Wife’s past

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of us tried things early in life, due to experimenting or insecurity or peer pressure or teenage hormones or whatever, and decided that we did NOT like those things. We may have discovered early on that certain things were not enjoyable and we had no desire to ever do them again.

The fact that she tried things does not necessarily mean she enjoyed them. And if she didn’t, she is under no obligation to do them again, ever. Her sexuality isn’t a gift that she owes anyone - if she didn’t like it the first time around, why should she keep doing the same thing? And would you even want to engage in an activity that doesn’t bring her pleasure, just because she let someone else? That is thinking of her as an object to be owned, not a person you want to please.

+1. What kind of husband would force his wife to perform sexual acts she dislikes, just to assuage his ego? Answer: a real shithead.

[Anonymous]

I'm a DW who went through this problem (my DH did not like my number *at all*). Here's the thing- women like sex. We like sex with men we are attracted to. So when we meet a guy we like, we have sex with him. Guys, for whatever reason, tend to lose interest in us after we have sex. So we spend our 20s getting burnt because we like a guy, sleep with him, then get dumped and never hear from him again.

Eventually we figure out the cycle and separate guys into 2 categories- those for fun, and those for relationships. Fun guys we use for sex, because remember, we like sex, too. So we can sleep with them early on and do some crazier things with them because we don't really care if we ever see them again. With relationship guys, we set rules of "no sex for 2 months" or whatever because we know if we do it too early, the guy will bail. It's stupid, but years of being dumped, it becomes necessary. So we make you work for it for a bit and do our best to act chaste because y'all have these weird hang-ups about "slutiness".

Just some perspective. It's not that you're foolish, it's that she knew sleeping with you too early would cause you to lose interest. I know without a doubt if I had slept with my DH right away, we would not be married today.

[Anonymous]

see if you can get a hall pass like the other guy upset about his DW's past

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm married to someone who used to be a bit of a slag (and I say that lovingly). I think it's good that she sowed her wild oats and got it out of system so she doesn't have to now. We joke that she used to be an alley cat but now she's been thoroughly domesticated. We've been together 20 years and have one of the happiest marriages I know of. Let it go, OP. Her experiences made her who she is, so be glad of them (if you like the person she is... and if you don't, that's an entirely different problem).

She’s still sowing, maybe.

[Anonymous]

Hummm... so the PP above say things like:

OP sound abusive,
OP's possessiveness is unattractive,
OP needs therapy,
OP needs to grow up.

They equate him to their husbands that cheated because, in their opinion, their husbands ego couldn't handle their wives history.

The above sounds like the PP are getting a bit of a thrill out of OP's dilemma/pain. Almost as if there is some perverse joy that a woman is getting over on her man and that situation, somehow, payback to men for the plight of women throughout history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since this is an anonymous board, I'm going to be brutally honest with you OP. Late bloomer means too unattractive, creepy or something for women to be interested in you. Your wife probably loves you and finds aspects of you very appealing but married you in spite of you not being a very sexually attractive person. Women can love someone for their mind, dedication to family or for various reasons even if they are a physical dud. If you want your wife to be more active sexually then you need to get into the gym ASAP.

If you are being "honest" why not include the real reason we marry unattractive men. We marry them for their earning potential, family connections, and/or family money. Also sometimes because we are getting older feeling pressure to get married and we find what is a safe bet.

[Anonymous]

Op here. First off I’m not ugly or weird. Handsome and shy more like it. My wife actually married up in looks and no, I’m not deluded, just honest. Second I’m not abusive. I’m just shocked this old her isn’t matching up with the new. We have lots of predictable, routine type sex which is good but not as free or exciting as I think her past was. She’s a high strung lawyer now with kids (100% not cheating) so I think life is to blame for her more restrained libido.

I’m more jealous she had this experience and I didn’t. Internal reasons have lessened and external opportunities are presenting now (which weren’t there when I was younger) to grow my social circle and date/meet a ton of women (interest is heavily reciprocated). I’d never act on any of it but I do feel resentment my life has worked out backwards (inner issues and limited external opportunities when I was younger to more confidence and high external opportunities when married). That’s my frustration.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound terribly judgemental, in a passive aggressive way. She was a bit this, a tad that, "slightly this, IMO", did something disturbingly out-of-current-character way back when, slutty past, so reserved recent past as to be nearly dumped, current action level is decent without being particularly this or that, etc... Yikes! I wouldn't want a husband to be judging me this much, and so dispassionate!
Are you low testosterone?

Also, to all men out there, are we really supposed to give you a heads up before walking into a gathering "I had a one-night-stand with so-and-so 10 years ago", so you don't feel foolish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need different perspectives.

Been with my wife 13 years and we have 2 kids togetherHowever, I recently found out about her sexual past which we agreed to not really talk about but had details flushed out a bit clearer. And it's disturbed me. We have a decent sexual relationship in terms of frequency and action but not adventurous or particularly open. She's a bit reserved and made me "wait" when we first met (I actually thought about leaving her initially because I questioned why she would purposely block intimacy without an explanation and made me question what might be wrong). Most disturbing is that she had a one-night fling with a friend (despite her sexually reserved attitude with me when we first met) and other stories indicate a more free/adventurous sexual past. I remember meeting her one night fling and am really annoyed having hung around him and her together without being the wiser. It really bothers me...makes me feel kind of cucky/dopey/foolish?

Second to that, she seemed far more sexual with the men in her past. I feel she lost her virginity a bit young IMO and her number was surprisingly high (if you were to guess based on her personality and lifestory, I don't think you'd get it right) and did some mildly slutty things when that the person I know really wouldn't do. I was a late bloomer that had sex with 2 different women 4 times prior to her keeping in mind I met her at 22. Nobody knows this and nobody would believe it given my personality and looks. I'm kind of jealous and shocked of her past even though it would likely be pretty tame considering most of the stories I hear.

Thoughts?

If this were not true you really would not care. If you want to appear to her like a complete and total chump, make a big deal out of her past. Otherwise, just get over it. She was sluttier in the past with others for the simple reason that "new" sex with people you don't intimately well is almost always more adventurous sex. Paradoxically, people are more inhibited in intimate relationships and also desire is just lower with familiarity. That's just life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. First off I’m not ugly or weird. Handsome and shy more like it. My wife actually married up in looks and no, I’m not deluded, just honest. Second I’m not abusive. I’m just shocked this old her isn’t matching up with the new. We have lots of predictable, routine type sex which is good but not as free or exciting as I think her past was. She’s a high strung lawyer now with kids (100% not cheating) so I think life is to blame for her more restrained libido.

I’m more jealous she had this experience and I didn’t. Internal reasons have lessened and external opportunities are presenting now (which weren’t there when I was younger) to grow my social circle and date/meet a ton of women (interest is heavily reciprocated). I’d never act on any of it but I do feel resentment my life has worked out backwards (inner issues and limited external opportunities when I was younger to more confidence and high external opportunities when married). That’s my frustration.

Ok, well, at least you recognize this. Now you have to do something about it.

Honestly, even if she had no past at all and was a virgin, you would STILL feel a desire to cheat due to new opportunities and a lack of your own sexual past. That is just human nature.

Question is, what are you doing to do about it? I am a woman not a man, so I don't know what to suggest to you that would be satisfying both morally and sexually. For me, when I get attracted to someone outside of my relationship I just imagine that person during sex with my husband or masturbate. It works surprisingly well.

[Anonymous]

You sound so judgemental. Describing your wife as “slutty” is f-ed up and disrespectful. And you don’t approve of the age she lost her virginity because you were older? Gross.

I’m in the same boat as your wife- I slept with plenty of people on my 20s but when I met my now-husband we didn’t sleep together for the first month or so (because I thought it had serious potential).

It’s very easy for women to rack up a high number between a few boyfriends, a few people you casually date, a few one night stands, etc. After a few years it can easily be double digits.

There is nothing you can do now. Just stop thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Used slutty as a crude adjective in a living way.

I wouldn’t want our daughter or even son to lose it that early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound terribly judgemental, in a passive aggressive way. She was a bit this, a tad that, "slightly this, IMO", did something disturbingly out-of-current-character way back when, slutty past, so reserved recent past as to be nearly dumped, current action level is decent without being particularly this or that, etc... Yikes! I wouldn't want a husband to be judging me this much, and so dispassionate!
Are you low testosterone?

Also, to all men out there, are we really supposed to give you a heads up before walking into a gathering "I had a one-night-stand with so-and-so 10 years ago", so you don't feel foolish?

PP here. OMG, and I wrote you sound terribly judgemental and seem to be the one without passion for your wife before I even read your statement that she "actually married up in looks." Yuck!

Folks, any chance OP might not be real?

[Anonymous]

You hit the nail on the head in your post: you are jealous.

It's been a LONG TIME. You have two kids. This is not something to get worked up about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife doesn't owe you anything.

You honestly sound like you need a good therapist.

Why is this the go to answer for everything related to male insecurities? His ego is kinda crushed. Believe it or not, that's kinda important.

Everyone is telling him it's stupid to get his ego crushed over something that happened 15 years ago and was wholly unrelated to him.