WWYD? Serious BF dropped a bombshell on me

[Anonymous]

For me, personally, he sounds ideal but it sounds like he's not the right guy for you. I think most guys in particular tend to become more conservative as they get older and settle down, so if his position bothers you now it's likely you will find yourself increasingly at odds as the years go on. It sounds like you would both be happier with someone with more similar views.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't usually get involved in these 'mama wars' threads, because I see both sides. It's obvious to me that kids do much better with a good (!) SAHP, but it's also obvious to me that not everyone can or wants to be that. And that's okay.

In this case, while I technically agree that it's more likely that the kids would do well with a SAHP, I think that the guy needs therapy. He has trauma and issues from his childhood that need to be resolved before even thinking about starting a family. You may come to the same realization, but it shouldn't come from a feeling of expectation and DESPERATION because he wants to avoid his past and his parents' mistakes. It should come from a reasonable thought process that involves thinking about the specific parties, their strenghts and weaknesses, desires, goals, etc.

I'd say it's a dealbreaker because it doesn't sound like he loves you and wants a family with YOU. It sounds like he has an idea in his head and is trying to find someone to fit into it. That would be a dealbreaker for me personally.

good point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he make enough to support a family? Most guys don't, so this conversation is a non starter.

He does actually, I don’t know specifics regarding #s but, considering where he lives, what kind of car he drives, his hobbies, etc., I think he makes what I consider to be a lot of money (I would guess high six figures).

That’s also why his staying at home is a total non starter. He owns and runs his own successful business. He’s not going to give that up.

I would be careful about assigning expectations of income on consumption.

What is his career; is it very demanding? How stable? If he comes from a poor family, that means you don't have the built in safety net of parents with money to help out if things go south (like let's say he owned a travel agency in the 90s, his business could be disrupted).

But it sounds like he expects to be the role for the provider, and you are in charge of the family (likely whether you work or not). Just try to puzzle out how things will go down if life doesn't go as expected b/c it often doesn't.

The unhappiest people I know are those who live with great expectations. Flexibility and gratitude can make life much better.

[Anonymous]

It all comes down to whether he is flexible on this and OP needs to figure that out. It can be "important" to him but he may ultimately be willing to compromise. It's not a deal breaker until OP has a definite answer on that.

OP, the next time it comes up, I would explain to him why that's not something YOU would want to do. Make it about you personally, and why having a career is important and how you see that playing into having a family, and how you would want your future spouse to be supportive of that just as you would support him. Don't make it about how "this is 2017" and it's old-fashioned to think like that. You need to figure out if there's any wiggle room with him on this before you have a knee-jerk reaction and start questioning your entire relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he make enough to support a family? Most guys don't, so this conversation is a non starter.

He does actually, I don’t know specifics regarding #s but, considering where he lives, what kind of car he drives, his hobbies, etc., I think he makes what I consider to be a lot of money (I would guess high six figures).

That’s also why his staying at home is a total non starter. He owns and runs his own successful business. He’s not going to give that up.

I would be careful about assigning expectations of income on consumption.

What is his career; is it very demanding? How stable? If he comes from a poor family, that means you don't have the built in safety net of parents with money to help out if things go south (like let's say he owned a travel agency in the 90s, his business could be disrupted).

But it sounds like he expects to be the role for the provider, and you are in charge of the family (likely whether you work or not). Just try to puzzle out how things will go down if life doesn't go as expected b/c it often doesn't.

The unhappiest people I know are those who live with great expectations. Flexibility and gratitude can make life much better.

He works in asset management investing people's money. I know how much is in the fund and it's a lot. I don't know anything else about it though. I don't know much about that industry in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, personally, he sounds ideal but it sounds like he's not the right guy for you. I think most guys in particular tend to become more conservative as they get older and settle down, so if his position bothers you now it's likely you will find yourself increasingly at odds as the years go on. It sounds like you would both be happier with someone with more similar views.

also a good point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I've kind of been in this situation but there were some important differences.

First, my husband had a good childhood that he was probably trying to replicate, which I think is a little different from trying to create a chance for a redo. He had a traditional upbringing, religious background, SAHM, Catholic school k-12, etc. So it was his idea that I SAH and it was something he really wanted me to do.

I was willing to try because a.) I hated my job at the time and b.) I did go back to it for a while and he was fine with that. He also sounds like your boyfriend in that he's a high earner, ambitious and hard working, also owns his own business, etc. So he works a lot and we have a pretty traditional breakdown along gender lines.

It works for now. I've really enjoyed being at home with the kids and it's nice to know that he appreciates what I do. He tells me all the time.

I think this is fairly unusual when it comes to SAHMs. It certainly seems so from the women I know irl and on here who complain about lack of gratitude.

[Anonymous]

He sounds controlling. I'd steer clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be most worried that he sees kids as his chance to relive his childhood. Any actual kids won't cooperate with that fantasy.

Oh come on!!!! You are grasping and you know it.

That is OP's interpretation of what he wants. And every single one of us wanted our kids to have better childhoods than we had. I see absolutely nothing wrong with what this guys is saying.

When a woman on DCUM tries to defend her SAH status all of you chime in to support her, but a guy can't voice his preference for this.[/quote]

np The difference is the fact that he is dictating his wants onto another person! If he said, I believe that a parent should stay at home and asked her thoughts on staying at home than that is ok.
But, if the man says "You will stay home with the children until I say it is ok to work than it is NOT ok. Who knows op maybe if they married and had kids she would want to choose to stay at home but, it feels different if you are not given any choice in the matter. That is where the problem lies.

Op, I would explore this further. I would not marry him until we had fully discussed this detail because it is HUGE. Tell him that it is unfair to put you in a box when you don't even have children yet. If he can't remain flexible and at least say I will let you decide what you want to do with your life, with children than he is not the one you should marry. Or you will be disappointed/upset when he makes it clear how you should only stay at home.

[Anonymous]

I would simply acknowledge the benefits of having a parent stay home. Then raise your very valid (!) concerns and why families usually need both parent to work. Depending on your earning capacity, I would ask if he would want to stay home if it's so important to him. Presumably, he would say no for x,y, z reasons and you say "I feel the same for x,y,z reasons." He will either drop it and acknowledge that he needs to read up on gender dynamics.

I personally would not stay home nor have my spouse stay home. I have worked my ass off for my career and would not be a good SAHM. Also I make more money. Finally, I would be disgusted if my husband assumed that i should be the stay at home parent because i was a woman. I probably wouldn't raise kids with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he make enough to support a family? Most guys don't, so this conversation is a non starter.

He does actually, I don’t know specifics regarding #s but, considering where he lives, what kind of car he drives, his hobbies, etc., I think he makes what I consider to be a lot of money (I would guess high six figures).

That’s also why his staying at home is a total non starter. He owns and runs his own successful business. He’s not going to give that up.

I would be careful about assigning expectations of income on consumption.

What is his career; is it very demanding? How stable? If he comes from a poor family, that means you don't have the built in safety net of parents with money to help out if things go south (like let's say he owned a travel agency in the 90s, his business could be disrupted).

But it sounds like he expects to be the role for the provider, and you are in charge of the family (likely whether you work or not). Just try to puzzle out how things will go down if life doesn't go as expected b/c it often doesn't.

The unhappiest people I know are those who live with great expectations. Flexibility and gratitude can make life much better.

He works in asset management investing people's money. I know how much is in the fund and it's a lot. I don't know anything else about it though. I don't know much about that industry in general.

Whoa. Travel agency joke was very apropos. Asset management is being heavily squeezed by the rush to index and ETF, as well as roboadvisors and AI investing. Right now a lot of baby boomers need hand holding and your BF is getting his cut, but I really would want to have a 2nd income unless you have wealth parents or his mom remarried a wealthy stepfather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to him more about it. Maybe he thinks you'd like that and said that because he'd also like it but it isn't a deal breaker to him.

No I kind of freaked out. I said “are you joking? It’s not 1950.” And then he went on to explain about his dad abandoning them, as if that had anything to do with anything in the present. He basically said it’s really important to him and that’s where we left it.

Has he been to therapy ever?

OP here. Not that I know of. We're still getting to know each other though so maybe he has been and it just hasn't come up.

NP. This is key. You've only been dating for 6 months! As you get to know him, you'll figure out how his childhood continues to affect him as an adult. Because it does (even if you aren't connecting the dots), it's just a matter of how much it's still affecting him. Maybe he's had therapy, maybe he hasn't. That wouldn't be as important to me as long as he seems well-adjusted overall. It actually sounds to me like he has some level of self-awareness if he's relating his views on family back to his own childhood. You just need to flush all of this out more as the relationship gets more serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he make enough to support a family? Most guys don't, so this conversation is a non starter.

He does actually, I don’t know specifics regarding #s but, considering where he lives, what kind of car he drives, his hobbies, etc., I think he makes what I consider to be a lot of money (I would guess high six figures).

That’s also why his staying at home is a total non starter. He owns and runs his own successful business. He’s not going to give that up.

I would be careful about assigning expectations of income on consumption.

What is his career; is it very demanding? How stable? If he comes from a poor family, that means you don't have the built in safety net of parents with money to help out if things go south (like let's say he owned a travel agency in the 90s, his business could be disrupted).

But it sounds like he expects to be the role for the provider, and you are in charge of the family (likely whether you work or not). Just try to puzzle out how things will go down if life doesn't go as expected b/c it often doesn't.

The unhappiest people I know are those who live with great expectations. Flexibility and gratitude can make life much better.

He works in asset management investing people's money. I know how much is in the fund and it's a lot. I don't know anything else about it though. I don't know much about that industry in general.

Whoa. Travel agency joke was very apropos. Asset management is being heavily squeezed by the rush to index and ETF, as well as roboadvisors and AI investing. Right now a lot of baby boomers need hand holding and your BF is getting his cut, but I really would want to have a 2nd income unless you have wealth parents or his mom remarried a wealthy stepfather.

I don't want to get into the specifics but he's taken this into consideration. It's actually a quant fund with very low fees. That's one of his selling points.

[Anonymous]

Just say I'd like to at least work part time - how do you feel about that? If he is flexible then he loves you for you. If he is not I would just feel like a baby machine. Suppose you can't even get pregnant - what then? Does he still love you? Suppose you hate being a SAH mom - does he still love you? Why is he such damaged goods exactly?

Frankly if this were me at that age I would have run for my life, but as I've gotten older I've realized that people change. Even me.

[Anonymous]

OP just out of curiosity how old is he?