Help me not have an affair

[Anonymous]

In the end, life is dissapointing but for some reason we will not let go of a dream that will not happen. Like Solomon said at the end of his life of having literally everything .. "It's all vanity . It's chasing the wind. In the end it's God and his will that is everything." Nobody escapes . This fact is not popular but when shriveled and dying the world looks pretty insignificant . The power of denial is huge in people.

[Anonymous]

Affair veteran here - retired because affairs just aren't worth the hassle. Here is what will happen if you sleep with him:

1) the sex will be everything you imagine or close enough, that you will fall in love. Women are really bad at compartmentalizing affairs, so your love for your new man will trump your love for your husband. If you are really careful, you might not get caught, but since you work with him you probably will because so many witnesses. Either way, you will end up in love with an unattainable man who will break your hard and put a strain on your job and probably ruin your marriage.

2) the sex will not be that great. Your bubble will burst. You will have to navigate extreme awkwardness at work, probably cost your job. If you are the guilty feeling the guilt will consume you. You may confess to husband and blow tons on therapy but never get back to where you are now.

The exception to this is if you really are that unicorn woman that can sport fuck and not have feelings, but your post indicates you already have feelings.

Point being - don't do it. Keep the sexual tension if you can bring it home to hubby. Your hubby has tons of hot fantasies of other women. Totally normal.

Oh, and until you meet his wife and she encourages you to sleep with him, he isn't in an open marriage.

[Anonymous]

So this person could range in age from approx 65 to 74?? Wtf? That's repulsive.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you so much for the replies. The people who have been through it, especially 16:46,
The people who resisted, even those of you who are giving kidding replies. This is a potential life-changing situation for me and my family. I value your honesty.

I've never cheated on my husband. In high school and college, I cheated on boyfriends. So yes,
Cheating is an issue for me, but my marriage is pure.

I don't know the detail of the man's open marriage, other than that he told me and a couple others once on a train that his wife never wanted to be monogamous and that they have an open marriage. I believe it truly is an open marriage. I also know that he loves her and would never leave her. That is beyond question.

As sexual as this feels, I think someone hit the nail on the head when they said this isn't sexual. I'm like a drowning person and these feelings have come up like a life raft and I'm hanging onto them because nothing else feels good. Parenting is hard.
Marriage is hard. Work is hard. Nothing is joyful and fun except this.

I'm not a religious person. But I'm praying I can resist and get through the corresponding letdown and depression that will come with letting go of this flirtation. I'm frankly not sure I am strong enough.

What I know is something basic I learned when I was dating: if you cannot be 100% you around someone, warts and all, then it's all wrong. The truth is that I can't be totally myself around this man. Details aren't necessary here; lets just say we aren't soul mates. My sweet husband a
has always accepted me as who I am. This man, even in the work context, has not. Enough said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for the replies. The people who have been through it, especially 16:46,
The people who resisted, even those of you who are giving kidding replies. This is a potential life-changing situation for me and my family. I value your honesty.

I've never cheated on my husband. In high school and college, I cheated on boyfriends. So yes,
Cheating is an issue for me, but my marriage is pure.

I don't know the detail of the man's open marriage, other than that he told me and a couple others once on a train that his wife never wanted to be monogamous and that they have an open marriage. I believe it truly is an open marriage. I also know that he loves her and would never leave her. That is beyond question.

As sexual as this feels, I think someone hit the nail on the head when they said this isn't sexual. I'm like a drowning person and these feelings have come up like a life raft and I'm hanging onto them because nothing else feels good. Parenting is hard.
Marriage is hard. Work is hard. Nothing is joyful and fun except this.

I'm not a religious person. But I'm praying I can resist and get through the corresponding letdown and depression that will come with letting go of this flirtation. I'm frankly not sure I am strong enough.

What I know is something basic I learned when I was dating: if you cannot be 100% you around someone, warts and all, then it's all wrong. The truth is that I can't be totally myself around this man. Details aren't necessary here; lets just say we aren't soul mates. My sweet husband a
has always accepted me as who I am. This man, even in the work context, has not. Enough said.

Make sure that something in your life is joyful and fun other than this old creeper. Take some time off and do something fun for yourself! Go to Vegas with your DH and NO KIDS! Take a cooking/horseback riding/yoga/tennis class. Get a vibrator if you need to get off hard.

It will totally collapse your job. I agree that people already know. Cut it off. Take a sick day tomorrow and get your stuff together.

[Anonymous]

I had an affair 15 years ago with a man that was 14 years older then me. I was a young mother at the time and I think I was just a bored lonely housewife. My affair partner did some work on our house. The chemistry was off the charts! I felt so alive! I too suffered PPD. I became obsessed. He consumed my thoughts. The affair lasted a year and my husband only found out about it 3 years ago when he found a text between me and another person discussing the affair.
My life has been hell ever since my husband found out. We are trying to make it work but it is a lot if work! My kids know about it because of the fighting and I am ashamed of what I did. Mostly, I feel bad for the time I took away from my young family while I was obsessing over this guy. I was there physically but mentally I was somewhere else.

I chose to end the affair because in reality I did not want to leave . It was very hard to walk away and it took several attempts. I went through awful withdraw. I wish I had never gotten involved with this person. I want my old boring life back. The innocence is gone. My husband and I have been together since high school. He Truley is an amazing man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair 15 years ago with a man that was 14 years older then me. I was a young mother at the time and I think I was just a bored lonely housewife. My affair partner did some work on our house. The chemistry was off the charts! I felt so alive! I too suffered PPD. I became obsessed. He consumed my thoughts. The affair lasted a year and my husband only found out about it 3 years ago when he found a text between me and another person discussing the affair.
My life has been hell ever since my husband found out. We are trying to make it work but it is a lot if work! My kids know about it because of the fighting and I am ashamed of what I did. Mostly, I feel bad for the time I took away from my young family while I was obsessing over this guy. I was there physically but mentally I was somewhere else.

I chose to end the affair because in reality I did not want to leave . It was very hard to walk away and it took several attempts. I went through awful withdraw. I wish I had never gotten involved with this person. I want my old boring life back. The innocence is gone. My husband and I have been together since high school. He Truley is an amazing man.

How did you get over him? I've been unsuccessful with getting over the married man I slept with. It's pathetic. I'm married and have a great life. I shouldn't even care to speak with him. He's a complete ass.

[Anonymous]

He old enough to be you DADDy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair 15 years ago with a man that was 14 years older then me. I was a young mother at the time and I think I was just a bored lonely housewife. My affair partner did some work on our house. The chemistry was off the charts! I felt so alive! I too suffered PPD. I became obsessed. He consumed my thoughts. The affair lasted a year and my husband only found out about it 3 years ago when he found a text between me and another person discussing the affair.
My life has been hell ever since my husband found out. We are trying to make it work but it is a lot if work! My kids know about it because of the fighting and I am ashamed of what I did. Mostly, I feel bad for the time I took away from my young family while I was obsessing over this guy. I was there physically but mentally I was somewhere else.

I chose to end the affair because in reality I did not want to leave . It was very hard to walk away and it took several attempts. I went through awful withdraw. I wish I had never gotten involved with this person. I want my old boring life back. The innocence is gone. My husband and I have been together since high school. He Truley is an amazing man.

How did you get over him? I've been unsuccessful with getting over the married man I slept with. It's pathetic. I'm married and have a great life. I shouldn't even care to speak with him. He's a complete ass.

It took time. I went no contact and really tried to focus on my family and stay busy. Easier said then done. Lol. I eventually became pregnant with my husbands baby and that baby was bor very early. (24 weeks). That crisis totally made me refocus and the guilt I had for almost destroying my family was more then I could imagine. I felt like God was punishing me.
Time really does help. Stayin no contact is key.
There is a website called surviving infidelity and they gave some great articles about withdraw. I wish it was there for me back then, but glad to have it now .

[Anonymous]

To me it sounds like the possible affair could be part of a larger mental health episode. Could you be cycling from depression to hypomania?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: That crisis totally made me refocus.

In some ways, affairs seem like a luxury for people without real challenges in their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair 15 years ago with a man that was 14 years older then me. I was a young mother at the time and I think I was just a bored lonely housewife. My affair partner did some work on our house. The chemistry was off the charts! I felt so alive! I too suffered PPD. I became obsessed. He consumed my thoughts. The affair lasted a year and my husband only found out about it 3 years ago when he found a text between me and another person discussing the affair.
My life has been hell ever since my husband found out. We are trying to make it work but it is a lot if work! My kids know about it because of the fighting and I am ashamed of what I did. Mostly, I feel bad for the time I took away from my young family while I was obsessing over this guy. I was there physically but mentally I was somewhere else.

I chose to end the affair because in reality I did not want to leave . It was very hard to walk away and it took several attempts. I went through awful withdraw. I wish I had never gotten involved with this person. I want my old boring life back. The innocence is gone. My husband and I have been together since high school. He Truley is an amazing man.

How did you get over him? I've been unsuccessful with getting over the married man I slept with. It's pathetic. I'm married and have a great life. I shouldn't even care to speak with him. He's a complete ass.

It took time. I went no contact and really tried to focus on my family and stay busy. Easier said then done. Lol. I eventually became pregnant with my husbands baby and that baby was bor very early. (24 weeks). That crisis totally made me refocus and the guilt I had for almost destroying my family was more then I could imagine. I felt like God was punishing me.
Time really does help. Stayin no contact is key.
There is a website called surviving infidelity and they gave some great articles about withdraw. I wish it was there for me back then, but glad to have it now .

This helped me. Thank you

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. My husband had an emotional affair with a coworker and I am absolutely destroyed that he could do this to me and our kids. There are real implications. Is the sex worth having to split custody of your kids? Missing half of their milestones?

I get it... I've fantasizes and flirted. But the chase is soooooo much more intoxicating than the kill. Enjoy the butterflies and go home to your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me it sounds like the possible affair could be part of a larger mental health episode. Could you be cycling from depression to hypomania?

To me (NP) it sounds like it could be simply a case of raging hormones. This happens to lots of pre-menopausal women in their 40s. It happened to me and I was almost crazy with horniness and inappropriate longings in my 40s (especially the later 40s). I think the body goes into hormonal hyperdrive before the big collapse. I think that if you can attribute some of your intoxication to a hormonal swing that happens to many women in your age group, then maybe it will help you to put it in perspective and put it behind you.

Maybe you can redirect your fantasy life to a less dangerous target rather than a work mentor who could cost you your job.

Anything new can become all-consuming when it takes us out of the doldrums. What helped me to snap out of it was nearly losing my marriage and finally really truly coming face to face with what mattered most in life to me: my family. I will be paying the price in guilt for the rest of my life, though my husband has long since forgiven me and we have been in a calm and healthy place for many years since my late-40s psycho-hormonal case of Extraordinarily Poor Judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How will you ever know if he's your soul mate if you don't bump uglies with him?

PP, I like you. You always give the same advice, goading people to have an affair!