Help me not have an affair

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband that the other guy is checking you out and ask his advice. It's not admitting to anything on your part, but I guarantee the minute you put this guy on your husband's radar screen, you will look at the other man differently.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe for a second his marriage is open.

[Anonymous]

He'd probably give you the herp (open marriage and all that).

[Anonymous]

Also, your coworkers will know if they don't know already. Shut it down now.
Let him get to up excited but then go home to your husband
The is will not end well. It's your career too. Find another outlet.

[Anonymous]

Go ahead and sleep with him. If that's how much you care about your marriage, why should I care?

[Anonymous]

Because it's typical middle angst (class & age). Everything is okay so let's see how I can fuck it up for kids and my husband.
Why do guys get married and have kids - it's financial suicide.

[Anonymous]

Go ahead, shit where you eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why do guys get married and have kids - it's financial suicide.

You got that right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my forties with a full but enviable plate -husband and I both have great but challenging jobs, beuautiful young kids, attractive and in shape, pretty good finances, good health.

It wasn't easy getting here, though. We've been together for many years now and he is my best friend and I love him.

But I had PPD with our last kid and went through a tortuous time at work for the past year or two. And recently, I'm so embarrassed to even say this, I cannot stop thinking about sleeping with someone at my job who is almost 25 years older. This person is my mentor and an incredible person. He's married with kids, but I know from long ago that he is in an open marriage. He's charming and larger than life, probably the most important man in my life other than my dad and husband.

So for the past few months, something changed between me and this man. There's suddenly chemistry.

He's checking me out. I'm checking him out. I'm literally dressing for him in the morning.
We are exchanging cute flirty emails. We're both appropriately flustered at times and other times, staring too long at each other's faces. I know those of you reading this might think what I am describing is gross, but it's the hottest thing I've dealt with in many years. I go home and have awesome sex with my husband pretending it's the other man. I literally cannot stop thinking about him. I'm having more fun and am happier than I've been in a long time,
but for the wrong reasons.

But I am a grown up. I may want to have crazy sex with this man, but I don't want to risk losing my husband and kids and this life I've worked so hard to build.

What should I do? Therapy? Please help.

How many prior affairs have you had?

[Anonymous]

The situation is not really sexual, though that is how it is manifesting itself. The reality is that you are depressed, empty, and bored. The office sexual interest is an escape which perks you up.

The sexual encounter could be great, but the other side will not be so great. Be honest with yourself and see if there is not something else at work here.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Read Shirley Glass Not Just Friends. Have a conversation with your husband about crushes and mention this one. Once you diffuse the secrecy (in Glass's terms, maintain the windows and doors in appropriate places), the appeal will fade. Or it won't and you'll know more about how much you actually value your marriage and family.

[Anonymous]

Have the fantasy, not the affair. The fantasy is getting you excited to go to work, putting a little pep in your step and improving your sex life with your husband. The affair will almost certainly destroy the personal AND professional lives that you have built. You're being ridiculous and you know it. Maybe a therapist would help.

[Anonymous]

Love is a drug. Don't get addicted. You will end up with more than a hang over. Your fantasy will pass.

[Anonymous]

It's all been said already, but I was there. I was you. And I didn't stop it before we crossed the line. As previous posters mentioned:

1.) I fell in love. Deeply. I think he did too. Said he did. I walked away from my long-term relationship (I wasn't married; no kids). He didn't. It devastated me. We had a torrid, on-and-off love affair for years that emotionally wrecked me. I finally walked away and, years later, I actually still have some piece of me that aches for him. I would do anything to go back and slap myself hard across the face and tell myself not to do it. Not to get closer to him. To find a way to shut it down.

2.) If #1 doesn't happen, then truly it's because of what others have said: the reality is nowhere near the fantasy you have going on right now.

3.) DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPACT EVEN THE FLIRTING ETC WILL HAVE ON YOUR JOB. I know the energy you're talking about. Other people can feel that too. They can see it. And they will talk. TRUST ME. And all of a sudden, your life's work is suddenly viewed in a different light. Even before he and I started the affair, suddenly people were talking about me behind my back, saying we were. I was the number one billing associate in the law firm. Clients loved me. Every partner I worked for wanted me on their cases because of my work ethic. My work product. I was a year from making partner. And then... everything I had earned was suddenly viewed as something that was given to me because I was fucking a partner. I got to go to a conference and someone else didn't? I got the bonus and they didn't? I got the case assignment and they didn't? I got to argue a motion and they didn't? All because of the relationship, not because I had earned it. This all happened BEFORE we even did anything and still it completely destroyed the reputation I had earned at work. Things only got worse as we actually progressed with the affair. God, how awful it all became. Everyone at the office could tell, even though no one ever really "caught" us. I'm so deeply embarrassed by it all now. And pained. Eventually, someone in management was alerted and they had IT read our emails. Again, while they were incriminating, they weren't absolute proof of the affair. We were told that one of us had to go. Guess which one of us it ended up being?

I finally did the right thing. I ended it, because he was never going to. And I left the career I had spent 8 years building. And I moved 5 states away to get away from the reputation ruin and the heartache.

People are going to tell you it's a terrible thing to do to your husband and your children. They're right, of course. But trust me when I tell you that it will also ruin your job. People will know and people will talk. They're probably already talking about the glances and the heated energy. Ask yourself what the real life consequences are of having every single person in your office talking about you and him behind your back. Please don't do it. Take a week off. Go on vacation with your husband. Get it out of your mind. When you get back, do whatever you need to do to put some distance between you for a little while (emails instead of in-office visits on work only matters). Please don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been feeling similarly and posted something like "good marriage but attracted to other guy" recently. Think of your family, of your children, of the security that your life with your husband brings. Think of the times your husband has shared milestones with you and imagine yourself telling him you slept with this guy and how he'd react.

And remember the other guy smells at times, has gross bathroom habits, snores, etc - just like your husband.

But ... did you get past it?