Reply to Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  thanks for the quick replies.

yes, we had sexual/emotional intimacy the first two years of dating and first year of marriage.  then things got wonky.  [b]H stopped initiating sex.  we went to a sex therapist. [/b] that helped for about a year.  wasn't awesome, but was good enough, and we were still emotionally close.  then stuff happened in life...health challenges, miscarriages, kids.  he retreated about 7 years ago and won't resurface.

to the PP who said she is more at peace with her situation...how did you get that way?  i was tolerating it but i am finally just devastated by the whole situation.  it isn't just no/low sex and cuddling...he does not share himself emotionally either.  i give of myself over and over and often times i am met with crickets.

thanks to the PP who gave her input about the realities of divorce.  how long did you hang in there?  it has been 7 years for me.[/quote]

I would have loved to have a wife like you willing to initiate.   My wife just didn't care.

[b]But if he is walling himself off from everything, setup and take him to a psychiatrist.   He can't do it for himself.     do it for him as you last step before you leave.   If he is happy with friends, give up on it.   it the relationship.[/b]

and to the people that say to stay in it for the children.   I did and I think it was a mistake.  All the tension and sadness is absorbed, you will hear your children expressing the same anger and frustration and sadness that you feel.   They may become depressed, unable to control the situation.   And they can only be children for such a short time.  My marriage did not go south until the recession and layoffs and financial crap hit.   Children were in middle school.  so at least the elementary school years were happy.

but I f'cked it up, I should have left for them.[/quote]

OP here.  the bolded above is probably what i need to do as a last resort, like you said.  i had untreated post partum depression after my second child and my H did nothing to help me through that.  i needed him to make a call and get me to the doctor (i had even asked him to watch out for me before our second was born) and he did nothing.  then, when i told him at the end of last year that i was desperately unhappy, he accused me of being depressed for years.  well,  yeah, i was.  but he never acknowledged it until he felt threatened.  i guess i am SO SICK of having to take the initiative in our relationship that i am reluctant to make that appointment for him.  it makes me feel like his mother for the umpteenth time.  but, hearing it from an outsider makes sense.  i have to get over my own resentment and continue to think about what i would want him to do for me, and do it for him.

lots of good replies here.  i appreciate all of the feedback, some of which are from people who have BTDT and some likely from people who haven't but have their own thoughts on it.  which is fine.[/quote]

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