My DD told me that I am the maid

[Anonymous]

Have you tried talking to her coach about what's going on? My parents did this when I was a kid and my attitude was gone quickly.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, OP, that you are experiencing this. I have not read all the replies, but your DD needs to do her own laundry. And she is also old enough to cook one day a week. She could also wash dinner dishes on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know a lot of parents of older teens but I'm starting to wonder if 13 is actually the most hellish year for dealing with behavior, at least with respect to girls.

I have ushered three kids through and past the age of 13, and, you are right, 13 is pretty much the worst. It does get better, even more so after 15.

I wish lots of strength and courage and patience to those of you still in the trenches of dealing with 13 year olds. You'll get through it!

OP here. Wow it just is never-ending. DH and younger DD are gone this morning, and the Princess gets up and goes to watch TV. I say after she gets ready for basketball, and she says, "NO, I'm watching TV." I took the remote, and calmly said, "you can watch after you are dressed".

I swear, here is where some parents who would say, "just take the remote/make her shovel snow" don't get it. She got up and started fighting me for the remote. She's bigger now than I am. I walked out of the room with it, and she found another remote. I said, calmly, "you are not watching TV" and she said, "YES I AM!" And I said "I will tell your dean about this when explaining why I'm pulling you from your school," (she's at a very challenging and prestigious school this year, but was at a nearby school and could go back there--I have voiced concerns that this school might be great academically but not as good as the nearby school in instilling the moral compass).

Anyways I remained calm and did manage to hide all remotes, and she ended up calling DH and crying about how mean I was (and he backed me--couldn't hear it all but really good stuff.)

I know I must "drop the rope" if only for the fact that she will soon be stronger than me. But tell me, if I say no TV and she says "I AM WATCHING TV", if I then "drop the rope" and let her watch TV, how does that do anything but show her I'm a paper tiger?

I guess I should say "you watch now, and you will not watch again for a week"? I guess that's the answer rather than fighting with her over the remote. Yikes it's hard to think when you are in the moment--it took me writing this post to think of that seemingly obvious alternative. My arm is shaking as I type. It is really hard to be strategic in the moment.

So I guess my question to DCUM is, how to be able to think strategically in the moment?

Don't threaten. Anything you say, you follow through.

Don't get the remotes, disconnect the cords, and leave them disconnected for 24 hours. Have her explain to everyone why nobody is watching anything. I don't do delayed consequences for this type of thing, so no, I wouldn't do watch now, nothing for a week.

Never, ever, ever get into a grabbing match with a child even close to your size.

If she was told to get dressed for basketball and said she was watching TV, I would walk away without saying another word. No reminder of what time it is, no reminder to get dressed. I would be reading on my bed, and when she came to get me for my ride, my response would be that I was reading, I would be with her at the end of the chapter (and I would follow through).

I have a very, very hot temper, but the kids don't know that. When I get annoyed or angry, I take deep breaths and consciously make my volume go down slowly. If they want to know what I'm saying, they have to be quiet. And I don't engage with anyone whose voice is raised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren't this âge yet but the book 123 Magic addresses older kids in the last chapters. Two things he recommends are natural consequences and bartering.
Natural consequences means that if she wants to watch TV instead of preparing for basketball practice then she will be late and have to deal with her coach.
Bartering means that if she doesn't want to clear her plate, that's fine but you will charge $10 to do it for her. She can decide whether to pay the fee or do it herself. This works if she has spending money or an allowance and if you have no qualms about getting paid.

I have neither the time nor the interest to deal with this bullshit.

NP. How is the bolded bullshit? That's been pretty much our approach on most things. You choose your action, you choose the consequences, but your actions don't get to create a crisis -- practical or emotional -- for anyone else. 4 kids, 22, 20, 12, and 3. The 3 year old isn't generally ready for this approach yet, but it works or worked reasonably for the older kids.

Not a fan of 123 Magic or bartering. On the other hand, I like natural consequences (best written in Love and Logic, imo), even as young as 3. For very young kids, I'm willing to help (child doesn't want to put on a coat, I will put it in the trunk, but they still have to wait til I can pull over to get it, and the coat will be cold), older kids and teens can reason out the consequences for themselves.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd tell her if she's acting like a child with the remote, she gets treated like a child. Put a parent lock code on all the TVs. She then has to ask permission from you to watch, because you have to unlock it like she's 3 instead of 13.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, I did not call her a pig. I said my job was to make sure I did not raise a pig.

I also was referring to behavior when I made the ass*ole remark. But anyways, DH privately got all over me for that.

Not my best moments, I agree.

Bottom line, re PPs focusing on that, I already *know* that engaging with her or getting all worked up is not good modeling. I keep asking for how to handle being strategic in the moment.

You know what we teach little kids, about stopping and counting to ten, or taking three deep breaths, or whatever to calm down? This is good advice for adults, too. You don't need to react immediately. You can absolutely take a minute to calm down and think. You can even say, "This behavior is unacceptable. I am going to decide what consequence is appropriate, and I will tell you after dinner."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really do not understand how I've raised such a b***h Princess 13 y.o. DD. I have always had boundaries, rules, consequences, etc. etc. She is so horrible right now, I am not kidding if I could get out of here and leave her with DH I would, but for my younger, sweet DD. This older DD has always, always vied for Alpha status and been self-centered and not the best at empathy, and now that she's a teen, it's risen to a whole other level.

This is the latest. She got up from dinner to start studying. I reminded her to bus her plate.
"No, mom, you do it, I have to study!"
I said, "look, honey, you still need to bus your plate.
[i]"MOM, you are WASTING my time, just DO IT for me!"
I said, "You need to do it; I am not the maid!" and she said,

"Well, actually, mom, you ARE. I could see if you had a job, but you don't. So you basically ARE our maid."

I told her, "My job is not to be the maid. My job is to raise kids who are not PIGS!"

So, yes, there have been consequences for this behavior and a discussion about this, culminating in me saying, "I would rather you fail out of school than be of poor moral character. The world doesn't need another smart, straight-A asshole!"

However; a couple days later, I forgot that DD had two basketball games in the same week, so did not have her uniform washed for the second game. She was furious and said, "oh great, now I have to wear a dirty uniform because SOMEONE was LOUNGING around instead of washing my clothes!"

YES, DCUM, she received big consequences for this mouthing off. Also I had much consternation because this was one of my concerns when becoming a SAHM; that my kids would not respect what I do (and the sacrifice I made with my career to do it--and to get that damn career, I needed a lot of education--it was a career I aspired to and worked for for many years). Btw we couldn't do it any other way because my career involved travel and was a thing I couldn't do part time, and DH's hours are super-long. Basically I either became a SAHM or we would have to have a nanny raise them.

You would laugh because the next day, I applied to volunteer at a local museum (I'd been contemplating it anyways) and that night I told her, "I applied for a job. I don't think it's good for me to be seen as just the maid." Anyways as an aside, I'm really looking forward to my "job" and I'm not going to mention that it's "just volunteer"!

My post is not asking how to handle this. My post is really a lament, and a plea to know if this is some stage, and if anyone has gone through this and came out of it intact. Basically, it's a pity-party by me, and any words of encouragement would be helpful.

OP, you are lying. If you had rules, boundaries and consequences your daughter would not dream of talking to you like that. The entire conversation you decribed is evidence that you don't have any consequences. What is her punishment for refusing chores and talking disrespectfully to people who feed and house her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you were working, your daughter would mouth off about how you are working and never home when she needs/wants something.

Teenagers are just crappy at times!

And they WILL find something to push your buttons and hurt you.

THIS. So this. I work part time so I get both-I work too much and am not there the second she wants me and then the next day I am a sloth eating bon bons.

[Anonymous]

OP I have no useful advice at all because my kids are still little. But I just wanted to say that you come across in these posts as a really reasonable and decent person who is making an honest attempt to resolve a really difficult situation (including being honest about your role in it). I'm sorry that others have used this to take a pop at SAHMs. I work out of home but my own mother was a SAHM. I suspect that I was vile to her at times when I was 13. Now, we have a brilliant relationship and I look back full of gratitude for the sacrifices she made for the family.

It must be extraordinarily emotionally taxing. Hang in there. I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

"The two worst times in a woman's life are when she is 13, and when her daughter is 13."

Heard that long ago somewhere. Knew the first part was right, and steeled myself for the future.

My 5 y.o. DD is already getting mouthy. She has always been a bit challenging. Some of this advice is useful for me too, thanks PPs.

[Anonymous]

OP, no advice, just sympathy and hugs. Raising kids is challenging, and no choice we make is perfect. Sounds like you are doing the best you can, and things will get better. My 16-year-old is much nicer now than 2 years ago. My 8-year-old, on the other and, is already getting quite sassy….

I have always found it difficult to impose consequences. With the 16-year-old, on rare occasions when we have bad conflicts, it's hard to imagine what an effective consequence could be. I can take all his devices away, but then he can't do homework. I can ground him but somehow it just seems silly (if e wants to leave, he will just leave, he is bigger than stronger than I am). Thankfully it does not happen very often.

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update.

First, thank you PP who recommended "Yes, your Teen is Crazy!"---I know the brain development stuff so I just cut to Part 2, "Understanding your Role and Accepting Your Challenge." Great stuff and I'm reading it now.

Love the part about mourning the death of your sweet kind little kid. So true.

Anyways, folks, after my last post, things really calmed down and she apologized and I saw a glimmer of my old kid there.

I had called my pediatrician and (she was out for a family emergency) and by the time she got back to me it felt like old news. However; I relayed my story anyways and asked if we needed family counseling, and she said this was well within the realm of normal 13 y.o. behavior. She gave me some great advice. Part of that advice was to bring her in for a checkup, where the pede gives the "teen lecture" about how independence is earned.

I think the biggest takeaway is to not get into verbal or a physical struggle with a teen. So for example: If I say "No TV" and she says "I'm watching TV" then my old self would feel compelled to stop her because I had drawn a line in the sand.

But the idea is to NOT grab the remote or get into a verbal war, but say instead, "I said no TV. If you watch TV then ____"(insert consequence in here; no friend over, no clothes shopping this weekend, whatever) and walk away. That's different than what I have been doing.

The book also talks about how the teen's brain wants stimulation, so getting into a verbal fight actually reinforces the teen to get into MORE verbal fights because it stimulates their brain. It says, the best is when you are in a rage, face red and screaming at them--lots of verbal stimulation! It's all about walking away--not letting their bad behavior get reinforced by your emotional reaction.

Anyhow, I appreciate the helpful responses on here, and the sympathetic responses too!

[Anonymous]

Great news, OP! Helpful post, and good thread overall (minus the trolls, SAHM-bashers, and mommy-shamers, of course!). Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update.

First, thank you PP who recommended "Yes, your Teen is Crazy!"---I know the brain development stuff so I just cut to Part 2, "Understanding your Role and Accepting Your Challenge." Great stuff and I'm reading it now.

Love the part about mourning the death of your sweet kind little kid. So true.

Anyways, folks, after my last post, things really calmed down and she apologized and I saw a glimmer of my old kid there.

I had called my pediatrician and (she was out for a family emergency) and by the time she got back to me it felt like old news. However; I relayed my story anyways and asked if we needed family counseling, and she said this was well within the realm of normal 13 y.o. behavior. She gave me some great advice. Part of that advice was to bring her in for a checkup, where the pede gives the "teen lecture" about how independence is earned.

I think the biggest takeaway is to not get into verbal or a physical struggle with a teen. So for example: If I say "No TV" and she says "I'm watching TV" then my old self would feel compelled to stop her because I had drawn a line in the sand.

But the idea is to NOT grab the remote or get into a verbal war, but say instead, "I said no TV. If you watch TV then ____"(insert consequence in here; no friend over, no clothes shopping this weekend, whatever) and walk away. That's different than what I have been doing.

The book also talks about how the teen's brain wants stimulation, so getting into a verbal fight actually reinforces the teen to get into MORE verbal fights because it stimulates their brain. It says, the best is when you are in a rage, face red and screaming at them--lots of verbal stimulation! It's all about walking away--not letting their bad behavior get reinforced by your emotional reaction.

Anyhow, I appreciate the helpful responses on here, and the sympathetic responses too!

Exactly! If you can, drop your volume, as it will force her to be quieter if she wants to hear you. And as I said, never threaten. Threatening means that you might or might not follow through. Everything you say must happen if she's going to believe you and start to change her behavior.