New baby and in-laws (venting)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weirdly, unlike a lot of PPs, my child's grandparents don't have some sort of custody order granting them "access" to my child. Their "access" is what DH and I say it is. Hand that rocks the cradle, people.

With your attitude I bet you are going to love it when you have to wait from your child and their spouse to tell you when or if you can see your grandchild!

NP. I will fully respect that. It will be their child. Not mine. I will appreciate visits, not demand them.

But that's with the assumption that your son and DIL are open and honest and direct with you about what they want, not expecting you to read their minds and just know when something is annoying or problematic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weirdly, unlike a lot of PPs, my child's grandparents don't have some sort of custody order granting them "access" to my child. Their "access" is what DH and I say it is. Hand that rocks the cradle, people.

With your attitude I bet you are going to love it when you have to wait from your child and their spouse to tell you when or if you can see your grandchild!

NP. I will fully respect that. It will be their child. Not mine. I will appreciate visits, not demand them.

But that's with the assumption that your son and DIL are open and honest and direct with you about what they want, not expecting you to read their minds and just know when something is annoying or problematic.

If something is "off," I know the best approach is easing up, not barreling forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weirdly, unlike a lot of PPs, my child's grandparents don't have some sort of custody order granting them "access" to my child. Their "access" is what DH and I say it is. Hand that rocks the cradle, people.

With your attitude I bet you are going to love it when you have to wait from your child and their spouse to tell you when or if you can see your grandchild!

NP. I will fully respect that. It will be their child. Not mine. I will appreciate visits, not demand them.

Wait until you are a grandmother - all reason and deference goes out the door. I hear from my MIL, my mom, and my aunt that it's a special kind of love comparable to what they felt for their own kids, sometimes greater. My aunt, who is a frigid you know what, lights up when with her grandkids. Who knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weirdly, unlike a lot of PPs, my child's grandparents don't have some sort of custody order granting them "access" to my child. Their "access" is what DH and I say it is. Hand that rocks the cradle, people.

With your attitude I bet you are going to love it when you have to wait from your child and their spouse to tell you when or if you can see your grandchild!

NP. I will fully respect that. It will be their child. Not mine. I will appreciate visits, not demand them.

But that's with the assumption that your son and DIL are open and honest and direct with you about what they want, not expecting you to read their minds and just know when something is annoying or problematic.

If something is "off," I know the best approach is easing up, not barreling forward.

Sure, but I know families/communities who would make note of a family member who is in the same town and is not involved and chipping in. MIL may just have a different set of expectations of what it means to be respectful and part of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weirdly, unlike a lot of PPs, my child's grandparents don't have some sort of custody order granting them "access" to my child. Their "access" is what DH and I say it is. Hand that rocks the cradle, people.

With your attitude I bet you are going to love it when you have to wait from your child and their spouse to tell you when or if you can see your grandchild!

NP. I will fully respect that. It will be their child. Not mine. I will appreciate visits, not demand them.

But that's with the assumption that your son and DIL are open and honest and direct with you about what they want, not expecting you to read their minds and just know when something is annoying or problematic.

If something is "off," I know the best approach is easing up, not barreling forward.

And if you note something is off and you are unwanted, wouldn't you be concerned you had done or not done something to cause offense? Would you try to figure out what is going on? Wouldn't you feel hurt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weirdly, unlike a lot of PPs, my child's grandparents don't have some sort of custody order granting them "access" to my child. Their "access" is what DH and I say it is. Hand that rocks the cradle, people.

With your attitude I bet you are going to love it when you have to wait from your child and their spouse to tell you when or if you can see your grandchild!

NP. I will fully respect that. It will be their child. Not mine. I will appreciate visits, not demand them.

Wait until you are a grandmother - all reason and deference goes out the door. I hear from my MIL, my mom, and my aunt that it's a special kind of love comparable to what they felt for their own kids, sometimes greater. My aunt, who is a frigid you know what, lights up when with her grandkids. Who knew.

So true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weirdly, unlike a lot of PPs, my child's grandparents don't have some sort of custody order granting them "access" to my child. Their "access" is what DH and I say it is. Hand that rocks the cradle, people.

With your attitude I bet you are going to love it when you have to wait from your child and their spouse to tell you when or if you can see your grandchild!

NP. I will fully respect that. It will be their child. Not mine. I will appreciate visits, not demand them.

But that's with the assumption that your son and DIL are open and honest and direct with you about what they want, not expecting you to read their minds and just know when something is annoying or problematic.

If something is "off," I know the best approach is easing up, not barreling forward.

And if you note something is off and you are unwanted, wouldn't you be concerned you had done or not done something to cause offense? Would you try to figure out what is going on? Wouldn't you feel hurt?

If ask my son about it, and leave my postpartum DIL alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weirdly, unlike a lot of PPs, my child's grandparents don't have some sort of custody order granting them "access" to my child. Their "access" is what DH and I say it is. Hand that rocks the cradle, people.

With your attitude I bet you are going to love it when you have to wait from your child and their spouse to tell you when or if you can see your grandchild!

NP. I will fully respect that. It will be their child. Not mine. I will appreciate visits, not demand them.

But that's with the assumption that your son and DIL are open and honest and direct with you about what they want, not expecting you to read their minds and just know when something is annoying or problematic.

If something is "off," I know the best approach is easing up, not barreling forward.

And if you note something is off and you are unwanted, wouldn't you be concerned you had done or not done something to cause offense? Would you try to figure out what is going on? Wouldn't you feel hurt?

If ask my son about it, and leave my postpartum DIL alone.

And then your DIL overhears you and flips out and vents online...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, if they would be content with an hour visit each week then we would not be having any problems since this is what they are currently doing. The problem I have is that they aren't coming over to help me-I had a c-section and was in the hospital a while and they got upset that I didn't want visitors, I was in pain when they would come over to visit the baby and I really didn't want anyone over-and they wouldn't ask me how I was doing. My mother in law has also mentioned that this grandchild will belong to her and love her the most which I think is bizarre. My mother came over to make sure I was ok to help me get around the house, if I don't need help she finds other non baby things to do. I'm sure that I am being selfish by not wanting to share my daughter but we had a rough journey getting her here and I just don't want to have to entertain visitors especially not someone who makes me feel like they are trying to replace me.

I don't know how people are ignoring this post from the OP. This is crazy, awful, manipulative, controlling behavior on the part of the OP's in-laws.

OP's baby is 5 weeks old. She's recovering from a c-section. She wants a little time and space to recover from the birth and to take care of a baby that (according to her) she had a difficult time bringing into this world. OP's needs and desires are completely legitimate here. If her in-laws were stopping by once a week to offer the type of assistance OP is looking for (like someone to do laundry or pick up around the house a little bit), that would be great. Instead, her in-laws are coming over and completely taking over baby care. Maybe that will be something OP needs/wants a few weeks or months from now, but right now she wants to recover from her surgery and enjoy her baby, and she doesn't want to have to fight against her MIL for the position of "who this grandchild will belong to and love the most." I have a boundary-encroaching MIL and if she said something like that I would absolutely lose my shit.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. People who don't have family members that cross boundaries just don't get it.

I remember someone else posting a thread about a MIL saying the same thing about a grandchild (" they belong to me, they'll love me the most") I would if it was posted by the SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, if they would be content with an hour visit each week then we would not be having any problems since this is what they are currently doing. The problem I have is that they aren't coming over to help me-I had a c-section and was in the hospital a while and they got upset that I didn't want visitors, I was in pain when they would come over to visit the baby and I really didn't want anyone over-and they wouldn't ask me how I was doing. My mother in law has also mentioned that this grandchild will belong to her and love her the most which I think is bizarre. My mother came over to make sure I was ok to help me get around the house, if I don't need help she finds other non baby things to do. I'm sure that I am being selfish by not wanting to share my daughter but we had a rough journey getting her here and I just don't want to have to entertain visitors especially not someone who makes me feel like they are trying to replace me.

I don't know how people are ignoring this post from the OP. This is crazy, awful, manipulative, controlling behavior on the part of the OP's in-laws.

OP's baby is 5 weeks old. She's recovering from a c-section. She wants a little time and space to recover from the birth and to take care of a baby that (according to her) she had a difficult time bringing into this world. OP's needs and desires are completely legitimate here. If her in-laws were stopping by once a week to offer the type of assistance OP is looking for (like someone to do laundry or pick up around the house a little bit), that would be great. Instead, her in-laws are coming over and completely taking over baby care. Maybe that will be something OP needs/wants a few weeks or months from now, but right now she wants to recover from her surgery and enjoy her baby, and she doesn't want to have to fight against her MIL for the position of "who this grandchild will belong to and love the most." I have a boundary-encroaching MIL and if she said something like that I would absolutely lose my shit.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. People who don't have family members that cross boundaries just don't get it.

I remember someone else posting a thread about a MIL saying the same thing about a grandchild (" they belong to me, they'll love me the most") I would if it was posted by the SIL.

It's funny, my MIL used to say things like that when I was pregnant and immediately post-partum. It REALLY bothered me, not because I thought she was going to kidnap the baby, but because I thought she was going to be really interfering and create massive family drama. I just didn't have any frame of reference for what the hell she meant - and of course a new mother is not going to react well when some other woman outright states that her baby is going to love someone else more than its own mother! And, the utter rudeness/cluelessness of the statement bothered me just as much as what she was actually saying. Who in their right mind would say that kind of thing to a pregnant woman or brand new mother?

As it turned out I did have to place major boundaries on MIL right after the baby was born, but after a few months things settled down and were fine.

[Anonymous]

I have similar MIL who lives 10 min away. I was in pain from a c sec and toddler was sick and didn't want visitors. She was over every 2-3 days, she just notified she had something to drop off or wanted to see the baby and showed up. She talked loudly for long periods. I found out she cared only a little bit about me or how I was recovering. It was annoying.

[Anonymous]

OP, my MIL was so emotional and crazy obsessed with my first born I wouldn't have been surprised if I had caught her trying to breastfed her (I didn't, it was a joke between my DH and I). She drove me batshit crazy, she was overbearing, all in my face, always over the top, which doesn't mesh well with my temperment or personality. I agreed to let her come overseas for 3 weeks when the baby was 2 weeks old to stay in our tiny TH with us to "help out". I felt so smothered by her. WE had a few fights, but overall I tried my best. Looking back I realize I had PPD and was just super hormonal.

Over the years I have compromised and held my tongue in many ways in order to allow my children to have a good relationship with my MIL (agreeing to let her stay with us, sometimes a month at a time, aagreeing to vacation with her for weeks at a time, skyping several times a week, always remembering her birthdays, etc.). and eventually I allowed her to take my two kids on a grandmother and grandkid only vacation a few times, which my MIL was dying to do for years. My Mil is super annoying, but deep down inside there is a good person there. My MIL is divorced, and my SIL declared she never wants kids, so my children are her only grandchildren, hence there is a lot of pressure there.

Two years ago, at the age of 63, out of nowhere she had a stroke. She has never fully recovered. While annoying and overbearing, I now realize how full of life she used to be, how energetic, adventurous and giving. She basically is homebound and can barely speak. She cannot travel, and definitely cannot go on any vacations. FaceTime doesn't work so well because she can barely speak a coherent sentence. It's awful. I am very glad I put aside my own irritations and nuances about my MIL to allow her those 8 years of spending precious time with my children. You may not see it now OP, but your ILs may be excellent grandparents with your child, creating a wonderful bond and relationship. Don't entirely shut them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 5 weeks I would have loved for someone trustworthy to feed, change, and care for my baby while I had a nice soaking bath, good take out, and some sleep. OP take advantage of their time there to recharge your battery.

Nobody cares what you liked at 5 weeks out. This is about OP and what she prefers, wants and needs at 5 weeks out.

Yes, she prefers that her inlaws stay away and only she, her husband, and her mom be around the baby. She can enforce that. That's fine. But it's totally understandable for MIL to be upset, hurt, and confused by this behavior and ask her son about it. She can choose how she wants to behave in response to her own feelings, but she cannot control others' feelings in response to the way they are treated.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weirdly, unlike a lot of PPs, my child's grandparents don't have some sort of custody order granting them "access" to my child. Their "access" is what DH and I say it is. Hand that rocks the cradle, people.

With your attitude I bet you are going to love it when you have to wait from your child and their spouse to tell you when or if you can see your grandchild!

NP. I will fully respect that. It will be their child. Not mine. I will appreciate visits, not demand them.

Wait until you are a grandmother - all reason and deference goes out the door. I hear from my MIL, my mom, and my aunt that it's a special kind of love comparable to what they felt for their own kids, sometimes greater. My aunt, who is a frigid you know what, lights up when with her grandkids. Who knew.

So true.

If that is true, then all the more reason to mind your p's and q's and respect the parents and their wishes for THEIR children.

[Anonymous]

This is the problem with old women. They have outlived their usefulness, and they know it. They latch onto grandchildren in the vain hope of proving their worth to the tribe, when in reality, it's not needed or wanted. In more primitive societies, they'd be recognized for the unproductive leeches they are, and left to fend for themselves far away from the productive group members.