Please tell me, 42yo mom of two young kids, the realities of divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you get a divorce, your kids will be damaged FOREVER. Don't kid yourself about this. Since DH is not abusing you or the kids, the right thing to do is put the kids needs first, and stay married until they leave for college.

1000% Not true. My parents are divorced as are parents of other family members. We are all professionally successful and have loving long term relationships.

Op, do what you feel but divorce does mean your kids are damaged. What's more damaging divorced parents, or two parents who hate each other? I know what I'd choose having experienced both as a child.

OP and her husband don't hate each other. You are projecting your own, very limited and narrow experience on her situation. You have no idea how her kids will react.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating will be harder than you think. Your equals will be checking out the 30yr olds. Single moms are not a hot commodity.

Seriously, this is exactly what my friends who divorced found out. None have found any new lasting relationships.

My three mid-40s divorced friends are all in new (lasting - going on a year plus for all of them) relationships with nice men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I beg you, don't have an affair. Your kids will likely find out, when they are older if not now, and it will really shake them up to learn that their parent is capable of long-term deceit. And it will poison their relationship with the affair partner in the future. If you really can't resist seeing other men, just get the divorce already. Better an honest and straightforward divorce, than the divorce plus an affair.

Maybe try a new therapist? You are right to heavily weigh the practicalities of divorce. Don't forget, you will be splitting up time with your grandchildren, not just your children.

+1 Don't compromise your integrity by having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Title says most of it. Contemplating asking for separation/divorce. My H seems content with little to no emotional or sexual intimacy. We have been in Marriage counseling for 7 months, I see an individual therapist. H does not want to see an individual therapist, saying he will figure things out on his own. I am realizing that I do not want to live my life wondering why my H doesn't want intimacy. I do not want to live my life fantasizing about lots of other men. I don't want to live my life contemplating an affair (I just turned down an offer from a married colleague in the same boat)

But what am I getting myself in to here? Two kids K and 2nd grade. I work and can support myself in a small 2 bdrm apt. I hate to do this to my children, but I am dying inside, and I can't make my marriage work all by myself.

Good luck, I have no advice. I settled for the marriage you have, but took the married colleague up on his offer. Hypocritical, but way less disruptive.

[Anonymous]

You know how people say start saving up if you're preparing for a divorce? What about an emotional savings account, where you start living as if you are responsible for your own happiness? How do you spend your emotional energy? Try putting it into your own pleasure instead of your H. Check out and follow your own needs for a while. I heard about a friend's friend who got her DH's attention simply by pulling herself together when she went out with their twins. He always wondered why she had her hair done and looked great when going on a playdate. This woman was NOT having an affair or even looking for one. She just invested in herself while DH took things for granted. I think her self-confidence and independence woke her DH up to the fact that she was still attractive and could, if she chose to, leave the marriage and be fine. She kept her circle of friends and had access to a social world that didn't depend on him.

Whether you do this to get your husband's attention or simply as an exercise in independent living, it may be worth consideration. Think of it as a dry run for divorced life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I beg you, don't have an affair. Your kids will likely find out, when they are older if not now, and it will really shake them up to learn that their parent is capable of long-term deceit. And it will poison their relationship with the affair partner in the future. If you really can't resist seeing other men, just get the divorce already. Better an honest and straightforward divorce, than the divorce plus an affair.

Maybe try a new therapist? You are right to heavily weigh the practicalities of divorce. Don't forget, you will be splitting up time with your grandchildren, not just your children.

+1 Don't compromise your integrity by having an affair.

+1. An affair will cost you (and your children) many friendships, as married couples distance themselves from you. If you end up with your AP as a new husband, that will make co-parenting and step-parenting much more difficult. Especially if he has children and was married as well. Don't throw away your integrity, it isn't worth it. The consequences are long-lasting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You know how people say start saving up if you're preparing for a divorce? What about an emotional savings account, where you start living as if you are responsible for your own happiness? How do you spend your emotional energy? Try putting it into your own pleasure instead of your H. Check out and follow your own needs for a while. I heard about a friend's friend who got her DH's attention simply by pulling herself together when she went out with their twins. He always wondered why she had her hair done and looked great when going on a playdate. This woman was NOT having an affair or even looking for one. She just invested in herself while DH took things for granted. I think her self-confidence and independence woke her DH up to the fact that she was still attractive and could, if she chose to, leave the marriage and be fine. She kept her circle of friends and had access to a social world that didn't depend on him.

Whether you do this to get your husband's attention or simply as an exercise in independent living, it may be worth consideration. Think of it as a dry run for divorced life.

Best advice in the thread so far!!!!
It's great when the stay plan is the same as the go plan, isn't it?

[Anonymous]

I sympathize, OP, but I can't help but wonder...what's your husband's side of this? It takes two to create a marriage that is less than ideal. We've heard your side-but where would he lay blame? What would he point to that changed the marriage for him? If you know what it is, is it something you can fix or mitigate, or is it beyond repair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize, OP, but I can't help but wonder...what's your husband's side of this? It takes two to create a marriage that is less than ideal. We've heard your side-but where would he lay blame? What would he point to that changed the marriage for him? If you know what it is, is it something you can fix or mitigate, or is it beyond repair?

OP here. That is the point that I am trying to get across here. I have no idea. I have asked, at home and in therapy, and either he does not respond or says "I don't know what My needs are." I am more than willing to work on this marriage but he is not meeting me halfway. I can't work on my end if he doesn't tell me what the problems are for him. I can guess, but it is conjecture on my part. He is thrusting both of our problems on to me and frankly, I am exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you get a divorce, your kids will be damaged FOREVER. Don't kid yourself about this. Since DH is not abusing you or the kids, the right thing to do is put the kids needs first, and stay married until they leave for college.

Sorry, OP, but +1

-10000000

I know other children of divorce have chimed in here but living with miserable people isn't that great. They'll get over it, especially if they're young. Sure it will have ripple effects but everyone will survive and they'll have better relationships with happy parents than they would with sad parents.

[Anonymous]

With a divorce you may not every meet someone to date/marry. You may be alone forever. But you *might* find someone to share you life with. In your marriage you know you will *always* be alone. There is no chance (at this point) that he will ever be the emotional partner you want/need him to be.

However, he will be there physically to take care of the kids. You will not have to 'do it all' like you would if you were a single parent. You will also be more financially comfortable.

So you have to decide, we can't do it for you--do you want a more difficult emotional/sexual life with an easier physical/financial life. Or do you want a more difficult physical/financial life for the chance of a more fulfilling emotional/sexual life?

That being said...all the divorced Mom's I know agree that life is more difficult being divorced (child sharing, late custody payments, no back up when sick, etc), but they are happier and more satisfied. They didn't realize just how much of a weight their DH were to their overall well being. And in most cases the kids are doing better. Living with a grumpy Dad who is taking out his unhappiness on the family is just an unpleasant experience all around. So they hate the shuffling around, but they are overall happier because they are away from the unhappy Dad for a period of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you get a divorce, your kids will be damaged FOREVER. Don't kid yourself about this. Since DH is not abusing you or the kids, the right thing to do is put the kids needs first, and stay married until they leave for college.

Sorry, OP, but +1

-10000000

I know other children of divorce have chimed in here but living with miserable people isn't that great. They'll get over it, especially if they're young. Sure it will have ripple effects but everyone will survive and they'll have better relationships with happy parents than they would with sad parents.

You don't know if OP will end up happier after a divorce. She may never find another partner and in all likelihood her and her children's standard of living will decrease.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you get a divorce, your kids will be damaged FOREVER. Don't kid yourself about this. Since DH is not abusing you or the kids, the right thing to do is put the kids needs first, and stay married until they leave for college.

1000% Not true. My parents are divorced as are parents of other family members. We are all professionally successful and have loving long term relationships.

Op, do what you feel but divorce does mean your kids are damaged. What's more damaging divorced parents, or two parents who hate each other? I know what I'd choose having experienced both as a child.

Another one to chime in here and say this is not true. My parents got divorced when I was very young and I have no memories of them together. Raised by a single mom who never remarried and I'm totally fine. Happily married for 10 years with a good job, well-educated, two children of my own. I have some issues but they are not related to my parents' divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you get a divorce, your kids will be damaged FOREVER. Don't kid yourself about this. Since DH is not abusing you or the kids, the right thing to do is put the kids needs first, and stay married until they leave for college.

Sorry, OP, but +1

-10000000

I know other children of divorce have chimed in here but living with miserable people isn't that great. They'll get over it, especially if they're young. Sure it will have ripple effects but everyone will survive and they'll have better relationships with happy parents than they would with sad parents.

You don't know if OP will end up happier after a divorce. She may never find another partner and in all likelihood her and her children's standard of living will decrease.

Children don't care about crap as much as they care about love and support. Its us grown ups that care about that stuff. If OP thinks she can be happier and love her kids better outside this marriage then all I'm saying is the kids will be better off then her being miserable and depressed through their entire childhood. I can't speak to the realities of being a divorced woman in your early 40s, but I can speak about being a child of divorce. If the parents put in the effort to be amicable, kids are better off with parents who are setting an example pursuing happiness than parents who wallow in an unhappy marriage for 20 years.

[Anonymous]

OP, life post-divorce isn't easy. I don't have much free time or a lot of extra cash. But what I also don't have is a selfish A hole making me miserable every.single.day.

You trade one set of problems for another. But I am grateful every day that he's not my problem anymore.