New baby and in-laws (venting)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I get what you mean.
Your mother comes to help and support you, your inlaws come to get to the baby.
I get it.
You don't want someone to come and take the baby away from you. Which is what your inlaws are doing and thinking it's helpful. You are a new mom and want to do for your own baby and handing her off doesn't help you.
Your mom comes to help you so you can take care of the baby. Which is how it's supposed to be.
I'm sorry people are trying to make you feel bad about dealing with people who wanted to "help" by taking your less than 1 week baby from you.
I think this calls for some direct and clear communication. You need to just tell them and your DH very plainly what you have told us "I don't want to be separated from my baby. I know that you think it's helping, but I want to be the one to take care of her, it doesn't feel good to me to have you do the things I have hoped, dreamed and prayed about being able to do. It makes me feel badly when you keep trying to take her from me.
What I would like in terms of help is______ (and then make sure they include baby things, not taking out your trash).
I don't know if other new moms feel this way, but I really feel strongly to take care of DC and I ask that you respect my wishes.
(I don't know if it's the weather or what, but there have been a lot more mean comments on this site than usual. I hope you can weed through them.)

The baby is 5 WEEKS old, not 5 days old. Yet it is too much for OP to allow one visit per week from her in-town relatives, and she's still using a C-section as an excuse.

It's been 5 week of them hounding OP for visits, not helping and making her feel badly after she was in the hospital for almost a week post birth. I had an awful time with a Csection and was still in pain and exhausted after a month of dealing with infection, surgical pain, bladder spasms on top of round the clock nursing of a newborn. It can be very difficult and exhausting.
There is no other major surgery where the patient is required to take care of a newborn. Trying sending a GI resection patient a baby to take care of on top of their intestinal repair surgery and host visits and let me know how many unhelpful visitors are ok and when.

A-fucking-men!!!

[Anonymous]

Ha! I wouldn't want George Clooney to see me in that state, that's for sure! I would probably let him hold my baby

[Anonymous]

OP, down the road you will likely feel differently. For now, it's ok for you to call these shots and to insist on what you need to be comfortable and to have your time with the baby. From the outside and from the position of not having a newborn, once a week visits doesn't seem like much on paper. But if they stay for loooonnng stretches, aren't helpful to you and instead interfere between you and the baby, and make you feel superfluous, then the visits have to be shortened and --in the short-run -- less frequent. Let them come when your husband is there, and let him run interference. Why is your SIL coming with two kids? How old are they? How long do they stay when they come? I imagine it's also the feeling of not having any control over when these people come and what the boundaries are for when they are here.

Down the road you will be glad for the nearby family. And you will be more secure in your position vis-a-vis the baby (I was like you and I hated when anyone else referred to the baby as "my baby" meaning their baby).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, down the road you will likely feel differently. For now, it's ok for you to call these shots and to insist on what you need to be comfortable and to have your time with the baby. From the outside and from the position of not having a newborn, once a week visits doesn't seem like much on paper. But if they stay for loooonnng stretches, aren't helpful to you and instead interfere between you and the baby, and make you feel superfluous, then the visits have to be shortened and --in the short-run -- less frequent. Let them come when your husband is there, and let him run interference. Why is your SIL coming with two kids? How old are they? How long do they stay when they come? I imagine it's also the feeling of not having any control over when these people come and what the boundaries are for when they are here.

Down the road you will be glad for the nearby family. And you will be more secure in your position vis-a-vis the baby (I was like you and I hated when anyone else referred to the baby as "my baby" meaning their baby).

I think it's not just that they are coming once a week and stressing her out, but also that they are creating more drama by complaining about it to her husband and making it a competition with her mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are coming over to bond with their grandchild. And they are also "helping" you by holding your child for an hour or two while you shower/nap/surf DCUM/whatever. You admit that you're being selfish. You admit that you are treating your in-laws differently from your own parents. You refer to some joking comment your MIL made as some sort of proof that MIL is trying to steal your baby. Face it, you are hormonal and selfish. I can't believe your husband hasn't stepped in to insist that you stop this nonsense.

But whatever, go ahead and alienate the relatives that live 10 minutes away. Teach them that they're not welcome and that you don't want them to have a relationship with your child (that's what you're doing). Just don't come back here in 1-2 years griping about how you have no close family to help out/babysit nearby. I feel bad for your relatives.

My SIL was like you. She had her first when she was very young. Her second, my brother's first was the first grandchild for my parents. Of course they wanted to see the grand baby as much as they could - they were so excited until SIL pushed them away. Word got back that SIL was telling everyone that grandparents were going to steal her baby. Grandparents backed off. Once the baby was older and SIL needed a break or a sitter, it dawned on her that her baby had not seen her grandparents in almost a year (they live 5 miles away). I guess she figured out that it was because of her because she would ask my brother to ask the grandparent to watch the baby. Grand parents said yes in the beginning until they realized they were being used so that SIL could go out on girl nights (her husband worked variable shifts so was not always available). It was very hard for them but they started saying no to these requests. This of course pissed off the SIL that the grandparents were not interested in their grand child. Their relationships have been ruined...all because the SIL failed to realize that a grandparent is a key person in a child's life. Granting them a few hours a week to watch the baby is NOTHING but pure selfishness. How would you feel if your daughter in law keeps you away from your grandchild?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here I am definitly not keeping the baby away from my in-laws I just don't feel the need to have them over every week this also includes visits from my sister in law and her two kids on separate days. Since my DD was born they have only missed one weekend. I also had a medical issue that caused my MIL to stay with her for 4 days in my house watching her. When she does visit I feel like I need to find something to do because when the baby needs to be fed or changed my MIL does everything and I then have nothing to do, she doesn't really talk to me while she is here either so it ends up being awkward. This whole situation is beyond weird to me.

Well, at least she can't breastfeed your DD!! She can't take that away from you =)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are coming over to bond with their grandchild. And they are also "helping" you by holding your child for an hour or two while you shower/nap/surf DCUM/whatever. You admit that you're being selfish. You admit that you are treating your in-laws differently from your own parents. You refer to some joking comment your MIL made as some sort of proof that MIL is trying to steal your baby. Face it, you are hormonal and selfish. I can't believe your husband hasn't stepped in to insist that you stop this nonsense.

But whatever, go ahead and alienate the relatives that live 10 minutes away. Teach them that they're not welcome and that you don't want them to have a relationship with your child (that's what you're doing). Just don't come back here in 1-2 years griping about how you have no close family to help out/babysit nearby. I feel bad for your relatives.

My SIL was like you. She had her first when she was very young. Her second, my brother's first was the first grandchild for my parents. Of course they wanted to see the grand baby as much as they could - they were so excited until SIL pushed them away. Word got back that SIL was telling everyone that grandparents were going to steal her baby. Grandparents backed off. Once the baby was older and SIL needed a break or a sitter, it dawned on her that her baby had not seen her grandparents in almost a year (they live 5 miles away). I guess she figured out that it was because of her because she would ask my brother to ask the grandparent to watch the baby. Grand parents said yes in the beginning until they realized they were being used so that SIL could go out on girl nights (her husband worked variable shifts so was not always available). It was very hard for them but they started saying no to these requests. This of course pissed off the SIL that the grandparents were not interested in their grand child. Their relationships have been ruined...all because the SIL failed to realize that a grandparent is a key person in a child's life. Granting them a few hours a week to watch the baby is NOTHING but pure selfishness. How would you feel if your daughter in law keeps you away from your grandchild?

No, your parents threw a fit when your SIL asked for some space and refused to see the baby for a year.
It wasn't good enough when SIL tried to make peace with them and hope they came around so they dig their heels in further and estranged themselves instead of returning the peace. Even from your version of events that's obvious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are coming over to bond with their grandchild. And they are also "helping" you by holding your child for an hour or two while you shower/nap/surf DCUM/whatever. You admit that you're being selfish. You admit that you are treating your in-laws differently from your own parents. You refer to some joking comment your MIL made as some sort of proof that MIL is trying to steal your baby. Face it, you are hormonal and selfish. I can't believe your husband hasn't stepped in to insist that you stop this nonsense.

But whatever, go ahead and alienate the relatives that live 10 minutes away. Teach them that they're not welcome and that you don't want them to have a relationship with your child (that's what you're doing). Just don't come back here in 1-2 years griping about how you have no close family to help out/babysit nearby. I feel bad for your relatives.

My SIL was like you. She had her first when she was very young. Her second, my brother's first was the first grandchild for my parents. Of course they wanted to see the grand baby as much as they could - they were so excited until SIL pushed them away. Word got back that SIL was telling everyone that grandparents were going to steal her baby. Grandparents backed off. Once the baby was older and SIL needed a break or a sitter, it dawned on her that her baby had not seen her grandparents in almost a year (they live 5 miles away). I guess she figured out that it was because of her because she would ask my brother to ask the grandparent to watch the baby. Grand parents said yes in the beginning until they realized they were being used so that SIL could go out on girl nights (her husband worked variable shifts so was not always available). It was very hard for them but they started saying no to these requests. This of course pissed off the SIL that the grandparents were not interested in their grand child. Their relationships have been ruined...all because the SIL failed to realize that a grandparent is a key person in a child's life. Granting them a few hours a week to watch the baby is NOTHING but pure selfishness. How would you feel if your daughter in law keeps you away from your grandchild?

It sounds like your parents made it all about them and torpedoed a relationship with their grandchild out of some twisted notion of fairness or pride. Sad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are coming over to bond with their grandchild. And they are also "helping" you by holding your child for an hour or two while you shower/nap/surf DCUM/whatever. You admit that you're being selfish. You admit that you are treating your in-laws differently from your own parents. You refer to some joking comment your MIL made as some sort of proof that MIL is trying to steal your baby. Face it, you are hormonal and selfish. I can't believe your husband hasn't stepped in to insist that you stop this nonsense.

But whatever, go ahead and alienate the relatives that live 10 minutes away. Teach them that they're not welcome and that you don't want them to have a relationship with your child (that's what you're doing). Just don't come back here in 1-2 years griping about how you have no close family to help out/babysit nearby. I feel bad for your relatives.

My SIL was like you. She had her first when she was very young. Her second, my brother's first was the first grandchild for my parents. Of course they wanted to see the grand baby as much as they could - they were so excited until SIL pushed them away. Word got back that SIL was telling everyone that grandparents were going to steal her baby. Grandparents backed off. Once the baby was older and SIL needed a break or a sitter, it dawned on her that her baby had not seen her grandparents in almost a year (they live 5 miles away). I guess she figured out that it was because of her because she would ask my brother to ask the grandparent to watch the baby. Grand parents said yes in the beginning until they realized they were being used so that SIL could go out on girl nights (her husband worked variable shifts so was not always available). It was very hard for them but they started saying no to these requests. This of course pissed off the SIL that the grandparents were not interested in their grand child. Their relationships have been ruined...all because the SIL failed to realize that a grandparent is a key person in a child's life. Granting them a few hours a week to watch the baby is NOTHING but pure selfishness. How would you feel if your daughter in law keeps you away from your grandchild?

No, your parents threw a fit when your SIL asked for some space and refused to see the baby for a year.
It wasn't good enough when SIL tried to make peace with them and hope they came around so they dig their heels in further and estranged themselves instead of returning the peace. Even from your version of events that's obvious

This. Your SIL wanted some space, and your parents decided that if they couldn't have it all on their own terms, then they would cut contact with their grandchild who lives 5 miles away! BTW, there's nothing wrong with your parents babysitting so SIL can have girls nights. Your parents should have seen that as an opportunity to help their DIL (and their own son and grandchild, because part of what makes their family work is supporting DIL), but they were damned if they were going to do anything to support her. Ugh 15:54, you sound just like your parents. Go ahead and rally against your SIL. If your brother is half a man, he'll hate you for it.

[Anonymous]

OP, seeing the baby every week is not a lot. Be thankful for that. Of this was every day that would be a problem. So you will need their help since they are in town and can help watch the baby of you need to do things. Believe me, I know! I'm in the same boat. Don't burn that bridge. Sometimes you need to suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, seeing the baby every week is not a lot. Be thankful for that. Of this was every day that would be a problem. So you will need their help since they are in town and can help watch the baby of you need to do things. Believe me, I know! I'm in the same boat. Don't burn that bridge. Sometimes you need to suck it up.

Yes, once a week us a lot. It is.

[Anonymous]

When I'm overwhelmed, sick, or just feeling gross (which are all natural feelings postpartum), I am OK with being around DH and my mom, but basically no one else, so OP, I feel your pain. My sister mentioned having similar feelings about her MIL (taking baby time away)-- so I think it is more normal than people here are giving you credit for. Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

This new mom wants space. Husband needs to be home when his parents come to visit so he can help navigate his parents.

Nobody needs to be around the new postpartum mom except her mother. In a couple months things will be different for everyone.

Just remember in a few years you might want a break from your toddler. They may even help so you can go away with your husband for a weekend. Don't burn any bridges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, seeing the baby every week is not a lot. Be thankful for that. Of this was every day that would be a problem. So you will need their help since they are in town and can help watch the baby of you need to do things. Believe me, I know! I'm in the same boat. Don't burn that bridge. Sometimes you need to suck it up.

+1. My mil's first sentence out if her mouth upon meeting dc at 6 weeks was-I don't change diapers! She also refused to watch dc for 20 minutes so I could pump when dh had his father help with holding a ladder so he could reach one of our gutters. So you are definitely blowing everything out of proportion. Relax, op.

[Anonymous]

Her mom is staying with her for longer because she lives far away, I do not see any preferential treatment, beyond the obvious fact that this is her own mother who is helping her in a way she needs. This is a very common issue with in laws. New moms need time to bond and rest, I really feel like if family is visiting during the early stages, the visits should be short and helpful (if this is what the new mom wants).