My DD told me that I am the maid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drop the rope, OP.

Do not engage. Stare at her and walk away.

Yes.

You are taking too much of what she says personally. Remember her brain is incomplete. She dealing with lots of pressure and emotions, but literally has underdeveloped brain centers to put these things in perspective.

Buy her a laundry basket and some detergent tell her she's repsonsible for her basketball jersey.

[Anonymous]

12.5 to 13.5 was absolute hell with my DD. Not quite as bad as what you describe but certainly awful for me. I've seen a slight improvement in the last 6 months but it has it hasn't been long enough to tell if it was a phase outgrown.

She has also always been difficult but never had attitude. She also has much sweeter younger sibs.

I'm also a SAHM. I also verbally engage too much.

When she told me that laundry was my job (actually not in a rude manner, more matter of fact, but equally troubling!), I told her that her laundry was now 100% her responsibility. It actually has been working out fine other than the excessively small loads that are not energy efficient that I was trying to avoid by consolidating family laundry.

I don't know a lot of parents of older teens but I'm starting to wonder if 13 is actually the most hellish year for dealing with behavior, at least with respect to girls.

[Anonymous]

My mom was a SAHM and I was doing my own laundry at 13. She wasn't lazy, she was caring for three younger siblings, including a set of twins. OP, don't engage but enforce consequences. Don't carry plate to sink? Fine, make your own meals. Bitch about laundry? Fine, do your own. I also hope the "maid" isn't paying a smartphone bill...

[Anonymous]

SAH or WOH, it is important to teach your kids value of other people's labor and the only way to do it is to add some chores to her day. When I was about 10
I ran into the house in my dirty shoes as my mom was moping the floor. She told me to not do that again, but I had some smart comment about it. She made me mop the floors in the whole house. This was the 1st time I realized how hard it is to keep the house clean. This lesson stuck with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: It actually has been working out fine other than the excessively small loads that are not energy efficient that I was trying to avoid by consolidating family laundry.

I'm surprised this subject doesn't arise more often in the children's chores discussion. Maybe it's worth the extra water and energy for kids to learn this task? Is it the motivation of not wanting dirty clothes that makes laundry (rather than cleaning or other house tasks) more attractive to parents to get their kids started earlier?

[Anonymous]

It is the perfect setup for her to do chores. My kids have been doing their laundry since they were 8. She's overdue. Show her how to do it and if she forgets her uniform or whatever, oh well. That's life. Welcome to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drop the rope, OP.

Do not engage. Stare at her and walk away.

Exactly
And stop doing for her
No cooking
No laundry
No driving
Don't do s****

[Anonymous]

Are you for real? If my kid repeatedly spoke to me that way, I'd go on strike. I would stop cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and driving her (except to school and appointments). No more sports, no more laundry, cook for yourself, etc. until she can learn to behave and be respectful.

[Anonymous]

Once m sweet 13 year old said that I am only here to do the laundry. I started listing everything and I mean everything that I do for 2 pets, kids, DH, and WOH. She was exhausted listening to me. I plan on repeating it if necessary so she'll know the lecture or mantra is coming if she gets sassy. i was happy to discover she cooked us dinner and dessert one day when I worked but she was home. Teens test you and you are good to raise a contributing member of society adn family!

[Anonymous]

Mine oldest has been doing her own laundry since 11 because of similar sass. Mine are 15 and 17 and they now do laundry for our whole family as part of their regular chores. I do not punish with regular chores. I take away electronic devices and make them run errands with me.

[Anonymous]

OP, I nearly left my 13 yo in Home Depot today so the employees there could finish raising him. I feel you. Teens make me want to flip over tables sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Out of the mouths of babes, as they say.

I think the deeper issue is that yes, OP, you are in practice the maid of the house because you gave up your career to take care of the house--especially true once the kids were in school full-time. This doesn't mean that DD had the right to say this in a hurtful way so as to get out of busing her dishes, but undoubtedly the reason why this cuts so deeply is because there's an element of truth to it.

You need to get DH on board with this. But, your DD is a pretty sharp cookie, and she will likely notice that your DH is pulling a "do as I say, not as I do." How does DH see your role in the house? Can you answer this objectively?

Nonetheless, DD has to learn how to clean up after herself and to respect that as a part of the family, everyone has to do their share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reason 4738348 not to be a SAHM.

No. My boys are 12 and 9 and do the dishes, and part of the laundry, and pet care, and trash and compost, and their bathroom. It is not that hard to train your kids to be a part of the household.

Her daughter knew which button to push to cause the most drama. That's all.

Agreed. This has nothing to do with being a SAHM (I WOH). Our job is to raise people who aren't assholes and can take care of themselves. And teens are assholes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I think she has a point. As a SAHM, it is your job to be on top of ensuring sports clothes are clean, meal prep and tidying etc.

OP here. Thank you all for your replies, and want to reassure you that there were significant consequences to this outrageous behavior. FYI for those who asked, DH is supportive. And I agree with PPs that I am engaging too much. I love the "drop the rope" comment because it's a really easy phrase to remember when in the thick of it. I think I'll make a post-it of this and remind myself every morning.

I want to comment on this PP. I agree with you that for our household, the way we have work divided, it was my job to get the laundry done. We haven't had two games in one week before, and I did not think it through, and if she had just said, "oh, no, it's not washed!" I would have apologized because I did screw up there.

But we are all working hard and we all make mistakes, and there is no excuse for berating someone and yelling "someone was LOUNGING" when they make a mistake. This is not the behavior we have modeled and I don't know where she gets it. And the thing that bugs me about the "lounging comment" is it is indicative of her not understanding that I work most of the day; there is so much more in my job besides housework, given that DH works long hours.

As for PP's comment above, "I think she has a point" about me being the maid, I agree with you also, and that's what causes me the consternation. Why wouldn't she think I was the maid? She didn't see my life, my career, before kids. She doesn't see the stuff I do besides housework.

So the two specific issues are 1) seeing me as the maid, and 2) thinking that I spend an hour or so picking up the house and then go eat bonbons for the rest of the day.

But again, my overarching issue is that unlike a maid, I am charged with raising a decent human being with good moral character and my lament is that I may be failing in that regard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: It actually has been working out fine other than the excessively small loads that are not energy efficient that I was trying to avoid by consolidating family laundry.

I'm surprised this subject doesn't arise more often in the children's chores discussion. Maybe it's worth the extra water and energy for kids to learn this task? Is it the motivation of not wanting dirty clothes that makes laundry (rather than cleaning or other house tasks) more attractive to parents to get their kids started earlier?

I solved it by having my boys do all the laundry. So, they did it for the whole family thus saving time and energy.