Wife’s past

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. First off I’m not ugly or weird. Handsome and shy more like it. My wife actually married up in looks and no, I’m not deluded, just honest. Second I’m not abusive. I’m just shocked this old her isn’t matching up with the new. We have lots of predictable, routine type sex which is good but not as free or exciting as I think her past was. She’s a high strung lawyer now with kids (100% not cheating) so I think life is to blame for her more restrained libido.

I’m more jealous she had this experience and I didn’t. Internal reasons have lessened and external opportunities are presenting now (which weren’t there when I was younger) to grow my social circle and date/meet a ton of women (interest is heavily reciprocated). I’d never act on any of it but I do feel resentment my life has worked out backwards (inner issues and limited external opportunities when I was younger to more confidence and high external opportunities when married). That’s my frustration.

Have you been reading red pill stuff? It seems like married men read it, then suddenly think they are casanova and angry that they can't sleep with whoever they want (news flash: those women you think want to sleep with you? They probably don't, they are just being nice).

I slept with 70+ women in my 20s-mid 30s, and it's overrated. I don't think about it, I don't look back fondly on it. Nothing magical happened that I can't get with my DW. All I think now is that I was stupid for putting myself at risk for STDs and unwanted pregnancies.

Work on your marriage. The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's green where you water it.

This is so true on so many levels. When I was young and hot, any friendliness I expressed was taken esp by older men as a comeon. I just like chatting!

And I love the watering analogy.

OP Google midlife crisis. I think your photo is on the Wikipedia page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. First off I’m not ugly or weird. Handsome and shy more like it. My wife actually married up in looks and no, I’m not deluded, just honest. Second I’m not abusive. I’m just shocked this old her isn’t matching up with the new. We have lots of predictable, routine type sex which is good but not as free or exciting as I think her past was. She’s a high strung lawyer now with kids (100% not cheating) so I think life is to blame for her more restrained libido.

I’m more jealous she had this experience and I didn’t. Internal reasons have lessened and external opportunities are presenting now (which weren’t there when I was younger) to grow my social circle and date/meet a ton of women (interest is heavily reciprocated). I’d never act on any of it but I do feel resentment my life has worked out backwards (inner issues and limited external opportunities when I was younger to more confidence and high external opportunities when married). That’s my frustration.

Have you been reading red pill stuff? It seems like married men read it, then suddenly think they are casanova and angry that they can't sleep with whoever they want (news flash: those women you think want to sleep with you? They probably don't, they are just being nice).

I slept with 70+ women in my 20s-mid 30s, and it's overrated. I don't think about it, I don't look back fondly on it. Nothing magical happened that I can't get with my DW. All I think now is that I was stupid for putting myself at risk for STDs and unwanted pregnancies.

Work on your marriage. The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's green where you water it.

Same with me, including similar numbers. In my case, my ex-fiancee and I broke off our engagement and I just went to town hooking up with LOTS of women. DC is a fun place to be a single guy in his late 20s/early 30s with a good job.

But the part I bolded is the very best advice in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I know what female interest looks like. Had lots of it post HS but couldn’t break down initial barriers (cold approaches). Have less barriers now given life changes and a bit more confidence. I make them laugh, smile but never ever suggest more or allow more. Been asked for drinks etc but turn it down so no, I’m not deluded. Could have had many opportunities given business travels but don’t even let that get anywhere near happening. Contrary to the angry women here reading into things too much, I’m not an asshole.

I think if I poached her from a convenant this wouldn’t bother me. Yeah I missed out but she did too. Maybe we’d have similar expectations now and not be content with routine because the wild/exciting was never gotten out of the way. More drive now too? I don’t know.

I have to let this go. I get it.

[Anonymous]

I know where you’re coming from, my wife was a party animal and had a really really good time from 16 to 25. We were friends during all that time so I knew a lot of the things she got into. I was reserved and not very confident until I hit my mid 20s so I never really got to go on a wild tear like she did because by the time I had enough skill and confidence to go on my own I was already in a monogamous relationship with her.
I felt the exact same way you did but I thought about it and I brought it up to her, I told her it was irrrational but I felt kind of like I had missed out.

In her ultimate coolness she simply said “I’ll try anything you want to do as long as it doesn’t involve other people”. Problem solved, I get to have sex with my 42-year-old wife who occasionally acts like the incorrigible 18-year-old she used to be and at 45 I have pretty much the greatest sex life ever.

You’ve got some anger in you and you’re going to need to really let that go before you try to have a conversation like I had with my wife, but if you’re coming from a pure and honest place you might actually get what you want.

This is imperative – get yourself a copy of She Comes First; if you are asking anything additional of her you better bring some new tricks to the table.

Good luck Chief

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I know what female interest looks like. Had lots of it post HS but couldn’t break down initial barriers (cold approaches). Have less barriers now given life changes and a bit more confidence. I make them laugh, smile but never ever suggest more or allow more. Been asked for drinks etc but turn it down so no, I’m not deluded. Could have had many opportunities given business travels but don’t even let that get anywhere near happening. Contrary to the angry women here reading into things too much, I’m not an asshole.

I think if I poached her from a convenant this wouldn’t bother me. Yeah I missed out but she did too. Maybe we’d have similar expectations now and not be content with routine because the wild/exciting was never gotten out of the way. More drive now too? I don’t know.

I have to let this go. I get it.

You are a petty, bitter, little man. I hope you find your way over this and never breathe a word of it to your wife. If you want more and varied sex with your wife just ask for it and leave her past out if it. If you can't do that, I hate to break it to you but you aren't as confident as you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Be careful OP-My friend’s husband did this to her after being married for 15 years. It was the beginning of his nervous breakdown.

Did what to her? We need more facts.

The same thing you’re doing- all of a sudden going back 15+ years and researching/shaming/questioning her past. It was the start of his nervous breakdown and the wife demanded he see a psychiatrist. It was that bizarre.

[Anonymous]

My DH was far more experienced then I was and I knew a good deal about his history as we were friends for a number of years before we got together. I can't say that he was a "player" but even his guy friends were in awe of him. It was surprising in that he wasn't some George Clooney-like stud, but women just flocked to him. I was the opposite - I always had boyfriends but had only slept with three guys before DH and I got together. I was petrified that my lack of experience (e.g. never given or received oral) would turn him off given his past but it didn't. Nor was his past a problem for me given how sweet he was knowing about my lack of experience. As our relationship developed I never looked back at his past because the present was so good. 22 years later I feel the same way and I like to think I'm the best he's ever had! Sexually, I'm sure I benefited from his past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of us tried things early in life, due to experimenting or insecurity or peer pressure or teenage hormones or whatever, and decided that we did NOT like those things. We may have discovered early on that certain things were not enjoyable and we had no desire to ever do them again.

The fact that she tried things does not necessarily mean she enjoyed them. And if she didn’t, she is under no obligation to do them again, ever. Her sexuality isn’t a gift that she owes anyone - if she didn’t like it the first time around, why should she keep doing the same thing? And would you even want to engage in an activity that doesn’t bring her pleasure, just because she let someone else? That is thinking of her as an object to be owned, not a person you want to please.

If she tried it once, didn't like it and never did it again, then I agree with you. But if she kept doing it with guy(s) then either she didn't really dislike it all that much or she doesn't think her husband is worth the time. We don't know the answer to this, whether she did the particular act(s) lots of times. If she did, and OP wants to do these things, then yes, I think she should be willing to do it for him too. Otherwise what does that say about where OP ranks with those other guys? No, don't say "well she married him and not those guys" ... maybe those other guys dumped her or else she would have wanted to marry them more. Does she "owe" it to him? That's a strong term. But not doing it implies that she was more interested in sexually pleasing her prior flings than the man she promised to be with the rest of her life.

With regard to OP's wife allowing him to unwittingly pal around with her previous ONS, that's messed up. I would feel like such a fool if my wife allowed that to happen to me. She didn't have to tell him about it necessarily, but she should have found some way to separate them to protect her husband -- the man she supposedly loves -- rather than sitting back and enjoying the show.

Bottom line, OP, as someone else said is what are you going to do about it? You can forget it, stew on it the rest of your life, divorce or cheat. That's really the only viable options. If you know you can eliminate some of them right away, you are better off.

Stewing on it will eat you up inside.
Cheating sucks.
Divorce seems harsh, but it is probably the second most viable option, unless there was a lot of dishonesty to you about her sexual past.
The best choice has to be forget it, which you already know to be true. I'm a dude, I get where you are coming from, but you are roped in here with no other graceful exit but to move past it.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Wife wanted to know how many sexual partners I’ve had. I didn’t answer. She assumed it was more than her. She’d laugh (?) if it were 2 very short term flings, no? When she asked my stomach dropped. I’m so crushed by this past of mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Wife wanted to know how many sexual partners I’ve had. I didn’t answer. She assumed it was more than her. She’d laugh (?) if it were 2 very short term flings, no? When she asked my stomach dropped. I’m so crushed by this past of mine.

OP, you have some serious issues. It's nothing to do with your wife, so stop putting it on her. It's all you. Maybe go talk to a therapist about your insecurities. Women don't laugh at men who had less experience in their youth. Are you a good lover now? That's ALL we care about. And listen to the guy at 16:41. That's how you handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Wife wanted to know how many sexual partners I’ve had. I didn’t answer. She assumed it was more than her. She’d laugh (?) if it were 2 very short term flings, no? When she asked my stomach dropped. I’m so crushed by this past of mine.

Learn to talk about it. What is there to laugh about? Whether you had 0 or 100 is irrelevant to your current life. What matters is having fun with your wife. Talk to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Wife wanted to know how many sexual partners I’ve had. I didn’t answer. She assumed it was more than her. She’d laugh (?) if it were 2 very short term flings, no? When she asked my stomach dropped. I’m so crushed by this past of mine.

Why do you think she would laugh at you? It's not really something to laugh about. I think you have very strange ideas about things, not even quite sure where you're getting them from.

I haven't been keeping up with the thread (and definitely not all the responses that keep disappearing) but has someone already asked whether you've been reading that red pill pickup artist crap lately? Maybe that's the core issue here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Wife wanted to know how many sexual partners I’ve had. I didn’t answer. She assumed it was more than her. She’d laugh (?) if it were 2 very short term flings, no? When she asked my stomach dropped. I’m so crushed by this past of mine.

So she was honest with you, but you haven’t been with her? What a piece of shit you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Wife wanted to know how many sexual partners I’ve had. I didn’t answer. She assumed it was more than her. She’d laugh (?) if it were 2 very short term flings, no? When she asked my stomach dropped. I’m so crushed by this past of mine.

Omg stoooop. You're being wildly tiresome, you know this right? Here's the deal: you can't change the past, stop fixating on this - it doesn't matter. Would recommend a total adjustment in your approach: instead of angsting and feeling a dramatic combination of bitter, aggressive, incompetent, and crushed...make it a joke. This is something you guys can laugh about / laugh off / tease each other about. This is a pretty powerful tool in marriage...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Wife wanted to know how many sexual partners I’ve had. I didn’t answer. She assumed it was more than her. She’d laugh (?) if it were 2 very short term flings, no? When she asked my stomach dropped. I’m so crushed by this past of mine.

Why do you think she would laugh at you? It's not really something to laugh about. I think you have very strange ideas about things, not even quite sure where you're getting them from.

I haven't been keeping up with the thread (and definitely not all the responses that keep disappearing) but has someone already asked whether you've been reading that red pill pickup artist crap lately? Maybe that's the core issue here.

Yupyupyup. This was my guess too. Stop reading whiny red pill rants, OP...you are doing yourself a great disservice by immersing yourself in that negative crap and it will only make you feel more unhappy and bitter. Focus on having good quality sex with your wife! Stop obsessing about the past