New baby and in-laws (venting)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 5 weeks I would have loved for someone trustworthy to feed, change, and care for my baby while I had a nice soaking bath, good take out, and some sleep. OP take advantage of their time there to recharge your battery.

Nobody cares what you liked at 5 weeks out. This is about OP and what she prefers, wants and needs at 5 weeks out.

OP is highly likely to be exhausted, emotional, and hormonal. She is susceptible to misguided advice like yours.

[Anonymous]

It seems unfair to not give both sets of grandparents equal time with the grandchild. Once a week doesn't seem a lot. And of course they'd rather see the baby than you. Surely them holding the baby, bathing it or rocking it is a huge help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems unfair to not give both sets of grandparents equal time with the grandchild. Once a week doesn't seem a lot. And of course they'd rather see the baby than you. Surely them holding the baby, bathing it or rocking it is a huge help?

Did you read the thread? It's not a huge help to guilt trip a new mom who is trying to find her footing. To demand time on your schedule, not on her's. To pile on guilt about time spent with someone who IS supportive and helpful. These are not helpful things at ALL. They are the opposite of helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this will get better. Set and maintain some KIND boundaries. Think about how often you can see them, and then try to stick to that schedule for a bit. When they come over, expect that they'll scoop the baby up and away from you. If you need to take the baby back, just do it, and don't listen to any snide comments.

But. At the same time, the posters saying you will one day WANT this kind of attention for your child are also right.

I have a 19 month old DD who was hard fought for. When she was first born, having other people hold her made my skin crawl. I just wanted to hunker down with my baby and no one else. I felt this way for awhile. I knew I couldn't (and shouldn't) keep loving people away. I had to balance my discomfort with my knowledge that having loving inlaws was a really GOOD thing for my DD in the long run.

Now I am so so thankful my inlaws adore my DD so much. It really is wonderful. Grandparents are some of the few people who really think every little random cute thing your child does is JUST as cute as you think it is! They still annoy me, my MIL is still asking for an overnight (which we are not ready for) but I just try to stay open and loving. Without being a doormat. I am now pregnant with #2, and I have a feeling my MIL's dreams of an overnight will happen once the new baby is here. I'm glad I haven't alienated her and have kept her close, even though sometimes I wish they'd leave us alone for a few extra weeks.

Try to see the long game while protecting yourself now. Good luck, it's not always easy.[/quote

Why won't you let your 19 month old daughter spend one night with her grandmother? I feel sorry for your kid and your MIL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems unfair to not give both sets of grandparents equal time with the grandchild. Once a week doesn't seem a lot. And of course they'd rather see the baby than you. Surely them holding the baby, bathing it or rocking it is a huge help?

Did you read the thread? It's not a huge help to guilt trip a new mom who is trying to find her footing. To demand time on your schedule, not on her's. To pile on guilt about time spent with someone who IS supportive and helpful. These are not helpful things at ALL. They are the opposite of helpful.

Yes, but none of that has been really established. The OP thinks her MIL wants to replace her, to be the baby's mom. I don't think th eOP Is responding or taking in information rationally. Several people expressed kind and sincere sentiments that she look into PPD and she responded with sarcasm. Not a good sign

The evidence suggests that a MIL, with other grandchildren and a prior great relationship, is not trying to step in and steal the mom role from OP. I think her perceptions are all skewed right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this will get better. Set and maintain some KIND boundaries. Think about how often you can see them, and then try to stick to that schedule for a bit. When they come over, expect that they'll scoop the baby up and away from you. If you need to take the baby back, just do it, and don't listen to any snide comments.

But. At the same time, the posters saying you will one day WANT this kind of attention for your child are also right.

I have a 19 month old DD who was hard fought for. When she was first born, having other people hold her made my skin crawl. I just wanted to hunker down with my baby and no one else. I felt this way for awhile. I knew I couldn't (and shouldn't) keep loving people away. I had to balance my discomfort with my knowledge that having loving inlaws was a really GOOD thing for my DD in the long run.

Now I am so so thankful my inlaws adore my DD so much. It really is wonderful. Grandparents are some of the few people who really think every little random cute thing your child does is JUST as cute as you think it is! They still annoy me, my MIL is still asking for an overnight (which we are not ready for) but I just try to stay open and loving. Without being a doormat. I am now pregnant with #2, and I have a feeling my MIL's dreams of an overnight will happen once the new baby is here. I'm glad I haven't alienated her and have kept her close, even though sometimes I wish they'd leave us alone for a few extra weeks.

Try to see the long game while protecting yourself now. Good luck, it's not always easy.[/quote

Why won't you let your 19 month old daughter spend one night with her grandmother? I feel sorry for your kid and your MIL!

Seriously? The PP posted a thoughtful and reflective post on her experience and you are choosing to focus on that? Sometimes, parents or kids are not ready for an overnight, and really, no one i missing out that young. I ADORE my mother. She is the best grandparent we could hope for, but there were no overnights for us until our son was three. Now, he goes and stays a week with her during the summer, she comes here and does overnights while we go out.

Don't feel sorry for the pp's kid and MIL. They will be fine. Focus on yourself and why you're a hysterical shrew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems unfair to not give both sets of grandparents equal time with the grandchild. Once a week doesn't seem a lot. And of course they'd rather see the baby than you. Surely them holding the baby, bathing it or rocking it is a huge help?

Did you read the thread? It's not a huge help to guilt trip a new mom who is trying to find her footing. To demand time on your schedule, not on her's. To pile on guilt about time spent with someone who IS supportive and helpful. These are not helpful things at ALL. They are the opposite of helpful.

Yes, but none of that has been really established. The OP thinks her MIL wants to replace her, to be the baby's mom. I don't think th eOP Is responding or taking in information rationally. Several people expressed kind and sincere sentiments that she look into PPD and she responded with sarcasm. Not a good sign

The evidence suggests that a MIL, with other grandchildren and a prior great relationship, is not trying to step in and steal the mom role from OP. I think her perceptions are all skewed right now.

The fact that the MIL is complaining to OP's husband and getting jealous of the mother suggets that she is far from blameless. Plus, it doesn't really matter. OP is feeling stressed and overwhelmed by her ILs. She is a new mom and should be supported by people who make her feel stronger and better. Grandparents do not have some kind of moral right to equal access to a newborn. If they had any sense and compassion they would understand that it is totally natural for a woman to want to be with her own mother after she had a baby.

Also important to note - OP does not want to cut her ILs off; she just wants to put some reasonable boundaries in place and stop their drama.

Short answer: MILs need to realize that a new baby is not about them and their feelings. it is about supporting the whole family unit at a sensitive time. if you figure out what your DIL wants and needs from you, you will reap the rewards later with grandbaby time! Don't let your own emotions trick you into thinking that this is all about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this will get better. Set and maintain some KIND boundaries. Think about how often you can see them, and then try to stick to that schedule for a bit. When they come over, expect that they'll scoop the baby up and away from you. If you need to take the baby back, just do it, and don't listen to any snide comments.

But. At the same time, the posters saying you will one day WANT this kind of attention for your child are also right.

I have a 19 month old DD who was hard fought for. When she was first born, having other people hold her made my skin crawl. I just wanted to hunker down with my baby and no one else. I felt this way for awhile. I knew I couldn't (and shouldn't) keep loving people away. I had to balance my discomfort with my knowledge that having loving inlaws was a really GOOD thing for my DD in the long run.

Now I am so so thankful my inlaws adore my DD so much. It really is wonderful. Grandparents are some of the few people who really think every little random cute thing your child does is JUST as cute as you think it is! They still annoy me, my MIL is still asking for an overnight (which we are not ready for) but I just try to stay open and loving. Without being a doormat. I am now pregnant with #2, and I have a feeling my MIL's dreams of an overnight will happen once the new baby is here. I'm glad I haven't alienated her and have kept her close, even though sometimes I wish they'd leave us alone for a few extra weeks.

Try to see the long game while protecting yourself now. Good luck, it's not always easy.[/quote

Why won't you let your 19 month old daughter spend one night with her grandmother? I feel sorry for your kid and your MIL!

Seriously? The PP posted a thoughtful and reflective post on her experience and you are choosing to focus on that? Sometimes, parents or kids are not ready for an overnight, and really, no one i missing out that young. I ADORE my mother. She is the best grandparent we could hope for, but there were no overnights for us until our son was three. Now, he goes and stays a week with her during the summer, she comes here and does overnights while we go out.

Don't feel sorry for the pp's kid and MIL. They will be fine. Focus on yourself and why you're a hysterical shrew.

Amen. NP. No overnights for my ILs because they think that if my son gets fed just a little peanut butter every day, he will "outgrow" his nut issues...iE his severe allergy. See, PP? Sometimes, there's a reason.

[Anonymous]

The PP whose kid has a nut allergy has a valid reason. I doubt the other PPs do, besides their kid 'is not ready yet for an over night visit. Coming from a very family oriented culture myself, this mindset is strange and sad IMO.

[Anonymous]

Weirdly, unlike a lot of PPs, my child's grandparents don't have some sort of custody order granting them "access" to my child. Their "access" is what DH and I say it is. Hand that rocks the cradle, people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just take a nap when your nice in-laws come over. Or take the chance to go get a manicure or something. You seriously can't handle them coming over to visit 1 time a week for 1-2 hours, but you have no issue with your own mom coming? Horrible.[/quote

+ 1.

I hope you realize your own shortcomings in this scenario, OP. While it is very natural for you to only want your mom with you and your baby, you are a married woman with a child. ILs are part of your family. This grandchild is theirs as much as he is your mom's.

BTW - I am amazed that your mom did not point out your selfish behavior to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weirdly, unlike a lot of PPs, my child's grandparents don't have some sort of custody order granting them "access" to my child. Their "access" is what DH and I say it is. Hand that rocks the cradle, people.

With your attitude I bet you are going to love it when you have to wait from your child and their spouse to tell you when or if you can see your grandchild!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Priority is baby's health, mom's physical and mental health, dad's health, new parents feeling confident in their parenting skills and marriage, then close family being included TO SUPPORT THE NEW PARENTS AND HELP THEM BOND WITH BABY, in that order.

Once a week visits from anyone is too much, unless the new parents truly want them around.

Visiting to hold the baby = not helping. Visiting to bring dinner, do laundry, clean, wash dishes to free mom and dad up to nap or hold baby worry-free = helping.

Volunteering to help--and then listening and doing what the new parents consider helpful, not what YOU THINK is helpful--is helping.

Grandma is NOT your servant. You need that kind of help, hire a maid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Priority is baby's health, mom's physical and mental health, dad's health, new parents feeling confident in their parenting skills and marriage, then close family being included TO SUPPORT THE NEW PARENTS AND HELP THEM BOND WITH BABY, in that order.

Once a week visits from anyone is too much, unless the new parents truly want them around.

Visiting to hold the baby = not helping. Visiting to bring dinner, do laundry, clean, wash dishes to free mom and dad up to nap or hold baby worry-free = helping.

Volunteering to help--and then listening and doing what the new parents consider helpful, not what YOU THINK is helpful--is helping.

Grandma is NOT your servant. You need that kind of help, hire a maid

Don't need it. But if you are coming by under the auspices of "helping," then HELP. Want to visit? You're welcome for one hour every other weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weirdly, unlike a lot of PPs, my child's grandparents don't have some sort of custody order granting them "access" to my child. Their "access" is what DH and I say it is. Hand that rocks the cradle, people.

With your attitude I bet you are going to love it when you have to wait from your child and their spouse to tell you when or if you can see your grandchild!

NP. I will fully respect that. It will be their child. Not mine. I will appreciate visits, not demand them.