My DD told me that I am the maid

[Anonymous]

I really do not understand how I've raised such a b***h Princess 13 y.o. DD. I have always had boundaries, rules, consequences, etc. etc. She is so horrible right now, I am not kidding if I could get out of here and leave her with DH I would, but for my younger, sweet DD. This older DD has always, always vied for Alpha status and been self-centered and not the best at empathy, and now that she's a teen, it's risen to a whole other level.

This is the latest. She got up from dinner to start studying. I reminded her to bus her plate.
"No, mom, you do it, I have to study!"
I said, "look, honey, you still need to bus your plate.
[i]"MOM, you are WASTING my time, just DO IT for me!"
I said, "You need to do it; I am not the maid!" and she said,

"Well, actually, mom, you ARE. I could see if you had a job, but you don't. So you basically ARE our maid."

I told her, "My job is not to be the maid. My job is to raise kids who are not PIGS!"

So, yes, there have been consequences for this behavior and a discussion about this, culminating in me saying, "I would rather you fail out of school than be of poor moral character. The world doesn't need another smart, straight-A asshole!"

However; a couple days later, I forgot that DD had two basketball games in the same week, so did not have her uniform washed for the second game. She was furious and said, "oh great, now I have to wear a dirty uniform because SOMEONE was LOUNGING around instead of washing my clothes!"

YES, DCUM, she received big consequences for this mouthing off. Also I had much consternation because this was one of my concerns when becoming a SAHM; that my kids would not respect what I do (and the sacrifice I made with my career to do it--and to get that damn career, I needed a lot of education--it was a career I aspired to and worked for for many years). Btw we couldn't do it any other way because my career involved travel and was a thing I couldn't do part time, and DH's hours are super-long. Basically I either became a SAHM or we would have to have a nanny raise them.

You would laugh because the next day, I applied to volunteer at a local museum (I'd been contemplating it anyways) and that night I told her, "I applied for a job. I don't think it's good for me to be seen as just the maid." Anyways as an aside, I'm really looking forward to my "job" and I'm not going to mention that it's "just volunteer"!

My post is not asking how to handle this. My post is really a lament, and a plea to know if this is some stage, and if anyone has gone through this and came out of it intact. Basically, it's a pity-party by me, and any words of encouragement would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

The consequence for the first mouthing off is that she will have to cook her own meals for a day, you should not cook for her the next day after such a comment.

The consequence for the second mouthing off is that you will not wash any of her clothes for a week. She can wear dirty clothes or wash them herself.

She's got that huge chip of entitlement on her shoulder because your consequences don't matter to her. But having to cook or clean for herself might instill some humility in her if she wants to have those things done for her.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry you are going through this. I have a 13 year old DD who gives me attitude also but not quite what you described. I think she realizes she still needs me in her life as her support system. Do you think your DD's friends inspire her to be disrespectful by the way they speak to and treat their moms? Sometimes DD tries to be sassy with me in front of her friends and I have to remind her who is in charge. I do work but it's a flexible job so it allows me time with DD and her twin brother. Maybe your DD is not involved in enough activities. I find sports to be a helpful life balance for my DD. It gives her a sense of accomplishment and a group of friends without the mean girl element. I don't have any specific guidance except hang in there and be consistent and firm. Also, stay tuned into who her friends and try to keep the lines of communication open.

[Anonymous]

^^ Sorry. Missed the part about your DD playing basketball.

[Anonymous]

I know you aren't asking for advice, but it sounds to me like you are engaging her WAY too much. There is so much back and forth in your description, and hateful comments being thrown from both sides.

For the plate bussing, all you needed to do is calmly repeat yourself, then impose a consequence for disrespect. (Maybe canceling a social activity since she is indicating she doesn't have time to fulfill family and academic obligations)

For the laundry issue, i would have stuck to a 'wow, you don't talk to me like that. You are now in charge of your own laundry, and we can discuss this again in a month.' End of story, no more engaging,

[Anonymous]

Drop the rope, OP.

Do not engage. Stare at her and walk away.

[Anonymous]

God. This story made we want to WOH stat. Hard enough convincing the husbands of the world that staying home is working, and constantly having to justify your time and downtime. Add a kid in the mix and...wow. I like the other responses though. Quit doing stuff for her.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there OP. You are doing the right thing to pursue an outside "job." Your DD is telling you in no uncertain terms that it's time to do that. I have heard from at least two other mom's that they were motivated to re-enter the workforce by their teen DDs. In addition to the issues you're having, you may also want to model a working mom option for your DD.

She needs to be more responsible and you being busier will help that along. My 12 yr/old will sometimes make similar ridiculous requests. (make my lunch for me before I go to a friends house because I watched TV a little too long and now am rushed.). You just need to give an unemotional "sorry no." Throwing in a little empathy for you DD can go a long way to tap down the drama. "I can see you feel rushed, sorry the time snuck up on you but I'm busy doing something else right now.

I would not engage in the "I'm not the maid" kind of arguments. Just start doing less. Dirty uniform, "bummer, feel free to run a load of laundry when you get home from your game." If she start's name calling, just walk after giving her a bit of empathy. I know your busy, but you can handle it. . . .

This is tough, because after SAH for a long time, you probably have/do view this as your job to keep kids prepared for their tasks. You just need to back it off.

[Anonymous]

At 13, she is old enough to do her own laundry. Regardless of anything else you do, it's time for her to start doing that.

[Anonymous]

OP if you were working, your daughter would mouth off about how you are working and never home when she needs/wants something.

Teenagers are just crappy at times!

And they WILL find something to push your buttons and hurt you.

[Anonymous]

I agree with those who say you do too much engaging and that comments on both sides are pretty hateful. But, with the laundry thing, if your deal is that you do the laundry and you didn't have it done, I can see why she would be upset at you. You may have been able to diffuse that situation had you apologized when you realized you forgot. Not saying that her reaction is ok, but her frustration at you was justified.

I hope you enjoy your new work. I think that was a great idea on your part.

[Anonymous]

I completely agree with the PP who said you are engaging way too much. Stop explaining yourself and your role to her, use fewer words and simply impose the consequences of cooking and cleaning for herself.

She's not doing anything insanely unusual for that age it it's still not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

I have to say, I think she has a point. As a SAHM, it is your job to be on top of ensuring sports clothes are clean, meal prep and tidying etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God. This story made we want to WOH stat. Hard enough convincing the husbands of the world that staying home is working, and constantly having to justify your time and downtime. Add a kid in the mix and...wow. I like the other responses though. Quit doing stuff for her.

It goes both ways. My DS referred to me as The Human ATM (joking, thankfully).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I think she has a point. As a SAHM, it is your job to be on top of ensuring sports clothes are clean, meal prep and tidying etc.

Oh bullshit - she doesn't have a point. She's a petulant bratty kid. At 13 she should know when her games are, what she needs, and express that to her mom.