Reply to My DD told me that I am the maid

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[quote=Anonymous][quote]]You daughter IS the alpha female in your house. There was never a day in my mind, even in my shitty teenage years, that I would have felt ok trying to wrestle something from my mom's hand. [/quote]

OP here.  I respectfully disagree, PP.  She is not the alpha.  She either wants to be the alpha, or test the alpha to make sure the alpha will not flinch.  The fighting comes when their is a challenge to the alpha status, not when the status is accepted by all in the pack.  She is pushing boundaries and she will not win because I won't allow her to.  I do think that it is a normal developmental stage but my struggle is that she's a strong personality, and so am I, and I am not perfect when I'm in the heat of it.  I firmly believe that my other DD will not be like this, because not all individuals are so alpha-ish in makeup that they would challenge the alpha.  PP, it could be true that your mom was just better at this than me, or it could be true that your personality is such that you would never vie for alpha status.

With respect to a PP or two a few pages back that assume because she's doing this, that she's one of the mean girls at school to watch out for, I absolutely disagree.  She is considered one of the nicer, kinder kids, and all through the years, parents have volunteered how polite or kind she is.  Both her friends and their parents like being with her.  It is not a show--she IS kind, nice, and has good manners when with others.  She saves all the vitriol for her mother--a safe place to use it, like the kindergartener who is great at school but melts down at home.  I've mentioned this to a couple of friends in order to get advice, and each was astounded that this "sweet kid they've known for years" was capable of this behavior.

Now as an update, all was calm around the house, and DD was preparing to depart for the rest of the day.  She just came up to me and said, "Mom?  I want to say that I'm sorry I yelled at you."  I could tell it was sincere, not manipulation.  And I said thank you, and I apologized for my part in this, and she hugged me and left on a good note.

And no, this does not make it all better and she still has huge consequences for her behavior, but just want to report that there is a glimmer of hope here.  And my other glimmer of hope is the PPs who said they've lived through it and it gets better.

What I'm looking for, as I mentioned before, is not consequences (I'd take away her x/make her do laundry) as we've got the consequences down.  What I would really like help in is how, in the moment, do I think clearly enough to "drop the rope" but not cave in?[/quote]

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