My DD told me that I am the maid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, I did not call her a pig. I said my job was to make sure I did not raise a pig.

I also was referring to behavior when I made the ass*ole remark. But anyways, DH privately got all over me for that.

Not my best moments, I agree.

Bottom line, re PPs focusing on that, I already *know* that engaging with her or getting all worked up is not good modeling. I keep asking for how to handle being strategic in the moment.

Do you think an emotional 13yo can really hear the difference between you're acting like an asshole and you are an asshole?

Would you be upset if DH told you to quit being bitchy, or is that ok because he didn't call you a bitch, he called your behavior bitchy?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she doesn't have enough chores. What is your Dh saying to her about how she treats you?

[Anonymous]

I think you are engaging in a push/pull. You are telling her what to do and she is being defiant simply because she can. Don't get in to a situation where you have to take random things away. Make her responsible for the consequences. Simply say that she needs to be ready at 10am when you leave to drive and you will drop her at basketball and go to the dry cleaners. At 10am announce you are leaving. If she is ready, she goes and if not - leave without her. If you don't feel comfortable with that (maybe no one else is home and leaving her alone when angry is not a good thing for her) try telling her you can only drive up until 10am - after that you need to put something in the oven, finish the clothes dryer, take a shower . . . something that prevents you from leaving the house until it's done. Then do it and make her wait. Your time is as precious as hers. Or just let her sit and watch the tv as long as she wants. She would be the one arriving late. She would have to answer to the coach. She may miss a game or two but she'll smarten up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its the start of the teen years. They do come to an end.

I told my mother she was a fat, old waste of space.

And now we're very close.

Yeah but it ends sometimes in the kids' early 20's which is why wine was invented

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I think she has a point. As a SAHM, it is your job to be on top of ensuring sports clothes are clean, meal prep and tidying etc.

WTF? Unreal....if anyone ever wonderseen why so many kids are brats. ..this is it.
And no, the kid does not have a point. Either do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you were working, your daughter would mouth off about how you are working and never home when she needs/wants something.

Teenagers are just crappy at times!

And they WILL find something to push your buttons and hurt you.

+1
I'm a WOHM and this is exactly what my daughter says to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reason 4738348 not to be a SAHM.

Ridiculous comment, but nice attempt at getting the mommy wars started again.

This situation has nothing to do with SAH and everything to do with a bitchy kid. I'm a SAHM and would never tolerate this kind of disrespectful behavior from my kids. There are plenty of kids with entitlement issues, regardless of their parents' work status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I think she has a point. As a SAHM, it is your job to be on top of ensuring sports clothes are clean, meal prep and tidying etc.

OP here. Thank you all for your replies, and want to reassure you that there were significant consequences to this outrageous behavior. FYI for those who asked, DH is supportive. And I agree with PPs that I am engaging too much. I love the "drop the rope" comment because it's a really easy phrase to remember when in the thick of it. I think I'll make a post-it of this and remind myself every morning.

I want to comment on this PP. I agree with you that for our household, the way we have work divided, it was my job to get the laundry done. We haven't had two games in one week before, and I did not think it through, and if she had just said, "oh, no, it's not washed!" I would have apologized because I did screw up there.

But we are all working hard and we all make mistakes, and there is no excuse for berating someone and yelling "someone was LOUNGING" when they make a mistake. This is not the behavior we have modeled and I don't know where she gets it. And the thing that bugs me about the "lounging comment" is it is indicative of her not understanding that I work most of the day; there is so much more in my job besides housework, given that DH works long hours.

As for PP's comment above, "I think she has a point" about me being the maid, I agree with you also, and that's what causes me the consternation. Why wouldn't she think I was the maid? She didn't see my life, my career, before kids. She doesn't see the stuff I do besides housework.

So the two specific issues are 1) seeing me as the maid, and 2) thinking that I spend an hour or so picking up the house and then go eat bonbons for the rest of the day.

But again, my overarching issue is that unlike a maid, I am charged with raising a decent human being with good moral character and my lament is that I may be failing in that regard.

OP, this is an excellent post. You sound like a fabulous mom, who is just going through the terrible teens with your daughter. Mine is 11, and unfortunately, I can see hints of this behavior on the horizon. I'll be thinking about you (and all of us with teens) as I stumble through this stage too.

[Anonymous]

Your daughters behavior is completely normal. Girls who talk back to their parents are more successful adults. My three mouthy teenagers grew up to be strong, serious successful professionals, great moms and happy wifes. My advice: laugh it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really do not understand how I've raised such a b***h Princess 13 y.o. DD. I have always had boundaries, rules, consequences, etc. etc. She is so horrible right now, I am not kidding if I could get out of here and leave her with DH I would, but for my younger, sweet DD. This older DD has always, always vied for Alpha status and been self-centered and not the best at empathy, and now that she's a teen, it's risen to a whole other level.

This is the latest. She got up from dinner to start studying. I reminded her to bus her plate.
"No, mom, you do it, I have to study!"
I said, "look, honey, you still need to bus your plate.
[i]"MOM, you are WASTING my time, just DO IT for me!"
I said, "You need to do it; I am not the maid!" and she said,

"Well, actually, mom, you ARE. I could see if you had a job, but you don't. So you basically ARE our maid."

I told her, "My job is not to be the maid. My job is to raise kids who are not PIGS!"

So, yes, there have been consequences for this behavior and a discussion about this, culminating in me saying, "I would rather you fail out of school than be of poor moral character. The world doesn't need another smart, straight-A asshole!"

However; a couple days later, I forgot that DD had two basketball games in the same week, so did not have her uniform washed for the second game. She was furious and said, "oh great, now I have to wear a dirty uniform because SOMEONE was LOUNGING around instead of washing my clothes!"

YES, DCUM, she received big consequences for this mouthing off. Also I had much consternation because this was one of my concerns when becoming a SAHM; that my kids would not respect what I do (and the sacrifice I made with my career to do it--and to get that damn career, I needed a lot of education--it was a career I aspired to and worked for for many years). Btw we couldn't do it any other way because my career involved travel and was a thing I couldn't do part time, and DH's hours are super-long. Basically I either became a SAHM or we would have to have a nanny raise them.

You would laugh because the next day, I applied to volunteer at a local museum (I'd been contemplating it anyways) and that night I told her, "I applied for a job. I don't think it's good for me to be seen as just the maid." Anyways as an aside, I'm really looking forward to my "job" and I'm not going to mention that it's "just volunteer"!

My post is not asking how to handle this. My post is really a lament, and a plea to know if this is some stage, and if anyone has gone through this and came out of it intact. Basically, it's a pity-party by me, and any words of encouragement would be helpful.

This is EXACTLY why people need to understand that taking care of a home and family IS a JOB. Period.

The little pill needs to tend to all her own needs, including food prep, if it's nothing to her. There's only one way for her to learn at this point, OP.

Where is your husband on this child's horrible behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughters behavior is completely normal. Girls who talk back to their parents are more successful adults. My three mouthy teenagers grew up to be strong, serious successful professionals, great moms and happy wifes. My advice: laugh it off.

It's not polite to be smoking such potent sh*t without sharing your stash with the rest of the class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughters behavior is completely normal. Girls who talk back to their parents are more successful adults. My three mouthy teenagers grew up to be strong, serious successful professionals, great moms and happy wifes. My advice: laugh it off.

It's not polite to be smoking such potent sh*t without sharing your stash with the rest of the class.

Yeah, I wouldn't be laughing about a pris-ass kid.

[Anonymous]

Your daughters behavior is completely normal. Girls who talk back to their parents are more successful adults. My three mouthy teenagers grew up to be strong, serious successful professionals, great moms and happy wifes. My advice: laugh it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughters behavior is completely normal. Girls who talk back to their parents are more successful adults. My three mouthy teenagers grew up to be strong, serious successful professionals, great moms and happy wifes. My advice: laugh it off.

Go home, PP! You and your repeated post are DRUNK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really do not understand how I've raised such a b***h Princess 13 y.o. DD. I have always had boundaries, rules, consequences, etc. etc. She is so horrible right now, I am not kidding if I could get out of here and leave her with DH I would, but for my younger, sweet DD. This older DD has always, always vied for Alpha status and been self-centered and not the best at empathy, and now that she's a teen, it's risen to a whole other level.

This is the latest. She got up from dinner to start studying. I reminded her to bus her plate.
"No, mom, you do it, I have to study!"
I said, "look, honey, you still need to bus your plate.
[i]"MOM, you are WASTING my time, just DO IT for me!"
I said, "You need to do it; I am not the maid!" and she said,

"Well, actually, mom, you ARE. I could see if you had a job, but you don't. So you basically ARE our maid."

I told her, "My job is not to be the maid. My job is to raise kids who are not PIGS!"

So, yes, there have been consequences for this behavior and a discussion about this, culminating in me saying, "I would rather you fail out of school than be of poor moral character. The world doesn't need another smart, straight-A asshole!"

However; a couple days later, I forgot that DD had two basketball games in the same week, so did not have her uniform washed for the second game. She was furious and said, "oh great, now I have to wear a dirty uniform because SOMEONE was LOUNGING around instead of washing my clothes!"

YES, DCUM, she received big consequences for this mouthing off. Also I had much consternation because this was one of my concerns when becoming a SAHM; that my kids would not respect what I do (and the sacrifice I made with my career to do it--and to get that damn career, I needed a lot of education--it was a career I aspired to and worked for for many years). Btw we couldn't do it any other way because my career involved travel and was a thing I couldn't do part time, and DH's hours are super-long. Basically I either became a SAHM or we would have to have a nanny raise them.

You would laugh because the next day, I applied to volunteer at a local museum (I'd been contemplating it anyways) and that night I told her, "I applied for a job. I don't think it's good for me to be seen as just the maid." Anyways as an aside, I'm really looking forward to my "job" and I'm not going to mention that it's "just volunteer"!

My post is not asking how to handle this. My post is really a lament, and a plea to know if this is some stage, and if anyone has gone through this and came out of it intact. Basically, it's a pity-party by me, and any words of encouragement would be helpful.

Are you kidding?? NO WAY would I put up with that type of disrespect. Take her phone...tell her to get a job and pay for it her self. Really you are allowing this. You are the parent, she is the child.