New baby and in-laws (venting)

[Anonymous]

OP will be back in six months ranting that her in-laws, who only live 10 minutes away, never help her, are better to SIL's children than her child, and she doesn't understand because OP is so nice to her MIL/FIL. Personally, OP, I hope they tell you to go to help. I would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it really matters whether OP is hormonal and exhausted - she most likely is, but that doesn't mean she needs to put up with intrusive, annoying behavior. And the best of intentions can still lead to intrusive, annoying behavior.

And I don't understand why OP can't be selfish right now. If there's ever a time in a woman's life when she deserves a break from the usual demands of smile, play nice, be agreeable, sacrifice your needs/wants for others, etc., this is it.

I think sacrificing one day a week to keep away family drama, future problems and letting your child bond with their grandparents is worth it.

Also, maybe I am confusing threads, but it seem like until 5 weeks ago, OP had a great relationship with her inlaws. She said they were awesome. These in laws also have other grandchildren, so it is not likely that they are obsessing over this one baby. It seems like OP is replay just having a negative, hormone fueled reaction. She doesn't mind her own mom being there for days, but that us because her mom does house chores. The in laws do baby chores and OP feels threatened. I really don't think there is enough precedent to say these in laws are coming between her and her husband.

Can you imagine living 10 minutes from your newborn grandchild and not wanting to see him or her? And for an hour or so every week?

Finally, as parents it was important for BOTH sets of GPs to bond with our kid. It meant the world to my DH to share the first few weeks of our child's life with his parents. I don't think we can just set aside DH's familial needs. He didn't give birth, but he is still a parent.

Exactly.

Five weeks in? Really? How much time is DH getting with the baby?

And plenty of families have long-distance grandparents who bond great over visits that happen every few months. I mean, really. There's no *need* for grandparents to spend tons of time with a newborn. Priority number one is the new parents feeling solid as parents, which includes Mom's recovery. So if OP's ILs stress her out, they can take a step back for a little while. Their wants and desires are simply less important than OP's right now. They can still have a great relationship with their grandchild and treat their DIL with some respect for her needs.

[Anonymous]

OP, this will get better. Set and maintain some KIND boundaries. Think about how often you can see them, and then try to stick to that schedule for a bit. When they come over, expect that they'll scoop the baby up and away from you. If you need to take the baby back, just do it, and don't listen to any snide comments.

But. At the same time, the posters saying you will one day WANT this kind of attention for your child are also right.

I have a 19 month old DD who was hard fought for. When she was first born, having other people hold her made my skin crawl. I just wanted to hunker down with my baby and no one else. I felt this way for awhile. I knew I couldn't (and shouldn't) keep loving people away. I had to balance my discomfort with my knowledge that having loving inlaws was a really GOOD thing for my DD in the long run.

Now I am so so thankful my inlaws adore my DD so much. It really is wonderful. Grandparents are some of the few people who really think every little random cute thing your child does is JUST as cute as you think it is! They still annoy me, my MIL is still asking for an overnight (which we are not ready for) but I just try to stay open and loving. Without being a doormat. I am now pregnant with #2, and I have a feeling my MIL's dreams of an overnight will happen once the new baby is here. I'm glad I haven't alienated her and have kept her close, even though sometimes I wish they'd leave us alone for a few extra weeks.

Try to see the long game while protecting yourself now. Good luck, it's not always easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it really matters whether OP is hormonal and exhausted - she most likely is, but that doesn't mean she needs to put up with intrusive, annoying behavior. And the best of intentions can still lead to intrusive, annoying behavior.

And I don't understand why OP can't be selfish right now. If there's ever a time in a woman's life when she deserves a break from the usual demands of smile, play nice, be agreeable, sacrifice your needs/wants for others, etc., this is it.

I think sacrificing one day a week to keep away family drama, future problems and letting your child bond with their grandparents is worth it.

Also, maybe I am confusing threads, but it seem like until 5 weeks ago, OP had a great relationship with her inlaws. She said they were awesome. These in laws also have other grandchildren, so it is not likely that they are obsessing over this one baby. It seems like OP is replay just having a negative, hormone fueled reaction. She doesn't mind her own mom being there for days, but that us because her mom does house chores. The in laws do baby chores and OP feels threatened. I really don't think there is enough precedent to say these in laws are coming between her and her husband.

Can you imagine living 10 minutes from your newborn grandchild and not wanting to see him or her? And for an hour or so every week?

Finally, as parents it was important for BOTH sets of GPs to bond with our kid. It meant the world to my DH to share the first few weeks of our child's life with his parents. I don't think we can just set aside DH's familial needs. He didn't give birth, but he is still a parent.

Exactly.

Five weeks in? Really? How much time is DH getting with the baby?

And plenty of families have long-distance grandparents who bond great over visits that happen every few months. I mean, really. There's no *need* for grandparents to spend tons of time with a newborn. Priority number one is the new parents feeling solid as parents, which includes Mom's recovery. So if OP's ILs stress her out, they can take a step back for a little while. Their wants and desires are simply less important than OP's right now. They can still have a great relationship with their grandchild and treat their DIL with some respect for her needs.

Of course there's no need. But it seems like she's had a good relationship with them up until now, and suddenly there's a shift in tone. And to top it off, her mother is given more access to the baby than they are. I can understand this causing confusion and anxiety. They probably also feel responsible for her as a family member who has just gone through a lot and don't want to seem detached and unavailable. Sure, they're going overboard and are even being annoying. But families can be annoying. That doesn't mean they deserve to be shut out.

[Anonymous]

OP my mom became a grandmother for the first time a couple of weeks ago. I have never, ever, seen her so happy in her life. The day the baby was born, she was on the phone calling everyone she has ever met in her life. She lives close to my brother and would be devastated if she could not see the baby at least once a week. This is your baby, but you must understand that this is also a new member of the whole family. Your needs take precedence, but don't make it all about you. Besides you and your husband, no one will love this baby more than the In-laws. And for what it's worth, they sound a lot better than many in-laws who provide no help whatsoever. Your husband should find a gentle way to address some of your concerns.

[Anonymous]

Priority is baby's health, mom's physical and mental health, dad's health, new parents feeling confident in their parenting skills and marriage, then close family being included TO SUPPORT THE NEW PARENTS AND HELP THEM BOND WITH BABY, in that order.

Once a week visits from anyone is too much, unless the new parents truly want them around.

Visiting to hold the baby = not helping. Visiting to bring dinner, do laundry, clean, wash dishes to free mom and dad up to nap or hold baby worry-free = helping.

Volunteering to help--and then listening and doing what the new parents consider helpful, not what YOU THINK is helpful--is helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Priority is baby's health, mom's physical and mental health, dad's health, new parents feeling confident in their parenting skills and marriage, then close family being included TO SUPPORT THE NEW PARENTS AND HELP THEM BOND WITH BABY, in that order.

Once a week visits from anyone is too much, unless the new parents truly want them around.

Visiting to hold the baby = not helping. Visiting to bring dinner, do laundry, clean, wash dishes to free mom and dad up to nap or hold baby worry-free = helping.

Volunteering to help--and then listening and doing what the new parents consider helpful, not what YOU THINK is helpful--is helping.

BS. Relationships matter, even under tough circumstances. There are people who have terminal illness and don't refuse visitors, even though they may be tired or don't feel like talking. There are people who have lost loved ones and grieving, who don't refuse visitors or phone calls. We are talking about a weekly visit from grandparents that require little to no accommodation. Make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Priority is baby's health, mom's physical and mental health, dad's health, new parents feeling confident in their parenting skills and marriage, then close family being included TO SUPPORT THE NEW PARENTS AND HELP THEM BOND WITH BABY, in that order.

Once a week visits from anyone is too much, unless the new parents truly want them around.

Visiting to hold the baby = not helping. Visiting to bring dinner, do laundry, clean, wash dishes to free mom and dad up to nap or hold baby worry-free = helping.

Volunteering to help--and then listening and doing what the new parents consider helpful, not what YOU THINK is helpful--is helping.

I think it's pretty shortsighted to shut people out just because they "annoy" you. Being annoyed is usually about being irritated, tired, frustrated about something else, and it's important to keep the big picture in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, if they would be content with an hour visit each week then we would not be having any problems since this is what they are currently doing. The problem I have is that they aren't coming over to help me-I had a c-section and was in the hospital a while and they got upset that I didn't want visitors, I was in pain when they would come over to visit the baby and I really didn't want anyone over-and they wouldn't ask me how I was doing. My mother in law has also mentioned that this grandchild will belong to her and love her the most which I think is bizarre. My mother came over to make sure I was ok to help me get around the house, if I don't need help she finds other non baby things to do. I'm sure that I am being selfish by not wanting to share my daughter but we had a rough journey getting her here and I just don't want to have to entertain visitors especially not someone who makes me feel like they are trying to replace me.

I don't know how people are ignoring this post from the OP. This is crazy, awful, manipulative, controlling behavior on the part of the OP's in-laws.

OP's baby is 5 weeks old. She's recovering from a c-section. She wants a little time and space to recover from the birth and to take care of a baby that (according to her) she had a difficult time bringing into this world. OP's needs and desires are completely legitimate here. If her in-laws were stopping by once a week to offer the type of assistance OP is looking for (like someone to do laundry or pick up around the house a little bit), that would be great. Instead, her in-laws are coming over and completely taking over baby care. Maybe that will be something OP needs/wants a few weeks or months from now, but right now she wants to recover from her surgery and enjoy her baby, and she doesn't want to have to fight against her MIL for the position of "who this grandchild will belong to and love the most." I have a boundary-encroaching MIL and if she said something like that I would absolutely lose my shit.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. People who don't have family members that cross boundaries just don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, if they would be content with an hour visit each week then we would not be having any problems since this is what they are currently doing. The problem I have is that they aren't coming over to help me-I had a c-section and was in the hospital a while and they got upset that I didn't want visitors, I was in pain when they would come over to visit the baby and I really didn't want anyone over-and they wouldn't ask me how I was doing. My mother in law has also mentioned that this grandchild will belong to her and love her the most which I think is bizarre. My mother came over to make sure I was ok to help me get around the house, if I don't need help she finds other non baby things to do. I'm sure that I am being selfish by not wanting to share my daughter but we had a rough journey getting her here and I just don't want to have to entertain visitors especially not someone who makes me feel like they are trying to replace me.

I don't know how people are ignoring this post from the OP. This is crazy, awful, manipulative, controlling behavior on the part of the OP's in-laws.

OP's baby is 5 weeks old. She's recovering from a c-section. She wants a little time and space to recover from the birth and to take care of a baby that (according to her) she had a difficult time bringing into this world. OP's needs and desires are completely legitimate here. If her in-laws were stopping by once a week to offer the type of assistance OP is looking for (like someone to do laundry or pick up around the house a little bit), that would be great. Instead, her in-laws are coming over and completely taking over baby care. Maybe that will be something OP needs/wants a few weeks or months from now, but right now she wants to recover from her surgery and enjoy her baby, and she doesn't want to have to fight against her MIL for the position of "who this grandchild will belong to and love the most." I have a boundary-encroaching MIL and if she said something like that I would absolutely lose my shit.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. People who don't have family members that cross boundaries just don't get it.

So they're only allowed to come over once a week to do laundry!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, if they would be content with an hour visit each week then we would not be having any problems since this is what they are currently doing. The problem I have is that they aren't coming over to help me-I had a c-section and was in the hospital a while and they got upset that I didn't want visitors, I was in pain when they would come over to visit the baby and I really didn't want anyone over-and they wouldn't ask me how I was doing. My mother in law has also mentioned that this grandchild will belong to her and love her the most which I think is bizarre. My mother came over to make sure I was ok to help me get around the house, if I don't need help she finds other non baby things to do. I'm sure that I am being selfish by not wanting to share my daughter but we had a rough journey getting her here and I just don't want to have to entertain visitors especially not someone who makes me feel like they are trying to replace me.

I don't know how people are ignoring this post from the OP. This is crazy, awful, manipulative, controlling behavior on the part of the OP's in-laws.

OP's baby is 5 weeks old. She's recovering from a c-section. She wants a little time and space to recover from the birth and to take care of a baby that (according to her) she had a difficult time bringing into this world. OP's needs and desires are completely legitimate here. If her in-laws were stopping by once a week to offer the type of assistance OP is looking for (like someone to do laundry or pick up around the house a little bit), that would be great. Instead, her in-laws are coming over and completely taking over baby care. Maybe that will be something OP needs/wants a few weeks or months from now, but right now she wants to recover from her surgery and enjoy her baby, and she doesn't want to have to fight against her MIL for the position of "who this grandchild will belong to and love the most." I have a boundary-encroaching MIL and if she said something like that I would absolutely lose my shit.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. People who don't have family members that cross boundaries just don't get it.

So they're only allowed to come over once a week to do laundry!?

NP. Stop being deliberately obtuse. You show up, you say, "May I hold the baby for a few minutes while you fill me in on how I can help while I'm here?" Then, you do laundry or whatever. Then, you say, "Everything is done--anything else? I'd love ten Grandma minutes if you want to go call your sister back." You can do both. You can cuddle AND help out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, if they would be content with an hour visit each week then we would not be having any problems since this is what they are currently doing. The problem I have is that they aren't coming over to help me-I had a c-section and was in the hospital a while and they got upset that I didn't want visitors, I was in pain when they would come over to visit the baby and I really didn't want anyone over-and they wouldn't ask me how I was doing. My mother in law has also mentioned that this grandchild will belong to her and love her the most which I think is bizarre. My mother came over to make sure I was ok to help me get around the house, if I don't need help she finds other non baby things to do. I'm sure that I am being selfish by not wanting to share my daughter but we had a rough journey getting her here and I just don't want to have to entertain visitors especially not someone who makes me feel like they are trying to replace me.

I don't know how people are ignoring this post from the OP. This is crazy, awful, manipulative, controlling behavior on the part of the OP's in-laws.

OP's baby is 5 weeks old. She's recovering from a c-section. She wants a little time and space to recover from the birth and to take care of a baby that (according to her) she had a difficult time bringing into this world. OP's needs and desires are completely legitimate here. If her in-laws were stopping by once a week to offer the type of assistance OP is looking for (like someone to do laundry or pick up around the house a little bit), that would be great. Instead, her in-laws are coming over and completely taking over baby care. Maybe that will be something OP needs/wants a few weeks or months from now, but right now she wants to recover from her surgery and enjoy her baby, and she doesn't want to have to fight against her MIL for the position of "who this grandchild will belong to and love the most." I have a boundary-encroaching MIL and if she said something like that I would absolutely lose my shit.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. People who don't have family members that cross boundaries just don't get it.

So they're only allowed to come over once a week to do laundry!?

NP. Stop being deliberately obtuse. You show up, you say, "May I hold the baby for a few minutes while you fill me in on how I can help while I'm here?" Then, you do laundry or whatever. Then, you say, "Everything is done--anything else? I'd love ten Grandma minutes if you want to go call your sister back." You can do both. You can cuddle AND help out.

Right, but it seems like OP is finding their presence problematic and is reacting negatively to anything they do, even if it's what her mother does. And this is a shift in what had been a good relationship. She's not being honest and open about what she wants and is being resentful and negative and they probably have no idea what is going on. That makes them anxious and clingy, trying to offer more help and be more involved, rather than less.

[Anonymous]

At 5 weeks I would have loved for someone trustworthy to feed, change, and care for my baby while I had a nice soaking bath, good take out, and some sleep. OP take advantage of their time there to recharge your battery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 5 weeks I would have loved for someone trustworthy to feed, change, and care for my baby while I had a nice soaking bath, good take out, and some sleep. OP take advantage of their time there to recharge your battery.

Nobody cares what you liked at 5 weeks out. This is about OP and what she prefers, wants and needs at 5 weeks out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 5 weeks I would have loved for someone trustworthy to feed, change, and care for my baby while I had a nice soaking bath, good take out, and some sleep. OP take advantage of their time there to recharge your battery.

Nobody cares what you liked at 5 weeks out. This is about OP and what she prefers, wants and needs at 5 weeks out.

Yes, she prefers that her inlaws stay away and only she, her husband, and her mom be around the baby. She can enforce that. That's fine. But it's totally understandable for MIL to be upset, hurt, and confused by this behavior and ask her son about it. She can choose how she wants to behave in response to her own feelings, but she cannot control others' feelings in response to the way they are treated.