New baby and in-laws (venting)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there other non-baby tasks she can do? Laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, cleaning....?

Sorry, sounds like an annoying situation.

None of that ever worked with my MIL. All she ever wanted to do was hold the baby.

[Anonymous]

Op, I hear you. I went through this when we had the first grandchild and she was named for my MIL's grandmother. They live 20 minutes away and suddenly the expectation was that they would come over every weekend. I have two sets of in-laws due to divorce and remarriage and I thought I would go insane.

You did not have this baby for their benefit – she is yours, and if it feels intrusive, then it probably is.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to step up. I knew ahead of time what I wanted my boundaries to be, we discussed/fought about them and figured them out pre baby and as things came up. You are going to have to compromise as to not scree yourself over later for when you are ready to need them. Once you set boundaries they should get used to them eventually.

To help, some of my compromises were:
1. Allowing them to see the baby in the hospital in another room with my husband but barring them
from my room.

2. Saying no to a time they wanted to visit that was bad for me but making time to see them the following day


Make your husband be the bad guy and communicate with them about your (his and yours) collective wishes.

Also, try FaceTimeing with them daily for a few minutes to see the baby. It goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

You may not see it now, but you are almost certainly hormonal and exhausted. You may want your mom, and not your ILs, but they are grandparents too. As PPs say, please don't burn that bridge. You may want to spend every second with DC now. That's normal. But try to take a long view.

Some day you, DH and your baby will all share a rotavirus, and you will need you MIL to take care of the baby, because you are too busy throwing up to keep DC hydrated too (true story). And someday, you will need to get to a place where you also prioritize your marriage, and will be grateful that you can leave your toddler with you ILs and get away together for a night. Maybe someday you will have DC2, and your MIL will be a great help in spending extra time with DC1.

So try to remember that you ILs are probably have their hearts in the right place. And try to let them spend at least some time with the baby. Every new mom needs a long shower and a nap. And after 5 weeks, it would probably do you a lot of good to leave the house for an hour and go to Starbucks.

And With no snark or criticism intended, I agree with PPs that you should get a good PPD screening. You have been through a lot and do sound like you are tending in that direction. Many women have this and it is usually easy to manage. It certainly doesn't make you a bad mom. Please talk to your OB at your 6 week check.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it really matters whether OP is hormonal and exhausted - she most likely is, but that doesn't mean she needs to put up with intrusive, annoying behavior. And the best of intentions can still lead to intrusive, annoying behavior.

And I don't understand why OP can't be selfish right now. If there's ever a time in a woman's life when she deserves a break from the usual demands of smile, play nice, be agreeable, sacrifice your needs/wants for others, etc., this is it.

[Anonymous]

It is a familiar situation, except that I have 2 MILs and a SIL and they all went nuts when the baby was born. It got better after 2 years, but their initial behavior had a serious impact on my marriage and I will never forgive them that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a familiar situation, except that I have 2 MILs and a SIL and they all went nuts when the baby was born. It got better after 2 years, but their initial behavior had a serious impact on my marriage and I will never forgive them that.

This is the key issue. Your ILs negatively impacted your marriage during a time they should have been supporting it. This sounds like OP's problem too. OP's MIL is a source of stress and creating friction between OP and her husband.

OP, can you get your husband to stand up to his family? He needs to set boundaries with them. Can you and your husband agree to a few things that MIL can do to be helpful, like do dishes once a week and she can also have a brief, concrete time with the baby (read the baby a story after you nurse, etc.)? If MIL is just going to react by looking wounded and making it clear that her needs aren't being met, then she doesn't get even that. The bottom line is that your MIL is a source of stress at a very vulnerable time for you. The most important thing is for you and your husband to get into a good routine as parents. If MIL is hindering as opposed to helping that effort, then she needs to stay away until you're stronger. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it really matters whether OP is hormonal and exhausted - she most likely is, but that doesn't mean she needs to put up with intrusive, annoying behavior. And the best of intentions can still lead to intrusive, annoying behavior.

And I don't understand why OP can't be selfish right now. If there's ever a time in a woman's life when she deserves a break from the usual demands of smile, play nice, be agreeable, sacrifice your needs/wants for others, etc., this is it.

Amen. This is one of the most vulnerable moments for you, and while you shouldn't bar MIL from the baby, you have every right to get more time to just your family. And I don't agree with the PPs who say your mom and MIL must get the exact same amount of visiting time to keep it "fair". It sounds like your mom is actually helpful and doesn't monopolize your baby. It'd obviously important to maintain a good relationship with your husband's family, but I really think you get a pass now on having to entertain them regularly. A tough delivery and surgery followed by several hospital visits is no joke. The in-laws live 10 minutes away and they're going to get to see your baby plenty. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your baby first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it really matters whether OP is hormonal and exhausted - she most likely is, but that doesn't mean she needs to put up with intrusive, annoying behavior. And the best of intentions can still lead to intrusive, annoying behavior.

And I don't understand why OP can't be selfish right now. If there's ever a time in a woman's life when she deserves a break from the usual demands of smile, play nice, be agreeable, sacrifice your needs/wants for others, etc., this is it.

I think sacrificing one day a week to keep away family drama, future problems and letting your child bond with their grandparents is worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it really matters whether OP is hormonal and exhausted - she most likely is, but that doesn't mean she needs to put up with intrusive, annoying behavior. And the best of intentions can still lead to intrusive, annoying behavior.

And I don't understand why OP can't be selfish right now. If there's ever a time in a woman's life when she deserves a break from the usual demands of smile, play nice, be agreeable, sacrifice your needs/wants for others, etc., this is it.

Amen. This is one of the most vulnerable moments for you, and while you shouldn't bar MIL from the baby, you have every right to get more time to just your family. And I don't agree with the PPs who say your mom and MIL must get the exact same amount of visiting time to keep it "fair". It sounds like your mom is actually helpful and doesn't monopolize your baby. It'd obviously important to maintain a good relationship with your husband's family, but I really think you get a pass now on having to entertain them regularly. A tough delivery and surgery followed by several hospital visits is no joke. The in-laws live 10 minutes away and they're going to get to see your baby plenty. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your baby first.

Once a week is not a lot. If my in town inlaws didn't see my child once a week I'd think that was odd.

[Anonymous]

I think a short visit (like one hour) once a week is fine. I'm really sorry that the MIL is being so pushy. If she had any emotional intelligence she would realize that giving you some space is in everyone's best interest. She can have regular short visits, and you should have the majority of the time to bond with your baby and adjust to everything that comes along with that.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you make a list of things you need help with around the house? I did this for my IL's. They sound similar - really wanting to "help" but I have learned over the years that if I am not SUPER specific with them about exactly what they can do, they get agitated and resentful towards me. So, when they came to visit after baby was born I made a list of all kinds of things I needed help with and put it on the fridge. They picked and chose which ones they liked, of course, but I think it did help.

Personally, I would agree to have them come over during a time of day that baby will likely be mellow/freshly fed, and you hand off baby to just be held and rocked by your MIL while you shower and nap. I totally get where you are at and how hard it is to leave your infant even for an instant. But trust me it will do wonders for you to take a bit of time for yourself and it would mean the world to your in laws. Don't feel like you need to hang out with them and chat - that job should be left to your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it really matters whether OP is hormonal and exhausted - she most likely is, but that doesn't mean she needs to put up with intrusive, annoying behavior. And the best of intentions can still lead to intrusive, annoying behavior.

And I don't understand why OP can't be selfish right now. If there's ever a time in a woman's life when she deserves a break from the usual demands of smile, play nice, be agreeable, sacrifice your needs/wants for others, etc., this is it.

I think sacrificing one day a week to keep away family drama, future problems and letting your child bond with their grandparents is worth it.

Also, maybe I am confusing threads, but it seem like until 5 weeks ago, OP had a great relationship with her inlaws. She said they were awesome. These in laws also have other grandchildren, so it is not likely that they are obsessing over this one baby. It seems like OP is replay just having a negative, hormone fueled reaction. She doesn't mind her own mom being there for days, but that us because her mom does house chores. The in laws do baby chores and OP feels threatened. I really don't think there is enough precedent to say these in laws are coming between her and her husband.

Can you imagine living 10 minutes from your newborn grandchild and not wanting to see him or her? And for an hour or so every week?

Finally, as parents it was important for BOTH sets of GPs to bond with our kid. It meant the world to my DH to share the first few weeks of our child's life with his parents. I don't think we can just set aside DH's familial needs. He didn't give birth, but he is still a parent.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am confused. You initially said they are pushy about visiting one weekly and now you say they won't be happy with that? What has changed?

Your little sarcastic insert about people's genuine concerns for PPD was unnecessary and says a lot about YOU.

I hate my MIL. She is awful so I tend to have a ton of sympathy for the DIL< but in this case, it really sounds like YOU are the problem. I'm sorry. I hope yo can get things together when the PP era ends and you are fully recovered, really, because right now, it seems more like you are blowing things up in your head worse than they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it really matters whether OP is hormonal and exhausted - she most likely is, but that doesn't mean she needs to put up with intrusive, annoying behavior. And the best of intentions can still lead to intrusive, annoying behavior.

And I don't understand why OP can't be selfish right now. If there's ever a time in a woman's life when she deserves a break from the usual demands of smile, play nice, be agreeable, sacrifice your needs/wants for others, etc., this is it.

I think sacrificing one day a week to keep away family drama, future problems and letting your child bond with their grandparents is worth it.

Also, maybe I am confusing threads, but it seem like until 5 weeks ago, OP had a great relationship with her inlaws. She said they were awesome. These in laws also have other grandchildren, so it is not likely that they are obsessing over this one baby. It seems like OP is replay just having a negative, hormone fueled reaction. She doesn't mind her own mom being there for days, but that us because her mom does house chores. The in laws do baby chores and OP feels threatened. I really don't think there is enough precedent to say these in laws are coming between her and her husband.

Can you imagine living 10 minutes from your newborn grandchild and not wanting to see him or her? And for an hour or so every week?

Finally, as parents it was important for BOTH sets of GPs to bond with our kid. It meant the world to my DH to share the first few weeks of our child's life with his parents. I don't think we can just set aside DH's familial needs. He didn't give birth, but he is still a parent.

Exactly.