New baby and in-laws (venting)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her mom is staying with her for longer because she lives far away, I do not see any preferential treatment, beyond the obvious fact that this is her own mother who is helping her in a way she needs. This is a very common issue with in laws. New moms need time to bond and rest, I really feel like if family is visiting during the early stages, the visits should be short and helpful (if this is what the new mom wants).

An hour a week is too much when they live nearby and there's a new baby? I don't even understand this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are coming over to bond with their grandchild. And they are also "helping" you by holding your child for an hour or two while you shower/nap/surf DCUM/whatever. You admit that you're being selfish. You admit that you are treating your in-laws differently from your own parents. You refer to some joking comment your MIL made as some sort of proof that MIL is trying to steal your baby. Face it, you are hormonal and selfish. I can't believe your husband hasn't stepped in to insist that you stop this nonsense.

But whatever, go ahead and alienate the relatives that live 10 minutes away. Teach them that they're not welcome and that you don't want them to have a relationship with your child (that's what you're doing). Just don't come back here in 1-2 years griping about how you have no close family to help out/babysit nearby. I feel bad for your relatives.

My SIL was like you. She had her first when she was very young. Her second, my brother's first was the first grandchild for my parents. Of course they wanted to see the grand baby as much as they could - they were so excited until SIL pushed them away. Word got back that SIL was telling everyone that grandparents were going to steal her baby. Grandparents backed off. Once the baby was older and SIL needed a break or a sitter, it dawned on her that her baby had not seen her grandparents in almost a year (they live 5 miles away). I guess she figured out that it was because of her because she would ask my brother to ask the grandparent to watch the baby. Grand parents said yes in the beginning until they realized they were being used so that SIL could go out on girl nights (her husband worked variable shifts so was not always available). It was very hard for them but they started saying no to these requests. This of course pissed off the SIL that the grandparents were not interested in their grand child. Their relationships have been ruined...all because the SIL failed to realize that a grandparent is a key person in a child's life. Granting them a few hours a week to watch the baby is NOTHING but pure selfishness. How would you feel if your daughter in law keeps you away from your grandchild?

No, your parents threw a fit when your SIL asked for some space and refused to see the baby for a year.
It wasn't good enough when SIL tried to make peace with them and hope they came around so they dig their heels in further and estranged themselves instead of returning the peace. Even from your version of events that's obvious

I didn't read anything about the parents throwing a fit. Sounds like sil is a selfish wack job.

[Anonymous]

MIL's are nice but they are no replacement for your own mom who understands your needs whether your own mom lives nearby or far away. That is all.

[Anonymous]

If my inlaws were showing up every weekend I would lose my mind. Tell your husband that you need some space and that the too frequent visits are putting a strain on your relationship with your inlaws. Have him tell your inlaws that they can come next on ___ day. Even spacing it out every other week, I think, would really improve things for you.

[Anonymous]

OMG, this is exactly why I made sure my mom came and stayed with me for the first month after childbirth. It kept my in laws at bay during that month. They're still very overbearing, but I set limits with DH -- they're not in town but they initially wanted to visit constantly, and the last thing in the world I wanted was overnight visitors for 3-4 days while I was topless half the time and DH and I were both super tired and at our worst. They are also not the helpful type. They just wanted to sit around and hold the baby for 5 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, seeing the baby every week is not a lot. Be thankful for that. Of this was every day that would be a problem. So you will need their help since they are in town and can help watch the baby of you need to do things. Believe me, I know! I'm in the same boat. Don't burn that bridge. Sometimes you need to suck it up.

Yes, once a week us a lot. It is.

This isn't the week OP came home. This is weeks after. I get it. I didn't allow my inlaws to come to the hospital and they were around minimally the first week I was home because I was a wreck and my patents were there. When my parents left and my husband went back to work I needed some help getting to appointments (I wasn't allowed to drive) and eventually with some child care. They were there for that. When I was a kid I saw my grandparents every day. Think of your child. Thad what I often do. They will love to see their grandparents once a week or more. Yes, your husband needs to manage his family but trust me, don't burn that bridge and ruin the relationship. You will need them!

[Anonymous]

Your mom only lives an hour away. Why does she have to stay for two days?

[Anonymous]

Remember it is your husband child too and his family deserves as much access to the child as yours. If you don't want to see them for the short time they are there, go take a nap or, if you feel up to it, go out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I get what you mean.
Your mother comes to help and support you, your inlaws come to get to the baby.
I get it.
You don't want someone to come and take the baby away from you. Which is what your inlaws are doing and thinking it's helpful. You are a new mom and want to do for your own baby and handing her off doesn't help you.
Your mom comes to help you so you can take care of the baby. Which is how it's supposed to be.
I'm sorry people are trying to make you feel bad about dealing with people who wanted to "help" by taking your less than 1 week baby from you.
I think this calls for some direct and clear communication. You need to just tell them and your DH very plainly what you have told us "I don't want to be separated from my baby. I know that you think it's helping, but I want to be the one to take care of her, it doesn't feel good to me to have you do the things I have hoped, dreamed and prayed about being able to do. It makes me feel badly when you keep trying to take her from me.
What I would like in terms of help is______ (and then make sure they include baby things, not taking out your trash).
I don't know if other new moms feel this way, but I really feel strongly to take care of DC and I ask that you respect my wishes.
(I don't know if it's the weather or what, but there have been a lot more mean comments on this site than usual. I hope you can weed through them.)

The baby is 5 WEEKS old, not 5 days old. Yet it is too much for OP to allow one visit per week from her in-town relatives, and she's still using a C-section as an excuse.

It's been 5 week of them hounding OP for visits, not helping and making her feel badly after she was in the hospital for almost a week post birth. I had an awful time with a Csection and was still in pain and exhausted after a month of dealing with infection, surgical pain, bladder spasms on top of round the clock nursing of a newborn. It can be very difficult and exhausting.
There is no other major surgery where the patient is required to take care of a newborn. Trying sending a GI resection patient a baby to take care of on top of their intestinal repair surgery and host visits and let me know how many unhelpful visitors are ok and when.

Op here, thanks so much for this! It has been a hard recovery--the day of the c-section I also ended up on mag sulfate-I had finally woken up and was trying to work on breastfeeding when my MIL and SIL came to the hospital uninvited, I then felt like I had to stop what I was doing to hand her over and entertain them regardless of the fact that I couldn't even see straight and was on pain killers and anti nauseous medicine. I also ended up with post-partum PIH and ended up at the ER twice then was admitted the 3rd time-all the while dealing with my MIL and her lack of understanding that I was in tons of pain and am still recovering. For those on here that have suggested I have PPD I don't but thank you for your support and concern (I hope you can hear the sarcasm). My MIL will not be happy with visits 1x a week for an hour, I have asked my husband to clarify how much time she needs to come over so that we can stop having this discussion and he thinks she doesn't know--she wants us to need her, she has mentioned coming over after work and staying till midnight to help but that is when my husband watches her and he doesn't want to give up that time. My MIL also sends me numerous texts checking in on me when I am home alone, if we have a pediatrician appointment she texts me- if she doesn't get the info she wants she also texts my husband) Also, before the baby was born she sent me a long ass email stating her concerns about my ability to select a daycare (this was the pivotal point in her behavior changing)-my husband always says that her intentions are well meaning but even he states that she is crossing a line and he is starting to get angry, the whole situation is exhausting!!!

[Anonymous]

^ I think you're sending mixed messages. You seem miserable and need help and then seem resentful when help is offered. I get that you are exhausted and hormonal. I'm just offering you a perspective that may help you understand the situation better.

Be clear about what you want and don't want. You don't need to kick people out of your house. But you also don't need to cater to them or let them throw you off your routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom only lives an hour away. Why does she have to stay for two days?

Go away! Some people lover their moms.

[Anonymous]

Shut it down, OP. She sounds awful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Decide how often you can deal with seeing them--once every other week for late afternoon/dinner? Get on the same page with DH about it. Communicate the schedule to them.

Practice saying, "We have no plans to leave the baby overnight with anyone. If that changes and we need help, we will let you know."

Ignore their comments about your mom. None of their business. If you respond, you're teaching them that you owe them an explanation, and you don't.

Let go of wanting/needing their approval. You don't. Let go of thinking you need to understand them. You don't.

Thanks for this just needed some reinforcement!!

[Anonymous]

You need to establish boundaries. My mom is the one who is like this and it has been a life long struggle. My mom comes from a good place because she is excited and happy about the baby but the way it comes across to me is that I'm just a vessel, my needs are secondary to hers, everything is about her, and I can't be trusted with major decisions about my own child.

I would take this over with DH and really get to the root of what upsets you. He needs to be managing her expectations better. She wants time with her grand baby. And evenings don't work for him because that's his time. So figure out a time that does work for all of you. He also needs to do a better job of explaining your recovery and what you need (i.e. time alone with the baby to nurse and rest and recover) and that there will be plenty of time for grandma to hold the baby later on.

Make sure he manages the daycare BS. The bottom line is that if her advice is requested, you will let her know. It's all in the delivery but you really need to nip it in the bud. My mom had opinions about everything for "our baby" and that made me crazy. You need some short responses like "we've got it covered Marge but will let you know if we'd like to discuss it". Said with a big smile.

Btw my DH deals with plans with my mom in a bunch of "maybes and we'll sees" and is non commital. It works to a point. I prefer a more direct but also more confrontational approach and that's not a good approach with ILs. He can probably be more direct with his mother.

I wouldn't worry too much just yet. In a few more weeks you will feel much much better. Your MIL will start to relax and get into her old routines. You may feel more comfortable leaving your baby for short periods or using the time she is there for whatever you'd like at home or around the house.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom only lives an hour away. Why does she have to stay for two days?

Go away! Some people lover their moms.

But she can't shut out the in laws while he mom is there for days. Keep it fair.