New baby and in-laws (venting)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the problem with old women. They have outlived their usefulness, and they know it. They latch onto grandchildren in the vain hope of proving their worth to the tribe, when in reality, it's not needed or wanted. In more primitive societies, they'd be recognized for the unproductive leeches they are, and left to fend for themselves far away from the productive group members.

Wtf are you smoking?

[Anonymous]

Sending hugs op. No one seems to remember how it feels the first time ever when you become a mother. It's kind of crazy, in a beautiful, exhausting, anxiety-provoking way. Everything is new and there is a learning curve for every little thing. You're trying to find your way. You want to cry sometimes because you can't believe this tiny human is actually here, alive, and yours. You're crying because you feel like you have no idea what you are doing and you haven't slept for more than a 3 hour stretch in weeks. The last thing you need is family making you feel guilty for what you're doing or not doing. Or trying to navigate the tricky inlaws dynamics while sleep deprived and hormonal. The last thing you need is for people to make your life MORE stressful. And this isn't even your inlaws first grandchild. But for you, it's your very first.

It will get better.

Yes, your mil has boundary issues and she's being tactlessly possessive of your child. But she also probably will love that child well once you are clearheaded enough to be able to set appropriate boundaries with her. But this is a learning curve too and it will take time. You and your DH will need to get in the same page with the boundaries.

There were so many times I wanted to scream at my mil in the first 2 months. I didn't trust myself to handle her tactless, hurtful comments in a mature way in the beginning so I limited contact with them in the early weeks.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. I really do. I have posted about my MIL before. When I was pregnant, my MIL was badgering and pushing and being a complete pita about being in the delivery room with us. She was whining and bitching and moaning about how it wasn't fair that my mother would get to be there. My mother wasn't going to be there. We decided that just my husband and I would be there for delivery, a decision my mother accepted without question. When I told my MIL that my mom would not be in the delivery room, she didn't miss a beat and kept right on whining, bitching, and simpering about how she needed to be there. I literally put my sandwich down at lunch, looked her in the face and said, "I get to say who sees my vagina and you aren't on that list."

With a beginning like that, you can imagine how things went after her only grandchild was born. She spent years trying to cut my family out of our lives and make it so that we only spent time with her. I told her off over a holiday meal in public about 10 years ago. Best thing I ever did. She is far more respectful and easier to deal with now. If you need to set boundaries, set them.

Call her up. "Hi, Ethel. Would love to have you come over on Sunday. How does noon sound? Great! Bring lunch with you for all of us. You can hold the baby while I eat my lunch and then you and FIL and husband can clean up from lunch while I feed and change baby. Once baby is all settled, you can have her back and I am going to take a nice shower and get some sleep. Husband will show you the door at 4pm so we can have some family time before he goes back to work on Monday. Looking forward to it!"

And if she doesn't get a clue and follow your plan, when she pushes for more visits you just say, "Gee Ethel. Last time we talked, I was pretty clear about what help I needed and you had loads of time with baby. If that doesn't work for you, we'll have to wait until we are on a more manageable schedule for more visits."

And if she texts you about doctor visits, daycare, or any other parenting decision or choice that you haven't asked for input on, ignore, ignore, ignore. If you choose to respond, neutral non answers are best.

"How did the doctor visit go? Is everything ok? Did you get all the shots? What shots did you get? Is the baby gaining weight? Are you feeding the baby enough?"

"Everything is great, Ethel!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just take a nap when your nice in-laws come over. Or take the chance to go get a manicure or something. You seriously can't handle them coming over to visit 1 time a week for 1-2 hours, but you have no issue with your own mom coming? Horrible.

this. there is another thread by a new mom who is so sad because her parents have NO interest in the new baby. I know its hard at 5 weeks but this really is a great chance to take a nap or have one hour to yourself. You need to remember to find balance. Motherhood is a marathon not a sprint.

[Anonymous]

OP you are being unfair to them. They should get the same amount of time that your mother gets with the baby. Does your husband complain about you telling your mother about the baby's appointments? You sound a bit controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow. My inlaws want to visit and they do (baby is barely 2 weeks) but they don't change or do anything. They do brig food and then just sit with the baby on he couch for an hour. I wish they'd take completely over for that hour and change etc and I'd just nap. My mom does that and I appreciate it.

I am sorry PP but there is no way I will change your baby when you are in the house. No way! I will do your dishes, make a meal, do laundry, etc but no poppy diapers for me yet. Sorry. I don't mind holding and soothing her to sleep though once she is changed.

[Anonymous]

OP -

In another week or so you will be able to start working out, and you will start feeling like being out a bit more. Set up specific times when she can come over and you will leave. Plan your nursing around it. Go get a pedi, to the grocery store, whatever..... Let her have her time in a way that is advantageous to you, then send cues that it is time to leave (thanks so much for the help, grandma larla. it's time for baby to nurse, so she and I are going up to my room. I'll see you sometime next week!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it really matters whether OP is hormonal and exhausted - she most likely is, but that doesn't mean she needs to put up with intrusive, annoying behavior. And the best of intentions can still lead to intrusive, annoying behavior.

And I don't understand why OP can't be selfish right now. If there's ever a time in a woman's life when she deserves a break from the usual demands of smile, play nice, be agreeable, sacrifice your needs/wants for others, etc., this is it.

+1,000,000