My DD told me that I am the maid

[Anonymous]

I don't know a lot of parents of older teens but I'm starting to wonder if 13 is actually the most hellish year for dealing with behavior, at least with respect to girls.

I have ushered three kids through and past the age of 13, and, you are right, 13 is pretty much the worst. It does get better, even more so after 15.

I wish lots of strength and courage and patience to those of you still in the trenches of dealing with 13 year olds. You'll get through it!

[Anonymous]

Can you imagine if your daughter said that to one of her friend's moms? I was at a class party hosted by a friend. Since she bit the bullet of hosting, I offered to be an extra pair of hands for her. After the kids ate lunch provided by my friend, she said something like, "ok girls, give me a hand clearing the table and then back to the pool until it is time for cake." No joke, about a handful of kids got up and walked away without helping to clear and when called on it said, "Looks like x's mom is handling it." On the way home, I started to address these kids' attitude with my own. I started with, "If I ever-" And my kid cut me off saying, "I would never act that way. Someone would tell you and making you mad just isn't worth not picking up a few plates and cups to help out." Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know a lot of parents of older teens but I'm starting to wonder if 13 is actually the most hellish year for dealing with behavior, at least with respect to girls.

I have ushered three kids through and past the age of 13, and, you are right, 13 is pretty much the worst. It does get better, even more so after 15.

I wish lots of strength and courage and patience to those of you still in the trenches of dealing with 13 year olds. You'll get through it!

OP here. Wow it just is never-ending. DH and younger DD are gone this morning, and the Princess gets up and goes to watch TV. I say after she gets ready for basketball, and she says, "NO, I'm watching TV." I took the remote, and calmly said, "you can watch after you are dressed".

I swear, here is where some parents who would say, "just take the remote/make her shovel snow" don't get it. She got up and started fighting me for the remote. She's bigger now than I am. I walked out of the room with it, and she found another remote. I said, calmly, "you are not watching TV" and she said, "YES I AM!" And I said "I will tell your dean about this when explaining why I'm pulling you from your school," (she's at a very challenging and prestigious school this year, but was at a nearby school and could go back there--I have voiced concerns that this school might be great academically but not as good as the nearby school in instilling the moral compass).

Anyways I remained calm and did manage to hide all remotes, and she ended up calling DH and crying about how mean I was (and he backed me--couldn't hear it all but really good stuff.)

I know I must "drop the rope" if only for the fact that she will soon be stronger than me. But tell me, if I say no TV and she says "I AM WATCHING TV", if I then "drop the rope" and let her watch TV, how does that do anything but show her I'm a paper tiger?

I guess I should say "you watch now, and you will not watch again for a week"? I guess that's the answer rather than fighting with her over the remote. Yikes it's hard to think when you are in the moment--it took me writing this post to think of that seemingly obvious alternative. My arm is shaking as I type. It is really hard to be strategic in the moment.

So I guess my question to DCUM is, how to be able to think strategically in the moment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drop the rope, OP.

Do not engage. Stare at her and walk away.

Yes, this. Hardest thing to do, but that's what she needs. You have to develop a super thick skin to raise a teenager.

[Anonymous]

Read Yes Your Teen is Crazy! Loving Your Kid without Losing Your Mind by Michael Bradley. Excellent advice in there.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP. WOW. If you actually did say this to her:
"So, yes, there have been consequences for this behavior and a discussion about this, culminating in me saying, "I would rather you fail out of school than be of poor moral character. The world doesn't need another smart, straight-A asshole!"" ... and if you really did call her a PIG, then you need to realize something:

She is learning immature, rude, inappropriate, dramatic, diva-like language and behavior FROM YOU. If you speak to HER with this amount of disrespect, then why would she respect you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know a lot of parents of older teens but I'm starting to wonder if 13 is actually the most hellish year for dealing with behavior, at least with respect to girls.

I have ushered three kids through and past the age of 13, and, you are right, 13 is pretty much the worst. It does get better, even more so after 15.

I wish lots of strength and courage and patience to those of you still in the trenches of dealing with 13 year olds. You'll get through it!

OP here. Wow it just is never-ending. DH and younger DD are gone this morning, and the Princess gets up and goes to watch TV. I say after she gets ready for basketball, and she says, "NO, I'm watching TV." I took the remote, and calmly said, "you can watch after you are dressed".

I swear, here is where some parents who would say, "just take the remote/make her shovel snow" don't get it. She got up and started fighting me for the remote. She's bigger now than I am. I walked out of the room with it, and she found another remote. I said, calmly, "you are not watching TV" and she said, "YES I AM!" And I said "I will tell your dean about this when explaining why I'm pulling you from your school," (she's at a very challenging and prestigious school this year, but was at a nearby school and could go back there--I have voiced concerns that this school might be great academically but not as good as the nearby school in instilling the moral compass).

Anyways I remained calm and did manage to hide all remotes, and she ended up calling DH and crying about how mean I was (and he backed me--couldn't hear it all but really good stuff.)

I know I must "drop the rope" if only for the fact that she will soon be stronger than me. But tell me, if I say no TV and she says "I AM WATCHING TV", if I then "drop the rope" and let her watch TV, how does that do anything but show her I'm a paper tiger?

I guess I should say "you watch now, and you will not watch again for a week"? I guess that's the answer rather than fighting with her over the remote. Yikes it's hard to think when you are in the moment--it took me writing this post to think of that seemingly obvious alternative. My arm is shaking as I type. It is really hard to be strategic in the moment.

So I guess my question to DCUM is, how to be able to think strategically in the moment?

You daughter IS the alpha female in your house. There was never a day in my mind, even in my shitty teenage years, that I would have felt ok trying to wrestle something from my mom's hand.

Her laundry is the least of your worries. I think you need a sit down with your DH, and a visit with a therapist or some parenting classes.

I literally would not do a thing for her. Nothing. She would cook her own food, wash her own clothes, pack her own lunch, and I might make her work to live in my house. She thinks she is your peer. I would shut that down in a hurry.

[Anonymous]

This is what happens when feminists and other working women look down on SAHMs. You are a dirtball to be used and abused. And if you think this isn't true, ask around what some pay for housekeepers and nannies. Prostitutes make more for sex and are respected. Uber drivers get paid more than the mother taxi. Mothers work very hard yet make ZERO.

We women have truly fucked up a few generations of girls. It's solely our own fault.

Disrespectful little bitches. Just like the grownup bitches here. Rude, snarky, snotty, hate filled, envious, nasty mouthed, know it all women.

Yes, this is what OP and others have to look forward to.

[Anonymous]

My eleven year old (middle school basketball) is required to keep track of his own games, wash his own bedding, school uniforms and sports laundry, and ensure he has what he needs for each day. This has been the deal since he hit middle school sports at age 10. Failure to stay on top of his shit means he goes to the game wearing dirty clothes (luckily he's a benchwarmer in b-ball so there isn't too much smell factor). If he said to me what your daughter said to you, I'd calmly make it ALL his job. His casual clothes (which I often do for him as a favor when I see them piling up), his own lunches and dinners, and all his own dishes, until his attitude improved and he apologized unprompted. I don't intend to raise lazy entitled monsters.

[Anonymous]

1305 here. For whatever it's worth to identify my "team", I'm a WAHM - I work part time as a Journalist from home with deadlines and telework meetings and all that. But I am here, and probably COULD do his laundry ... I just think it's important for him to know it is his responsibility.

[Anonymous]

]You daughter IS the alpha female in your house. There was never a day in my mind, even in my shitty teenage years, that I would have felt ok trying to wrestle something from my mom's hand.

OP here. I respectfully disagree, PP. She is not the alpha. She either wants to be the alpha, or test the alpha to make sure the alpha will not flinch. The fighting comes when their is a challenge to the alpha status, not when the status is accepted by all in the pack. She is pushing boundaries and she will not win because I won't allow her to. I do think that it is a normal developmental stage but my struggle is that she's a strong personality, and so am I, and I am not perfect when I'm in the heat of it. I firmly believe that my other DD will not be like this, because not all individuals are so alpha-ish in makeup that they would challenge the alpha. PP, it could be true that your mom was just better at this than me, or it could be true that your personality is such that you would never vie for alpha status.

With respect to a PP or two a few pages back that assume because she's doing this, that she's one of the mean girls at school to watch out for, I absolutely disagree. She is considered one of the nicer, kinder kids, and all through the years, parents have volunteered how polite or kind she is. Both her friends and their parents like being with her. It is not a show--she IS kind, nice, and has good manners when with others. She saves all the vitriol for her mother--a safe place to use it, like the kindergartener who is great at school but melts down at home. I've mentioned this to a couple of friends in order to get advice, and each was astounded that this "sweet kid they've known for years" was capable of this behavior.

Now as an update, all was calm around the house, and DD was preparing to depart for the rest of the day. She just came up to me and said, "Mom? I want to say that I'm sorry I yelled at you." I could tell it was sincere, not manipulation. And I said thank you, and I apologized for my part in this, and she hugged me and left on a good note.

And no, this does not make it all better and she still has huge consequences for her behavior, but just want to report that there is a glimmer of hope here. And my other glimmer of hope is the PPs who said they've lived through it and it gets better.

What I'm looking for, as I mentioned before, is not consequences (I'd take away her x/make her do laundry) as we've got the consequences down. What I would really like help in is how, in the moment, do I think clearly enough to "drop the rope" but not cave in?

[Anonymous]

their=there
darn auto-correct.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Yes, PP I will read your book recommendation. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

OP - It would seem that you and DH need to have a "sit down" with both daughters and let them know there will some new "house rules."

1- Dinner dishes are now going to be a task done by or at least shared by both girls. The minimum would be they take turns clearing all dishes into the dishwasher and learning to store any left over food. Washing the pots and pans would be however you want to handle it. You and DH would leave the table and go watch the news. This could be a flexible arrangement if there were school events, but the schedule would be set up.

2- Laundry for DD13 will now be done by her with you showing her how to do it. DD9 can learn to do a weekly tub of towels as well as her set of sheets as needed to introduce her to the skils.

3 - Both daughters will be responsible for changing their own bed sheets as you see fit and running them through the washer.

Obviously there are other household tasks that you and DH can start to add by summer time for Ms.Princess such as preparing and packing her own lunch for school or camp or if at home and cleaning up from it. Also learning to help with meal prep, dust vacuum, clean a bathroom etc.

More importantly, however, is her lack of respect for you which must be the priority to nip in the bud NOW. I would let her know in no uncertain terms that if she defies a direct command from you as she did on the TV, you will not take her on because she will know what the consequences will be that you and DH will choose depending on the siituation:

1- Turn in her cell phone for a week. And this means no calls from friends on any other phone in the house.

2- No screen time meaning on the computer or tv - unless directly doing homework in open space.

3- Doing the dinner dishes on her own for one week - no matter the activity.

You are reaching the hardest period of parenting when kids will test the limits and buck the rules, but if you stay the course, your daughters will likely thank you DD will likely thank you for doing so in about eight years. You should not have to explain your daily life to her for any reason. It sounds as it for your mental health dealing with Ms. Brat that you will benefit from being out of the house and encountering other adults. Do not feel like you need to rush back into the work world, but it might be time to entertain if there is something you could see yourself doing in the future that might be come attainable by taking some classes, renewing a professional license or even exploring options for part-time. Or if you had a skill set you could use in a volunteer capacity giving some thought to that such as health care, law, business or teaching.

A final thought about older DD - what does she do during the summer -- because it sounds like she is one who might benefit from doing some volunteer work in the next year or two and seeing the other side of life. Try to do some research on options even for next summer to give her a choice, but definitely keep it mind. Also, if you do not come down hard on house rules, there is likely to be disrespect for your views on other teen vices, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you aren't asking for advice, but it sounds to me like you are engaging her WAY too much. There is so much back and forth in your description, and hateful comments being thrown from both sides.

For the plate bussing, all you needed to do is calmly repeat yourself, then impose a consequence for disrespect. (Maybe canceling a social activity since she is indicating she doesn't have time to fulfill family and academic obligations)

For the laundry issue, i would have stuck to a 'wow, you don't talk to me like that. You are now in charge of your own laundry, and we can discuss this again in a month.' End of story, no more engaging,

This is good advice.

We got tired of the endless dragging out of bedtimes in our house, with our 12yo ending up hanging around and stalling till 9:30 and 10pm. i NEED them to go to bed, even just to read, at 9ish, so i can have some time to recharge and talk to my H before i sleep at 10.

Here is what is working well for us. They must be in bed, teeth brushed, reading, by 8:45. they can read until 9:15. if they miss this deadline, phone is taken the next day. impassive enforcement is key. do not respond to reasons why they need to stay up later such as needing a shower. this is failure to plan and is on them. stay impassive, enforce, and do not engage in drama.