities when I was younger to more confidence and high external opportunities when married). That’s my frustration.

That's what I figured when I read your first post, OP. It's not about her past. It's about you feeling you missed out, because you didn't sow your own wild oats, and now you're more socially confident and seeing all these opportunities you can't take. You're on the road to midlife crisis and a whole big mess where you may end up doing stupid things that blow up your marriage and your children's lives. It's very normal to feel the way you feel. Many of us, in one way or another, wish we could go back to a time in the past, with the confidence and wisdom we now have, and do things we didn't do then. When that's sexual stuff, and particularly for men, it's an intense and compelling regret, and women need to understand that.

You can keep it to yourself, and skulk around flirting with other women, checking off how many you bet would sleep with you now. You can obsess over certain sex acts you haven't experienced, that you bet some of these women would go for. This may get out of control, and lead to you cheating. You can also talk with your wife, and admit what you admitted here, which is that you used to be shyer, but now you really want to spice up your sex life and do more things with her. Make it about you. Do not blame her for her previous experiences. And do not blame her because things are not sexually adventurous between you right now. If she scoffs and says no, she already tried ____ and didn't like it, then you say well, you haven't, so you'd like a chance. If she has any sense and awareness, she'll understand. For all you know, she may think you're super vanilla, and not even interested in anything else.

+1 If you want something, ask for it-that's healthy. But, it seems like you are blaming your wife for having experiences that you wish you had had-that's not fair to her, and that resentment will hurt your marriage if you don't find a way to get past it.

[Anonymous]

These sound like the words of someone with too much time on their hands and too much brain devoted to things in the past.

Here's a question for you and your therapist:
How does this affect anything in the present or future?

[Anonymous]

OP, jealousy is a sad feeling. Don't feed it. If you don't want to go out and get your number up then make your sex life more exciting. It's not that hard if you truly want your wife, if you are excited about her, if you are really enjoying her. Do you know if your wife has any hangups? A single one night stand means nothing in terms of how open she is sexually. If it all came from the desire for closeness and from looking for love, then she might not be that adventurous. It does not look like you are adventurous either, it's more of a contest for you, then a sexual desire. What do you really want and what can you actually offer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, jealousy is a sad feeling. Don't feed it. If you don't want to go out and get your number up then make your sex life more exciting. It's not that hard if you truly want your wife, if you are excited about her, if you are really enjoying her. Do you know if your wife has any hangups? A single one night stand means nothing in terms of how open she is sexually. If it all came from the desire for closeness and from looking for love, then she might not be that adventurous. It does not look like you are adventurous either, it's more of a contest for you, then a sexual desire. What do you really want and what can you actually offer?

Than

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here . I’m not a prude but that’s young IMO but also would have liked exp later in life. Why is that hard to understand? Some of you get a thrill responding viciously like I’m some sick asshole.

I married young with lack of sexual/relationship exp and feel like I missed out. My wife didn’t and feels content. I love her and our life but have this nagging lack of contentment given the fact this ship (me) is anchored (lovingly).

You've called your wife a slut and said she's not good looking enough for you, all because you're embarrassed by your own lack of experience. You are an asshole. Writing "lovingly" after every assholish thing you say doesn't erase what you've said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. First off I’m not ugly or weird. Handsome and shy more like it. My wife actually married up in looks and no, I’m not deluded, just honest. Second I’m not abusive. I’m just shocked this old her isn’t matching up with the new. We have lots of predictable, routine type sex which is good but not as free or exciting as I think her past was. She’s a high strung lawyer now with kids (100% not cheating) so I think life is to blame for her more restrained libido.

I’m more jealous she had this experience and I didn’t. Internal reasons have lessened and external opportunities are presenting now (which weren’t there when I was younger) to grow my social circle and date/meet a ton of women (interest is heavily reciprocated). I’d never act on any of it but I do feel resentment my life has worked out backwards (inner issues and limited external opportunities when I was younger to more confidence and high external opportunities when married). That’s my frustration.

This post has very little to do with your wife's past and everything to do with you trying to justify having an affair. You want to sleep with other women. Just be honest. Don't talk around the truth by calling your wife of 13 years, and mother of your children, a slut. Look at the truth and accept it. I suggest you talk to a therapist and work through your insecurities. Sooner or later these insecurities will destroy your family's happiness - if they haven't already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here . I’m not a prude but that’s young IMO but also would have liked exp later in life. Why is that hard to understand? Some of you get a thrill responding viciously like I’m some sick asshole.

I married young with lack of sexual/relationship exp and feel like I missed out. My wife didn’t and feels content. I love her and our life but have this nagging lack of contentment given the fact this ship (me) is anchored (lovingly).

You've called your wife a slut and said she's not good looking enough for you, all because you're embarrassed by your own lack of experience. You are an asshole. Writing "lovingly" after every assholish thing you say doesn't erase what you've said.

+1 slippery slope to emotionally abusive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Used slutty as a crude adjective in a living way.

I wouldn’t want our daughter [/b]or even son[b]to lose it that early.

This attitude is contributing to your unhappiness. You have this old-fashioned attitude buried inside you that the male is SUPPOSED to be more experienced and adventuresome than the female partner. And sincebyour relationship doesn't fit that mold you are pissed.

And you are now getting more female attention than you used to and it's going to your head.

You are headed at 1000 mph towards a classic Mid life Crisis and Affair.

Here's a thought. Maybe let the past be the past and live with your choices in the now.

[Anonymous]

You've done a masterful job breaking down the intricacies of your thoughts and feelings and reasons and rationales OP.
But if we can stop and step back from the in-depth examination of your emotions for a moment, there's a crucial question that needs to be answered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. First off I’m not ugly or weird. Handsome and shy more like it. My wife actually married up in looks and no, I’m not deluded, just honest. Second I’m not abusive. I’m just shocked this old her isn’t matching up with the new. We have lots of predictable, routine type sex which is good but not as free or exciting as I think her past was. She’s a high strung lawyer now with kids (100% not cheating) so I think life is to blame for her more restrained libido.

I’m more jealous she had this experience and I didn’t. Internal reasons have lessened and external opportunities are presenting now (which weren’t there when I was younger) to grow my social circle and date/meet a ton of women (interest is heavily reciprocated). I’d never act on any of it but I do feel resentment my life has worked out backwards (inner issues and limited external opportunities when I was younger to more confidence and high external opportunities when married). That’s my frustration.

I called it on the first page, you're looking to justify cheating. Step one: villanize your wife.