Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you get a divorce, your kids will be damaged FOREVER. Don't kid yourself about this. Since DH is not abusing you or the kids, the right thing to do is put the kids needs first, and stay married until they leave for college.

I don't know about this. DH's parents divorced when he was very young and he's fine with it. Friends' parents divorced when they were college-aged, and it seems to have been pretty devastating, especially since they were at the ages of starting to think about forming romantic partnerships themselves.

This. The way I've seen it play out younger kids just see it as something that happened, college-aged kids wonder if their whole life was a lie and get very cynical about the whole family life thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the quick replies.

yes, we had sexual/emotional intimacy the first two years of dating and first year of marriage. then things got wonky. H stopped initiating sex. we went to a sex therapist. that helped for about a year. wasn't awesome, but was good enough, and we were still emotionally close. then stuff happened in life...health challenges, miscarriages, kids. he retreated about 7 years ago and won't resurface.

to the PP who said she is more at peace with her situation...how did you get that way? i was tolerating it but i am finally just devastated by the whole situation. it isn't just no/low sex and cuddling...he does not share himself emotionally either. i give of myself over and over and often times i am met with crickets.

thanks to the PP who gave her input about the realities of divorce. how long did you hang in there? it has been 7 years for me.

I would have loved to have a wife like you willing to initiate. My wife just didn't care.

But if he is walling himself off from everything, setup and take him to a psychiatrist. He can't do it for himself. do it for him as you last step before you leave. If he is happy with friends, give up on it. it the relationship.

and to the people that say to stay in it for the children. I did and I think it was a mistake. All the tension and sadness is absorbed, you will hear your children expressing the same anger and frustration and sadness that you feel. They may become depressed, unable to control the situation. And they can only be children for such a short time. My marriage did not go south until the recession and layoffs and financial crap hit. Children were in middle school. so at least the elementary school years were happy.

but I f'cked it up, I should have left for them.

OP here. the bolded above is probably what i need to do as a last resort, like you said. i had untreated post partum depression after my second child and my H did nothing to help me through that. i needed him to make a call and get me to the doctor (i had even asked him to watch out for me before our second was born) and he did nothing. then, when i told him at the end of last year that i was desperately unhappy, he accused me of being depressed for years. well, yeah, i was. but he never acknowledged it until he felt threatened. i guess i am SO SICK of having to take the initiative in our relationship that i am reluctant to make that appointment for him. it makes me feel like his mother for the umpteenth time. but, hearing it from an outsider makes sense. i have to get over my own resentment and continue to think about what i would want him to do for me, and do it for him.

lots of good replies here. i appreciate all of the feedback, some of which are from people who have BTDT and some likely from people who haven't but have their own thoughts on it. which is fine.

[Anonymous]

OP, some more things to think about:

How will your kids fare on their own with an emotionally closed-off parent.

He may remarry. He can remarry whomever he wants even if you don't agree and think she is a bad influence on your children.

If you remarry, you will likely need to be a stepmother, possibly with a lot of custody of the step-kids, and have a positive parenting relationship with your new H's ex. How do you feel about that, and about putting your kids through that? It can be pretty tough, and a ton of work, I think, even under the best of circumstances.

Let's think about when you are old:

Less grandparent time.

Less time with your own children, which will really matter as you start to rely on them more and more in your 80s.

The hard part for your children doesn't stop when they grow up. It's hard when they have families of their own. And it will be especially hard for them to juggle two aging parents in two separate locations. My dad has a lot of medical issues, and his new wife is even sicker, so I am his Next of Kin and primary care manager. My mom's reasons for divorce were totally valid, but in my darker moments I really resent that she left me to deal with him on my own.



Make the phone call, OP. You will feel better if you can look your children in the eye and say you truly tried everything.

[Anonymous]

Make the phone call, OP. Do it for your kids. I know it sucks and is annoying, but it's a Hail Mary pass. If it's what gets you out of this situation, isn't it worth one phone call?

PS: Can you afford retirement on your own?

[Anonymous]

You may be able to afford a small apartment and your expenses, but can you afford babysitters? I know this sounds silly, but if you expect to leave and have a new relationship -- you will be spending a crap ton of money on sitters so that you can go out. That is an expense that newly divorced folks often forget to calculate.

Good luck with whatever your choose. Divorce sucks, but there can be happiness afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the quick replies.

yes, we had sexual/emotional intimacy the first two years of dating and first year of marriage. then things got wonky. H stopped initiating sex. we went to a sex therapist. that helped for about a year. wasn't awesome, but was good enough, and we were still emotionally close. then stuff happened in life...health challenges, miscarriages, kids. he retreated about 7 years ago and won't resurface.

to the PP who said she is more at peace with her situation...how did you get that way? i was tolerating it but i am finally just devastated by the whole situation. it isn't just no/low sex and cuddling...he does not share himself emotionally either. i give of myself over and over and often times i am met with crickets.

thanks to the PP who gave her input about the realities of divorce. how long did you hang in there? it has been 7 years for me.

I would have loved to have a wife like you willing to initiate. My wife just didn't care.

But if he is walling himself off from everything, setup and take him to a psychiatrist. He can't do it for himself. do it for him as you last step before you leave. If he is happy with friends, give up on it. it the relationship.

and to the people that say to stay in it for the children. I did and I think it was a mistake. All the tension and sadness is absorbed, you will hear your children expressing the same anger and frustration and sadness that you feel. They may become depressed, unable to control the situation. And they can only be children for such a short time. My marriage did not go south until the recession and layoffs and financial crap hit. Children were in middle school. so at least the elementary school years were happy.

but I f'cked it up, I should have left for them.

OP here. the bolded above is probably what i need to do as a last resort, like you said. i had untreated post partum depression after my second child and my H did nothing to help me through that. i needed him to make a call and get me to the doctor (i had even asked him to watch out for me before our second was born) and he did nothing. then, when i told him at the end of last year that i was desperately unhappy, he accused me of being depressed for years. well, yeah, i was. but he never acknowledged it until he felt threatened. i guess i am SO SICK of having to take the initiative in our relationship that i am reluctant to make that appointment for him. it makes me feel like his mother for the umpteenth time. but, hearing it from an outsider makes sense. i have to get over my own resentment and continue to think about what i would want him to do for me, and do it for him.

lots of good replies here. i appreciate all of the feedback, some of which are from people who have BTDT and some likely from people who haven't but have their own thoughts on it. which is fine.

Are you still suffering from depression? If so, get yourself treated. You won't be doing your kids any favors by becoming a single parent (50% of the time) if your mental health is suffering. Your spouse is not responsible for your happiness. That needs to come from within.

[Anonymous]

How is your health, OP? What would happen to you and your kids if you were unable to earn an adequate living? Or if one of the kids developed a serious medical condition?

The single parent lifestyle carries a lot of financial risks. Don't throw away your safety net without understanding what you're doing.

Anyone seriously considering divorce should see a financial planner.

[Anonymous]

Did you become less attractive to him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is your health, OP? What would happen to you and your kids if you were unable to earn an adequate living? Or if one of the kids developed a serious medical condition?

The single parent lifestyle carries a lot of financial risks. Don't throw away your safety net without understanding what you're doing.

Anyone seriously considering divorce should see a financial planner.

Very true.

[Anonymous]

If you divorce you have to do it b/c you would rather be alone and a single mother than staying in the marriage. You shouldn't do it thinking you would like a different husband-- you may not/ probably will not ever find this mythical creature.
I have many friends who have recently (in the last 5 years) gone through divorce. The only one who is truly happier is one who didn't have any children- and even her happiness is not great. In all cases their standard of living has dropped dramatically. You may think you can afford an apt- but if you have a house now that will be a dramatic adjustment for you and your kids. In many cases the ex starts dating again- to a woman you may like, but probably won't- he ends up taking on some version of a parenting role with your kids.
I saw a statistic that the most dangerous person in a child's life is mom's live in boyfriend- something to always keep in mind.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you've been through a lot OP, as has your dh. IVF (and the years of unsuccessfully trying before that) take a huge toll. I'm sure it impacted the quality of your sex life and intimacy, and then if you yourself had years if untreated depression, and you are more on top of things, what do you expect from him? To me, it sounds like your environment is t conducive to reconnecting. And he isn't the only man in the world who won't initiate therapy himself (of any of my friends in couples counseling I know zero husbands that were doing any of the footwork and some weren't even willing to try it).

You guys need to reconnect. You are making it more complicated than it is. The person you fell in love with is still there, and it's now the father of your children. You need to somehow carve out time away. Can you guys try a weekend long intensive couples retreat away somewhere?

I have two young kids with difficult temperaments and went through infertility too. It was very hard on our marriage and we are still in the thick of it. The fights we have had could have landed us on jerry springer. But it's slowly improving. I'm the one who can check out physically and emotionally, because I'm so elsewhere with how hectic life is.

I really think you can make this better, and it's worth it.

[Anonymous]

I'm 43 and divorced with one young child. My ex had an affair and left, so it wasn't my choice. I felt that we should both commit to going all out to try and save the relationship for 6 months, but ex didn't want to. I'm a professional but I work for a non-profit and make a low salary. So, none of that sounds good, but one year out I'm happier than I was when I was married. I love my crappy little apartment. I have more friends, go out more, exercise more. I'm more connected with my child because I'm happier. And, apparently there are more than enough people who will happily date an average looking 43 year old woman.

[Anonymous]

Hello, OP, I'm weighing in here although my facts slightly different - but perhaps to offer a happy ending if you do decide to divorce - I divorced my last DH when kids were both preschool age, and am now happily remarried two years alter to a wonderful new man I met who has stepped in as a doting stepfather. But the road is not easy. Not one bit.

As a single divorced mom, you will be tested - there will not be anyone to take your kids off your hands, even for 15 minutes, on the weekends alone with them - can you handle it? You will need to have childcare available to go on dates with other men and establish your dating life.... you will need to look your "best" on a budget that may be much less than what you had before your divorce....and above all, you will need to be grounded/happy and "there"f or your children at all times, likely seeing a therapist (expensive!) each week to make sure you are good, even if you think you are good (if you are feeling "good" after a divorce it is probably denial, a deceptive high.....that will blow up in your face at any point......)

Be prepared to accept help from friends - for me it was hand-me-down pots and pans and hand-me-down clothes so I could have the budget to invest in myself (read: botox to look fresher); food budget was not an issue as I spent my food budget on my kids the first year and starved myself to weigh what I did when I was 22- ----- you will have to present your best version of yourself.

And, dont be fooled - the men who offer to hook up with you now while you are married are not going to be interested in hooking up with you when you are single -becuase they are looking for someone married/unavailable to bang who doesnt want a commitment....

And --I think the worst thing to imagine is -- what if after your divorce your ex-husband suddenly rekindles romance with someone new, leaving you bitter of the past 7 years he's ignored/withdrawn from you????

See a therapist before making any decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you get a divorce, your kids will be damaged FOREVER. Don't kid yourself about this. Since DH is not abusing you or the kids, the right thing to do is put the kids needs first, and stay married until they leave for college.

Drama much? I am not damaged at all and my parents didn't even divorce "well." The OP can only do so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you get a divorce, your kids will be damaged FOREVER. Don't kid yourself about this. Since DH is not abusing you or the kids, the right thing to do is put the kids needs first, and stay married until they leave for college.

1000% Not true. My parents are divorced as are parents of other family members. We are all professionally successful and have loving long term relationships.

Op, do what you feel but divorce does mean your kids are damaged. What's more damaging divorced parents, or two parents who hate each other? I know what I'd choose having experienced both as a child.