Wife’s past

[Anonymous]

I need different perspectives.

Been with my wife 13 years and we have 2 kids togetherHowever, I recently found out about her sexual past which we agreed to not really talk about but had details flushed out a bit clearer. And it's disturbed me. We have a decent sexual relationship in terms of frequency and action but not adventurous or particularly open. She's a bit reserved and made me "wait" when we first met (I actually thought about leaving her initially because I questioned why she would purposely block intimacy without an explanation and made me question what might be wrong). Most disturbing is that she had a one-night fling with a friend (despite her sexually reserved attitude with me when we first met) and other stories indicate a more free/adventurous sexual past. I remember meeting her one night fling and am really annoyed having hung around him and her together without being the wiser. It really bothers me...makes me feel kind of cucky/dopey/foolish?

Second to that, she seemed far more sexual with the men in her past. I feel she lost her virginity a bit young IMO and her number was surprisingly high (if you were to guess based on her personality and lifestory, I don't think you'd get it right) and did some mildly slutty things when that the person I know really wouldn't do. I was a late bloomer that had sex with 2 different women 4 times prior to her keeping in mind I met her at 22. Nobody knows this and nobody would believe it given my personality and looks. I'm kind of jealous and shocked of her past even though it would likely be pretty tame considering most of the stories I hear.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need different perspectives.

Been with my wife 13 years and we have 2 kids togetherHowever, I recently found out about her sexual past which we agreed to not really talk about but had details flushed out a bit clearer. And it's disturbed me. We have a decent sexual relationship in terms of frequency and action but not adventurous or particularly open. She's a bit reserved and made me "wait" when we first met (I actually thought about leaving her initially because I questioned why she would purposely block intimacy without an explanation and made me question what might be wrong). Most disturbing is that she had a one-night fling with a friend (despite her sexually reserved attitude with me when we first met) and other stories indicate a more free/adventurous sexual past. I remember meeting her one night fling and am really annoyed having hung around him and her together without being the wiser. It really bothers me...makes me feel kind of cucky/dopey/foolish?

Second to that, she seemed far more sexual with the men in her past. I feel she lost her virginity a bit young IMO and her number was surprisingly high (if you were to guess based on her personality and lifestory, I don't think you'd get it right) and did some mildly slutty things when that the person I know really wouldn't do. I was a late bloomer that had sex with 2 different women 4 times prior to her keeping in mind I met her at 22. Nobody knows this and nobody would believe it given my personality and looks. I'm kind of jealous and shocked of her past even though it would likely be pretty tame considering most of the stories I hear.

Thoughts?

I wouldn't worry about it, unless you are upset she isn't doing with you what she did with the others. Then bring it up but NOT in relation to knowing she did that stuff in the past, that won't end up well. Its pretty common, women are slutty when they are young and are looking for fun. Once they rope a guy into marriage, no need for that anymore. You should be happy that at least you have some sort of sex life in your marriage, many people don't

As for feeling dopey etc, don't, she was a totally different person when you were not in her life, so no reason to feel that you had anything to do with how she was before you. Also be happy that she isn't a train wreck, most of the women I had crazy sex with in the past were massively damaged so it sounds like you ended up ok if she is overall a decent wife.

[Anonymous]

Let it go, too late now OP.

As long as no one is carrying any diseases it really doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to tell how much of your story is in the past and how far back in the past it goes. For example, I wouldn't think it would be appropriate for her to be hanging out with someone she slept with in the past while she's in a relationship/married to you.

I'm not sure you can really compare the other stuff for a lot of reasons.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she regrets the way she was and that's why she's a bit more reserved now? Agree.. you have to let it go. What else can you do?

[Anonymous]

I'm married to someone who used to be a bit of a slag (and I say that lovingly). I think it's good that she sowed her wild oats and got it out of system so she doesn't have to now. We joke that she used to be an alley cat but now she's been thoroughly domesticated. We've been together 20 years and have one of the happiest marriages I know of. Let it go, OP. Her experiences made her who she is, so be glad of them (if you like the person she is... and if you don't, that's an entirely different problem).

[Anonymous]

I refused to listen when the ball and chain brought up old boyfriends. They dumped her (I think), their loss.

[Anonymous]

I’m similar to your wife. My husband wants better sex, but he does not do what I ask in bed. And I’m not asking for anything weird. Maybe a little open communication about your current sex life might help.

[Anonymous]

12 years later you're worried about this shit!!!!

OMG what the hell is wrong with you!!!???

[Anonymous]

Your wife doesn't owe you anything.

You honestly sound like you need a good therapist.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds 1) regretful he didn't get more wild and crazy when he was younger and 2) mildly jealous / threatened by DW's former flingee (or whatever the noun is for the person she hooked up with 12+ years ago.) These feelings are not going to end well.

Why not think about what you can do now, rather than looking backward? For instance, what if you told your wife you wanted to get more wild and crazy? Sex can be fun, exotic, exciting if both people are of the same mindset. Talk about this with her. Tell her you want to start mixing it up. Watch edgier porn together. Talk about some of your fantasies and what elements of those fantasies can come into your bedroom. Don't be a dick if she doesn't want to do something, be aware that people change and just because she was wilder when she was young does not mean she's obligated to be wild now. But talk about your feelings and what you want in bed. For another instance, if the flingee is a lame-o and you hate being around him, stop being around him. Tell DW that you feel uncomfortable that he was her former flingee and that you don't like being there with them.

Speaking just for me, looking backward is going to destroy your marriage. Look forward to what you can control and change.

[Anonymous]

Be careful OP-My friend’s husband did this to her after being married for 15 years. It was the beginning of his nervous breakdown.

[Anonymous]

This is why you never discuss your sexual past with your current lover. No good can come out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she regrets the way she was and that's why she's a bit more reserved now? Agree.. you have to let it go. What else can you do?

This was my thought as well. Hope you can find away to accept it and move on, op.

[Anonymous]

OP, I say this with all my kindness. It's not that your wife has been slutty. It's that you are particularly inexperienced for a man, having had sex with only two women before marrying.

A typical man in this area marries at mid-thirties after accumulating at least a double-digit and frequently a triple-digit list. That's why there is less resentment toward the wife's experience, and an unspoken understanding that she, too, has been around the block.

You married early. That's all there is to it. If you waited to marry, your past would have looked similar to your wife's, and none of this gnashing of teeth would be necessary.