My DD told me that I am the maid

[Anonymous]

How about a nice civil discussion when you both are calm. Let her know all of this - about how hard you worked for a career and that you put it aside for family life. That you. are a SAHM because you and your DH wanted a parent home with the kids and you both decided that would be you. Remind her of all the things you do. Remind her of the things that are possible because you stay home (driving to said basketball game for example!) Tell her how much her disrespectful attitude hurts you and reflects poorly on her. Let her say her part too if she wants. AT her age, yes she does think you are lounging because she doesn't understand much of what goes in to running a house and a family. Hep her learn to see beyond herself.

The next blowup (and sadly there will be more - it sounds like she's worked that way) should be less stressful once there is more info out there for her to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it a cultural thing?

My kid would have been slapped hard for talking to me like that.

Yes, kids procrastinate and mine do too. My kids tell me that they will do something and take their own sweet time doing it. BUT , but they would talk disrespectfully to me only if they had a deathwish.

Yes. This IS a cultural thing. I am from a culture where children are never disrespectful in the way the OP's daughter is. I think it's two things: 1. We set the expectations very early on how you talk to your parents and elders in general and 2. We model that way of speaking ourselves.

My kids would be far too scared to ever speak to me like that. Not that I would hit them, I never have ever. But because they know that speaking or behaving disrespectfully is about the worst thing they can do and that there will be serious consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe you got a "job" because your teen insulted you. Really. Think about that for a minute.

This. Just he fact that you told her about it is too much, like you have to explain yourself or prove yourself to her. You are the adult and you are in charge and you don't need to prove it, it just is. You don't need to vy for position or explain yourself to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know a lot of parents of older teens but I'm starting to wonder if 13 is actually the most hellish year for dealing with behavior, at least with respect to girls.

I have ushered three kids through and past the age of 13, and, you are right, 13 is pretty much the worst. It does get better, even more so after 15.

I wish lots of strength and courage and patience to those of you still in the trenches of dealing with 13 year olds. You'll get through it!

OP here. Wow it just is never-ending. DH and younger DD are gone this morning, and the Princess gets up and goes to watch TV. I say after she gets ready for basketball, and she says, "NO, I'm watching TV." I took the remote, and calmly said, "you can watch after you are dressed".

I swear, here is where some parents who would say, "just take the remote/make her shovel snow" don't get it. She got up and started fighting me for the remote. She's bigger now than I am. I walked out of the room with it, and she found another remote. I said, calmly, "you are not watching TV" and she said, "YES I AM!" And I said "I will tell your dean about this when explaining why I'm pulling you from your school," (she's at a very challenging and prestigious school this year, but was at a nearby school and could go back there--I have voiced concerns that this school might be great academically but not as good as the nearby school in instilling the moral compass).

Anyways I remained calm and did manage to hide all remotes, and she ended up calling DH and crying about how mean I was (and he backed me--couldn't hear it all but really good stuff.)

I know I must "drop the rope" if only for the fact that she will soon be stronger than me. But tell me, if I say no TV and she says "I AM WATCHING TV", if I then "drop the rope" and let her watch TV, how does that do anything but show her I'm a paper tiger?

I guess I should say "you watch now, and you will not watch again for a week"? I guess that's the answer rather than fighting with her over the remote. Yikes it's hard to think when you are in the moment--it took me writing this post to think of that seemingly obvious alternative. My arm is shaking as I type. It is really hard to be strategic in the moment.

So I guess my question to DCUM is, how to be able to think strategically in the moment?

Do we have the same kid? My husband would be comforted that there is another one out there (I know there are many).

If she refused to hand over the remote I'd turn the power off at the circuit breaker. Say it once and don't engage her.
I would then calmly hide all of them for a good week and write on the big fridge calendar 'no tv ' with her name for the rest of the week.
Or a month.
I'm pretty good at yanking the wifi power too or turning off the wifi to specific devices from the router.

My DD also goes to a good school and does very well there - apparently it causes stress which is part of it.
I busted my ass in school and grad school back in the day -(her dad too) but in her teenaged mind since we're (husband and I) not doing that NOW she resents it (because she's stressed). Never mind our backstory and struggles, in her mind it's just all about her.

I ignore some of the sass but calmly reinforce that she is doing x chores. She does them but sometimes it's ridiculous - like pulling teeth
and often not the greatest job.

She's pretty awful at home but fine at school and does volunteer service as well. It's 'save your drama for your mama'

[Anonymous]

So I guess my question to DCUM is, how to be able to think strategically in the moment?

Never put your hands on her or get in another struggle, it sounds like you guys are just escalating. It also sounds like you have a temper and are calling it strong willed. The more your altercations get physical the more they will escalate.

Don't react so fast the next time. Walk away and think about what you are going to do, come up with some standard punishments, instead of getting physical.

[Anonymous]

Reading your account gave me flashbacks. My mom loves to talk about how defiant I was and whatnot...but she was (and still is) the most stubborn person.

In the case of the tv...why don't you stop making things into a power struggle. "Larla, it's 10:30, we need to leave in 15 minutes." If she chooses to sit on the couch instead of getting ready then she'll be late. But that's on her.

The plate you mentioned in OP...just repeat your request and walk away. Give her a consequence that hurts but isn't overly punitive. These are just silly battles...your daughter acting like an asshole is not a reflection on you or a sign she is going to be an awful person. It just means she's a strong-willed teenager. She's pushing your buttons because you are convienant.

I can't believe you are threatening removing her from school...if she likes it and is doing well then let her stay. Trust she will not forgive you if you pull something like this.

My mom and I have an OK relationship now, I love her and respect her. But I also still get angry about things she refused to bend on regarding my education.

[Anonymous]

I am surprised at some of the comments here. In my understanding it doesn't matters if OP is a SAHM or WOHM, the kid doesn't have the right to talk to her mother in such a disrespectful manner. If OP and her DH decided that she would stay home, that's a decision between adults, kid has absolutely no right to comment on that. OP can sit on sofa all day and twiddle her thumbs for all I care, the kid has no right to speak like this. What her Mother is doing with her time is actually none of her business. OP, you stay home for the family, but you are only answerable to yourself and your DH, not your kids. Where in the world she got the idea that it's okay to talk to her mom like this??? My blood is boiling just thinking about this.

Signed - FT WOHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So I guess my question to DCUM is, how to be able to think strategically in the moment?

OMG you do not get into a physical struggle with her!

You say, "you can choose to continue to watch TV, but if you do, you will have no phone tomorrow." then go about your business.

OP, I think that you need to remember that you have the final say.

So if she wants to watch TV, and you say not until after she's ready for basketball, and then she watches TV anyway -- who's going to get her to basketball? Does she get herself to basketball? If so, well, then she can get herself to basketball. Or does she need you to get her to basketball? If so, it's time for her to learn that "Mom, I am going to be rude to you and ignore everything you say, now drive me to basketball" is not going to work.

I don't think that you need to turn everything into a power struggle. But I do think that it would be good to remind her -- and yourself too -- that you are an independent human being, not your daughter's personal giving tree. (I really, really hate that book.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised at some of the comments here. In my understanding it doesn't matters if OP is a SAHM or WOHM, the kid doesn't have the right to talk to her mother in such a disrespectful manner. If OP and her DH decided that she would stay home, that's a decision between adults, kid has absolutely no right to comment on that. OP can sit on sofa all day and twiddle her thumbs for all I care, the kid has no right to speak like this. What her Mother is doing with her time is actually none of her business. OP, you stay home for the family, but you are only answerable to yourself and your DH, not your kids. Where in the world she got the idea that it's okay to talk to her mom like this??? My blood is boiling just thinking about this.

Signed - FT WOHM

+1 from a part-time WOHM with a newly mouthy 15 year-old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I think she has a point. As a SAHM, it is your job to be on top of ensuring sports clothes are clean, meal prep and tidying etc.

Oh bullshit - she doesn't have a point. She's a petulant bratty kid. At 13 she should know when her games are, what she needs, and express that to her mom.

Says the lazy SAHM...

I'm not a stay at home mom and I think at 13 she needs to start taking some responsibility for herself. A part of being a parent, SAH or WOH, is to teach your children to become self sufficient human beings. By the time she goes to college, she needs to be able to run her everyday life/chores herself. Np.

[Anonymous]

Its the start of the teen years. They do come to an end.

I told my mother she was a fat, old waste of space.

And now we're very close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its the start of the teen years. They do come to an end.

I told my mother she was a fat, old waste of space.

And now we're very close.

What a horrible thing to say to your mother!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So I guess my question to DCUM is, how to be able to think strategically in the moment?

OMG you do not get into a physical struggle with her!

You say, "you can choose to continue to watch TV, but if you do, you will have no phone tomorrow." then go about your business.

OP, I think that you need to remember that you have the final say.

So if she wants to watch TV, and you say not until after she's ready for basketball, and then she watches TV anyway -- who's going to get her to basketball? Does she get herself to basketball? If so, well, then she can get herself to basketball. Or does she need you to get her to basketball? If so, it's time for her to learn that "Mom, I am going to be rude to you and ignore everything you say, now drive me to basketball" is not going to work.

I don't think that you need to turn everything into a power struggle. But I do think that it would be good to remind her -- and yourself too -- that you are an independent human being, not your daughter's personal giving tree. (I really, really hate that book.)

+1

When she finally gets up from watching tv, gets dressed, and says she's ready for you to drive her to basketball, you calmly tell her that she chose to be defiant and watch tv and if she thinks you're driving her to basketball after that, she has another thing coming. She is not your peer. You are the parent. And stop threatening to pull her from school. That is ridiculously over the top.

[Anonymous]

You are still engaging. Do not get into wrestling matches with your daughter.

Tell her what will happen if she doesn't give you the remote; if she doesn't immediately give it to you she has to face the consequences (no tv for a week, no cell phone etc). If you say no tv for a week as punishment and she tries to watch tv anyway, take away another privilege.

Threatening to pull your daughter from school for that behaviour is not the answer.

You also need to give her more responsibility, why does it matter when she gets ready for basketball? Tell her when you are leaving, and if she is not ready by then she is the one who will be late and has to deal with the consequences, or you say you will not drive her if she is not ready by the time you set.

[Anonymous]

OP -- I do wonder if the behavior she is exhibiting towards you is perhaps from the charming group of kids she goes to school with in the private school or not? If you get the response that none of her friends have to do this or that, then you and DH also need to remind dear princess that it is a privilege and not a right to attend the school and that you do not care to hear about how her other peers live as you are raising your girls on your values. Also, does she respond to requests from DH with such sass........if not, then maybe observe his manner towards her. All in all remember you do have a sweet nine year old observing all of this so you do need to get it right. The entitlement is what comes through in her comments to you and this may be the crux of the problem.

Summer time would be a great time to present activity options of walking, biking or the bus route........that might wake her up big time!! Although hopefully for you all you can ship her off to camp for most of the time.