My DD told me that I am the maid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know a lot of parents of older teens but I'm starting to wonder if 13 is actually the most hellish year for dealing with behavior, at least with respect to girls.

I have ushered three kids through and past the age of 13, and, you are right, 13 is pretty much the worst. It does get better, even more so after 15.

I wish lots of strength and courage and patience to those of you still in the trenches of dealing with 13 year olds. You'll get through it!

OP here. Wow it just is never-ending. DH and younger DD are gone this morning, and the Princess gets up and goes to watch TV. I say after she gets ready for basketball, and she says, "NO, I'm watching TV." I took the remote, and calmly said, "you can watch after you are dressed".

I swear, here is where some parents who would say, "just take the remote/make her shovel snow" don't get it. She got up and started fighting me for the remote. She's bigger now than I am. I walked out of the room with it, and she found another remote. I said, calmly, "you are not watching TV" and she said, "YES I AM!" And I said "I will tell your dean about this when explaining why I'm pulling you from your school," (she's at a very challenging and prestigious school this year, but was at a nearby school and could go back there--I have voiced concerns that this school might be great academically but not as good as the nearby school in instilling the moral compass).

Anyways I remained calm and did manage to hide all remotes, and she ended up calling DH and crying about how mean I was (and he backed me--couldn't hear it all but really good stuff.)

I know I must "drop the rope" if only for the fact that she will soon be stronger than me. But tell me, if I say no TV and she says "I AM WATCHING TV", if I then "drop the rope" and let her watch TV, how does that do anything but show her I'm a paper tiger?

I guess I should say "you watch now, and you will not watch again for a week"? I guess that's the answer rather than fighting with her over the remote. Yikes it's hard to think when you are in the moment--it took me writing this post to think of that seemingly obvious alternative. My arm is shaking as I type. It is really hard to be strategic in the moment.

So I guess my question to DCUM is, how to be able to think strategically in the moment?

OMG you do not get into a physical struggle with her!

You say, "you can choose to continue to watch TV, but if you do, you will have no phone tomorrow." then go about your business.

[Anonymous]

^Good advice!

I'm sorry, OP, what a nightmare! Can you have her do some volunteer work (say, in exchange for phone privileges) so she can get over herself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 13, she is old enough to do her own laundry. Regardless of anything else you do, it's time for her to start doing that.

+1. Oh hell yes. It is time for her to be as independent as possible so she can be her own f%$ing "maid."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP. WOW. If you actually did say this to her:
"So, yes, there have been consequences for this behavior and a discussion about this, culminating in me saying, "I would rather you fail out of school than be of poor moral character. The world doesn't need another smart, straight-A asshole!"" ... and if you really did call her a PIG, then you need to realize something:

She is learning immature, rude, inappropriate, dramatic, diva-like language and behavior FROM YOU. If you speak to HER with this amount of disrespect, then why would she respect you?

THIS. You are teaching her that, when you are a grown-up, you can call people a pig/asshole. Or that *when you are alpha female,* you can call people a pig/asshole. You teach people how to treat you by how you treat them.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To clarify, I did not call her a pig. I said my job was to make sure I did not raise a pig.

I also was referring to behavior when I made the ass*ole remark. But anyways, DH privately got all over me for that.

Not my best moments, I agree.

Bottom line, re PPs focusing on that, I already *know* that engaging with her or getting all worked up is not good modeling. I keep asking for how to handle being strategic in the moment.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious to know just WHAT the consequences are, OP? Clearly they aren't making an impression on her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what happens when feminists and other working women look down on SAHMs. You are a dirtball to be used and abused. And if you think this isn't true, ask around what some pay for housekeepers and nannies. Prostitutes make more for sex and are respected. Uber drivers get paid more than the mother taxi. Mothers work very hard yet make ZERO.

We women have truly fucked up a few generations of girls. It's solely our own fault.

Disrespectful little bitches. Just like the grownup bitches here. Rude, snarky, snotty, hate filled, envious, nasty mouthed, know it all women.

Yes, this is what OP and others have to look forward to.

Cuckoo bird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know a lot of parents of older teens but I'm starting to wonder if 13 is actually the most hellish year for dealing with behavior, at least with respect to girls.

I have ushered three kids through and past the age of 13, and, you are right, 13 is pretty much the worst. It does get better, even more so after 15.

I wish lots of strength and courage and patience to those of you still in the trenches of dealing with 13 year olds. You'll get through it!

OP here. Wow it just is never-ending. DH and younger DD are gone this morning, and the Princess gets up and goes to watch TV. I say after she gets ready for basketball, and she says, "NO, I'm watching TV." I took the remote, and calmly said, "you can watch after you are dressed".

I swear, here is where some parents who would say, "just take the remote/make her shovel snow" don't get it. She got up and started fighting me for the remote. She's bigger now than I am. I walked out of the room with it, and she found another remote. I said, calmly, "you are not watching TV" and she said, "YES I AM!" And I said "I will tell your dean about this when explaining why I'm pulling you from your school," (she's at a very challenging and prestigious school this year, but was at a nearby school and could go back there--I have voiced concerns that this school might be great academically but not as good as the nearby school in instilling the moral compass).

Anyways I remained calm and did manage to hide all remotes, and she ended up calling DH and crying about how mean I was (and he backed me--couldn't hear it all but really good stuff.)

I know I must "drop the rope" if only for the fact that she will soon be stronger than me. But tell me, if I say no TV and she says "I AM WATCHING TV", if I then "drop the rope" and let her watch TV, how does that do anything but show her I'm a paper tiger?

I guess I should say "you watch now, and you will not watch again for a week"? I guess that's the answer rather than fighting with her over the remote. Yikes it's hard to think when you are in the moment--it took me writing this post to think of that seemingly obvious alternative. My arm is shaking as I type. It is really hard to be strategic in the moment.

So I guess my question to DCUM is, how to be able to think strategically in the moment?

OMG you do not get into a physical struggle with her!

You say, "you can choose to continue to watch TV, but if you do, you will have no phone tomorrow." then go about your business.

Or, "you can choose to watch TV, but I won't be driving you to basketball if you don't do as I ask."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, I did not call her a pig. I said my job was to make sure I did not raise a pig.

I also was referring to behavior when I made the ass*ole remark. But anyways, DH privately got all over me for that.

Not my best moments, I agree.

Bottom line, re PPs focusing on that, I already *know* that engaging with her or getting all worked up is not good modeling. I keep asking for how to handle being strategic in the moment.

I recommend the book ""Wise Minded Parenting"
by Laura Kastner
Tonite it really helped me not kill my tween when said child went into full meltdown mode.

[Anonymous]

Is it a cultural thing?

My kid would have been slapped hard for talking to me like that.

Yes, kids procrastinate and mine do too. My kids tell me that they will do something and take their own sweet time doing it. BUT , but they would talk disrespectfully to me only if they had a deathwish.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe you got a "job" because your teen insulted you. Really. Think about that for a minute.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. No advice OP. My mom was not a SAHM but I was mean and nasty to her at 13 & I feel bad now. At 16 we were better and we very close now and talk everyday. I would ignore her. Nothing you say will help. She wants to upset you. Sorry

[Anonymous]

She did what, now over the tv??

I hope you didn't take her to basketball after that. She is beyond disrespectful.

Every single time she is disrespectful, she loses something. Act like that over the tv, she loses that privilege.

If she wants to play basketball maybe she needs to earn the right to do so, by being respectful so you will take her to practices and games. Or not grounding her so she's able to go to basketball.

[Anonymous]

She is 13. She should wash her own clothes. My mom was a sahm and after I complained once that she shrunk my clothes, she decided that I would be washing all of my clothes from then on. I was 11.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe you got a "job" because your teen insulted you. Really. Think about that for a minute.

This stuck out to me, too. And it's a volunteer gig, but she's hiding that she won't be getting paid from her family. From everything OP has said it sounds like she has a case of arrested development, because the immaturity is overwhelming. I think OP needs therapy to learn to be an adult, and therapy to learn to parent an obnoxious teen. The fact that she thinks the way to win an argument is to physically overpower this girl is a huge red flag.